Seattle WA 1997
Some Silliness from 8 Years Ago
Hello everyone, thought i'd share a few highlights from my salon newsletter.
First i'd like to quiet the rumors of the recent Elvis sighting-It was me! I curl my hair up and to the side now-and sometimes then.
Since a lot of women are opting for shorter hairstyles (sigh) I must pick up the cross and carry on the cause by growing MINE out.(wrings hands-rolls the I's to heaven) "oh the standards i must bear!"
After monopolizing the time on a certain computer every night for months. My new salon services menu is ready for distribution.
I'd like for you all to give a warm welcome to the new addition on the menu: "Threes Company". (The maternity massage package)
This combination facial, hair, body-care and massage services includes a take home pack of beauty maintainance products for the expectant mother and baby-to-be. (Just the two of us)
I salute the Navy SEAL's as inspiration for this months theme facial: "Women/Men with green faces" (and cucumber eyes) For those wishing to recieve clandestine (hush-hush) facial service. I'll use black Moor mud and olives with red pimento centers to give a night-vision look-for the eyes.
Also on the list is the "Desert Storm" facial. Genuine sand exfoliant, sand-eye treatment packs with real camel spit, sand hair treatment, and a complimentary gift bag of ,,,what else? SAND! to use at home.
This is Guaranteed to be the Mother of ALL Facials! "Now drop and give me 20 with each arm!" Though i prefer crisp 50's and 100's.
What newsletter would be complete w/o a few "been there-done that" stories? So i'm working on the epic thriller "the Client that wouldn't leave!" (no-go away)
Here's an excerpt: "....wait-you missed a spot. Rub me there, oh yes!" "Do these bangs look too long to you? maybe you could trim some more off-You know-So they have more OOOmph when i style them out?...."
And may I also include some choice opinions of various clients I've had throughout massage school when I was a student.
One young lady client says "his approach was maximal-and my exposure phenominal! uh, or was it the other way around? Well, lets just say that my draping was..(sounds of fumbling with the recorder and the mike turning off)
The cat that always visited the school -"RRRwwwrr.. 'hhhhiiiisssss'
....'scratch, cuff-cuff, bite" I'm fine, just need new pant legs and socks. The mail man was surprisingly helpful in his feed back, considering their propensity towards sudden violence. "..soon I was delivering his mail here, coz he'd been held back till he passed his 'natomy course."
And this satisfied client had this to say about my work-"ZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzz snort-ZZZZ" Well, there you have it, a happy smile and she's drooling!
I'm happy to announce that this Oct month my salon will host a celebrity stylist "cut-a-thon". Edward Scissor hands will be special guest along with that wild stylin' man-Freddy of that infamous Elm Street Salon.
Also guest makeup artists "Elvira" and "Wicked Witch of the West" will be on hand to face paint the kids. This months Massage and related body works guest therapist booking hasn't been confirmed yet, but Ingrid the Swedish beauty and the Marquis De Sade are scheduled to take a break from their "Pleasure and Pain" tour.
Join me next month-Nov in celebration of Native American Culture. Two authentic native guest artists will make an unannounced hit and run visit to my salon in keeping with their warrior culture.
See the Braided One himself "ScalpWarrior" as he conducts his inhouse workshop that will solve ALL of your hair problems-guaranteed! (Or your horses, blankets, and rifles back)
While the purple eye lidded guru "Looks at Himself a Lot" will expand your creative horizons with his innovative makeup techniques appropriate for any dance, or raiding/war party night out with the boys. (this workshop is worth 3 CEU credits and the beaver pelt certificate is yours to keep!)
Happy Oct 97 to you and remember the sign next to my Massage room door "Abandon all clothes-ye who enter here"
Top 10 Things your clients can do while waiting for their nails to dry.
10. Contemplate the meaning of life.
09. Read 'War And Peace'.
08. Play 'Hang-Man' using only blood-red polish.
07. Watch wedding videos of all the nail techs in the salon.
06. Learn a foreign language.
05. Practice the first four motions of the Macarena repeatedly.
04. Find their keys without smudging a nail.
03. Join a Conga Line with other available clients.
02. Germinate a Chia Pet and watch it grow.
01. Blow on their own nails until they pass out.
Have a Humorous Holiday!--While walking through his village the Indian chief says to his visitor from another tribe,"We didn't know what to think of that crazy man in the red clothes, but we had enough venison to last the entire winter!" (behind them are 9 tanned hides hanging up).
Call Me
I left a message on my answering machine once that went like this.
"Why are you calling? Perhaps your hair is past your eyes, and 'darn-it!' you can't see!
If your hair isn't Becoming to you, then you should Be coming to Me!
Too stressed out, your muscles ache, the pain is not enjoyable?
Then call me, and for $85 an hour, I'll bring my massage table.
I didn't see you driving by while walking down the street?,
then invite me over soon-we'll visit, play and eat. (and by the way-stay off the side walk)
What?! I have to talk in church??, now-now don't get so excited, (cough-cough)
Oh my goodness, I think I feel a case of mild laryngitis.
Did you call to say "hello?", well-"hello" back to you, You can talk to my
answering machine, it has nothing else to do.
Is it 'Mommy Dearest' or my sister and the nephews?,
my eternal family-you know how much I love you.
(SSIIGGHH) or could it be by girlfriend sweet, my potential future wife.
"Honey, we can discuss this.. she-She was just a client, please put down the knife!!"
For what ever reason you called that I haven't mentioned before.
Then leave a message after the musical beeps-you've reached ***-***4!!
