2 cats for sale!!!
Nah...
I can't sell my two cats Leo and Fluffy.
They're too cute. Besides, no one can feed them pet them and argue with them like I can.
We just saw Catwoman on DVD. Oh heavens, I'm in love with black leather, heels and tiny women.
theSam’s!!
How to Tell if You’re being Stalked by thePrincess.
(even though you quit working for Her YEARS ago)
1. You return home from work one day to find NFL-themee decorations (Denver Broncos) all over the place.
2. You go to the barber for a haircut and he puts the “Sea-Witch” logo on the back of your head - complete with Royal Blue dye.
3. Ditto for the dog groomers, and your Cat!!
4. Your pets food dishes are replaced by outrageously expensive Hand-made, Gold sprinkled, Kiln-fired white glazed China plates weighing 20 lbs each.
5. Your wardrobe has been replaced with khaki pants and white uniform shirts. In fact, you have an intense dislike for Green & Khaki pants, Royal blue shirts and black pants, plain white shirts and black pants, black aprons, Maroon shirts and black pants.
6. You have an aversion to White colored vans, Green golf carts, Luxery motor coaches, immaculately kept lawns, colorful flowers, Old People. Even hot older women just aren’t appealing anymore.
7. Even though you bought satellite TV service with Every conceivable program you only receive 6 Channels: CNN, NBC local, ESPN, the Home Shopping Network, ABC Los Angeles and.....thePrincess Tours channel (with up to the minute pics of your house, your work space, your kids at school!!)
8. Every 4th of July you get a memo tacked to your front door saying that “Fireworks are not allowed, In Fact, They’re not even your Constitutional Right”.
9. Even though you have a steady DAYTIME job you keep waking up at 1 a.m. to clean and restock your bathroom.
10. In fact, your home is so clean you can Bounce a young College girl off the crisp bed sheets.
11. While camping alone 300 miles out in the Wilderness you go for a short hike. Upon returning to your camp site you find used wine bottles, beer cans, cigarette butts and other trash NEATLY sacked up by the campfire......And fireworks LITTERED ALL Over.
12. You paint your new roadside mailbox and return later to find that you’ve been “tagged” with a “leaping fish” logo under a mountain scene in the colors - Copper and Silver.
13. You can’t eat any meal without drinking out of logo etched glassware. And speaking of “can’t eat”, you’re still paying off the outrageously expensive hospital bill when your Gall Bladder died after you stopped eating thePrincess’ rich food.
14. Every door that you attempt to unlock you inadvertently “swipe” the keys like an electronic key card.
15. You broke your arm one Winter and entertained yourself telling everyone about the King Salmon that one of thePrincess’ guests caught that was “this big”.
16. You can still mimick every twang, drawl, nasal tone and warble from any part of the World after having talked with so many Guests long ago.
17. Your day just isn’t complete without a 200 acre hike to ensure all is well, (3 - 4 times a night AALL night) and just for the heck of it you occasionally sprint out 2-3 miles and back, sometimes Through the Bear and Moose infested Woods.
18. Your once disordered, cluttered yet spontaneous Life is now Dominated by checklists, charts, PowerPoint, flow sheets, bulletin board postings, email, daily phone messages and endless meetings.
19. You buy the usual everyday things like new boots, a new music CD or even bubblegum and you give yourself an 8 hour PowerPoint presentation (complete with hourly water & restroom breaks) BEFORE Using Anything!
20. You never ever look at a plain glass of water or at a vacuam the same again.
21. You can still recall every square inch of your Lodge grounds Trailer house.
If it wasn’t for the pictures as hard photographic proof, your mother would have never believed that you kept your Employee living quarters so clean and spotless.
22. You Safety Brief everyone that you drive around and the vehicle DOESN’T move until Everyone is seat - buckled in.
23. You know everything about Titanium Hips, Composite Knees and about Dozens of other peoples Grandchildren MORE than you know about your own family.
