a Pile of Shoes
it's currently 0400hrs, AKDT, I tossed and turned for a while in fitful sleep, then sat up, scooted over on my bed to within reach of my pianoKeyboard, turned it on and attached my Headphones (so I won't disturb any of my roomies in theOther AP rooms) and did some basic scales, now I feel much better that I've done that.
It was my first winter with my churchFoster family, those mormons that took me in for one school year to help me transition into a life full of better education & better Life opportunities as well, my homesickness was past yet most nights I fell asleep in tears missing Mama and lil' Sister Jess & lil' brother Allen (Charles, now deceased of Cancer)
I was born Lakota, had been infused?! (for lack of a better word right now at 4a.m.) had been given theDNA of my ancestors, passed down to me from my mother, those precious markers and traits that only theWomen can carry and pass down to their offspring,
I was taught Lakota, had been given the basic language of my ancestors, that harsh, beautiful, sometimes, gutteral sounding, glossal tongue of my Family,
but while I lived with that White family, I started to learn of a WhiteGod and what he had in mind for me, a humble lil' Indian boy.
My fosterParents, theGardiners, were silent at times, stoic, proud people.
Dad was a farmer & rancher even though at 0745hrs he'd be dressed and ready for work in town (2miles away from our farm) and he'd drive a few minutes to a nice comfortable office in the local REA / rural electric association building.
At times, I had been in that office building after hours with my fosterDad and my olderFoster brother and my fosterBrother gave me the tour of theREA building,
we saw every office up front and then went to the great warehouse room in back that housed all the equipment, tools and supplies that a power company needs to hook up new houses to theLocal grid, and we saw theFleet of LineMen / Utility work vehicles parked outside too, it was all impressive to see and my young eyes told me that theFosterParents that took me into their home that first year, were important people,
In fact, in spite of my now being OUT of Mormonism in 2008, that first year in 1976 with myFosterFamily did impress upon me much good things about thePeople that had anything to do with me, and not so much theReligion-now that I think about it.
We lived in a valley, CacheValley, were surrounded on 2 sides by close setting steep mountains and further north and south were mountains too, but Interstate traffic drove through North & South a few miles away, but still, for a while that valley was Paradise to me,
I remember my first snowfall I experienced,
it was daytime, and as winter approached we could see theSnowLine come down theMtns west of us as the daily temps fell increasingly,
Since we lived on a ruralFarm, us Men were outside everyday and we saw the weather change day by day,
We'd go feed cattle across theRoad, Dad's farm was divided up into two Corraled areas where theLivestock was housed and fed, we lived close to one Corral area, and crossed the small highway to theEast and drove a mile across theFields to get to the Other part of the farm,
Soon snow started falling and sprinkling everything, like powdered sugar or gentle sprinklings of flour from heaven, I had seen SNOW before but that was in SouthDakota,
There in Idaho theSnow was a bit different, was bigger flakes, more drier, less clumped, not as moist. I'd ride standing up in the old farm pickup, standing or sitting in the pickup bed all bundled up and opened my mouth to catch the snow!!
even my olderFosterBrother played such games with me, for awhile he was close to me, a new friend, but, after a 2nd year of me, he grew distant and was not so friendly with me,
and this is what I remember most sometimes when I see theSnowFall here in AK.
It's not so much the good memories of theVillage!!,
it's not so much the bad ones either, but of the past, back in Idaho when I was first experiencing life away from theDysfunctional reservation and all it's Bigotry & distrust of Natives by White people,
I also had an olderFosterSister at that time frame, of 1976.
Looking back, she was like any teen you see today, trying to fit in and make friends at a mormon school, and dealing with issues that teens face, while my olderFosterBrother & I were bonding a bit with tussles here and there, and working side by side taking care of our assigned chores on the farm,
my olderSister Ann didn't have to do much of farm work that we boys did, but sometimes she'd accompany us men when we drove across theRoad to theOther side of the farm and would spend about 30 to 45mins feeding cows; scooping grain, apportioning out hay & alfalfa and making sure theWater was still running,
Ann would find a small patch of ice and figure skate there while we did chores.
She was beautiful to me, in her seriousness and fun seeking, in theMidst of hardened snowy ground, bare ground and shattered ice, she'd mince around a bit on the smooth 10 to 20foot patches and be a ballerina & spin and turn,
Back home in theHouse, us kids had chores to do INSIDE the house.