("honey, she, it was just a massage! wait No put down the...*screams*)
Hello everyone, thought i'd share a few highlights from my salon newsletter.
First i'd like to quiet the rumors of the recent Elvis sighting-It was me! I curl my hair up and to the side now-and sometimes then.
Since a lot of women are opting for shorter hairstyles (sigh) I must pick up the cross and carry on the cause by growing MINE out.(wrings hands-rolls the I's to heaven) "oh the standards i must bear!"
After monopolizing the time on a certain computer every night for months. My new salon services menu is ready for distribution.
I'd like for you all to give a warm welcome to the new addition on the menu: "Threes Company". (The maternity massage package)
This combination facial, hair, body-care and massage services includes a take home pack of beauty maintainance products for the expectant mother and baby-to-be. (Just the two of us)
I salute the Navy SEAL's as inspiration for this months theme facial: "Women/Men with green faces" (and cucumber eyes) For those wishing to recieve clandestine (hush-hush) facial service. I'll use black Moor mud and olives with red pimento centers to give a night-vision look-for the eyes.
Also on the list is the "Desert Storm" facial. Genuine sand exfoliant, sand-eye treatment packs with real camel spit, sand hair treatment, and a complimentary gift bag of ,,,what else? SAND! to use at home.
This is Guaranteed to be the Mother of ALL Facials! "Now drop and give me 20 with each arm!" Though i prefer crisp 50's and 100's.
What newsletter would be complete w/o a few "been there-done that" stories? So i'm working on the epic thriller "the Client that wouldn't leave!" (no-go away)
Here's an excerpt: "....wait-you missed a spot. Rub me there, oh yes!" "Do these bangs look too long to you? maybe you could trim some more off-You know-So they have more OOOmph when i style them out?...."
And may I also include some choice opinions of various clients I've had throughout massage school when I was a student.
One young lady client says "his approach was maximal-and my exposure phenominal! uh, or was it the other way around? Well, lets just say that my draping was..(sounds of fumbling with the recorder and the mike turning off)
The cat that always visited the school -"RRRwwwrr.. 'hhhhiiiisssss'
....'scratch, cuff-cuff, bite" I'm fine, just need new pant legs and socks. The mail man was surprisingly helpful in his feed back, considering their propensity towards sudden violence. "..soon I was delivering his mail here, coz he'd been held back till he passed his 'natomy course."
And this satisfied client had this to say about my work-"ZZZZzzzzZZZZZzzzz snort-ZZZZ" Well, there you have it, a happy smile and she's drooling!
I'm happy to announce that this Oct month my salon will host a celebrity stylist "cut-a-thon". Edward Scissor hands will be special guest along with that wild stylin' man-Freddy of that infamous Elm Street Salon.
Also guest makeup artists "Elvira" and "Wicked Witch of the West" will be on hand to face paint the kids. This months Massage and related body works guest therapist booking hasn't been confirmed yet, but Ingrid the Swedish beauty and the Marquis De Sade are scheduled to take a break from their "Pleasure and Pain" tour.
Join me next month-Nov in celebration of Native American Culture. Two authentic native guest artists will make an unannounced hit and run visit to my salon in keeping with their warrior culture.
See the Braided One himself "ScalpWarrior" as he conducts his inhouse workshop that will solve ALL of your hair problems-guaranteed! (Or your horses, blankets, and rifles back)
While the purple eye lidded guru "Looks at Himself a Lot" will expand your creative horizons with his innovative makeup techniques appropriate for any dance, or raiding/war party night out with the boys. (this workshop is worth 3 CEU credits and the beaver pelt certificate is yours to keep!)
Happy Oct 97 to you and remember the sign next to my Massage room door "Abandon all clothes-ye who enter here"
Top 10 Things your clients can do while waiting for their nails to dry.
10. Contemplate the meaning of life.
09. Read 'War And Peace'.
08. Play 'Hang-Man' using only blood-red polish.
07. Watch wedding videos of all the nail techs in the salon.
06. Learn a foreign language.
05. Practice the first four motions of the Macarena repeatedly.
04. Find their keys without smudging a nail.
03. Join a Conga Line with other available clients.
02. Germinate a Chia Pet and watch it grow.
01. Blow on their own nails until they pass out.
Have a Humorous Holiday!--While walking through his village the Indian chief says to his visitor from another tribe,"We didn't know what to think of that crazy man in the red clothes, but we had enough venison to last the entire winter!" (behind them are 9 tanned hides hanging up).
Call Me
I left a message on my answering machine once that went like this.
"Why are you calling? Perhaps your hair is past your eyes, and 'darn-it!' you can't see!
If your hair isn't Becoming to you, then you should Be coming to Me!
Too stressed out, your muscles ache, the pain is not enjoyable?
Then call me, and for $85 an hour, I'll bring my massage table.
I didn't see you driving by while walking down the street?,
then invite me over soon-we'll visit, play and eat. (and by the way-stay off the side walk)
What?! I have to talk in church??, now-now don't get so excited, (cough-cough)
Oh my goodness, I think I feel a case of mild laryngitis.
Did you call to say "hello?", well-"hello" back to you, You can talk to my
answering machine, it has nothing else to do.
Is it 'Mommy Dearest' or my sister and the nephews?,
my eternal family-you know how much I love you.
(SSIIGGHH) or could it be by girlfriend sweet, my potential future wife.
"Honey, we can discuss this.. she-She was just a client, please put down the knife!!"
For what ever reason you called that I haven't mentioned before.
Then leave a message after the musical beeps-you've reached ***-***4!!
("honey, she, it was just a massage! wait No put down the...*screams*)
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