SomeOne Please TELL Sam!!
How To Tell Sam!!
d:oP
How to Tell...
that your current Date is an strugglingMusician!!
-...Her first words to you evah!!, were in lilted cadence as she banged her
guitar breaking theNeck and 4 high strings, then she knelt down in arpeggioSolo and set her Strings on fire....
herTampon strings!!
-...No matter where you two go in public, whether to ride theBus, or drive in her car, or to walk her dog or to watch a movie,
She’s got 4 MegaPlex spotlights trained upon theTwoOfYou, and everyone around can hear your every breath, savor every foodBite and feel your embrace because of theNadyMic between you and her
-...your public jaunts, whether to rode theBus, or drive in her car, or to walk her dog or to watch a movie, etc
is always preceded 2 weeks in advance because she has signs, flyers and posters tacked up to every wall, lightpole, fencePost and outhouse,
btw, she also makes YOU put up much of her signs!!
-...besides, your dates always average 1000+ ratings in 2 days, is Shared by all, are YouTubeFaves,
is always on everyone’s Playlists and is flagged by everyone!! Including your DATE!!
-...Your supply of WhiteningToothPaste from Dental, for your New front Teeth was used by her to “brightenUp” the keys on her Korg 81000 YYZee workStation,
and her dog’s teeth also needed freshening up for theBand’s new GroupPhoto at WalMart,
-...She holds her NotePads, pens, pencils more than she holds you!! btw,
she also goes around softly whispering to herself (while glaring at YOU)
“castard... bastard... stunted.... dipshit....
What rhymes with these!?”
-...her New Suburban purchase was meant to allow room for carrying things in her life that mattered,
like her Dog, her 3 Keyboards w/ tubular standPoints, her 500’ of assorted Line,
her 4 Guitars, theAcoustic 12String, her TechnoBlue and Red & White StarBrites Overhead lightingRig,
her brother theSoundMan & Videographer, her Sister theBouncer/Security!! and her 10 changes of Clothes for her Gigs-and this is JUST for evening appearances let alone an overNight trip or weekend stay out of town!!
-...just gettingUP in the morning for her, or even flailing an Arm inSleep and sighing-is a DressRehearsal!!
-...“SadEyes, Turn theOtherWay!!” is her show’s finale, in Yiddish and with accompanying metalSolo with herBraces!!,
btw, she’s very good!!
-...she’s only interested in YOU because of your background in Cosmetology and MakeUp artistry,
and she only needs you when theCrowd MovesAside for her bodySurfing GuitarSolo!!-so you can massage her Neck,
-...even though your friends keep telling you, and yet you kind of see theTruth, yourMusicianGirl!! is really just using YOU for Foodstamps, uhm.....
YOUR foodStamps,
but you refuse to really see these things because yourGirl!! lets YOU sneak in Booze to her shows, she lets YOU hold her cigarettes-between YOUR forearms, YOUR thighs and YOUR manBoobs!!
and now and then she lets you see and Hold her huge Bulbous BigBottom-ed WideBodyJumbo acousticFender!!
-...She uses YOU for decoy at Mammoths, You’ll walk in with your acoustic and an Salesboy will talk with you for 20minutes or so while she rummages through theFakeBook bins, lifts a drumset or two and steals a newer Keyboard,
hey, after all, Everyone watches YOU, cos YOU’RE theMinority!!
-...You stopped talking to her in full sentences after the First week of seeing her, because after every few words,
She’d repeat herself, throw in a catchy HOOK phrase, pause for SOLO and then wrap up theSong soundbyte in less than 4 minutes!!
-...You caught her Browsing your AlaskaVillageTales wordProcessor cacheNotes for “Inspiration” and she said that was for theDeathMetal albums she was working on next,
-...Her blackLab REALLY did speak to YOU the other day,
“Please Release him, let HIM Gooooo” then he attempted to hang himself by his collar and chain,
----
SomeOne Please TELL Sam!!
How To Tell Sam!!
d:oD
How To Tell...
that you've gone from One Cult to Another!!
-oneCult was founded in 1827 when a young farm boy was Masterbating in theWoods in NewYork, and whos current corporateHQ's is in SaltLake,
theOther one was founded in 1971 and is located in Seattle!!
d:oP
-When you first went on yourChurch / Cult mission in 1986 to Vancouver BritishColumbia Canada, for theFormer church cult, theLatter Coffee cult by then, in 1987 had 17 coffeehouses and had followed YOU into Canada!!
