Hey Yoo!!
thePlagiarist!! presents, another Storybook Installment direct from theHeadlines!!
all for his own sake!!
It really has nothing to do with you theReaders!!
d:oP
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This one is hot off thePress from the HeyYou!! PersonalsIntroduction Site which so far has only 1 member, uh.. Me!!
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Can This Sam!! Be Saved?
How to Know When It's Time for theBoi!! to go.
Michellin GoodYear!!, author of PayScale’s down dot com, and prolific
disposer of VPSO’s when they're high speed chasing bootleggers and the Tires just go Kaput!! on theVehicles.
-Print: first install more paper dummy!!
-Email: but first get all your contacts to “Unblock” you!!
-IM: who are you kidding?!
-Bookmark: erhh. Sam, we don’t mean for you to stick another tacky ribbon or gold chain up to theScreen, that’s not what “Bookmark” means,
-delicious: Which pretty much describes all cute females and basically any foods!!
-Digg: and bury!!
We've all been there.
Sunday night rolls around and suddenly us VillageCouncil!! members are covered with hives.
And just last month it was “beeStings!!” after theVPSO!! donated to some “NonProfit” org and had them send us 30boxes of killer bees!!, 6 beeKeeper suits, 2 pairs of gloves and a butterFly net.
Anyway, besides just rolling in theHoney and theCash!! from selling up and down theRiver to other Villages,
Some Honey additives for homemade Hooch and alternate “Prop” drinks to carry when Importing,
We found ourselves frantically searching WebMD for some exotic new disease to call in sick with the next morning,
we were left with no other choice as our 3, count them... three!! / 3 / tres!! Village Community Health Aides were totally wasted or high so we couldn’t get theClinic Keys from them to consult their tomes of CHAP reading material,
well.
Other than going down to theClinic and Looking into theWaiting room windows from theOutside!! and “Looking” at a few covers of magazines like
“moreBetter Homes & Gardens”, cosmopolitan!! (theDrink, not the vogue Magazine) and of course, everyone’s favorite rag, “Vague!!”
Which pretty much describes how Us villagers!! have to be when speaking around our VPSO’s or whenever we are caught Red-Handed / redNosed!! / and for the most part Red Girlfriended, wife & kids etc, covered in blood,
Then it’s time to forget specifics and just B-E-!! totally, toadally,, like, T-O-A-D-A-L-L-I-E-!-! Vague!! and even do theMadonna / JulieBrown!! hand movements and choreography,
But we digress.
anyway,
Such suffering because you want NOTHING to do with your VPSO come Mon, Tue, Wed, Thur, Fri, Sat & Sun morning doesn't necessarily mean you should dust off your resume and start looking for greener pastures.
After all, this IS theVillage!!, this place IS OUR’S to begin with, henceforth, Some workplace woes are fixable, fireable,
And along the way to “HIM / HER” being fired or at least Run OUT of theVillage!!, Some work place vehicles are “Flat Tirable”, some vehicles can end up having “mechanical problems” via Sugar in theGasTanks, KnockedOut Headlights!! to even Total Removal of WindShield and all 5 other Windows!!
Remember this, I authored theBooks that got tires to blow out during high speed rotations, I KNOW WHAT I’M talking about!!
The trick is knowing which ones, which workplace Woes are changeable -- and how to mend them.
And we say “How to Mend them”, cos there are some VPSO hearts in theVillage!! we really don’t want to break,
especially when they’re halfway even handsome and they make over $40K a year!!
If that “ends” up happening, then theOnly “Hearts” we want “broken”
is when theOfficer dates and Kneels a few VillageChixxx!! and their cushy backsides and hips just Look like upside down hearts!! that taper to their Slim-Slender Waists, and the”Broken” parts would be theAssCrack!!
But that’s just a given when you’re a VillageChick!! all wet & gooey from “spackle”.
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Here’s a few tell tale signs to determine if theSam!! is needing to move on or if theBoy’s!! money is worth saving!!
-The Magic is Gone
So you've been at your job a couple years, and as one kooky VPSO now blogs incessantly-he’s been there for 2.5 yrs!!, and now you're bored. Or frustrated. Or disgruntled. Sound familiar?
It's possible you've just fallen into the age-old workplace habit of griping for griping's sake, says Cynthia SlapMyHand-o!!, author of "Cooporate Confidential: 50 Secrets Your Village Safety Officer Doesn't Want You to Know -- And What to Do TO Them!!"
It is possible to fall into theVillageRut, after all, take it from one Grandma!! As she staggered and weaved from one end of theVillage!! to the other all summer during theMassive construction efforts of new sewer and water lines being put in, and finally Granma Weebles teetered, tottered and she All fell down!! into an 20’ trench!!
She poured out her Vodka an oz at a time and let her jacket sleeves “freeze” to the ground before inching UP & forward and pouring another oz of alcohol and letting that “freeze”,
technically, Alcohol doesn’t freeze unless Temps really dip down past double digits yes,
But during theDrinking!! party a few hours before, Some selfish Villager!! decided to “cut” grandma’s drinks and added water to her bottle of Vodka, thus, unknowingly saving her life AND keeping her stone sober too.
Instead of complaining, SlapMyHand-o!! advises, try to tap into what you originally appreciated about your VPSO and the nonProfit company that first hired them.
Like that one time..... when... meh..
Oh... and when,,. nahh!!,
Wait, wait. There was that.... and then sam, he ....
no...
nah!! sheesh. I got nothin’!!
If you come up empty, take a long, hard look at your VPSO’s job: To include!!, stalking, following, and even becoming an Journalism expert when documenting their activities throughout theVillage!!
Open up an YouTube account, get at least 3 photosite accounts and send all pics, all vids to them in hopes that your local Officer’s have slipped up and you have “evidence” that will make them get fired!!
Has your perspective changed for the worse since your VPSO started working in theVillage!! Has your VillageFamily!?
