2007 and Beyond!!
Well. today is 5th Feb 2007.
I sent this Writing out to be played with by friends and associates but perhaps it was too much of a project for some.
I'm on my own deadline and I haven't received it back by now and so, I'll publish it and will send out some smaller writings for friends to contribute to later.
I'm so happy about today, Monday, after almost a month of self-teaching and playing on theViolin I got to sit before the music store owner himself and learn.
I lean towards playing along with Country and Western Music, and then I love that background Violin and Cello music on various new age music.
Then 3rd is any happy fun Irish jig, drinking song with just a Violin / fiddle playing.
I'm glad that I was made to play a few musical instruments while growing up.
And now that I am an adult in thePublic Safety profession, it's therapy for me. A distraction at times, as it were, as well.
My Violin joins my beat up Guitar and my keyboard in my small Mtn View Apt.
Later everyone, Happy 2007 Valentines day.
theSam!!
2007 and Beyond!!
theFollowing is a paid announcement that is endorsed neither by theSam!!, nor by YVC Inc (doh!!) and most certainly is not endorsed by anyone that is associated with him by Choice.
theAuthor!! saw fit to run this Writing through theInboxes of a few Internet friends to see just what exactly would come out at theOther end.
Kind of like food when you eat....
anyways.
The rules are very simple, peruse this text and add unto some things as you see fit just like you would tell someone else and you can’t delete something either.
After all is said and done and this writing is passed back to me later on I’ll post it Online as an example of how things can morph into something else that‘s completely different.
So without much hype about something that really isn’t anything at all but just takes up Server space, we present to you theNext installment of Sam!!’s Jan 2007 Blog.
>>>beginText>>>
2007 and Beyond!!
theSam!!
whom first would like to say that he isn’t guilty of any charges alleged against him regarding an incident at a local beauty salon!!
Besides, theHair!! isn’t being cut ever for the next 2.5 years at least.
It’s a scientific experiment to see if he can toss his hair and hide his face from people, as his Villagers often do to him when he comes near.
oh, that and wearing more “hoodie” type tops, other pullovers and jackets with a hood on it.
We’ll keep you posted on theResults in about.....2.5 yrs!!
theSam!!
he Touched you, he Treated you, he even Exposed you....... eh, to Village!!
All Salon, Massage & Village-EMT records to be sealed indefinitely.
d:oP
theSam!!
TIME magazines 2006 Person of theYear!! honest!!
theSam!!
theMoral Compass for all cute 20 yr old females in America.
Come right this way to Alaska, and to theVillage!!
theSam!!
serving theSurfing public since...
Well, since theInternet was first put Online by AlGore and Uncle TedStevens
See, it all started after Work hours in theNavy back in 1995.
There was this small run down Trailer shack on Base that had dozens of new computers and 2 very patient Elderly volunteers that helped theKids play games, write documents etc.
It was at this time that something new called theInternet was being talked about.
This series of Tubes being created by some talking head milque toast politician.
And now you know the rest of the story!
theSam!!
now over 7yrs 2 months in Alaska interest Free!!
theSam!!
now Authoring the next Inet hit single, “Survival of theVillagist”
and this years VGG awards go to.........!
theSam!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient-1999
a first for a nonVillager / an Outsider,
also awarded honorary cushy pair of blinding white Cold Shoulderz from an irate young Village beauty and given a 2 Dirty looks nod from aged VillageChick!! “GrammaEmmy” too,
Jealous Village beauty Tess cries foul and cites Granma Emm as just being passed out, hence theNod is null and void.
Sam gets scared at a pair of razor sharp $100 nails waving and stabbing the air in anger at him and he dashes off to his Mamas house clutching his award.
Ever After he would be tortured by the memory of two sweater contained Globes angrily jostling and shaking “behind” the $100 nails. d:oD
theSam!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient-2000
theCouchPotato!! would experience this traumatic event after a short Wedding ceremony to a young, cute VillageChick!! d:oD
He would be immediately welcomed into theFamily by a couple of bar stools, a baseball bat and the dining room table,
even theCouch and threw the main living room window out onto thePorch!
But enough about Granma and theBrides!! upset mother! :o(
All in theFamily was never like this on tv.
theSam?!
VillageGolden Globe recipient-2001
a 3Pete!! from the same Village too, same young lady and her family, same kids, same responding StateTroops too. (sigh)
By now had bought own Tap shoes, cane and collapsible top-hat for impromptu Village Council grillings and Tribal Court Meeting explanations.
By summer time I had “man from LaMinto” and “Memories” from Cats!! down cold.
**ahem.... cough!!**
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2002
awarded by irate school kids parents and school board,
Even theWorld map on the wall was awarded to theSam!!, but only because it held theWooden rods that was used as a weapon upon his person as was that large plastic World-globe,
also thePlastic rulers off the kids desks, theSmall chairs, even the 5 gallon fish tank was hurled.....
If it wasn’t for that can of Silly string close by I’d never have blinded those mad mothers and run out theDoor!!
*sigh*
the sam, nobody important here, move along move along....