-In 1999, Now pay attention to theNumbersHere!!, when you broke free of Seattle and ended up in Alaska, the"TAZO" brand of tea was acquired by theCurrent org you're apart of,
now, just 2 yrs later in 2001, during carefully monitored VPSO training by AlaskaStateTroopers, in use of the"TAZER", your "ONE" / 1 (now turn the 999 numbers upside down to "666" Inspired Trooper training Sgt, whom was theDevil to You, SHOT you with his "TAZE"r and like the first church cult's effects upon you,
you haven't been theSame!! since, in fact, you're even more quirky!!
And after what theVillage!! did to you after 2.8yrs,
theCaffiene and booze you get NOW in safety in theCity!! sure doesn't help things either!!
But at least theChurch, or theCult!! is totally out of your life!!
So, drink to that!!
Hmmm... this was a LONG way to say that, you went from Taser to TAZO and it only took 8 yrs.
...and moving on!!
-and speaking of Cults!!
when ever you're on Shift behind theKioskBar and someone orders TAZO tea and wants it "shaken" and sweetened with either Lemonade or Juice,
You quickly grab theLarge plastic ShakerCup that has theSacredDiagrams marked inside and outside on WhatToDo when someone Orders a TAZO tea!!
"First, Don't Panic!!,
Fill UP to Here with Tea!!,
ADD appropriate Water or Juice to here Sam!!
(Yes one cup actually does say that!!, it came in special shipment after SAFEWAYS hired me and put me in one of their Stores)
ADD ICE to here Sam!!
Now Sam, per you Recent $800 BarStars BarTender training,
Cap This Cup and Shake it like your Making a drink in your $75 BostonShaker cup You bought 3 months ago Sam!!
Pour out into appropriate Cup, coverLid, HAND-OFF to Customer and SMILE with your NEW teeth Sam!!"
(Yep, that's what theNew Cups say!!)
I mean, don't you just love it when theNewCult goes out of it's way to welcome YOU into theFlock and gives YOU special directions!?
d:oP
-Long ago when in theChurchCult!!, a shirt & tie was theNewBlack,
now, that you work for theNewCoffeeCult!!, a black PoloShirt and blackSlacks under a GREEN Apron IS theNewBlack!!
but at least you're not wearing theOldBlack in theTemple, making falseCovenants with theMormongod and you're NOT wearing THAT old GreenApron!!
-Long ago, when under control of theMormongod, you had a small white pocketHandbook called theMissionaryHandbook, it controlled your life!!
now adays, you have Not one small Green Apron book, but you have your CoffeePassport book as well
and you have 90 days to sample ALL theSelections thereIN or face theWrath of theCoffeeCult god!!, and that of your LC / LearningCoach - LeadBarista gal on Shift at theKiosk!!
Now, between your StoreMgr and theLC, sometimes you wish theMorg god was mad at you instead!! d:o(
-Although there are still weekly Group meetings at Back of theMain Safeway store,
and you still have to listen intently to what's on sale that Week or WeekEnd, at least you're not "praying for theWorld" at large, though you all secretly pray that the world at Large will exclusively shop at any CARRS / SAFEWAY store that week!!
You almost have to bite your tongue when theGM hands you a newspaper clipping with theNew Announcements that YOU MUST MEMORIZE and regurgitate to ANY shopper within 20' of you while you're on duty,
You reverently took one weeks paper from theGM and asked, per theOld churchCults TempleCeremony spiel- "what Is That!?"
at least theNice GenMgr didn't make you pay any Tithes on that weeks payCheck from theStore!!
-And recently, while working for theGreenMermaid!!
You notice that for awhile, when you lived in Seattle, you had been watched and looked after by either HER or that Blue SeaWitch-thePrincess!!
They were both watching you when theChurchCult wasn't. And back then, those girls were planning your future up in Alaska!!
I guess it all works out in theEnd!!
-When Fasting and paying out monetaryFastOfferings to theChurchCult god while in Seattle,
you had blinding headaches and blurred vision and were weak from hunger,
Now adays while underCare of theGreenMermaid, you only get a short headAche and a mildBuzz from her EspressoShots that she lets you sample each day!!
and she pays you every week!! and no one makes you part with any money whatsoever unless you feel like buying something.