Have any of your Marriage-Aged Daughters or Granddaughters bodies changed, perhaps outgrowing their clothes due to an Officer caused Pregnancy!?
If the answer's yes to any of these, it's indeed time Break!!, like the wind.
Remember, if theMagic is gone from your VillageLife!! then that means theAlcohol is gone and then you’ll also want theSam!! to be gone.
Cos when your Inebriate Perspective changes to Stone-Cold Sober!!, and your relatives and kids all start liking theOfficer cos he’s nice to them and when one of your relatives Falls In Love with Him,
Then you can sit out on your house porch and strum your guitar singing like BBKing, “theThrill Is Gone Away!!.....
and moving on...
-"I Hate My Boss" Syndrome
Also known as, “I hate theSam!!” syndrome,
Sure, a lot of Officers are crumby Prisoner handlers, but even though theOfficers end up eating food destined for their Charges-getting crumbs and smears on their OuterBallisticVests & UniformShirts, and theUpset Prisoners get violent (again) many Inebriates are manageable.
"If your Officer doesn’t look like he's terribly dressed, it's probably just that you're terrible at Throwing Up," says Penelope’s Drunk!!,
author of "an Brazen PublicSafety Careerist Turned PastryChef!!: The New Rolls for Success."
Try and charge your Officer and head butt him if he Pepper / OC Sprays you, and cough and wheeze at him, and vomit ALL over him too, then he'll look like a slob-Like You!!
Mrs Drunk referred us to thePublicSafetyCareeristTurnedPastryChef!! and we contacted him in theCity!!
After he bullied us into buying him an 20oz Vanilla steamer and 2 pastries, he opened up a bit to us, but then we remembered that he was just shifting his Concealed weapons under his clothes by moving his arms and then he pulled his jacket lapels up snug and checked his cellPhone.
Then he shifted in his coffeeShop seat and looked around, then quickly pulled out an 4oz Shot bottle of vodka and added it to his Store bought Pepsi,
After wiping his mouth on his sleeve and then changing his heavyMetal CD to an Violin Greats CD, theDrunk!! had this to say.
“The solution, slurrs Sam!!’s Drunk, izz two telll your Occifer bosss wwat yoo nod too ssss... too su.... *hiccup*
To suck seed in yor Veellig job as an eeneebrate -- beat it mor and mor lead time on Fooot chayses and maaybee exxtendeededed eded deadlines on drinkin... “
“On dinking cuurfewws and or more Shtate Toop backup when theSaffetyPublicks Occiffers workload is piled sky high, like..
Up too hear!!” *theDrunkSam!! motions to chest height - while sitting down no less!!*
“Butttt wemember, id’s id es not allll aboott yoo. It'ss *hiccup!!* ed’s about sportin’ your Officerer er and themz jusst doing an Stteel baaton beattin’ bang-up job on yoo andd yor fiends so that theyses impresses there superiors.
Their soupers!! Keep your boss Offficers happyy, and youz hold the keeys too the kinggdom.
albeit, an 10x10 foot kengdom with a single Cott and irons baarrs for a dooor!!”
Our interview would have continued but an CitySquad vehicle pulled up on theCurb and theBarristaGirls!! scampered out of theShop and all pointed back at us, erhh.. at theDrunkSam!!
and minutes later, an gorgeous Hot female Officer fiend was leading away her buddySam!!
“times like these.....
I hate MY boss!!” theSam!! said Dryly as he motioned to his probations officer.
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More articles on UpMyPayScale dot coms:
* 7 Ways to Find a VillageChick!! You'll Love - to hate!!
* How to Get the Celery You Deserve - after you start drinking BloodyMarys!!
* Flex Time: Where to Find It and How to Get It - and now FlexiCuffs are sold by theCase!! And waving a pair at theGF makes her BallisticVest & Guns fall off.
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-"I Think My Village!! Hates Me" Syndrome
But what if you are doing a heckuva job, a bang-up job with your Baton and hand-Cuffs upon the starving prisoners,
only to be snubbed when your NonProfit bosses hands out the plumbing projects, theSkirt-Hiking pay raises, and Prestigious promotions?
Just do what one enterprising Officer in theCity!! did, by ToiletPapering thePiperCub!! of his boss at theAirport,
And when theBosses decide to “snub”!! As in SnubNose,
Just go one Up and get an semiAuto Pistol, That’s better than an stupid ‘snubNose” revolver anyday that shoots out an 2” barrel.
Get an Pistol with at least 4” of barrel and carry that around all safe, snug and secure,
You can do this for Years after wards, long after your employment ends and no one’s the Wiser!!
After all, Alaska is an OpenCarry state and Anyone with a clean record may own, carry & conceal!! It’s as easy as that,
And if theBosses or State gets to complaining, just point them to that Pesky little federal document back in WA D.C. called
“theConstitution!!”,
problems solved!!
Although this buying of and arming of self Won’t make theVillage!! lov you any more,
it’ll sure make everyone stop and think when they hear you tapping out 2 or 3 rounds at a time nonstop for over 100rds before they pickup on the lower decibal noise of another Pistol for another 100+rds, and then they hear sharper cracks of an 3rd fire arm for yet another 100+ rounds,
Then you start in for 10rds at a time on your shotgun!! And do this for 3 to 400 rds as well.
Do that for at least a year and NO ONE will bother you anymore in theSlightest, Guaranteed.
Your Village!! may hate you, but there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Maybe you're constantly getting the difficult “clients” dumped in your lap. After all, you DO call your “detainees and Prisoners” clients.
And when the really cute ones, the young mothers and other older single womens get completely bombed on whiskey and dump themselves onto you, hang onto you, hug and kiss you,
it does get annoying after awhile, but cheer up. There’s brighter days ahead when summer time comes,
Then your “Harem” will be busy at FishCamp, In Jail, confined to their houses on Probation and in general Just staying out of your hair - What little mohawk style haircut there IS LEFT OF IT.