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2003
also a golden gloves award recipient after responding to a pre dawn DVE in theVillage!!
At least that’s what theColor of theBlur looked like as angry fists pummeled me, a golden hue,
maybe tan work gloves for all I know but then again, no one Ever worked in that Village anyways.
Some school kids found me walking along the street babbling incoherently to myself and they dragged me to theLodge for school lunch.
What was on the menu that day? Tator tots!!
he Who Must NOT be Named!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2004
a 6 Pete!! do we see a Pattern emerging here!? and speaking of patterns, as theVillage falls apart and runs faster into theAbyss!!,
theSam!! still sits in his Office and cuts various shapes and patterns from paper with soft-scissors.
His results closely resemble paper-dolls.
theSam!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2005
theSam!! is rumored to have faced a snubbing from theAK State Trooper Academy this year.
As theOfficers various reports and citations were apparently authored by more than 2 people
(
and he’s theOnly officer in theVillage that writes such paperwork!!)
Current Academy requirements state that all Reports given to theVPSO’s Oversite Trooper be written by each VPSO & at least One co-Author.
Like theDefendants mother or Grandmother vehemently stating their relatives innocence,
Or else that the report be authored by theAssailant himself and his Girlfriend both stating that theVPSO is on crack and he is just picking on everyone in theVillage!!
(sigh)
*yawn*
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2006
theBleary-EyedOne couldn’t decide what color Uniform to wear for this years ceremonies or whether or not to just hop out of bed and wear his Jammies.
There’s days of prep work involved too for events such as these, what with Tan salon visits, more Couch sessions with theCourtOrderedPsychiatrist, hours and hours and hours of typing up another acceptance speech on theXP system to give for the occasion.
Which extendable Baton to wear?, the 26” long 3/4” thick heavy steel Winchester? or how about the tried and true 31” long black ASP? and what percent of oleoresin should be in theOC spray? 2% or Fox 10%?
decisions decisions!!
Resolution Calling!!
If you’ve always wanted to know how theNewYear is celebrated in theVillages, you’ve come to the wrong place!
If you want to find out how Happy New Year is pronounced, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Though our Nebes will give it their best shot!! (down theHatch)
If you’re interested in learning about Village New Years resolutions then you’ve come to the right place.
You see, way back in early Roman history, their was a King named Janus.
(hee hee, isn’t that a girls name?!)
And King Janus could look both ways, into thePast and into theFuture.
Out in theVillage!! everyone can do that as well, the looking Both ways.
As they look this-a-way and that-a-way before leaving their house, and then they look a this-a-way and a that-a-way and behind them before entering the house of a friend or relative, just to see if the VPSO is watching them.
Funny thing is, no one ever bothers to look down by thePorch or over by theCar, as the most safest place to hide really is in someone else’ comfort zone.
But let’s not dwell on my Village Patrol tactics!
Now King Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many of the Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and they exchanged gifts too before the beginning of each new year.
*sigh*
I guess this would explain how that first Christmas time spent in theVillage found a new “friend” for me by my Lodge room door. As this new friend was “sleeping” or lying supine in a small portable fold-out bed.
Some local “boys” thought it was funny to prank me by taking various items pilfered from theLodge linen closets, the Lodge storage closets and creating an exact replica or “person” of me right down to large bulbous head
(I had shorn my locks real close to my cranium and was almost Mohawk) and replete with silly grin that was drawn for a face with a black magic marker.
Pillows, small blankets and covers created a “body” that was held together inside a cast off T-shirt and jeans positioned underneath the sheets and blankets and to make things entertaining.......this Effigy of me had a “woody”.
The “boner” was a mop handle sticking up and the figures arms were grasping theWoody.
Ok, what ever.
stupid Village men, over the years in theVillage I had such effigys and portrayals made for me and left in various places in theLodge where I lived.
I was given everything from food to porn, music and books, clothes and even a few “live” girls as well that waited for me by my door.
I guess someone wanted my forgiveness, wanted me to “forget” an alleged indescretion or else to just see what the heck I’d do.
Anyway, on with the brief history lesson about King Janus and his new years resolutions.
Some of these “gifts” were branches from sacred trees and these were meant as good fortune.
Hmmm. diamond willow canes..... heartily applied to Me every time I’d go confiscate alcohol, crash teen drinking parties, impound vehicles, arrest assaultive sons & grandkids etc.
Yep, my Villagers certainly loved me and wished me good fortune and good health pretty much every week of every month throughout the whole year with branches, fists, feet, biting me and running me down with vehicles, snow machines and 4 wheelers.
I love Alaska, and I love theVillage.
I do.
I mean it, really.
A resolution is a Commitment that one makes to start a new activity / lifestyle change that pretty much lasts for about 2 weeks and then theResolutionMaker,
being dejected, despondent and really disappointed that the set goal was never achieved or that they even came close sadly turns back to whatever old habits that s/he tried to get out of in the first place!!
Well, that pretty much describes ME, but I’m sure that I’m not the only person on earth that started new resolutions only to quit a few days later or up to a month after that.