-You're still a bit confused now adays when, considering that, back then in Seattle,
When hanging out with churchCult friends and hangersOn that loved music,
"Shine Jesus Shine" was a good song to sing,
But lately,
"Shine!!.... Jeezuz, Shine!! god damnit!!" as screamed from your LC / LeadBarista-KioskMgr
when cleaning up theShiny AutomatedEspressoMachine or buffing theRegister or even theStoreFootPrint-Tile floors WITH an Old castOFF GreenApron AND your sweat!!-just doesn't have the same Sweet, harmonious appeal to it.
Next time, Press theDoubleEspresso button 8 times when making theLC / LB-KMgr her morning Coffee and call it a day
-theOld churchCult had it's yearly SundaySchool books,
it's LessonManuals and even 4 sets of Scripture to go with everything and you were Nerdy and studious enough to memorizeMuch of that material over the years,
but in theLast 3 weeks of Recently being with theNewCoffeeCult,
they slap a set of Barista 100 Level Training Manuals in your hands, let you and your New hire pal, theBristaGal!! watch theDVD's,
you both spend all day poring over these Green manuals and memorize everything and repeating and Pouring and SpoutingGlib Phrases and Lines from thereIN,
and they say that's ALL You'll EVER need in your Journey with theCoffeeCult as the rest of what you'll learn will come from yourCustomerz,
as well as from that quirky-Touchy, Snippity Register that freezes up all the time and from that Temperous EspressoMachine that you dubbed "HAL" / Hurling another Latte (at you, or someone)
and by theWay, theAtrition rate for both cults is way high,
You're theONLY one left of theNewHires after 3 weeks and 2 old BristaGirls left already!!
They put your name on theMarked up GreenManuals and tossed them at you one day, Consider them Yours!!
----
Someone please tell Sam!! to put the Keyboard down and go to sleep, as it's 5 a.m.!!
Later taters,
lovs,
theSam!!
Samuel L Flyinghorse
Anchorage, Alaska - USA!!
AlaskaVillageTales
Next Week's HowToTell!! series continues with.....
How To Tell You're Unemployed!!
How To Tell You're Fired!!
How To Tell You've Pissed Off a few MYSpace friends!!
How To Tell theVillageCouncil!! STILL Hates You!!
and Sam!!'s favorite...
How To Tell You're Behind On Your CellPhone & Internet Bill!!
We'll conclude the 2008 AlaskaVillageTales fictional series with a Return of a New LineUp of Tales Straight From theVillage!!
d:oP
How to Tell...
that your current Date is an strugglingMusician!!
-...Her first words to you evah!!, were in lilted cadence as she banged her
guitar breaking theNeck and 4 high strings, then she knelt down in arpeggioSolo and set her Strings on fire....
herTampon strings!!
-...No matter where you two go in public, whether to ride theBus, or drive in her car, or to walk her dog or to watch a movie,
She’s got 4 MegaPlex spotlights trained upon theTwoOfYou, and everyone around can hear your every breath, savor every foodBite and feel your embrace because of theNadyMic between you and her
-...your public jaunts, whether to rode theBus, or drive in her car, or to walk her dog or to watch a movie, etc
is always preceded 2 weeks in advance because she has signs, flyers and posters tacked up to every wall, lightpole, fencePost and outhouse,
btw, she also makes YOU put up much of her signs!!
-...besides, your dates always average 1000+ ratings in 2 days, is Shared by all, are YouTubeFaves,
is always on everyone’s Playlists and is flagged by everyone!! Including your DATE!!
-...Your supply of WhiteningToothPaste from Dental, for your New front Teeth was used by her to “brightenUp” the keys on her Korg 81000 YYZee workStation,
and her dog’s teeth also needed freshening up for theBand’s new GroupPhoto at WalMart,
-...She holds her NotePads, pens, pencils more than she holds you!! btw,
she also goes around softly whispering to herself (while glaring at YOU)
“castard... bastard... stunted.... dipshit....
What rhymes with these!?”
-...her New Suburban purchase was meant to allow room for carrying things in her life that mattered,
like her Dog, her 3 Keyboards w/ tubular standPoints, her 500’ of assorted Line,
her 4 Guitars, theAcoustic 12String, her TechnoBlue and Red & White StarBrites Overhead lightingRig,
her brother theSoundMan & Videographer, her Sister theBouncer/Security!! and her 10 changes of Clothes for her Gigs-and this is JUST for evening appearances let alone an overNight trip or weekend stay out of town!!
-...just gettingUP in the morning for her, or even flailing an Arm inSleep and sighing-is a DressRehearsal!!
