Anchorage Sloganz and other Sillies
I walked Mtn View (at night) and survived!!
I rode 36th Ave, Lake Otis Pkwy, Dimond Blvd (keep inserting your favorite potholed street and road) BOTH ways on the Anchorage Rapid Transit and survived!!
Our coffee shops aren't Starbucks, but for sheer numbers we're getting close!!
$1000 Security Deposit, $50 Background Check, $40 Credit Check,
$40 Application Fee, $500 Minimum for a Walk-In Closet sized apt in a bad part of town.
1/2 Garbage, 2/3 Utilities, NO: Smoking, Pets, Drugs, Alcohol, Boy/Girl Friends, Fun.
You get free Cable and the In-House Laundry machines only eat your shirts and socks on Tue and the Dryers shred your sweaters and linen every other Sat aanndd Anchorage PD SWAT at least "knocks" once before raiding your Apt House/Building at 3 a.m.
Where Our Mayor is so young looking that he's Everyone's little brother!!
Como esta usted??
-Our AK Native "Sleeping Lady" wears Highlighted hair extensions by Beaute nde Beastro,
-gets her skincare at Allure's on theBlvd,
-shops at 6th Ave Mall,
-refines her cultured taste w/ Symphony concerts & Broadway Plays at Egan Ctr,
-rides the ART buses,
-Works out at theAK Fitness Clubs,
-watches movies at Century Cinema's
-snacks with Jarod at SubWays
-tans her hide at Solar Flares or theMid-Town Shaken Bake
-had to get a 2nd job at CrazyHorse II and a refi to pay for theHummer from AK Sales-n-Fleece
-can often be seen ducking into various Downtown Bars at night
-proudly touts 40 "DD" enhancements from Dr Hanns Off,
-Gets a Sphinx bikini wax every month,
-surfs theInet on Clear w're
-and her leg Garter Belt is always laden with 10's and 20' dollar bills!!
Did I mention that our AK Native "Sleeping Lady" is a mortal enemy of the 5 Alaska Princess'?? (read thePrincess Diaries and you'll understand)
-Soon Sleeping Lady will be getting a Clit ring, a 5lb Tongue Bar, and 3 Gold Ear hoops from GothBody Extreme,
-she'll also be getting an Anal Bleaching from theBP Conaco Shell station salon!!
-an Upper arm, 1 shoulder blade, a low back and ankle tats are in the works and she'll soon enroll at UAA Nurse school. Our Sleeping Lady is a hard working gal, everyone loves her.
Our Tent City gets postal service,
-each tent and Lean-to has Sat & Inet hookups,
-TC even has it's own website,
-has its Dry Cleaning, Laundry services,
-plays $5000 bingo every 2 weeks,
-and just opened it's Security services substation to keep out theGoody Do Gooders and Welfare to Work people on Gamble Street. (beat that Seattle!!)
Our FM 106.5 KWHL rocks!!. (K-whale is not to be confused with VillageTail although both Kick Ass)
Our Rapid Transit Buses go for broke on long stretches and accelerate in turns and corners!!
still Wincing each time theSam!! steps foot outside his Apt.
Who ordered Liquid Ass off the Internet and left a few drops on some Anchorage RT Buses?
Putting the Rage into Springtime meltdowns in Domestic Live-In and Marital relationships.
-now available in convenient microwave foil packs,
-In unscented tube gel form, and for the Healthgone South members - available without a prescription!!
WHY BE SUBTLE?!
?lamron eb yhW
ef u cn red dis tank Anchorage School District.
A happy fun place when strong winds blow down from theValley!!
Go see Cal, Go see Cal, Go see CAL!!
Our summer street Mimes really are: in Boxes / sitting down / leaning against walls, etc.
Our furrier fashion models boast REAL fur!!
the People your parents warned you about.
less State more Us!!
Visit us, see the sights, taste the foods, hear the sounds, feel the City then retire to your hotel room and weep uncontrollably while huddled in the shower corner.
(theSam!! just leans against theWall a bit)
Anchorage- Here's the 2006 Summer Time Downtown Music Festival Line-up.
-the Anchorage Symphonic Orchestra,
-the Northern Lights Choral Express,
-the Otis Parkway Children's Tourrettes Choir,
And the Wildly popular groups of 3rd Avenues own:
-On Handsen Knees,
and the Anchorage Correctional Facilities String Tribute Quartet:
New to this years '06 STDMF are those broke, hungry and sleepless Medical student bands from UAA:
And after much contention and cut throat competition amongst our High schools we proudly present the final 4 Teen Diva Band Sensations:
-I Hate U,
(APD is still investigating the disappearances of the top 3 Boy bands)
We now have theSam!! (what the hell did we ever do to theVillage to deserve this?!!)