And we'd do them everyday, like, sometimes I'd take out theGarbage to a firePit behind theQuanset / metalShed and was supposed to Burn it,
Our house had a couple of adjacent enclosed porches, rooms where all theOutside clothes were kept and stored, and theRule was, that if you could find a pair of shoes or boots to wear then you could wear them for that short time, like, say of taking a short trip outside in warm or cold weather to burn garbage,
I remember one time, I picked up an used pair of blue mens sneakers and put my socked feet in them and went around the corner with a couple of full trash bags,
well. for some odd reason, my olderFosterSister Ann, had seen me and then followed me, and I caught hell from her for "wearing her shoes!!" etc,
and in that winter cold, she made me take my shoes off, or rather, HER shoes and she walked back around theCorner with them,
So I cried and stayed outside for a bit, even when a fosterParent, seeing Ann walk back with shoes, came out to comfort me and then tell me to hurry up and burn the garbage!! then left, I stayed outside a bit,
trying to get theBook of matches to catch a few pieces of paper or some newspaper & letters, then I got a good blaze started and took some comfort in theHeat and flames,
Ann wasn't sorry at all for taking the shoes off my feet once I was back inside the house, in fact, throughout that first year, she stayed being Mean to me, and only got worse each year that I went back to that family,
I haven't thought of Ann or my olderFosterBrother OR my other OlderHighSchool & College age siblings that were around at that time, not in Years,
I haven't thought of them because, quiet frankly, anything good or bad done to me by them wasn't of Malice, it wasn't intentional, it was just life,
of being a child in a large mormon family and getting picked on and being at conflict with multiple siblings at once everyday, but if I have to put a finger on something and say it,
I will now.
I will say that Ann didn't like me. Neither did my olderFosterBrother, the one who was my age and one year ahead of me in school.
But somehow, they tolerated me, at times when they had to stay home with me, they fed me, they teased me to tears, but it was never Malice like what you see today with people screwing each other over and of conflicts being fatal,
but still. They didn't like me.
Even though their precious religion taught me that, yes, deep down inside they were supposed to like me and accept me as a fellow brother in christ and treat me as an equally endowed human being etc, they didn't think of me in that way.
But that is the lesson that I have carried with me for over 30yrs now, even though I may not have thought of theTeachers!!, because, theTeachers!! more or less gave up their credentials and gave up their hold upon me that first year of mistreating me,
That is what I thought of last night, just a few hours ago, around Midnight, when I woke up from a short nap (again) and dressed for Cold weather, Cos Anchorage is under lots of snow and the temps are below zero now,
And I followed theTracks in the snow from my apt house and down theStreet, to theSidewalk, then I walked East to theMtns and barely made it to theRedApple store before Midnight and bought some eggNog and more Pop!! it's theHolidays!! I'mma drink some sweet pop and eggnog, which goes great with my Bacardi 151 Rum!!
And as I followed theTracks in the snow to theStore and back, a part of me went back to that one day in Idaho, when my fosterSister followed me and took possession of "her" shoes,
When we treat other people rudely and are mean to them, when we ignore other people and aren't nice to them, we in essence, strip them of Hope.
We steal from them. We take from them some Decency, we take from them some Dignity. And we don't know if what they have left inside of them is theLAST,
We don't know if we'll do something to them that will turn them forever to evil or to good in life.
Yesterday, ThanksgivingDay!! 2008.
I was invited to a gathering with some trusted people, but no one ever called me to pick me up as planned,
so I ventured on over to my place of work and wandered around theMall before stopping by theFoodCourt to eat,
and I watched my CoffeeKiosk, where I work, from a distance and saw how busy theBarista's were,
then I bought some 151Rum and went home again.
and Drank much, played some guitar, I recorded some newChordProgressions and then got sleepy. And napped a few hours and then got up.
Then I slept a couple more hours and snapped right up before Midnight, because a brief, silent dream of over 30yrs ago awakened, of those old discarded, barely used piles of shoes.
I never drank until a summer or two ago when I turned 40.
it's great therapy though, cos now and then, it awakens me, like last night.
Well.
Time to nap again and wake up, get ready for a few more hours of playing a Barista!! at work,
I'm not "really" a Barista, I just look like it (greenApron, tacky nameTag & BaristaPin & ballCap) and I work with some cute-cute "Partners", theIndustryJargon or label for "coWorkers",
Always,
theSam!!