Or perhaps you just received a poor performance review, seemingly out of the blue. And with that PPR!! comes an StateTroop Attached to it!!
And they review your Log books and your computer and look at your copies of ATN’s / arrest tracking numbers forms and so on.
When those Officers go away, it’s best to see them shaking their head in sadness or anger and busily talking on theRadio.
Cos if they’re smiling and happy and all giddy inside.
They got your ass in a sling and you’d better double check ALL of your MicroCassetteRecordings, HIDE them and copy, copy, copy to your computer and store them on the servers!!
And review your LogBooks and make sure that heSaid / sheSaid notes are all verbatim and chronological too.
If no matter how hard you shine thePolish on your SamBrown duty belt (the one you never wear anymore cos you‘re wearing your OuterShell BallisticVest and have no need to carry ANYTHING on a belt ever again),
If you're ignored or sidelined by even theSchool janitors and even theGood villagers!! that leave you alone, it's time to twist theBottle cap and smell thePeppermintSchnapps!! (and guzzle it too)
"That is not just job ennui," says SlapMyHand-o!!. "That is danger, danger Will & Robinson!! -- you're in the exit lane on a D-1 topped VillageRoad with only 2 lanes."
And while it may be tempting to sulk, your focus should be on looking for a new employer. Pronto.
Besides, it’s much better to let your sad VillageChixxx!! girlfriends sulk and pout because theGravyTrain!! is about to run out and there’s lean, hard times ahead for them,
At least until your Village!! hires another VPSO, then theGirls!! won’t be so sad anymore!!
ehh... This pouting time may be prime opportunity for You to start spackling and fixing those “broken cracks” on those tender villageChick!! hearts!!
d:oP
-The Titanic Is Sinking
aka “theVillageCouncil!! is sinking...”
aka “theVillageMorale!! is sinking...”
aka “while your busy fixing broken hearts before you leave, In post Coitus, grab your TroopLogBook and start sketching!!”
When the company's in trouble, your job is, too. Same thing goes for other things, like,
When thePrisoner!! is in trouble, you pretty much are too, until they’re gone to jail,
When thePrisoner!! is daddy or brother of an Hot VillageChick!! girlfriend, then Mister, You’re in trouble too!!
And in their all knowing and all wise decision making that HUD planners did over 60yrs ago when first deciding to build DeathTraps...
I mean...
Building affordable, Safe, Economic Housing out in theVillages!!
Some poor soul in employ of HUD saw that theFront living room just had to be big enough for an fold out sofa bed and or extra space on theFloor for two sleeping bags,
because when you’re in trouble from a VillageChick!! YOU’RE gonna sleep out in THAT front room Mister, and if the fold out sofa bed is taken by relatives from theCity!!, then you sleep in your sleeping bag ON theFloor!!
Which also explains why, in the Issuance of Supplies and equipment to their VPSO’s,
“Most”, but not all, NonProfits give their Officers huge, comfy “Wiggy’s sleeping bags,
After all, it can average minus 40 F / -40F degrees in theVillage!! in mid winter and if you got an VillageChick!!, Her Mother AND Grandma mad at you, It can get just as cold EVEN IN SUMMER!! trust theSam!! - he knows.
Just enjoy theShow of an Huge, fit, beautiful VillageChick!! stomping and yelling around in NOTHING but one of YOUR T-shirts and a pair of YOUR socks and her breasts shake and shimmy with every outburst,
Take your lumps and sleep whereEver, whenEver mister, such memories will keep you warm the rest of your life.
If you haven't been paid in three weeks or the CEO is starting to blog about how the company is willing to do anything to boost profitability (translation: layoffs ahead), make like the Lutz family in "The Amityville Horror" and get out now.
Ummm.
I left that last paragraph alone cos, I’ve always been paid, and very well thank you.
And I’ve been doing ALL the Blogging, not my boss, and who is theLutz family and what are they doing in MY blog story!?
I don’t get it.
-Your Health Is Failing
"If you tell someone you're in an abusive relationship with a guy and he's making you physically ill, they're like, 'Get out, get out,'" says Ms Drunk.
"But, if you tell them the job's making your Officer sick, they say, 'Wow!!, Allrighttt, let‘s buy booze and import into theVillage!! We‘ll see if we can make him sicker!!.'"
As Penelope Drunk implies, theSam!!’s freakishly loyal to jobs that beat him down. Either that, or he’s utterly complacent.
When asked his pov on things, theSam!!Drunk said: “You see theHotChicks!! at work!?, dudes, I’m “Udder”ly complacent AND pretty much Lactose tolerant, ....
And I love Cottage cheese in a stocking!!”
But it's a safe bet that there's no rule in your employee handbook saying you have to put up with work-related migraines, insomnia, and ulcers.
And it’s also a safe bet that no one has to put up with being around Hot young women, smelling dozens of sweet perfumes on the air and putting up with work related injuries like: falling down!! Just to see even More cottage cheese in a stocking!!”
If Sunday night dread is costing you a small fortune in doctor's visits and prescription drugs, it's high time you got out of Dodge.
As for SamDrunk!!’s sunday nights, he’s busy ironing his ChefWhites he recently bought, Starching his work slacks and practicing his falling techniques in his small apartment!!
-Quick Tips for Jumping Ship
aside from pulling the fire alarm handle and running out of theBar!!?
1. Look into a department transfer. Sometimes a change of scenery or job duties within a company is all you need to feel the love again.
Just ask theFoodPrep!!, as he now cuts lettuce heads, peels potatos, shucks oysters, simmers shrimp, makes Salads and desserts now that he got promoted out of theDishPits!! at one shop. He even falls down on a daily basis!!
Except now, that two Hot server girls and a BusserGirl are the newDishCrew!! “just to get away from HIM!!”
2. Before you quit, line up a new gig. When it comes to negotiating salary, employed people have more bargaining power, says SlapMyHand-o!!.
