Live from Fort Stewart!!

How To Tell!!.... that you've been OverCharged (again) for Basic Enlisted Barracks Quarters Room damage even though you JustMovedIn!!

 

-On theCallOut price list, theHole In theWall charge starts at $45, but when your roomie (a 2 man room) takes a dump YOU charge $80 to stick your hand through and Wipe!!

 

-theCeramicTile costs $60 to replace yet that youngArmyChick!! you had over last weekend (after her hubby deployed) had breast Implants harder, Smoother and Colder than your apt kitchenCounterTops!!

 

-you got drunk (again), lost your key card and spent another $30 and now replace it so many times, Housing gave up on you, thus leaving theMainExchange (army PX) store clerks took over and now they "codeProximity" label your 151 Rum bottle labels to at least keep your Apt doors unlocked at least 4 days a week.

 

-theDamaged!! interior Storm door ($400) actually refers to your girlfriends Diaphragm!!

d:o(

 

-theSink Fixture ($120), is really that hot lil' female from WeaponsBrigade who keeps on using your Barracks kitchen sink as her bidet!!

 

-theSmokeDetector ($235), can nowadays, be pretty much any roomie from any of theBarracksBldgs Apts (to include across the way currently underConstruction!!) whom pounds on your apt door or bedroom window every time they think you might have a smoke (and to include when you actually DO light up a cigarette)

 

AND EVEN MORE MONETARY DAMAGES!!

 

-theWindowScreen ($55) is actually theMeshBody stockings of the 8 Army girls and 4StripDancers currently stalking you!! (or hounding for cigarettes or to buy them... to SHARE alcohol with them!!)

 

-theCleaning of Chairs!! ($55 each plus an additional $25 per chair) is quickly draining your bank account after each LoveMaking!! session - and lately, it's just been YOU and the box of Kleenex Sam!!

 

-So far, the only "Double Metal Storm Doors" ($400 - $2000) you can see in your Barracks Apt is the Stainless Braces in the mouth of that cute 18yro currently living with your RoomMate!!

 

-Misc Bldg Damages ($20 - $5000!!) also covers, Your sleepWalkingNude episodes all the way down to your Slam Dance routine when listening to GoldenOldies countryMusic radio station.

 

-theBathRoom area!! ($30 - $480) also includes, Your soiled undies, All 4 corners of your room AND your roomMates face after you drink 3 Tequila bottles

 

-thanks to base JAG / judge advocateGeneral!! being on your side (at least this time Sam!!), the "Acts of God clauses" in your rental agreement now includes "5 consecutive days of every 30 days of your girlfriend's monthly cycle"

 

d:oP

 

IN LOVING MEMORY!!  (but we completely forgot!!)

 

How To Tell Your Memorial Ceremony!? was promptly forgotten!!

 

On theMemorial Flyer cover;

-Instead of a flashy Unit crest of Deaths head reaping, raping and pillaging every known enemy to mankind with fire shooting out it's redEyes!!,  there was a SELFpicture of YOU passed out under your Barracks apt bunk bed!! 

 

(completely staged Sam... completely staged)

 

-Instead of, "In Loving Memory of PFC Samuel L Flying....", theChapel Memorial flyer read; "He's Gone, We found his alcohol he'd stashed in the Woods around base, Let's Party!!"

 

-Instead of an historicLooking, heraldic icon Gray Coat of Arms w/ 2 gallant looking Round Circles representing 2 cannon balls of old or perhaps, two gnarly looking Mace Heads and decorated in concentric tiny shapes of red, green and black...... There was a photoShoot clipping of 2 Pizzas placed atop a brick Oven counter!!

 

am I getting my point across here!? !!

 

-theWords "First Battallion 2nd Field Artillery" was struck out in redInk and was followed w/ "First BELLY - 2nd Stolichnaya Artery!!",

as if to signify your 2 most important needs in life Sam!!, and how to administer your Alcohol!!

 

-and lastly, theFadedType cast in backGround cover read like a WackedOut!! police report Sam, one of YOUR old villagePolice!! reports you wrote long ago.......

 

And To Further Add Insult To Inju..... to DEATH!!

 

the 2nd Page of theMemorial Ceremony Flyer.

-was Intentionally left BLANK!!

 

-theUnit Crest on theUpper left page was replaced w/ a game of HangMan!!, (oddly enough Sam!!, theDangling stick figure looked just like YOU in uniform!!)

 

-theSupportBattallion Unit crest on the Upper Right page that looked like a tan flySwatter... was actually a photograph of your desertTan colored briefs to Include piss & shit stains!!

 

-on the first line of text that read, "Main Post chapel, 1400" WASN'T referring to the Location and Time of your memorial Sam, It referred to your last DUI event, What you crashed into and theMonetary damages!!

 

-*hiccup!!*,  the Welcome remarks made by the Chaplain had to be delivered after a few dozen stiff drinks!!

 

-theNational Anthem music recording was replaced by "Barney is a dinosaur, in our Imagination..."

 

-No one stood for the Invocation!! d:o(

 

-theDrill Sgts remarks were totally honest!!,

cos you did lead theUnit, erh, You lead them to the ChowHall every day running, even when you were on crutches

 

-cos your contributions to Unit community service events were "selfLess" as in, Your "SELF" was "Less", or totally Absent on community service event days,

 

-cos you WERE a bright shining beacon that did indeed shown from afar, due to that Parachute flare mishap when you lit yourself on fire atop hill 27 and all the lost soldiers doing Night Land Nav SHOT their azmuths on you!!

 

-Some one yelled "BINGO!!" during your Memorial Service - and Won!!

d:o(

 

-Nobody said a damn thing during "Soldier Tribute"

 

-During LastRollCall, your 1st Sgts got very angry (again),

"jeebus chrisst, where the fuck is he!?, Somebody drive to the barracks and wake his ass up!!", and the whole parking lot emptied.

 

-During theFiring of Volleys, your ashes were shot out over thePT field - but quickly drifted away towards female barracks!!

 

and finally!!

 

-theSoundingOfTaps was actually Everyone impatiently drumming their fingers!!

 

lovs,

theSam!!

us army Infantry!!