Yet at this time I’m quite happy that I’m working out at theNebraskaClubs and that I’m still working here and there in theCity and walking where ever it is that I need to be.
There’s the Physical Fitness resolutions to get into or to stay in shape (that’s my case!! honest)
and there’s the health goals of quitting smoking and quitting drinking. Not that I (theSam!!) smoke or drink, but I’m just saying.
When I patrol by vehicle and pretty much sit on my butt all night and most of the day in a duty vehicle I nibble alot on basic Entertainer / stripper foods, like cold pizza, pop & juice and chew lots of gum.
Occasionally I throw in a few Vanilla steamers and a few cinnamon rolls and call it a day.
But even I need to quit drinking so much pop! So I buy cases of water each month and buy various juices and hydrate upon that, I’ve got so much water molecules in me-I’m just mushy and gooey. A real pushover if you will.
I can attest that all of theAlaska Native non-Profits set Weight Loss as their number one goals for the new years.
Because in each of their respective Villages lives and breathes an Officer that ranges from 150lbs on up to 275lbs, as for theFemaleOfficers they start at 300!!
And those Villages in each ANnP Region vow to lose theWeight each year,
yet some Villages keep theWeight and even gain a few pounds throughout the year, ha ha.
Other New Years Resolutions made also involve socially acceptable norms like giving to thePoor, becoming more Assertive, and in my case becoming more Pragmatic, but let’s not talk about me right now.
Let’s talk about being Economically, Environmentally and Village-lly responsible, as I said, let’s not talk about ME right now.
We’ll just skip anything remotely close to being Responsible. Call me irascable, undeniable and completely forgetable!
theSam!!’s Top 2007 New Year Village Resolutions
1. Yoosing Spel chekar and typing coherently.
“Village chick, hand-cuffs, assault, combative and 90 days” are getting to be cute yet worn descriptions and I should expand my verbiage a bit.
Possibly throw in “an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dotted pasty or a hair clip”,
toss in an extra blurb about storming into the abandoned house and reaching for theVolume knob on the stereo to turn down the music before telling everyone to settle down.
2. Cleaning out my ears more regularly,
After hearing “Lesbianese” on theTV news and running to see HotGirls and only being disappointed by seeing some stupid blurb about theMiddle East one too-many times gets old.
3. Spend more time with family & friends
4. Be more physically ppphhhhtttt!!
Being more physically active reduces cancer risks, increases longevity, achieves weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure and even improves arthritis.
I find that the more Villagers start to outrun me I have to cut back on Pop tarts and boxes of milk.
I have to limit my food intake of sweets and cake after being fed by Villagers and eat more Moose or sweet black bear meat.
So come on!!
Quit smoking and start enjoying the rest of your god forsaken smoke free Village life!!
Just settle into quiet obscurity with a sober alert mind and take up a hobby or something.
Enjoy life more and quit drinking
Taper gradually or else just get drunk, shoot your guns, get arrested by theVPSO, go to jail and quit Cold Turkey!!
3 Girls, 4 boys, 2 adults and 1 Elderly tried the cold turkey method to no avail but at least they tried.
5. Get out of Debt.
Get a handle on your finances. Us Lakota are sometimes a Literal people. If it’s got a handle on it then it must be worth getting a hold of.
Do what theSam!! did and make sure that the nice new shiny car that he bought had a nice looking door latch that looks...... like a handle!! And the new steering wheel is actually one big Nice round handle.
That one Drive through attendant at theKing!!’s gave me some weird looks after I insisted that my take out bag have a handle on it
Those big boxes from theDonut Depot have cute little spare tires inside and they all have holes in the middle, Handles!!
Challenge your mind to look at food creatively and your horizons will expand, not to mention your waistline!
That new music CD in the discount bargain bin is round and has a hole in the middle of it, see!!! A Handle!!
And those boxes that hold television sets, computer system towers and monitors they all have cut outs on the sides of the boxes....Handles!!
6. Learn something new
Considering a career change? I am.
Apply at Wendys or at theKing!! again....
Want to learn a new language? I didn’t want to but I did and you know..... when you say words from the heart it is fulfilling.
Want to learn how to fix your computer? I had no desire and yet, you just have certain desires thrust upon you in the middle of the night.
How about home repair? Carpentry, carpet & vinyl laying, drywall and painting?
The construction trades aren’t my bag of tea and yet, I had to pour the water, light the stove and look for honey to add to my hot drink.....lots of honey to sweeten the mess that I ended up in recently.
theSam!! has learned to cuss and swear after absent mindedly tipping his PC system off his nightstand while stumbling to the bathroom late late one night in the dark.
the tower was dented bashing into the wall creating a large hole and the cap to the 5 gallon laundry soap wasn’t on tight and leaked out ruining the carpeting.
oh..... by the way, if anyone needs a good deal closer or similar plea bargainer I’m your man.
I had to sales talk theJamaicanLandlady out of evicting me overnight. Best speech I ever made too.
It ranks right up there with theReport I once made in theVillage of how and why my patrol car destroyed grammas food cache and why I had a gaggle of giggling, tipsy bevy of VillageChicks with me too.