An former Public Safety Officer in search of his next paycheck is likelier to accept a lower wage, and Bar Hiring Managers know this.
“And exploit it shamelessly!!,
We now pay him in CheeseCake slices, 2 liters of pop a day And he gets all the left over steak and spinach he can dig out of the trash”
“But there’s just Ooonnneee teeennsy weeensy thing that Even He wouldn’t do, And that IS.
make a Souffle dish,
because it’s completely tasteless, is made without Sugar and cream, no hint of butter or fat and theDrunk!! will not Budge!!,
Not even when my own HOT wife was barely dressed and holding onto all theIngredients, cradling in her ample bosoms Calling his name!! and still he wouldn’t make a souffle!!”
3. If you think your job is on the line, start interviewing ASAP. You can't lose here.
If you think your standing in theVillage!! is on theLine, Start viewing, previewing and Reviewing all those Prisoner Arrest photos and movies OnLine, ASAP, You’ll never lose here.
Either you get a new gig, your Bobble-Head Boss wishes you well, and you part ways with your Village!!(proof your job was in jeopardy, says SlapMyHand-o!!).
Or you resign, and your boss offers you a raise and promotion so that you'll stick around.
Isn’t that right Sgt. Flyinghorse!!,
?!
VPSO Sgt Flying...hr.....
sgt.....?!
uh, corporal..?
Also on Hey Yoo! HotJobs:
-How to ask for more money - and get it!! Just like theHot VillageChixxx!!
-Encore careers appeal to boomers - while PublicSafety careers eject boozers!!
-Pushing past a career slump - Just blog and blog and Post, and drink till you don’t feel a thing!!, One exSafety asserts!!
-Find a new job near you - like, within 2 miles of you, close enough to stagger and weave home in complete safety!!
Search VillageJobs: villageCouncilCheeze!!, icwa sitOndaAsser!!, 4wheelerRider&Flipperoff Of cops!!,
Village gurl!, villageChick!!, villageChixxx!!,
Enter Keyword(s): arrest me I’ll sue!!, Help me I’ve fallen”-in love with your Money!!, theSam!!, just Sam!!, that damn sam!!,
damnit, lost another alcohol shipment again!!, his future name should be dummy or dummo, DMO or something like that....,
City & State or ZIP: Sit here, make your love statement and then unZip!! Unless her pants are Velcro fastened.
Post Your Resume Now:
theSam!!
former villageSafetyOfficer,
would now REALLY love to take your alcohol away (and drink it!!)
lovs kids, Loves really cute pups and kitties, lovs theYoung girlz,
will play horrible violin for all theVillagePrisoners!!
post
Having an updated and searchable resume is the best way for employers to find you. It also enables you to quickly apply to jobs online.
Sponsored Links
Romance Quiz - via every cute VillageGurl around!!
How Romantic Are You? Take our Fun Quiz and Find Out Today. - horrible violin players need not apply!!
www.Chatterbean.com/Romantic - intoxicated chatter boxes that only talk about hair, clothes, other girls and his ex public safety job need not signUp!!
Car Insurance Quotes Online - as if theSam!! even has a car!!
Compare auto insurance quotes from top companies online. - pppssshhhaawww!!
www.insurance.com
MBA Programs Online - Save Time - Embiber of Arts!?, Imbiber of Alcohol!? is that even a degree!?
Earn your MBA degree - where & when it's convenient for you. - 400 state prisoners sitting in AZ, CO, CA, and OR can’t be wrong!!
freestudentinfo.com - 3 procrastinating college applicants bothering an school teacher walking out the door theDay she & her family leaves theVillage!! can’t be wrong!!, just a little late and heck... they got into summer school anyway.
Career Training Online - just log into AlaskaVillageTales!! and find your career!! There’s Cosmetology!!, MassageTherapy!!, Navy ParachuteRigging or other special war programs, There’s Cat herding in theVillage!!, There’s brick wall demolition with your Noggin’, Literally hundreds of vocations to choose from and not one will feed you 10yrs later.
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Other Helpful Tools - no disrespect intended, but an Baton, an taser, an Glock, an Shotgun and even a pair of cuffs was Tools enough for me!!
Career Assessment - Put your head in thetoilet and flush!! if you have enough hair to make a swirly, then your career is going down the shitter, but if you’re bald, there’s hope for you. yet.
Career Change - every 6months to every 5yrs, Guaranteed!! Just ask Sam!!
Continuing Education - Like, finally learning coherency, paragraph spacing, proper use of punctuation and adverb & hominym usage and placement, Ya’ dig!?
Finding a Job - but without digging into every back alley dumpster doing it.
Franchising - rent a Sam!!?, bringing theVillage!! to you, wait.. they done tore down theVillageTheatre on 6th ave, and half theVillage!! done come to Anchorage now, you see them panhandling on 3rd & 4th and even in theHood!!
Management - yep, theMan!! is aging, and he needs breath “Mint”s, Other’s think he’s “Men”tal, *sigh*
Networking - silently making inroads and connections with theGuitar, Piano & Violin,
like a subtle beautiful intricate network of blueish, red and pink veins under skin and running along an arm, over a soft shoulder, and barely visible upon heavy breasts!! yep.
Relocation - from theVillage!! to theCity!!
Resume - as in resume working in uniform!?, ha... well. maybe.
Retirement - when I’m dead, life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, not sitting around
Salary - and lettuce, and blue cheese crumbles, and cut grapse, and carameled walnuts and carrots shards,
Work/Life Balance - a proper balance betwixt Breast and Hip ratio!!
Cos to hold onto One is Work AND is LIFE!! and to hold onto theOther for DearLife does take balance, and strength!!
And to hold onto Tummy!! in just the right way takes Finesse in order to KEEP your life.
Hey Yoo!! HotChicks!!
----------
Hey You...