-...“SadEyes, Turn theOtherWay!!” is her show’s finale, in Yiddish and with accompanying metalSolo with herBraces!!,
btw, she’s very good!!
-...she’s only interested in YOU because of your background in Cosmetology and MakeUp artistry,
and she only needs you when theCrowd MovesAside for her bodySurfing GuitarSolo!!-so you can massage her Neck,
-...even though your friends keep telling you, and yet you kind of see theTruth, yourMusicianGirl!! is really just using YOU for Foodstamps, uhm.....
YOUR foodStamps,
but you refuse to really see these things because yourGirl!! lets YOU sneak in Booze to her shows, she lets YOU hold her cigarettes-between YOUR forearms, YOUR thighs and YOUR manBoobs!!
and now and then she lets you see and Hold her huge Bulbous BigBottom-ed WideBodyJumbo acousticFender!!
-...She uses YOU for decoy at Mammoths, You’ll walk in with your acoustic and an Salesboy will talk with you for 20minutes or so while she rummages through theFakeBook bins, lifts a drumset or two and steals a newer Keyboard,
hey, after all, Everyone watches YOU, cos YOU’RE theMinority!!
-...You stopped talking to her in full sentences after the First week of seeing her, because after every few words,
She’d repeat herself, throw in a catchy HOOK phrase, pause for SOLO and then wrap up theSong soundbyte in less than 4 minutes!!
-...You caught her Browsing your AlaskaVillageTales wordProcessor cacheNotes for “Inspiration” and she said that was for theDeathMetal albums she was working on next,
-...Her blackLab REALLY did speak to YOU the other day,
“Please Release him, let HIM Gooooo” then he attempted to hang himself by his collar and chain,
----
SomeOne Please TELL Sam!!
How To Tell Sam!!
d:oD
How To Tell...
that you've gone from One Cult to Another!!
-oneCult was founded in 1827 when a young farm boy was Masterbating in theWoods in NewYork, and whos current corporateHQ's is in SaltLake,
theOther one was founded in 1971 and is located in Seattle!!
d:oP
-When you first went on yourChurch / Cult mission in 1986 to Vancouver BritishColumbia Canada, for theFormer church cult, theLatter Coffee cult by then, in 1987 had 17 coffeehouses and had followed YOU into Canada!!
-In 1999, Now pay attention to theNumbersHere!!, when you broke free of Seattle and ended up in Alaska, the"TAZO" brand of tea was acquired by theCurrent org you're apart of,
now, just 2 yrs later in 2001, during carefully monitored VPSO training by AlaskaStateTroopers, in use of the"TAZER", your "ONE" / 1 (now turn the 999 numbers upside down to "666" Inspired Trooper training Sgt, whom was theDevil to You, SHOT you with his "TAZE"r and like the first church cult's effects upon you,
you haven't been theSame!! since, in fact, you're even more quirky!!
And after what theVillage!! did to you after 2.8yrs,
theCaffiene and booze you get NOW in safety in theCity!! sure doesn't help things either!!
But at least theChurch, or theCult!! is totally out of your life!!
So, drink to that!!
Hmmm... this was a LONG way to say that, you went from Taser to TAZO and it only took 8 yrs.
...and moving on!!
-and speaking of Cults!!
when ever you're on Shift behind theKioskBar and someone orders TAZO tea and wants it "shaken" and sweetened with either Lemonade or Juice,
You quickly grab theLarge plastic ShakerCup that has theSacredDiagrams marked inside and outside on WhatToDo when someone Orders a TAZO tea!!
"First, Don't Panic!!,
Fill UP to Here with Tea!!,
ADD appropriate Water or Juice to here Sam!!
(Yes one cup actually does say that!!, it came in special shipment after SAFEWAYS hired me and put me in one of their Stores)
ADD ICE to here Sam!!
Now Sam, per you Recent $800 BarStars BarTender training,
Cap This Cup and Shake it like your Making a drink in your $75 BostonShaker cup You bought 3 months ago Sam!!
Pour out into appropriate Cup, coverLid, HAND-OFF to Customer and SMILE with your NEW teeth Sam!!"
(Yep, that's what theNew Cups say!!)
I mean, don't you just love it when theNewCult goes out of it's way to welcome YOU into theFlock and gives YOU special directions!?
d:oP
-Long ago when in theChurchCult!!, a shirt & tie was theNewBlack,
now, that you work for theNewCoffeeCult!!, a black PoloShirt and blackSlacks under a GREEN Apron IS theNewBlack!!
but at least you're not wearing theOldBlack in theTemple, making falseCovenants with theMormongod and you're NOT wearing THAT old GreenApron!!