Our Bus Transit Logo is a Sardine can.
Nude Dancers & Strippers are more dressed than some Mall retail kiosk girls.
into my Volvo and Off to Unemployment & Welfare I go.
Our South Mall area is theFinest Police / Security guard training facility in the Nation. Green Berets, Navy SEAL's, Big City SWAT all cut their teeth here.
"Tyrone, Kion, Teesha, jamal.... Get off that man's shoes!... and stand up straight!!!.....Where's my purse!??....damit, get over here now!!!"
home of theNicest, Politest drivers this side of thePacific Time Zone where it's considered bad form to reenter your Vehicle, after being Rear-ended or T-boned, w/less than 5 empty hand-gun magazines after the Screaming match is over with theOther driver. And in a Head-on it's just rude to leave survivors in theOther vehicle.
theRest of AK revolves around us dammn it!!
Gas is ONLY $4 a gallon Get Over It!!
Get a Food Stamp debit card, a 12,000min Picture Phone for $1 a year, a 6mon Bus Pass for free, Reduced or Free Medical/Dental/Eye care, New clothes, a dirt cheap apt and a Part Time job at $25/hr.........in 2 days!! but it takes 145 days to hear back from your Case Worker
Only WE could have opened up
-a Teen Crises Center and Ecstacy Mosh Pit,
-a Blood Bank & UAA Extension Hospice Detox Clinic with 20 beds and a Full Staff,
-a Speedy DayCare for DownTown shoppers and a ChopShop Valet Parking,
-host 2 Bank Branches,
-5 Fast Food restaurants,
-a Temp Agency with Day Labor,
-host 2 Pharmacies & Hooka Bar wit....(Wait, wait, We Banned those 4 Goth Teens for 6 yrs!! never mind),
and still be 175K in the Black per fiscal quarter with plenty of room for
-theGoth HardWear BodyStapling Emporium,
-and an additional Police & Security Substation in the6th Ave DownTown Rapid Transit Bus Depot!!
Sorry guys, but better luck next time on the ideas of the Bungee Jumping business "Anchorage StreetSplats!!" from the 20th Level Parking Garage.
And better luck next time in convincing theCurrent City Fathers of the Safety measures for the proposed "DownTown BASE Jumping-City SkyDive Tandem Tours" off the 5th and 6th Ave Offic Towers.
Councilman's Warn & Peterrs and their Tandem ParaGlide Instructors who's Chutes Malfunctioned during the Safety Tests Demo Jumps In Front Of theCity Council & Mayor & Staff-We Hardly Knew Ye!!
And finally, Only WE could say Congratulations to Mr Marys Erlin and his Seeing Eye Driver Guide Dog for successfully graduating the ART Bus Driver Course.
Mr Earlinz will be driving Routes 1, 3 and theWeekend Haul to Wherever!! starting in May. On days when Mr Erlin is sick then His Dog will be driving down to Kenai and Homer with stops in Nikiski.
Mr Erlin will be theHeavily Insured driver in the silver Armored Bus on Run-Flat sport wheels and boasting a Kicken Stereo Bass Package by Anchorage DefWerks Yo!!
Mr Merlinz bus is the Only Kneeling bus that actually Prays when it stops. And remember, Don't pet or feed the Seeing Eye dog!! (and Mr Erlin too for that matter)
More Anchorage slogans from Internet Friends:
Thanks guyz & gals
Anchorage - Where 40 degrees is warm.
Anchorage - It's not Juneau!
Anchorage - Where the wildlife is tamer than the people.
Anchorage - What happens here..........stays here. Because no one outside cares.
Anchorage - We almost got the '96 Olympics!
Anchorage- where we shoot back.
Anchorage- come pet the moose.
Anchorage- Now with more gangs.
Anchorage-Where walking through dog yards in spring is an adventure.
Anchorage- The aroma of dog yards is in the air.
Anchorage- The uncovering of the garbage from the melting snow.
Anchorage-if you have fish the tourists will come
Anchorage-summer means less clothing
Anchorage- 2 seasons...summer and construction.
Anchorage-Will we get a Kelly cup?