My handlers theStateTroops were impressed with that report, now a hard copy sits at theAcademy awaiting the eager eyes of all new Troop / Police & VPSO / VPO recruits and gets torn apart in lively debates and discussions.
It was even a news item and I hated panel vans ever after cos those darn news crews kept following me, but it is funny to see a man in a suit and tie dressed like he’s going to dinner wearing makeup and his hair doesn’t move at all in the brisk Village wind.
Even theNewsChicks are kind of hot.
7. Help Others
But seriously,
Volunteerism takes many forms.
Whether you choose (or often have theTribalCourtOrder you) to spend time at your local school fixing theWindows you smashed out,
or opt to be at the library replacing those comic books you defaced,
or end up helping your neighbor re-build a house, to replace the one that you burned down after getting drunk and thinking they were in cahoots with the local Officers and were out to get you,
or decided to mentor a child etc,
there are many local and state organizations that could really use your help.
And they’ll get it one way or another from you so you might as well take the easy way out and just volunteer a short summer or part of the school year.......... like theSam!! did.
8. Get Organized.
though at first it may not seem like it but this is a very reasonable goal.
After all, you’ll certainly want your home organized enough that you can invite theVPSO!! over on a whim
(besides, he often drops in unannounced anyways looking for booze and drugs to confiscate from you)
so why not make it official and surprise those darn officers the next time they come calling!!
You’ll be so organized that you’ll be able to find that heavy ashtray (to use as a weapon) to fend off your boyfriend during that next DVE
or you can find that stapler & 3 ring binder punch so those Officers can have all their paperwork in order after they finally leave your home!! (with You, or your boyfriend, or your family, heck, even with ALL of you in tow!!)
Aren’t New Years Resolutions great!?
now you and I can be like that old fart, theGreat King Janus of old that could look Both ways,
Behind him into thePast and Forward into theFuture and see theOld And theNew!!
Villagers are like that too, nervously, furtively, pensively, hesitantly looking both ways, behind them and above too before making a move in theVillage.
It’s like they’re strategists in the making or something, always 4 moves ahead of their respective VPSO’s.
And they often are but not for long.
VillageChixxx!! are like that as well. They compare each new incoming VPSO with theOld one and they don’t let go of one Officers pockets with one hand until their other hand is firmly in the pockets of theNext officer.
theNextVillage tales will be penned by herHighness herself, theAlaskanPrincess!! and boy you should see her 2007 New Years high-Resolutions photos.
More than 1500dpi, well above 20mega pixels and if you change your screen settings above 2700x4000 you’ll get to see her graphic 3-D screen savers in Splash modes, Skin modes and if you go on Line with her in IM you’l.... anyway.
She’ll share some more of her Lodge events like telling you if a couple of employees of hers from the 2004 and 2006 assaults are out of Prison yet.
She’ll see if she can add theStork to her Lodge chains menu and to her guests dinner plates as theStork seems to have slipped into a few of her Lodges and made his mark!
And what with the 2006 summer season well over, we’ll see if her HIGHness is over her addiction to postOP surgery meds after she decided to keep up with SleepingLady in theBody enhancing dept.
theSam!!
whom still has his Cheesecake and eats it too.
theSam!!
whom thought that making amends and gift giving for the New Year only applied to his enemies!!
theSam!!
now drowning his sorrows and woes after work at theClosest barrista stand with Candy-cane flavored milk steamers and pumpkin cookies!!
theSam!!
whom was almost persuaded to upgrade his Piano keyboard but opted instead to buy a Violin!!
hhhhmmm, weekly crying jags, a messy apartment full of weapons and now a Violin.
How low does theBoy!! have to go to get noticed around here?!
theSam!!
Native Tradition, high Quality studious thought and timely Lakota Distinction................
just thrown right out the window with each Blog posting!!
theSam!!
still trying to convince his NebraskaClubs personal fitness trainer that 0700hrs really means 1900hrs and that Cookies are really an essential part of stacking carbs to theNewDiet!!
She just sets her pretty jaw even firmer in place grinding her snow white teeth really loudly, shakes out her long hair and then rearranges it in a tight pony tail before she commences to open up a can of whooop a........
Rumor has it that she can crack walnuts with theGlutes, open twist-top bottles with her eyelids and can take one deep breath and not ever ever breathe for the rest of the week, she who is so physically fit.
She’s the man I want to be.
She really got mad after having to demonstrate theSquatMachine to me for the 18th time.
She sprinted really fast after me when I ran for theExit!! and boy is that petite girl really strong to manhandle my 245lbs around theClub!! like nothing.
She wore short shorts that day and now I secretly smile at her because, hee hee hee, I saw theString!!
AerobicDeath!! wears Nike runners, nylon shorts, spandex T-tops and she doesn’t have to wear Goth contacts to scare you.
She can blind you just by exposing ONE of her pristine teeth.
theSam!!
here’s to 2007 and to one scary little blonde!!
<<< endText<<<
I sent this Writing out to be played with by friends and associates but perhaps it was too much of a project for some.