-Long ago, when under control of theMormongod, you had a small white pocketHandbook called theMissionaryHandbook, it controlled your life!!
now adays, you have Not one small Green Apron book, but you have your CoffeePassport book as well
and you have 90 days to sample ALL theSelections thereIN or face theWrath of theCoffeeCult god!!, and that of your LC / LearningCoach - LeadBarista gal on Shift at theKiosk!!
Now, between your StoreMgr and theLC, sometimes you wish theMorg god was mad at you instead!! d:o(
-Although there are still weekly Group meetings at Back of theMain Safeway store,
and you still have to listen intently to what's on sale that Week or WeekEnd, at least you're not "praying for theWorld" at large, though you all secretly pray that the world at Large will exclusively shop at any CARRS / SAFEWAY store that week!!
You almost have to bite your tongue when theGM hands you a newspaper clipping with theNew Announcements that YOU MUST MEMORIZE and regurgitate to ANY shopper within 20' of you while you're on duty,
You reverently took one weeks paper from theGM and asked, per theOld churchCults TempleCeremony spiel- "what Is That!?"
at least theNice GenMgr didn't make you pay any Tithes on that weeks payCheck from theStore!!
-And recently, while working for theGreenMermaid!!
You notice that for awhile, when you lived in Seattle, you had been watched and looked after by either HER or that Blue SeaWitch-thePrincess!!
They were both watching you when theChurchCult wasn't. And back then, those girls were planning your future up in Alaska!!
I guess it all works out in theEnd!!
-When Fasting and paying out monetaryFastOfferings to theChurchCult god while in Seattle,
you had blinding headaches and blurred vision and were weak from hunger,
Now adays while underCare of theGreenMermaid, you only get a short headAche and a mildBuzz from her EspressoShots that she lets you sample each day!!
and she pays you every week!! and no one makes you part with any money whatsoever unless you feel like buying something.
-You're still a bit confused now adays when, considering that, back then in Seattle,
When hanging out with churchCult friends and hangersOn that loved music,
"Shine Jesus Shine" was a good song to sing,
But lately,
"Shine!!.... Jeezuz, Shine!! god damnit!!" as screamed from your LC / LeadBarista-KioskMgr
when cleaning up theShiny AutomatedEspressoMachine or buffing theRegister or even theStoreFootPrint-Tile floors WITH an Old castOFF GreenApron AND your sweat!!-just doesn't have the same Sweet, harmonious appeal to it.
Next time, Press theDoubleEspresso button 8 times when making theLC / LB-KMgr her morning Coffee and call it a day
-theOld churchCult had it's yearly SundaySchool books,
it's LessonManuals and even 4 sets of Scripture to go with everything and you were Nerdy and studious enough to memorizeMuch of that material over the years,
but in theLast 3 weeks of Recently being with theNewCoffeeCult,
they slap a set of Barista 100 Level Training Manuals in your hands, let you and your New hire pal, theBristaGal!! watch theDVD's,
you both spend all day poring over these Green manuals and memorize everything and repeating and Pouring and SpoutingGlib Phrases and Lines from thereIN,
and they say that's ALL You'll EVER need in your Journey with theCoffeeCult as the rest of what you'll learn will come from yourCustomerz,
as well as from that quirky-Touchy, Snippity Register that freezes up all the time and from that Temperous EspressoMachine that you dubbed "HAL" / Hurling another Latte (at you, or someone)
and by theWay, theAtrition rate for both cults is way high,
You're theONLY one left of theNewHires after 3 weeks and 2 old BristaGirls left already!!
They put your name on theMarked up GreenManuals and tossed them at you one day, Consider them Yours!!
----
Someone please tell Sam!! to put the Keyboard down and go to sleep, as it's 5 a.m.!!
Later taters,
lovs,
theSam!!
Samuel L Flyinghorse
Anchorage, Alaska - USA!!
AlaskaVillageTales
Next Week's HowToTell!! series continues with.....
How To Tell You're Unemployed!!
How To Tell You're Fired!!
How To Tell You've Pissed Off a few MYSpace friends!!
How To Tell theVillageCouncil!! STILL Hates You!!
and Sam!!'s favorite...
How To Tell You're Behind On Your CellPhone & Internet Bill!!
We'll conclude the 2008 AlaskaVillageTales fictional series with a Return of a New LineUp of Tales Straight From theVillage!!
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