Movies & Sitcoms from the Village and Horoscopes.

Movies and Sitcoms from the Village!!

Cold Case Files
The night you confiscated the alcohol and wrote out a Tribal court report in long-hand then you were so tired you unknowingly left the report and the cases of Bud in the patrol car overnight in -40F weather.

I'm with Her
Friends to the end. Together since Kintergarten, two peas in a pod through High school and finally together in the patrol car on your way to jail. You'd high-five each other for punching the VPSO in the nose but your hands are cuffed behind you.

She's Having a Baby
(See 9 1/2 Weeks below)

Gone in 60 Seconds
What happens when the VPSO drives up to the house and suddenly it's Lemming migration out the back window into the woods.

Two and a 1/2 Villagers
Uncle Walt, his brother Douglas and lil' nephew Mikey-who was dumped off by his teen mama 6 yrs ago. One little shack, so much garbage and too much foot traffic day and night.

A Few Good Villagers
Questioning the VPSO to see whether or not he actually ordered the "Code Red" Mtn Dew drink.

Did you or did YOU Not, Order the "Code Red!!!" shouts the Council woman.

"You want answers!?? retorts the officer.

"I want the truth!! stomps the woman, stabbing the air with her cigarette.

"Truth? You can't handle the truth!!" sneers the VPSO.

The cook breaks into the confrontation. "Hey hey you two, settle down"
Waving the spatula the young man continues. "He ordered the Pepsi and speaking of orders. His food's ready"

Waving to his young wife Nicky-she acknowledges and picks up the burger and fries from the counter and takes the food to the Officer sitting by the door.

Another busy summer day at the Village End restaurant

9 1/2 Weeks
A story about a brief love affair? Guess again. Try these on for size.

Just how long it took for Sam to fill out those damn TCC job applications forms.
OJT with the State Troopers took only 9 1/2 Days.

Officer Sam fell in love with arrestingly gorgeous Trooper Eileen for .....about 9 1/2mins. Her baton was bigger than his.....

9 1/2 seconds; The time it takes for Officer Sam to run down a fleeing intoxicated suspect. They don't run in straight lines.

The Usual (9 1/2) Suspects; How many villagers can be on probation at any given time.

9 1/2 months; How long a certain young lady in the village hid out from everyone till she had her baby and farmed it out to relatives outside the village.

9 1/2 Beers on the Wall; The highest recorded count that villagers get to while singing out loud and partying before the man-in-brown breaks up the party.

9 1/2 miles; average distance for 3 vehicle patrols around the village covering all 3 main streets and all 4 cross streets.

9 1/2 kids; Average number of visiting village kids to Officer Sam's office or to the Lodge to see if he's in his room.

9 1/2 bottles; Number of whiskey bottles that can be shot with the .22 pistol in about 10 seconds.

9 1/2 villagers; Average number of villagers that are always upset with the VPSO at any given time.

9 1/2 months; Time it takes said angry villagers to start speaking to VPSO.
and finally.......the Number of years Officer Sam actually aged while on the job for only 2.5 yrs!!

Grumpy Old Men
Sr citizens actually do take up arms against each other with frozen fish.
Sometimes they brandish a moose leg that's been laying out in the yard for 2 straight summers. Sometimes they storm out of the house shirtless in the middle of winter or pantless in the summer demanding to know "what the ****you want with them?!"
They also take up arms against the VPSO with diamond willow canes. Ouch.

Grumpier Old Women
Some inebriated teens scaring everyone. A two hour boat ride down river to remove the young men. The two Elders refuse to cooperate as the Officer tries to establish probable cause to take the young men away. In time he & his boat driver leave the camp without passengers.

the Council in the Hat
Enter the room and take a seat, at the end of the table you're in for a treat.
the Council agenda has written your name, you're in for a grilling they're fanning the flames.

"why did you transport your prisoner all alone. why didn't you ask for help?-we were home.
you should've done this or could've done that! Looked the other way and left it at that!"

"We've cajoled, we've coaxed, we've cried, we've shouted.
We've wrung our hands, pulled our hair out and pouted.

We got you a phone, we got you a car. We gave you a boat though it didn't go far."

You leap to your feet and pull out your notes. Transcribed from the tapes, verbatim you quote.

"Leave this alone. Don't do anything here!" (the cause of the crash was only beer)

"Go back to your room go play with your hair, Go play with the kids we really don't care.
You're here for our money we get from prestige of being funded state and federally.

We don't want to change, we don't want your help,
We're not drinking, fighting and killing ourselves.

The sexual assault was just raging hormones, You're a pervert for prying just leave her alone.

You think you can spy through our kids at school, bond with your time and your talents.
What a fool."

You saw the pictures and read the reports that I filed.
When I hold you responsible you get all riled.

Flashpants
"What a feelin'!
It's believin'!
I can have it all now I'm dancing for my life!"

And how....

(a few seconds previous) the party is thumping and the booze is flowing.
Someone is spraying paint around haphazardly and a persons legs are hit by the stream.

Another person has a lit cigarette and flicks it away in disgust to emphasize a point they're trying to make.

The cigarette touches the painted pants and though the burning tobacco isn't hot enough to reach the flashpoint of the paint fumes, somehow the fumes ignite.
At that same moment enters the two village officers....

Amazing how some people can actually dance hoop and holler when OC sprayed too.

the Terminated
He's big, he's mean and he talks in a nasal tone. "Are you Mrs Sarah.....?"
"You have been served" and the officer hands village resident Sarah a court subpeona.

the Terminated 2- Tribal Court Judgement Day.
He's BACK.
Only this time he's the target.
He grudgingly turns over the keys of the impounded vehicle to the Village Council Liasson / foxy village chick / Lodge manager girl who in turn hands the keys to the owner.
With red eyes (from too little sleep) and stoic expression he watches the habitual-DUI villager get into her vehicle and drive away.
"You'll be BACK" the Officer mutters to himself.