I'm on my own deadline and I haven't received it back by now and so, I'll publish it and will send out some smaller writings for friends to contribute to later.
I'm so happy about today, Monday, after almost a month of self-teaching and playing on theViolin I got to sit before the music store owner himself and learn.
I lean towards playing along with Country and Western Music, and then I love that background Violin and Cello music on various new age music.
Then 3rd is any happy fun Irish jig, drinking song with just a Violin / fiddle playing.
I'm glad that I was made to play a few musical instruments while growing up.
And now that I am an adult in thePublic Safety profession, it's therapy for me. A distraction at times, as it were, as well.
My Violin joins my beat up Guitar and my keyboard in my small Mtn View Apt.
Later everyone, Happy 2007 Valentines day.
theSam!!
2007 and Beyond!!
theFollowing is a paid announcement that is endorsed neither by theSam!!, nor by YVC Inc (doh!!) and most certainly is not endorsed by anyone that is associated with him by Choice.
theAuthor!! saw fit to run this Writing through theInboxes of a few Internet friends to see just what exactly would come out at theOther end.
Kind of like food when you eat....
anyways.
The rules are very simple, peruse this text and add unto some things as you see fit just like you would tell someone else and you can’t delete something either.
After all is said and done and this writing is passed back to me later on I’ll post it Online as an example of how things can morph into something else that‘s completely different.
So without much hype about something that really isn’t anything at all but just takes up Server space, we present to you theNext installment of Sam!!’s Jan 2007 Blog.
>>>beginText>>>
2007 and Beyond!!
theSam!!
whom first would like to say that he isn’t guilty of any charges alleged against him regarding an incident at a local beauty salon!!
Besides, theHair!! isn’t being cut ever for the next 2.5 years at least.
It’s a scientific experiment to see if he can toss his hair and hide his face from people, as his Villagers often do to him when he comes near.
oh, that and wearing more “hoodie” type tops, other pullovers and jackets with a hood on it.
We’ll keep you posted on theResults in about.....2.5 yrs!!
theSam!!
he Touched you, he Treated you, he even Exposed you....... eh, to Village!!
All Salon, Massage & Village-EMT records to be sealed indefinitely.
d:oP
theSam!!
TIME magazines 2006 Person of theYear!! honest!!
theSam!!
theMoral Compass for all cute 20 yr old females in America.
Come right this way to Alaska, and to theVillage!!
theSam!!
serving theSurfing public since...
Well, since theInternet was first put Online by AlGore and Uncle TedStevens
See, it all started after Work hours in theNavy back in 1995.
There was this small run down Trailer shack on Base that had dozens of new computers and 2 very patient Elderly volunteers that helped theKids play games, write documents etc.
It was at this time that something new called theInternet was being talked about.
This series of Tubes being created by some talking head milque toast politician.
And now you know the rest of the story!
theSam!!
now over 7yrs 2 months in Alaska interest Free!!
theSam!!
now Authoring the next Inet hit single, “Survival of theVillagist”
and this years VGG awards go to.........!
theSam!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient-1999
a first for a nonVillager / an Outsider,
also awarded honorary cushy pair of blinding white Cold Shoulderz from an irate young Village beauty and given a 2 Dirty looks nod from aged VillageChick!! “GrammaEmmy” too,
Jealous Village beauty Tess cries foul and cites Granma Emm as just being passed out, hence theNod is null and void.
Sam gets scared at a pair of razor sharp $100 nails waving and stabbing the air in anger at him and he dashes off to his Mamas house clutching his award.
Ever After he would be tortured by the memory of two sweater contained Globes angrily jostling and shaking “behind” the $100 nails. d:oD
theSam!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient-2000
theCouchPotato!! would experience this traumatic event after a short Wedding ceremony to a young, cute VillageChick!! d:oD
He would be immediately welcomed into theFamily by a couple of bar stools, a baseball bat and the dining room table,
even theCouch and threw the main living room window out onto thePorch!
But enough about Granma and theBrides!! upset mother! :o(
All in theFamily was never like this on tv.
theSam?!
VillageGolden Globe recipient-2001
a 3Pete!! from the same Village too, same young lady and her family, same kids, same responding StateTroops too. (sigh)
By now had bought own Tap shoes, cane and collapsible top-hat for impromptu Village Council grillings and Tribal Court Meeting explanations.
By summer time I had “man from LaMinto” and “Memories” from Cats!! down cold.
**ahem.... cough!!**
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2002
awarded by irate school kids parents and school board,
Even theWorld map on the wall was awarded to theSam!!, but only because it held theWooden rods that was used as a weapon upon his person as was that large plastic World-globe,
also thePlastic rulers off the kids desks, theSmall chairs, even the 5 gallon fish tank was hurled.....
If it wasn’t for that can of Silly string close by I’d never have blinded those mad mothers and run out theDoor!!
*sigh*
the sam, nobody important here, move along move along....
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2003
also a golden gloves award recipient after responding to a pre dawn DVE in theVillage!!