I'm theSam!!
slflyinghorse
anchorage, ak
all for his own sake!!
It really has nothing to do with you theReaders!!
d:oP
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This one is hot off thePress from the HeyYou!! PersonalsIntroduction Site which so far has only 1 member, uh.. Me!!
--------
Can This Sam!! Be Saved?
How to Know When It's Time for theBoi!! to go.
Michellin GoodYear!!, author of PayScale’s down dot com, and prolific
disposer of VPSO’s when they're high speed chasing bootleggers and the Tires just go Kaput!! on theVehicles.
-Print: first install more paper dummy!!
-Email: but first get all your contacts to “Unblock” you!!
-IM: who are you kidding?!
-Bookmark: erhh. Sam, we don’t mean for you to stick another tacky ribbon or gold chain up to theScreen, that’s not what “Bookmark” means,
-delicious: Which pretty much describes all cute females and basically any foods!!
-Digg: and bury!!
We've all been there.
Sunday night rolls around and suddenly us VillageCouncil!! members are covered with hives.
And just last month it was “beeStings!!” after theVPSO!! donated to some “NonProfit” org and had them send us 30boxes of killer bees!!, 6 beeKeeper suits, 2 pairs of gloves and a butterFly net.
Anyway, besides just rolling in theHoney and theCash!! from selling up and down theRiver to other Villages,
Some Honey additives for homemade Hooch and alternate “Prop” drinks to carry when Importing,
We found ourselves frantically searching WebMD for some exotic new disease to call in sick with the next morning,
we were left with no other choice as our 3, count them... three!! / 3 / tres!! Village Community Health Aides were totally wasted or high so we couldn’t get theClinic Keys from them to consult their tomes of CHAP reading material,
well.
Other than going down to theClinic and Looking into theWaiting room windows from theOutside!! and “Looking” at a few covers of magazines like
“moreBetter Homes & Gardens”, cosmopolitan!! (theDrink, not the vogue Magazine) and of course, everyone’s favorite rag, “Vague!!”
Which pretty much describes how Us villagers!! have to be when speaking around our VPSO’s or whenever we are caught Red-Handed / redNosed!! / and for the most part Red Girlfriended, wife & kids etc, covered in blood,
Then it’s time to forget specifics and just B-E-!! totally, toadally,, like, T-O-A-D-A-L-L-I-E-!-! Vague!! and even do theMadonna / JulieBrown!! hand movements and choreography,
But we digress.
anyway,
Such suffering because you want NOTHING to do with your VPSO come Mon, Tue, Wed, Thur, Fri, Sat & Sun morning doesn't necessarily mean you should dust off your resume and start looking for greener pastures.
After all, this IS theVillage!!, this place IS OUR’S to begin with, henceforth, Some workplace woes are fixable, fireable,
And along the way to “HIM / HER” being fired or at least Run OUT of theVillage!!, Some work place vehicles are “Flat Tirable”, some vehicles can end up having “mechanical problems” via Sugar in theGasTanks, KnockedOut Headlights!! to even Total Removal of WindShield and all 5 other Windows!!
Remember this, I authored theBooks that got tires to blow out during high speed rotations, I KNOW WHAT I’M talking about!!
The trick is knowing which ones, which workplace Woes are changeable -- and how to mend them.
And we say “How to Mend them”, cos there are some VPSO hearts in theVillage!! we really don’t want to break,
especially when they’re halfway even handsome and they make over $40K a year!!
If that “ends” up happening, then theOnly “Hearts” we want “broken”
is when theOfficer dates and Kneels a few VillageChixxx!! and their cushy backsides and hips just Look like upside down hearts!! that taper to their Slim-Slender Waists, and the”Broken” parts would be theAssCrack!!
But that’s just a given when you’re a VillageChick!! all wet & gooey from “spackle”.
-----
Here’s a few tell tale signs to determine if theSam!! is needing to move on or if theBoy’s!! money is worth saving!!
-The Magic is Gone
So you've been at your job a couple years, and as one kooky VPSO now blogs incessantly-he’s been there for 2.5 yrs!!, and now you're bored. Or frustrated. Or disgruntled. Sound familiar?
It's possible you've just fallen into the age-old workplace habit of griping for griping's sake, says Cynthia SlapMyHand-o!!, author of "Cooporate Confidential: 50 Secrets Your Village Safety Officer Doesn't Want You to Know -- And What to Do TO Them!!"
It is possible to fall into theVillageRut, after all, take it from one Grandma!! As she staggered and weaved from one end of theVillage!! to the other all summer during theMassive construction efforts of new sewer and water lines being put in, and finally Granma Weebles teetered, tottered and she All fell down!! into an 20’ trench!!
She poured out her Vodka an oz at a time and let her jacket sleeves “freeze” to the ground before inching UP & forward and pouring another oz of alcohol and letting that “freeze”,
technically, Alcohol doesn’t freeze unless Temps really dip down past double digits yes,
But during theDrinking!! party a few hours before, Some selfish Villager!! decided to “cut” grandma’s drinks and added water to her bottle of Vodka, thus, unknowingly saving her life AND keeping her stone sober too.
Instead of complaining, SlapMyHand-o!! advises, try to tap into what you originally appreciated about your VPSO and the nonProfit company that first hired them.
Like that one time..... when... meh..
Oh... and when,,. nahh!!,
Wait, wait. There was that.... and then sam, he ....
no...
nah!! sheesh. I got nothin’!!
If you come up empty, take a long, hard look at your VPSO’s job: To include!!, stalking, following, and even becoming an Journalism expert when documenting their activities throughout theVillage!!
Open up an YouTube account, get at least 3 photosite accounts and send all pics, all vids to them in hopes that your local Officer’s have slipped up and you have “evidence” that will make them get fired!!
Has your perspective changed for the worse since your VPSO started working in theVillage!! Has your VillageFamily!?
