Joke Of The Day
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
Which is what theSam!! hit her with.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
theSam!! uses Snuggle. And then only when theWasher in HIS head doesn't eat his undies.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
And after living in theVillage for 6+yrs theSam!! types with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy that moved to AK and lived in theVillage....
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She must have been a Village girl that smelled MONEY when he worked as Public Safety in her village, they all do that.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
theSam!! has a sister that snorts like a Pig and hiccups insanely when she laughs.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
but theSam!!'s spelling was much better than hers.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
??, what kind of tree is that short? Unless it's a young Alaskan spruce.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
Get an account at ak USA, they've never done theSam!! wrong.....yet.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
theSam!!'s kid floaties also drifted this way DOWN river too one summer, winding their way across theMarsh Flats.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Gumbo is a better description, and Sled dogs also burst open with a Brenneke Slug Sabot to the ribs.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Out in theVillage the screams come from either theSam!! or from MotherInLaw followed by gunshots.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
Like her pale skin after theSam!! dumped Crown Royal on her head. Like her Vomit after she deeply, throatily, genuinely laughed before throwing up.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Like kids leaping out the back window when theOfficers break in the front door of the house. Like Officers funneled through theVillages each month!
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
theSam!! actually did run to meet his Woman once, only to bounce off her Chest and reel backwards.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
And theVillage fences resemble theSam!!'s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
But I'm guessing they're about to meet?
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
I gotta watch Sopranos sometimes to understand this one.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
theSam!! has a mind like a loofah sponge, wet, freshly used by a Hot sexy Supermodel.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
They also "Blast", "Ring", "Zing" and "Peter" out too.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
theSam!! won't comment about HIS brother-in-law.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
Food stamp card my friend, food stamp card. Can't go wrong wit dat!!
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Perhaps as lame as a Canadian Goose that slept in the parking lot off of Tudor while theSam!! was doing Security checks on a few medical buildings, not that theSam!! has run over a goose or two lately, I'm just saying.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
A stripper.. pardon me. An "Entertainer" friend and her buddies do this "move" a lot, and they pee a lot more too.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
Like Village Fathers and Grandparents chasing around theVillage Public Safety Officer with their Poulon, Steele, or Freemen Chainsaws.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Then he tried to imagine her rising gracefully en Pointe and extending one leg behind her........
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
Which is what theSam!! hit her with.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
theSam!! uses Snuggle. And then only when theWasher in HIS head doesn't eat his undies.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
And after living in theVillage for 6+yrs theSam!! types with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy that moved to AK and lived in theVillage....
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She must have been a Village girl that smelled MONEY when he worked as Public Safety in her village, they all do that.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
theSam!! has a sister that snorts like a Pig and hiccups insanely when she laughs.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
but theSam!!'s spelling was much better than hers.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
??, what kind of tree is that short? Unless it's a young Alaskan spruce.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
Get an account at ak USA, they've never done theSam!! wrong.....yet.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
theSam!!'s kid floaties also drifted this way DOWN river too one summer, winding their way across theMarsh Flats.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Gumbo is a better description, and Sled dogs also burst open with a Brenneke Slug Sabot to the ribs.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Out in theVillage the screams come from either theSam!! or from MotherInLaw followed by gunshots.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
Like her pale skin after theSam!! dumped Crown Royal on her head. Like her Vomit after she deeply, throatily, genuinely laughed before throwing up.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Like kids leaping out the back window when theOfficers break in the front door of the house. Like Officers funneled through theVillages each month!
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
theSam!! actually did run to meet his Woman once, only to bounce off her Chest and reel backwards.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
And theVillage fences resemble theSam!!'s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
But I'm guessing they're about to meet?
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
I gotta watch Sopranos sometimes to understand this one.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
theSam!! has a mind like a loofah sponge, wet, freshly used by a Hot sexy Supermodel.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
They also "Blast", "Ring", "Zing" and "Peter" out too.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
theSam!! won't comment about HIS brother-in-law.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
Food stamp card my friend, food stamp card. Can't go wrong wit dat!!
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Perhaps as lame as a Canadian Goose that slept in the parking lot off of Tudor while theSam!! was doing Security checks on a few medical buildings, not that theSam!! has run over a goose or two lately, I'm just saying.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
A stripper.. pardon me. An "Entertainer" friend and her buddies do this "move" a lot, and they pee a lot more too.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
Like Village Fathers and Grandparents chasing around theVillage Public Safety Officer with their Poulon, Steele, or Freemen Chainsaws.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
Then he tried to imagine her rising gracefully en Pointe and extending one leg behind her........
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