At least that’s what theColor of theBlur looked like as angry fists pummeled me, a golden hue,
maybe tan work gloves for all I know but then again, no one Ever worked in that Village anyways.
Some school kids found me walking along the street babbling incoherently to myself and they dragged me to theLodge for school lunch.
What was on the menu that day? Tator tots!!
he Who Must NOT be Named!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2004
a 6 Pete!! do we see a Pattern emerging here!? and speaking of patterns, as theVillage falls apart and runs faster into theAbyss!!,
theSam!! still sits in his Office and cuts various shapes and patterns from paper with soft-scissors.
His results closely resemble paper-dolls.
theSam!!
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2005
theSam!! is rumored to have faced a snubbing from theAK State Trooper Academy this year.
As theOfficers various reports and citations were apparently authored by more than 2 people
(
and he’s theOnly officer in theVillage that writes such paperwork!!)
Current Academy requirements state that all Reports given to theVPSO’s Oversite Trooper be written by each VPSO & at least One co-Author.
Like theDefendants mother or Grandmother vehemently stating their relatives innocence,
Or else that the report be authored by theAssailant himself and his Girlfriend both stating that theVPSO is on crack and he is just picking on everyone in theVillage!!
(sigh)
*yawn*
VillageGolden Globe recipient 2006
theBleary-EyedOne couldn’t decide what color Uniform to wear for this years ceremonies or whether or not to just hop out of bed and wear his Jammies.
There’s days of prep work involved too for events such as these, what with Tan salon visits, more Couch sessions with theCourtOrderedPsychiatrist, hours and hours and hours of typing up another acceptance speech on theXP system to give for the occasion.
Which extendable Baton to wear?, the 26” long 3/4” thick heavy steel Winchester? or how about the tried and true 31” long black ASP? and what percent of oleoresin should be in theOC spray? 2% or Fox 10%?
decisions decisions!!
Resolution Calling!!
If you’ve always wanted to know how theNewYear is celebrated in theVillages, you’ve come to the wrong place!
If you want to find out how Happy New Year is pronounced, you’ve come to the wrong place.
Though our Nebes will give it their best shot!! (down theHatch)
If you’re interested in learning about Village New Years resolutions then you’ve come to the right place.
You see, way back in early Roman history, their was a King named Janus.
(hee hee, isn’t that a girls name?!)
And King Janus could look both ways, into thePast and into theFuture.
Out in theVillage!! everyone can do that as well, the looking Both ways.
As they look this-a-way and that-a-way before leaving their house, and then they look a this-a-way and a that-a-way and behind them before entering the house of a friend or relative, just to see if the VPSO is watching them.
Funny thing is, no one ever bothers to look down by thePorch or over by theCar, as the most safest place to hide really is in someone else’ comfort zone.
But let’s not dwell on my Village Patrol tactics!
Now King Janus became the ancient symbol for resolutions and many of the Romans looked for forgiveness from their enemies and they exchanged gifts too before the beginning of each new year.
*sigh*
I guess this would explain how that first Christmas time spent in theVillage found a new “friend” for me by my Lodge room door. As this new friend was “sleeping” or lying supine in a small portable fold-out bed.
Some local “boys” thought it was funny to prank me by taking various items pilfered from theLodge linen closets, the Lodge storage closets and creating an exact replica or “person” of me right down to large bulbous head
(I had shorn my locks real close to my cranium and was almost Mohawk) and replete with silly grin that was drawn for a face with a black magic marker.
Pillows, small blankets and covers created a “body” that was held together inside a cast off T-shirt and jeans positioned underneath the sheets and blankets and to make things entertaining.......this Effigy of me had a “woody”.
The “boner” was a mop handle sticking up and the figures arms were grasping theWoody.
Ok, what ever.
stupid Village men, over the years in theVillage I had such effigys and portrayals made for me and left in various places in theLodge where I lived.
I was given everything from food to porn, music and books, clothes and even a few “live” girls as well that waited for me by my door.
I guess someone wanted my forgiveness, wanted me to “forget” an alleged indescretion or else to just see what the heck I’d do.
Anyway, on with the brief history lesson about King Janus and his new years resolutions.
Some of these “gifts” were branches from sacred trees and these were meant as good fortune.
Hmmm. diamond willow canes..... heartily applied to Me every time I’d go confiscate alcohol, crash teen drinking parties, impound vehicles, arrest assaultive sons & grandkids etc.
Yep, my Villagers certainly loved me and wished me good fortune and good health pretty much every week of every month throughout the whole year with branches, fists, feet, biting me and running me down with vehicles, snow machines and 4 wheelers.
I love Alaska, and I love theVillage.
I do.
I mean it, really.
A resolution is a Commitment that one makes to start a new activity / lifestyle change that pretty much lasts for about 2 weeks and then theResolutionMaker,
being dejected, despondent and really disappointed that the set goal was never achieved or that they even came close sadly turns back to whatever old habits that s/he tried to get out of in the first place!!
Well, that pretty much describes ME, but I’m sure that I’m not the only person on earth that started new resolutions only to quit a few days later or up to a month after that.