Samuel L Flyinghorse
Anchorage, Alaska
AlaskaVillageTales
It was my first winter with my churchFoster family, those mormons that took me in for one school year to help me transition into a life full of better education & better Life opportunities as well, my homesickness was past yet most nights I fell asleep in tears missing Mama and lil' Sister Jess & lil' brother Allen (Charles, now deceased of Cancer)
I was born Lakota, had been infused?! (for lack of a better word right now at 4a.m.) had been given theDNA of my ancestors, passed down to me from my mother, those precious markers and traits that only theWomen can carry and pass down to their offspring,
I was taught Lakota, had been given the basic language of my ancestors, that harsh, beautiful, sometimes, gutteral sounding, glossal tongue of my Family,
but while I lived with that White family, I started to learn of a WhiteGod and what he had in mind for me, a humble lil' Indian boy.
My fosterParents, theGardiners, were silent at times, stoic, proud people.
Dad was a farmer & rancher even though at 0745hrs he'd be dressed and ready for work in town (2miles away from our farm) and he'd drive a few minutes to a nice comfortable office in the local REA / rural electric association building.
At times, I had been in that office building after hours with my fosterDad and my olderFoster brother and my fosterBrother gave me the tour of theREA building,
we saw every office up front and then went to the great warehouse room in back that housed all the equipment, tools and supplies that a power company needs to hook up new houses to theLocal grid, and we saw theFleet of LineMen / Utility work vehicles parked outside too, it was all impressive to see and my young eyes told me that theFosterParents that took me into their home that first year, were important people,
In fact, in spite of my now being OUT of Mormonism in 2008, that first year in 1976 with myFosterFamily did impress upon me much good things about thePeople that had anything to do with me, and not so much theReligion-now that I think about it.
We lived in a valley, CacheValley, were surrounded on 2 sides by close setting steep mountains and further north and south were mountains too, but Interstate traffic drove through North & South a few miles away, but still, for a while that valley was Paradise to me,
I remember my first snowfall I experienced,
it was daytime, and as winter approached we could see theSnowLine come down theMtns west of us as the daily temps fell increasingly,
Since we lived on a ruralFarm, us Men were outside everyday and we saw the weather change day by day,
We'd go feed cattle across theRoad, Dad's farm was divided up into two Corraled areas where theLivestock was housed and fed, we lived close to one Corral area, and crossed the small highway to theEast and drove a mile across theFields to get to the Other part of the farm,
Soon snow started falling and sprinkling everything, like powdered sugar or gentle sprinklings of flour from heaven, I had seen SNOW before but that was in SouthDakota,
There in Idaho theSnow was a bit different, was bigger flakes, more drier, less clumped, not as moist. I'd ride standing up in the old farm pickup, standing or sitting in the pickup bed all bundled up and opened my mouth to catch the snow!!
even my olderFosterBrother played such games with me, for awhile he was close to me, a new friend, but, after a 2nd year of me, he grew distant and was not so friendly with me,
and this is what I remember most sometimes when I see theSnowFall here in AK.
It's not so much the good memories of theVillage!!,
it's not so much the bad ones either, but of the past, back in Idaho when I was first experiencing life away from theDysfunctional reservation and all it's Bigotry & distrust of Natives by White people,
I also had an olderFosterSister at that time frame, of 1976.
Looking back, she was like any teen you see today, trying to fit in and make friends at a mormon school, and dealing with issues that teens face, while my olderFosterBrother & I were bonding a bit with tussles here and there, and working side by side taking care of our assigned chores on the farm,
my olderSister Ann didn't have to do much of farm work that we boys did, but sometimes she'd accompany us men when we drove across theRoad to theOther side of the farm and would spend about 30 to 45mins feeding cows; scooping grain, apportioning out hay & alfalfa and making sure theWater was still running,
Ann would find a small patch of ice and figure skate there while we did chores.
She was beautiful to me, in her seriousness and fun seeking, in theMidst of hardened snowy ground, bare ground and shattered ice, she'd mince around a bit on the smooth 10 to 20foot patches and be a ballerina & spin and turn,
Back home in theHouse, us kids had chores to do INSIDE the house.