24. Every time you see somone wearing a “Chicken” or “Squirrel” or “Frog” costume standing on the street corner hawking food, or used cars, You shudder in horror at the Moose-suit thePrincess used to make you wear for Her guests.
25. You can still literally run over gravel soundlessly and after having honed your woodland stalking skills so sharply while creeping through theDark looking for Kids drinking, that the Military keeps begging you to instruct their commandos.
26. You know the sightlines from Every conceivable hiding place and each hidden path in theVillage AND from Everyone elses place in relation to YOUR home.
27. No matter how hard you try to shovel away the Snow or to just mow the damn lawn you end up juztaposing theMountain scene mural in relation to the feng shui from the other houses in the neighborhood and try to balance out the falling shadows from the trees in relation to the Wind direction as the rain falls or the.........
28. Every time you have company visit or Leave you can’t resist the urge to run out and wave hysterically.
29. You can have the crappiest of days......and yet you just Smile.
30. The words “Saphire”, Northern Latitude”, “Great Room”, “Kitchen”, “Deluxe Excursion” don’t refer to Strippers, a far most Location, a tired room with a huge fireplace, your favorite hangout or the latest trips in fleeecing theTourists. But are acronyms to Princess customer service skills that you can’t get out of your head!!
31. Every morning you wake up holding your Princess whom you met at Work. She’s the once you bounce now.
The End.
YVC is the hippest happening place for all theVillage gossip, zany shenanigans and down right sillies fresh from theVillage.
Or at least a few years past Expiration date, but what the Hey!!!
http://www.alaskavillagetales.blogspot.com/
Join Chelsea Talker theVillage’s own Roving News Reporter and weather man Uncle Mike as they deliver the scoop on who’s Delerium Tremens shaking, who’s Staggering and who’s sitting in the local jail.
Uhhh, how else they gonna keep up the ruse of respectability while being Bootleggers because they travel so much In and Out of theVillage??
Weatherman Mike is more accurate than WWII Vet Grampa Lyle’s arthritic knees and elbow, except when his radio batteries are low! Have you ever seen two inebriates go out of their way to fabricate, dupe and pull the wool over the VPSO’s eyes?
http://www.alaskavillagetales.blogspot.com/
Now that the YVC grant for Edujumacation came through, the YVC site has theVillage Ticker at the bottom of the TV screen.
Your Village Called!! (again) *ssiigghh*
Your Village Called!!.........for Help.
They wanted to know how to get rid of the VPSO.
Your Village Called!!.......collect. Will you accept the charges? After all you arrested and sent away dang near Everybody last weekend.
Your Village Called!!........you late for supper! No more free meals at Gramma’s house since you arrested her grand daughter.
Your Village Called!!......Council Chief wants his TV remote back. Seems that you put down your Tazer gun last night after breaking up the House party when he was gone from theVillage. He pointed the Tazer at the TV and pressed the button at the same time his son walked in the way.
Your Village Called!!.....you and breathed heavy into the phone. Guess 3 of your “Crushes” are back in theVillage and they want to keep tabs on you.
Your Village Called!!.....who shot up the Dump again?? The school shop teachers are mad because you ruined the good metal on the refrigerators and freezers and knocked all the good scrap lumber full of bullet holes.
Your Village Called!!.......where are the sled dogs? Is it true that the Hunkpapa Lakota used to eat dogs for special feasts and as last resort in times of famine??
Your Village Called!! The latest, greatest and most scandalous non-Profit organization ever to hit the State since..... since the Wurkoski Administration.
Can’t find them on the map? They’re somewhere close to theCity yet always just a hop, skip and jump from the Border in case they run afoul of theLaw.
Each of theVillages that reside (and Move) within the YVC region always runs through VPSO’s and Tribal Administrators faster than the life span of Vodka at a house party.
Till Next time. Happy Halloween 2005
theSam!!
I can't sell my two cats Leo and Fluffy.
They're too cute. Besides, no one can feed them pet them and argue with them like I can.