Yet at this time I’m quite happy that I’m working out at theNebraskaClubs and that I’m still working here and there in theCity and walking where ever it is that I need to be.
There’s the Physical Fitness resolutions to get into or to stay in shape (that’s my case!! honest)
and there’s the health goals of quitting smoking and quitting drinking. Not that I (theSam!!) smoke or drink, but I’m just saying.
When I patrol by vehicle and pretty much sit on my butt all night and most of the day in a duty vehicle I nibble alot on basic Entertainer / stripper foods, like cold pizza, pop & juice and chew lots of gum.
Occasionally I throw in a few Vanilla steamers and a few cinnamon rolls and call it a day.
But even I need to quit drinking so much pop! So I buy cases of water each month and buy various juices and hydrate upon that, I’ve got so much water molecules in me-I’m just mushy and gooey. A real pushover if you will.
I can attest that all of theAlaska Native non-Profits set Weight Loss as their number one goals for the new years.
Because in each of their respective Villages lives and breathes an Officer that ranges from 150lbs on up to 275lbs, as for theFemaleOfficers they start at 300!!
And those Villages in each ANnP Region vow to lose theWeight each year,
yet some Villages keep theWeight and even gain a few pounds throughout the year, ha ha.
Other New Years Resolutions made also involve socially acceptable norms like giving to thePoor, becoming more Assertive, and in my case becoming more Pragmatic, but let’s not talk about me right now.
Let’s talk about being Economically, Environmentally and Village-lly responsible, as I said, let’s not talk about ME right now.
We’ll just skip anything remotely close to being Responsible. Call me irascable, undeniable and completely forgetable!
theSam!!’s Top 2007 New Year Village Resolutions
1. Yoosing Spel chekar and typing coherently.
“Village chick, hand-cuffs, assault, combative and 90 days” are getting to be cute yet worn descriptions and I should expand my verbiage a bit.
Possibly throw in “an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dotted pasty or a hair clip”,
toss in an extra blurb about storming into the abandoned house and reaching for theVolume knob on the stereo to turn down the music before telling everyone to settle down.
2. Cleaning out my ears more regularly,
After hearing “Lesbianese” on theTV news and running to see HotGirls and only being disappointed by seeing some stupid blurb about theMiddle East one too-many times gets old.
3. Spend more time with family & friends
4. Be more physically ppphhhhtttt!!
Being more physically active reduces cancer risks, increases longevity, achieves weight loss, enhances mood, lowers blood pressure and even improves arthritis.
I find that the more Villagers start to outrun me I have to cut back on Pop tarts and boxes of milk.
I have to limit my food intake of sweets and cake after being fed by Villagers and eat more Moose or sweet black bear meat.
So come on!!
Quit smoking and start enjoying the rest of your god forsaken smoke free Village life!!
Just settle into quiet obscurity with a sober alert mind and take up a hobby or something.
Enjoy life more and quit drinking
Taper gradually or else just get drunk, shoot your guns, get arrested by theVPSO, go to jail and quit Cold Turkey!!
3 Girls, 4 boys, 2 adults and 1 Elderly tried the cold turkey method to no avail but at least they tried.
5. Get out of Debt.
Get a handle on your finances. Us Lakota are sometimes a Literal people. If it’s got a handle on it then it must be worth getting a hold of.
Do what theSam!! did and make sure that the nice new shiny car that he bought had a nice looking door latch that looks...... like a handle!! And the new steering wheel is actually one big Nice round handle.
That one Drive through attendant at theKing!!’s gave me some weird looks after I insisted that my take out bag have a handle on it
Those big boxes from theDonut Depot have cute little spare tires inside and they all have holes in the middle, Handles!!
Challenge your mind to look at food creatively and your horizons will expand, not to mention your waistline!
That new music CD in the discount bargain bin is round and has a hole in the middle of it, see!!! A Handle!!
And those boxes that hold television sets, computer system towers and monitors they all have cut outs on the sides of the boxes....Handles!!
6. Learn something new
Considering a career change? I am.
Apply at Wendys or at theKing!! again....
Want to learn a new language? I didn’t want to but I did and you know..... when you say words from the heart it is fulfilling.
Want to learn how to fix your computer? I had no desire and yet, you just have certain desires thrust upon you in the middle of the night.
How about home repair? Carpentry, carpet & vinyl laying, drywall and painting?
The construction trades aren’t my bag of tea and yet, I had to pour the water, light the stove and look for honey to add to my hot drink.....lots of honey to sweeten the mess that I ended up in recently.
theSam!! has learned to cuss and swear after absent mindedly tipping his PC system off his nightstand while stumbling to the bathroom late late one night in the dark.
the tower was dented bashing into the wall creating a large hole and the cap to the 5 gallon laundry soap wasn’t on tight and leaked out ruining the carpeting.
oh..... by the way, if anyone needs a good deal closer or similar plea bargainer I’m your man.
I had to sales talk theJamaicanLandlady out of evicting me overnight. Best speech I ever made too.