And we'd do them everyday, like, sometimes I'd take out theGarbage to a firePit behind theQuanset / metalShed and was supposed to Burn it,
Our house had a couple of adjacent enclosed porches, rooms where all theOutside clothes were kept and stored, and theRule was, that if you could find a pair of shoes or boots to wear then you could wear them for that short time, like, say of taking a short trip outside in warm or cold weather to burn garbage,
I remember one time, I picked up an used pair of blue mens sneakers and put my socked feet in them and went around the corner with a couple of full trash bags,
well. for some odd reason, my olderFosterSister Ann, had seen me and then followed me, and I caught hell from her for "wearing her shoes!!" etc,
and in that winter cold, she made me take my shoes off, or rather, HER shoes and she walked back around theCorner with them,
So I cried and stayed outside for a bit, even when a fosterParent, seeing Ann walk back with shoes, came out to comfort me and then tell me to hurry up and burn the garbage!! then left, I stayed outside a bit,
trying to get theBook of matches to catch a few pieces of paper or some newspaper & letters, then I got a good blaze started and took some comfort in theHeat and flames,
Ann wasn't sorry at all for taking the shoes off my feet once I was back inside the house, in fact, throughout that first year, she stayed being Mean to me, and only got worse each year that I went back to that family,
I haven't thought of Ann or my olderFosterBrother OR my other OlderHighSchool & College age siblings that were around at that time, not in Years,
I haven't thought of them because, quiet frankly, anything good or bad done to me by them wasn't of Malice, it wasn't intentional, it was just life,
of being a child in a large mormon family and getting picked on and being at conflict with multiple siblings at once everyday, but if I have to put a finger on something and say it,
I will now.
I will say that Ann didn't like me. Neither did my olderFosterBrother, the one who was my age and one year ahead of me in school.
But somehow, they tolerated me, at times when they had to stay home with me, they fed me, they teased me to tears, but it was never Malice like what you see today with people screwing each other over and of conflicts being fatal,
but still. They didn't like me.
Even though their precious religion taught me that, yes, deep down inside they were supposed to like me and accept me as a fellow brother in christ and treat me as an equally endowed human being etc, they didn't think of me in that way.
But that is the lesson that I have carried with me for over 30yrs now, even though I may not have thought of theTeachers!!, because, theTeachers!! more or less gave up their credentials and gave up their hold upon me that first year of mistreating me,
That is what I thought of last night, just a few hours ago, around Midnight, when I woke up from a short nap (again) and dressed for Cold weather, Cos Anchorage is under lots of snow and the temps are below zero now,
And I followed theTracks in the snow from my apt house and down theStreet, to theSidewalk, then I walked East to theMtns and barely made it to theRedApple store before Midnight and bought some eggNog and more Pop!! it's theHolidays!! I'mma drink some sweet pop and eggnog, which goes great with my Bacardi 151 Rum!!
And as I followed theTracks in the snow to theStore and back, a part of me went back to that one day in Idaho, when my fosterSister followed me and took possession of "her" shoes,
When we treat other people rudely and are mean to them, when we ignore other people and aren't nice to them, we in essence, strip them of Hope.
We steal from them. We take from them some Decency, we take from them some Dignity. And we don't know if what they have left inside of them is theLAST,
We don't know if we'll do something to them that will turn them forever to evil or to good in life.
Yesterday, ThanksgivingDay!! 2008.
I was invited to a gathering with some trusted people, but no one ever called me to pick me up as planned,
so I ventured on over to my place of work and wandered around theMall before stopping by theFoodCourt to eat,
and I watched my CoffeeKiosk, where I work, from a distance and saw how busy theBarista's were,
then I bought some 151Rum and went home again.
and Drank much, played some guitar, I recorded some newChordProgressions and then got sleepy. And napped a few hours and then got up.
Then I slept a couple more hours and snapped right up before Midnight, because a brief, silent dream of over 30yrs ago awakened, of those old discarded, barely used piles of shoes.
I never drank until a summer or two ago when I turned 40.
it's great therapy though, cos now and then, it awakens me, like last night.
Well.
Time to nap again and wake up, get ready for a few more hours of playing a Barista!! at work,
I'm not "really" a Barista, I just look like it (greenApron, tacky nameTag & BaristaPin & ballCap) and I work with some cute-cute "Partners", theIndustryJargon or label for "coWorkers",
Always,
theSam!!
Samuel L Flyinghorse
Anchorage, Alaska
AlaskaVillageTales
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