T-3 Rise of the Teens
She's lean, mean and a drinking machine.
After midnight Officer Sam breaks up her party and sends her friends home.
Just before dawn they strike. All tires on the patrol car and HIS pickup are flat. They've gotten away clean they think.

But the hidden wireless camera recorded them. And one of her friends told Him too.

He chose to eventually leave the place because he could not fix their problems, the fight was not really his.

He's still big, he's still mean. He's theTerminated!!

Road House
a juke joint hopping with people most every night.

A young village tuff that thinks he owns the village.

A traffic stop, drugs under the seat, an arrest and a prisoner transport. So what does all this have to do with violence and cleaning up a small town?

Everything.

Because the bar owner was robbed of alcohol and called up the road to the Officer 50 miles away and complained about seeing a certain car and a familiar young man.

Actually the bar owner has no reason to complain because he's a drug dealer and this problem he brought upon himself. He poisons the village anyway and is part of the local importation problem.

But duty calls so don your steel toed duty boots and let's go hunting!!

ER
"now turn your head and cough VPSO" the young Health Aide directs.

*cough-cough*

All this for some tylenol for a headache?

Gee, aren't you supposed to wear gloves? Is that camera necessary?

Why you spritzing on perfume.... uhh, So how's the kids?.....

And in the Nightly News
A yearly close to the winter season has various people skiing & sledding down hill and trying to skim across the water surface for 50' to make it to the other side at a popular ski resort in Anchorage. Meanwhile.....

In the village Mr Dave takes his jalopy 1986 Buick Regal out on the ice by the river boat landing and gets stuck in the icy trough.

Finally after 2 days of attempts to get unstuck he humbly approaches the VPSO. "uuhh. Sam...." The Officer goes down to the river with a bucket of sand and in minutes Mr Dave drives away.

And just up river about 100 yds the more hardy of the village Elders sit out on the open ice in the cold wind next to fishing holes and chat.

Stay tuned for exciting scenes from

"Days of Our Village Lives"
And now a few words from our sponsors;
the Village General Store-Where nothing Specific can be bought.

And the Lakeview Lodge Grill-n-Chill Restaurant-Where the Village Clinic is Conveniently located just down the hall.

We'll close now with a few daily horoscopes.

Aries (Mar 17th to Apr 19th)
Where associates and friends meet is where you want to be found. Unless you're visiting the village and the VPSO knows you have an arrest warrant.
You might not always agree with those around you, especially that big man in the brown uniform,
but you'll get great ideas from brainstorming together. Ideas like you and your friends taking turns every hour all night to insist on going to the bathroom after the Officer starts to snore while you are in custody.

Taurus (Apr 20th to May 20th)
Your energy is well placed, as you run from the Officers, be sure to leave some food by the trail so that at least one of those big officers will have to stop and eat it thus buying you time to hide in the village.
Focus on your work, your public image and greater community commitment-after all only 8 more houses and yards to spruce up on Tribal Court Ordered community service! Others respond to your innate charisma, though the Officer just thinks it's because you're the only good looking woman that has a job AND who drinks.
Prepare to take on a greater role in the above mentioned areas. Particularly summer lawn mowing and weed hoeing, or else winter snow shoveling and fuel oil hauling.
Your leadership skills will come into play, remember to wear a watch when you go out so you can assign bathroom break hours to your friends all night while you are all in custody!

Gemini (May 21st to June 20)
You might see what others don't and sometimes could be frustrated by associates' lack of vision. Better lay off the pot and vodka for awhile.
Glide past an emotional response and continue with your intellectual research, don't hit the Officer-he's just doing his job.
Gather facts, Not feelings. As you document other peoples' encounters with him throughout the village to take before the Village Council to demand firing Him.

Cancer (June 21st to July 22nd)
Deal with key associates individually if you want to succeed and make an impact. Remember to drive carefully as you gather booze orders and $ before heading to town! The village Event is this weekend and you want all your friends to make merriment all night to keep those Officers busy.
Express your sensitivity, weep and cry uncontrollably while in custody so that Mom, Granma and your friends will drop in and visit you while awaiting prisoner transport.
Others respond well and want to get to the bottom of an issue. Especially those Officers after hearing of your return to the village. After waiting for 2 days they're happy to see you at 0435 hrs with all their bright shiny flashing lights and cameras complete with wireless audio and custom silver jewelry for you to wear.
You could feel emotionally stirred or overly involved about a subject, just be sure NOT to strip for the Officers and lay down on the Holding Cell floor.
Tonight: Have a long overdue chat on the phone, tell all your friends which way the Officers went as you sit outside smoking on your porch.

Leo (July 23rd to Aug 22)
Others seek you out. All you need to do is be available. Since most of the bootlegging men are Outside fighting fires YOU'VE got a car, YOU drive to town and get the booze. Remember; One of them sleeps till noon and the other plays with the kids at the river before 6 p.m.
On the Other hand you might need to close your door and screen calls if you need to concentrate. After all, those Officers do kick in doors and barge in. You wouldn't want them to surprise you and your friends partying so put a hasp & lock on your doors.
Juggle your demanding popularity with what has to be done, get out of the vehicle, hand over the keys and hands behind your back. You'll return to the village in a few days. Schedule lunch with someone you look up to, remember that the Holding Cell has no chairs to sit on as you await an afternoon prisoner transport while your kids bring you food as the Officer sits at his desk typing up the Assault report.

That about does it until the end of summer for the horoscopes.

Remember the answer is in the Stars! Those little ones floating in your peripheral vision after you decide to attack the officers and one pulls his baton.

theSam!!!

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