We just saw Catwoman on DVD. Oh heavens, I'm in love with black leather, heels and tiny women.
theSam’s!!
How to Tell if You’re being Stalked by thePrincess.
(even though you quit working for Her YEARS ago)
1. You return home from work one day to find NFL-themee decorations (Denver Broncos) all over the place.
2. You go to the barber for a haircut and he puts the “Sea-Witch” logo on the back of your head - complete with Royal Blue dye.
3. Ditto for the dog groomers, and your Cat!!
4. Your pets food dishes are replaced by outrageously expensive Hand-made, Gold sprinkled, Kiln-fired white glazed China plates weighing 20 lbs each.
5. Your wardrobe has been replaced with khaki pants and white uniform shirts. In fact, you have an intense dislike for Green & Khaki pants, Royal blue shirts and black pants, plain white shirts and black pants, black aprons, Maroon shirts and black pants.
6. You have an aversion to White colored vans, Green golf carts, Luxery motor coaches, immaculately kept lawns, colorful flowers, Old People. Even hot older women just aren’t appealing anymore.
7. Even though you bought satellite TV service with Every conceivable program you only receive 6 Channels: CNN, NBC local, ESPN, the Home Shopping Network, ABC Los Angeles and.....thePrincess Tours channel (with up to the minute pics of your house, your work space, your kids at school!!)
8. Every 4th of July you get a memo tacked to your front door saying that “Fireworks are not allowed, In Fact, They’re not even your Constitutional Right”.
9. Even though you have a steady DAYTIME job you keep waking up at 1 a.m. to clean and restock your bathroom.
10. In fact, your home is so clean you can Bounce a young College girl off the crisp bed sheets.
11. While camping alone 300 miles out in the Wilderness you go for a short hike. Upon returning to your camp site you find used wine bottles, beer cans, cigarette butts and other trash NEATLY sacked up by the campfire......And fireworks LITTERED ALL Over.
12. You paint your new roadside mailbox and return later to find that you’ve been “tagged” with a “leaping fish” logo under a mountain scene in the colors - Copper and Silver.
13. You can’t eat any meal without drinking out of logo etched glassware. And speaking of “can’t eat”, you’re still paying off the outrageously expensive hospital bill when your Gall Bladder died after you stopped eating thePrincess’ rich food.
14. Every door that you attempt to unlock you inadvertently “swipe” the keys like an electronic key card.
15. You broke your arm one Winter and entertained yourself telling everyone about the King Salmon that one of thePrincess’ guests caught that was “this big”.
16. You can still mimick every twang, drawl, nasal tone and warble from any part of the World after having talked with so many Guests long ago.
17. Your day just isn’t complete without a 200 acre hike to ensure all is well, (3 - 4 times a night AALL night) and just for the heck of it you occasionally sprint out 2-3 miles and back, sometimes Through the Bear and Moose infested Woods.
18. Your once disordered, cluttered yet spontaneous Life is now Dominated by checklists, charts, PowerPoint, flow sheets, bulletin board postings, email, daily phone messages and endless meetings.
19. You buy the usual everyday things like new boots, a new music CD or even bubblegum and you give yourself an 8 hour PowerPoint presentation (complete with hourly water & restroom breaks) BEFORE Using Anything!
20. You never ever look at a plain glass of water or at a vacuam the same again.
21. You can still recall every square inch of your Lodge grounds Trailer house.
If it wasn’t for the pictures as hard photographic proof, your mother would have never believed that you kept your Employee living quarters so clean and spotless.
22. You Safety Brief everyone that you drive around and the vehicle DOESN’T move until Everyone is seat - buckled in.
23. You know everything about Titanium Hips, Composite Knees and about Dozens of other peoples Grandchildren MORE than you know about your own family.
24. Every time you see somone wearing a “Chicken” or “Squirrel” or “Frog” costume standing on the street corner hawking food, or used cars, You shudder in horror at the Moose-suit thePrincess used to make you wear for Her guests.