Have any of your Marriage-Aged Daughters or Granddaughters bodies changed, perhaps outgrowing their clothes due to an Officer caused Pregnancy!?
If the answer's yes to any of these, it's indeed time Break!!, like the wind.
Remember, if theMagic is gone from your VillageLife!! then that means theAlcohol is gone and then you’ll also want theSam!! to be gone.
Cos when your Inebriate Perspective changes to Stone-Cold Sober!!, and your relatives and kids all start liking theOfficer cos he’s nice to them and when one of your relatives Falls In Love with Him,
Then you can sit out on your house porch and strum your guitar singing like BBKing, “theThrill Is Gone Away!!.....
and moving on...
-"I Hate My Boss" Syndrome
Also known as, “I hate theSam!!” syndrome,
Sure, a lot of Officers are crumby Prisoner handlers, but even though theOfficers end up eating food destined for their Charges-getting crumbs and smears on their OuterBallisticVests & UniformShirts, and theUpset Prisoners get violent (again) many Inebriates are manageable.
"If your Officer doesn’t look like he's terribly dressed, it's probably just that you're terrible at Throwing Up," says Penelope’s Drunk!!,
author of "an Brazen PublicSafety Careerist Turned PastryChef!!: The New Rolls for Success."
Try and charge your Officer and head butt him if he Pepper / OC Sprays you, and cough and wheeze at him, and vomit ALL over him too, then he'll look like a slob-Like You!!
Mrs Drunk referred us to thePublicSafetyCareeristTurnedPastryChef!! and we contacted him in theCity!!
After he bullied us into buying him an 20oz Vanilla steamer and 2 pastries, he opened up a bit to us, but then we remembered that he was just shifting his Concealed weapons under his clothes by moving his arms and then he pulled his jacket lapels up snug and checked his cellPhone.
Then he shifted in his coffeeShop seat and looked around, then quickly pulled out an 4oz Shot bottle of vodka and added it to his Store bought Pepsi,
After wiping his mouth on his sleeve and then changing his heavyMetal CD to an Violin Greats CD, theDrunk!! had this to say.
“The solution, slurrs Sam!!’s Drunk, izz two telll your Occifer bosss wwat yoo nod too ssss... too su.... *hiccup*
To suck seed in yor Veellig job as an eeneebrate -- beat it mor and mor lead time on Fooot chayses and maaybee exxtendeededed eded deadlines on drinkin... “
“On dinking cuurfewws and or more Shtate Toop backup when theSaffetyPublicks Occiffers workload is piled sky high, like..
Up too hear!!” *theDrunkSam!! motions to chest height - while sitting down no less!!*
“Butttt wemember, id’s id es not allll aboott yoo. It'ss *hiccup!!* ed’s about sportin’ your Officerer er and themz jusst doing an Stteel baaton beattin’ bang-up job on yoo andd yor fiends so that theyses impresses there superiors.
Their soupers!! Keep your boss Offficers happyy, and youz hold the keeys too the kinggdom.
albeit, an 10x10 foot kengdom with a single Cott and irons baarrs for a dooor!!”
Our interview would have continued but an CitySquad vehicle pulled up on theCurb and theBarristaGirls!! scampered out of theShop and all pointed back at us, erhh.. at theDrunkSam!!
and minutes later, an gorgeous Hot female Officer fiend was leading away her buddySam!!
“times like these.....
I hate MY boss!!” theSam!! said Dryly as he motioned to his probations officer.
======================================
More articles on UpMyPayScale dot coms:
* 7 Ways to Find a VillageChick!! You'll Love - to hate!!
* How to Get the Celery You Deserve - after you start drinking BloodyMarys!!
* Flex Time: Where to Find It and How to Get It - and now FlexiCuffs are sold by theCase!! And waving a pair at theGF makes her BallisticVest & Guns fall off.
======================================
-"I Think My Village!! Hates Me" Syndrome
But what if you are doing a heckuva job, a bang-up job with your Baton and hand-Cuffs upon the starving prisoners,
only to be snubbed when your NonProfit bosses hands out the plumbing projects, theSkirt-Hiking pay raises, and Prestigious promotions?
Just do what one enterprising Officer in theCity!! did, by ToiletPapering thePiperCub!! of his boss at theAirport,
And when theBosses decide to “snub”!! As in SnubNose,
Just go one Up and get an semiAuto Pistol, That’s better than an stupid ‘snubNose” revolver anyday that shoots out an 2” barrel.
Get an Pistol with at least 4” of barrel and carry that around all safe, snug and secure,
You can do this for Years after wards, long after your employment ends and no one’s the Wiser!!
After all, Alaska is an OpenCarry state and Anyone with a clean record may own, carry & conceal!! It’s as easy as that,
And if theBosses or State gets to complaining, just point them to that Pesky little federal document back in WA D.C. called
“theConstitution!!”,
problems solved!!
Although this buying of and arming of self Won’t make theVillage!! lov you any more,
it’ll sure make everyone stop and think when they hear you tapping out 2 or 3 rounds at a time nonstop for over 100rds before they pickup on the lower decibal noise of another Pistol for another 100+rds, and then they hear sharper cracks of an 3rd fire arm for yet another 100+ rounds,
Then you start in for 10rds at a time on your shotgun!! And do this for 3 to 400 rds as well.
Do that for at least a year and NO ONE will bother you anymore in theSlightest, Guaranteed.
Your Village!! may hate you, but there’s not a damn thing anyone can do about it.
Maybe you're constantly getting the difficult “clients” dumped in your lap. After all, you DO call your “detainees and Prisoners” clients.
And when the really cute ones, the young mothers and other older single womens get completely bombed on whiskey and dump themselves onto you, hang onto you, hug and kiss you,
it does get annoying after awhile, but cheer up. There’s brighter days ahead when summer time comes,
Then your “Harem” will be busy at FishCamp, In Jail, confined to their houses on Probation and in general Just staying out of your hair - What little mohawk style haircut there IS LEFT OF IT.