It ranks right up there with theReport I once made in theVillage of how and why my patrol car destroyed grammas food cache and why I had a gaggle of giggling, tipsy bevy of VillageChicks with me too.
My handlers theStateTroops were impressed with that report, now a hard copy sits at theAcademy awaiting the eager eyes of all new Troop / Police & VPSO / VPO recruits and gets torn apart in lively debates and discussions.
It was even a news item and I hated panel vans ever after cos those darn news crews kept following me, but it is funny to see a man in a suit and tie dressed like he’s going to dinner wearing makeup and his hair doesn’t move at all in the brisk Village wind.
Even theNewsChicks are kind of hot.
7. Help Others
But seriously,
Volunteerism takes many forms.
Whether you choose (or often have theTribalCourtOrder you) to spend time at your local school fixing theWindows you smashed out,
or opt to be at the library replacing those comic books you defaced,
or end up helping your neighbor re-build a house, to replace the one that you burned down after getting drunk and thinking they were in cahoots with the local Officers and were out to get you,
or decided to mentor a child etc,
there are many local and state organizations that could really use your help.
And they’ll get it one way or another from you so you might as well take the easy way out and just volunteer a short summer or part of the school year.......... like theSam!! did.
8. Get Organized.
though at first it may not seem like it but this is a very reasonable goal.
After all, you’ll certainly want your home organized enough that you can invite theVPSO!! over on a whim
(besides, he often drops in unannounced anyways looking for booze and drugs to confiscate from you)
so why not make it official and surprise those darn officers the next time they come calling!!
You’ll be so organized that you’ll be able to find that heavy ashtray (to use as a weapon) to fend off your boyfriend during that next DVE
or you can find that stapler & 3 ring binder punch so those Officers can have all their paperwork in order after they finally leave your home!! (with You, or your boyfriend, or your family, heck, even with ALL of you in tow!!)
Aren’t New Years Resolutions great!?
now you and I can be like that old fart, theGreat King Janus of old that could look Both ways,
Behind him into thePast and Forward into theFuture and see theOld And theNew!!
Villagers are like that too, nervously, furtively, pensively, hesitantly looking both ways, behind them and above too before making a move in theVillage.
It’s like they’re strategists in the making or something, always 4 moves ahead of their respective VPSO’s.
And they often are but not for long.
VillageChixxx!! are like that as well. They compare each new incoming VPSO with theOld one and they don’t let go of one Officers pockets with one hand until their other hand is firmly in the pockets of theNext officer.
theNextVillage tales will be penned by herHighness herself, theAlaskanPrincess!! and boy you should see her 2007 New Years high-Resolutions photos.
More than 1500dpi, well above 20mega pixels and if you change your screen settings above 2700x4000 you’ll get to see her graphic 3-D screen savers in Splash modes, Skin modes and if you go on Line with her in IM you’l.... anyway.
She’ll share some more of her Lodge events like telling you if a couple of employees of hers from the 2004 and 2006 assaults are out of Prison yet.
She’ll see if she can add theStork to her Lodge chains menu and to her guests dinner plates as theStork seems to have slipped into a few of her Lodges and made his mark!
And what with the 2006 summer season well over, we’ll see if her HIGHness is over her addiction to postOP surgery meds after she decided to keep up with SleepingLady in theBody enhancing dept.
theSam!!
whom still has his Cheesecake and eats it too.
theSam!!
whom thought that making amends and gift giving for the New Year only applied to his enemies!!
theSam!!
now drowning his sorrows and woes after work at theClosest barrista stand with Candy-cane flavored milk steamers and pumpkin cookies!!
theSam!!
whom was almost persuaded to upgrade his Piano keyboard but opted instead to buy a Violin!!
hhhhmmm, weekly crying jags, a messy apartment full of weapons and now a Violin.
How low does theBoy!! have to go to get noticed around here?!
theSam!!
Native Tradition, high Quality studious thought and timely Lakota Distinction................
just thrown right out the window with each Blog posting!!
theSam!!
still trying to convince his NebraskaClubs personal fitness trainer that 0700hrs really means 1900hrs and that Cookies are really an essential part of stacking carbs to theNewDiet!!
She just sets her pretty jaw even firmer in place grinding her snow white teeth really loudly, shakes out her long hair and then rearranges it in a tight pony tail before she commences to open up a can of whooop a........
Rumor has it that she can crack walnuts with theGlutes, open twist-top bottles with her eyelids and can take one deep breath and not ever ever breathe for the rest of the week, she who is so physically fit.
She’s the man I want to be.
She really got mad after having to demonstrate theSquatMachine to me for the 18th time.
She sprinted really fast after me when I ran for theExit!! and boy is that petite girl really strong to manhandle my 245lbs around theClub!! like nothing.
She wore short shorts that day and now I secretly smile at her because, hee hee hee, I saw theString!!
AerobicDeath!! wears Nike runners, nylon shorts, spandex T-tops and she doesn’t have to wear Goth contacts to scare you.
She can blind you just by exposing ONE of her pristine teeth.
theSam!!
here’s to 2007 and to one scary little blonde!!
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