25. You can still literally run over gravel soundlessly and after having honed your woodland stalking skills so sharply while creeping through theDark looking for Kids drinking, that the Military keeps begging you to instruct their commandos.
26. You know the sightlines from Every conceivable hiding place and each hidden path in theVillage AND from Everyone elses place in relation to YOUR home.
27. No matter how hard you try to shovel away the Snow or to just mow the damn lawn you end up juztaposing theMountain scene mural in relation to the feng shui from the other houses in the neighborhood and try to balance out the falling shadows from the trees in relation to the Wind direction as the rain falls or the.........
28. Every time you have company visit or Leave you can’t resist the urge to run out and wave hysterically.
29. You can have the crappiest of days......and yet you just Smile.
30. The words “Saphire”, Northern Latitude”, “Great Room”, “Kitchen”, “Deluxe Excursion” don’t refer to Strippers, a far most Location, a tired room with a huge fireplace, your favorite hangout or the latest trips in fleeecing theTourists. But are acronyms to Princess customer service skills that you can’t get out of your head!!
31. Every morning you wake up holding your Princess whom you met at Work. She’s the once you bounce now.
The End.
YVC is the hippest happening place for all theVillage gossip, zany shenanigans and down right sillies fresh from theVillage.
Or at least a few years past Expiration date, but what the Hey!!!
http://www.alaskavillagetales.blogspot.com/
Join Chelsea Talker theVillage’s own Roving News Reporter and weather man Uncle Mike as they deliver the scoop on who’s Delerium Tremens shaking, who’s Staggering and who’s sitting in the local jail.
Uhhh, how else they gonna keep up the ruse of respectability while being Bootleggers because they travel so much In and Out of theVillage??
Weatherman Mike is more accurate than WWII Vet Grampa Lyle’s arthritic knees and elbow, except when his radio batteries are low! Have you ever seen two inebriates go out of their way to fabricate, dupe and pull the wool over the VPSO’s eyes?
http://www.alaskavillagetales.blogspot.com/
Now that the YVC grant for Edujumacation came through, the YVC site has theVillage Ticker at the bottom of the TV screen.
Your Village Called!! (again) *ssiigghh*
Your Village Called!!.........for Help.
They wanted to know how to get rid of the VPSO.
Your Village Called!!.......collect. Will you accept the charges? After all you arrested and sent away dang near Everybody last weekend.
Your Village Called!!........you late for supper! No more free meals at Gramma’s house since you arrested her grand daughter.
Your Village Called!!......Council Chief wants his TV remote back. Seems that you put down your Tazer gun last night after breaking up the House party when he was gone from theVillage. He pointed the Tazer at the TV and pressed the button at the same time his son walked in the way.
Your Village Called!!.....you and breathed heavy into the phone. Guess 3 of your “Crushes” are back in theVillage and they want to keep tabs on you.
Your Village Called!!.....who shot up the Dump again?? The school shop teachers are mad because you ruined the good metal on the refrigerators and freezers and knocked all the good scrap lumber full of bullet holes.
Your Village Called!!.......where are the sled dogs? Is it true that the Hunkpapa Lakota used to eat dogs for special feasts and as last resort in times of famine??
Your Village Called!! The latest, greatest and most scandalous non-Profit organization ever to hit the State since..... since the Wurkoski Administration.
Can’t find them on the map? They’re somewhere close to theCity yet always just a hop, skip and jump from the Border in case they run afoul of theLaw.
Each of theVillages that reside (and Move) within the YVC region always runs through VPSO’s and Tribal Administrators faster than the life span of Vodka at a house party.
Till Next time. Happy Halloween 2005
theSam!!
Comments
A chicken. a dog trainer and some STD's?
Now I'm really getting scared and considering going back to snail mail and HAND writing letters to friends.
You people frighten me.
But thanks for visiting the site.
My writings are based on Actual Alaskan events you know.
peace.
theSam!!