Or perhaps you just received a poor performance review, seemingly out of the blue. And with that PPR!! comes an StateTroop Attached to it!!
And they review your Log books and your computer and look at your copies of ATN’s / arrest tracking numbers forms and so on.
When those Officers go away, it’s best to see them shaking their head in sadness or anger and busily talking on theRadio.
Cos if they’re smiling and happy and all giddy inside.
They got your ass in a sling and you’d better double check ALL of your MicroCassetteRecordings, HIDE them and copy, copy, copy to your computer and store them on the servers!!
And review your LogBooks and make sure that heSaid / sheSaid notes are all verbatim and chronological too.
If no matter how hard you shine thePolish on your SamBrown duty belt (the one you never wear anymore cos you‘re wearing your OuterShell BallisticVest and have no need to carry ANYTHING on a belt ever again),
If you're ignored or sidelined by even theSchool janitors and even theGood villagers!! that leave you alone, it's time to twist theBottle cap and smell thePeppermintSchnapps!! (and guzzle it too)
"That is not just job ennui," says SlapMyHand-o!!. "That is danger, danger Will & Robinson!! -- you're in the exit lane on a D-1 topped VillageRoad with only 2 lanes."
And while it may be tempting to sulk, your focus should be on looking for a new employer. Pronto.
Besides, it’s much better to let your sad VillageChixxx!! girlfriends sulk and pout because theGravyTrain!! is about to run out and there’s lean, hard times ahead for them,
At least until your Village!! hires another VPSO, then theGirls!! won’t be so sad anymore!!
ehh... This pouting time may be prime opportunity for You to start spackling and fixing those “broken cracks” on those tender villageChick!! hearts!!
d:oP
-The Titanic Is Sinking
aka “theVillageCouncil!! is sinking...”
aka “theVillageMorale!! is sinking...”
aka “while your busy fixing broken hearts before you leave, In post Coitus, grab your TroopLogBook and start sketching!!”
When the company's in trouble, your job is, too. Same thing goes for other things, like,
When thePrisoner!! is in trouble, you pretty much are too, until they’re gone to jail,
When thePrisoner!! is daddy or brother of an Hot VillageChick!! girlfriend, then Mister, You’re in trouble too!!
And in their all knowing and all wise decision making that HUD planners did over 60yrs ago when first deciding to build DeathTraps...
I mean...
Building affordable, Safe, Economic Housing out in theVillages!!
Some poor soul in employ of HUD saw that theFront living room just had to be big enough for an fold out sofa bed and or extra space on theFloor for two sleeping bags,
because when you’re in trouble from a VillageChick!! YOU’RE gonna sleep out in THAT front room Mister, and if the fold out sofa bed is taken by relatives from theCity!!, then you sleep in your sleeping bag ON theFloor!!
Which also explains why, in the Issuance of Supplies and equipment to their VPSO’s,
“Most”, but not all, NonProfits give their Officers huge, comfy “Wiggy’s sleeping bags,
After all, it can average minus 40 F / -40F degrees in theVillage!! in mid winter and if you got an VillageChick!!, Her Mother AND Grandma mad at you, It can get just as cold EVEN IN SUMMER!! trust theSam!! - he knows.
Just enjoy theShow of an Huge, fit, beautiful VillageChick!! stomping and yelling around in NOTHING but one of YOUR T-shirts and a pair of YOUR socks and her breasts shake and shimmy with every outburst,
Take your lumps and sleep whereEver, whenEver mister, such memories will keep you warm the rest of your life.
If you haven't been paid in three weeks or the CEO is starting to blog about how the company is willing to do anything to boost profitability (translation: layoffs ahead), make like the Lutz family in "The Amityville Horror" and get out now.
Ummm.
I left that last paragraph alone cos, I’ve always been paid, and very well thank you.
And I’ve been doing ALL the Blogging, not my boss, and who is theLutz family and what are they doing in MY blog story!?
I don’t get it.
-Your Health Is Failing
"If you tell someone you're in an abusive relationship with a guy and he's making you physically ill, they're like, 'Get out, get out,'" says Ms Drunk.
"But, if you tell them the job's making your Officer sick, they say, 'Wow!!, Allrighttt, let‘s buy booze and import into theVillage!! We‘ll see if we can make him sicker!!.'"
As Penelope Drunk implies, theSam!!’s freakishly loyal to jobs that beat him down. Either that, or he’s utterly complacent.
When asked his pov on things, theSam!!Drunk said: “You see theHotChicks!! at work!?, dudes, I’m “Udder”ly complacent AND pretty much Lactose tolerant, ....
And I love Cottage cheese in a stocking!!”
But it's a safe bet that there's no rule in your employee handbook saying you have to put up with work-related migraines, insomnia, and ulcers.
And it’s also a safe bet that no one has to put up with being around Hot young women, smelling dozens of sweet perfumes on the air and putting up with work related injuries like: falling down!! Just to see even More cottage cheese in a stocking!!”
If Sunday night dread is costing you a small fortune in doctor's visits and prescription drugs, it's high time you got out of Dodge.
As for SamDrunk!!’s sunday nights, he’s busy ironing his ChefWhites he recently bought, Starching his work slacks and practicing his falling techniques in his small apartment!!
-Quick Tips for Jumping Ship
aside from pulling the fire alarm handle and running out of theBar!!?
1. Look into a department transfer. Sometimes a change of scenery or job duties within a company is all you need to feel the love again.
Just ask theFoodPrep!!, as he now cuts lettuce heads, peels potatos, shucks oysters, simmers shrimp, makes Salads and desserts now that he got promoted out of theDishPits!! at one shop. He even falls down on a daily basis!!
Except now, that two Hot server girls and a BusserGirl are the newDishCrew!! “just to get away from HIM!!”
2. Before you quit, line up a new gig. When it comes to negotiating salary, employed people have more bargaining power, says SlapMyHand-o!!.
An former Public Safety Officer in search of his next paycheck is likelier to accept a lower wage, and Bar Hiring Managers know this.
“And exploit it shamelessly!!,
We now pay him in CheeseCake slices, 2 liters of pop a day And he gets all the left over steak and spinach he can dig out of the trash”
“But there’s just Ooonnneee teeennsy weeensy thing that Even He wouldn’t do, And that IS.
make a Souffle dish,
because it’s completely tasteless, is made without Sugar and cream, no hint of butter or fat and theDrunk!! will not Budge!!,
Not even when my own HOT wife was barely dressed and holding onto all theIngredients, cradling in her ample bosoms Calling his name!! and still he wouldn’t make a souffle!!”
3. If you think your job is on the line, start interviewing ASAP. You can't lose here.
If you think your standing in theVillage!! is on theLine, Start viewing, previewing and Reviewing all those Prisoner Arrest photos and movies OnLine, ASAP, You’ll never lose here.
Either you get a new gig, your Bobble-Head Boss wishes you well, and you part ways with your Village!!(proof your job was in jeopardy, says SlapMyHand-o!!).
Or you resign, and your boss offers you a raise and promotion so that you'll stick around.
Isn’t that right Sgt. Flyinghorse!!,
?!
VPSO Sgt Flying...hr.....
sgt.....?!
uh, corporal..?
Also on Hey Yoo! HotJobs:
-How to ask for more money - and get it!! Just like theHot VillageChixxx!!
-Encore careers appeal to boomers - while PublicSafety careers eject boozers!!
-Pushing past a career slump - Just blog and blog and Post, and drink till you don’t feel a thing!!, One exSafety asserts!!
-Find a new job near you - like, within 2 miles of you, close enough to stagger and weave home in complete safety!!
Search VillageJobs: villageCouncilCheeze!!, icwa sitOndaAsser!!, 4wheelerRider&Flipperoff Of cops!!,
Village gurl!, villageChick!!, villageChixxx!!,
Enter Keyword(s): arrest me I’ll sue!!, Help me I’ve fallen”-in love with your Money!!, theSam!!, just Sam!!, that damn sam!!,
damnit, lost another alcohol shipment again!!, his future name should be dummy or dummo, DMO or something like that....,
City & State or ZIP: Sit here, make your love statement and then unZip!! Unless her pants are Velcro fastened.
Post Your Resume Now:
theSam!!
former villageSafetyOfficer,
would now REALLY love to take your alcohol away (and drink it!!)
lovs kids, Loves really cute pups and kitties, lovs theYoung girlz,
will play horrible violin for all theVillagePrisoners!!
post
Having an updated and searchable resume is the best way for employers to find you. It also enables you to quickly apply to jobs online.
Sponsored Links
Romance Quiz - via every cute VillageGurl around!!
How Romantic Are You? Take our Fun Quiz and Find Out Today. - horrible violin players need not apply!!
www.Chatterbean.com/Romantic - intoxicated chatter boxes that only talk about hair, clothes, other girls and his ex public safety job need not signUp!!
Car Insurance Quotes Online - as if theSam!! even has a car!!
Compare auto insurance quotes from top companies online. - pppssshhhaawww!!
www.insurance.com
MBA Programs Online - Save Time - Embiber of Arts!?, Imbiber of Alcohol!? is that even a degree!?
Earn your MBA degree - where & when it's convenient for you. - 400 state prisoners sitting in AZ, CO, CA, and OR can’t be wrong!!
freestudentinfo.com - 3 procrastinating college applicants bothering an school teacher walking out the door theDay she & her family leaves theVillage!! can’t be wrong!!, just a little late and heck... they got into summer school anyway.
Career Training Online - just log into AlaskaVillageTales!! and find your career!! There’s Cosmetology!!, MassageTherapy!!, Navy ParachuteRigging or other special war programs, There’s Cat herding in theVillage!!, There’s brick wall demolition with your Noggin’, Literally hundreds of vocations to choose from and not one will feed you 10yrs later.
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Other Helpful Tools - no disrespect intended, but an Baton, an taser, an Glock, an Shotgun and even a pair of cuffs was Tools enough for me!!
Career Assessment - Put your head in thetoilet and flush!! if you have enough hair to make a swirly, then your career is going down the shitter, but if you’re bald, there’s hope for you. yet.
Career Change - every 6months to every 5yrs, Guaranteed!! Just ask Sam!!
Continuing Education - Like, finally learning coherency, paragraph spacing, proper use of punctuation and adverb & hominym usage and placement, Ya’ dig!?
Finding a Job - but without digging into every back alley dumpster doing it.
Franchising - rent a Sam!!?, bringing theVillage!! to you, wait.. they done tore down theVillageTheatre on 6th ave, and half theVillage!! done come to Anchorage now, you see them panhandling on 3rd & 4th and even in theHood!!
Management - yep, theMan!! is aging, and he needs breath “Mint”s, Other’s think he’s “Men”tal, *sigh*
Networking - silently making inroads and connections with theGuitar, Piano & Violin,
like a subtle beautiful intricate network of blueish, red and pink veins under skin and running along an arm, over a soft shoulder, and barely visible upon heavy breasts!! yep.
Relocation - from theVillage!! to theCity!!
Resume - as in resume working in uniform!?, ha... well. maybe.
Retirement - when I’m dead, life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, not sitting around
Salary - and lettuce, and blue cheese crumbles, and cut grapse, and carameled walnuts and carrots shards,
Work/Life Balance - a proper balance betwixt Breast and Hip ratio!!
Cos to hold onto One is Work AND is LIFE!! and to hold onto theOther for DearLife does take balance, and strength!!
And to hold onto Tummy!! in just the right way takes Finesse in order to KEEP your life.
Hey Yoo!! HotChicks!!
----------
Hey You...
I'm theSam!!
slflyinghorse
anchorage, ak
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