Tribal ID cards.

TRIBAL ID CARDS

My Tribe is the best Tribe in the world.
Can't be beat when it comes to the Village Council vying with the US military
or any other secret gov't agency in keeping up with the times in obtaining
the latest in high tech stuff.

My Tribal issued I.D. card has a holographic image of the Tribal Seal upon it;
"9 little Smokehouses" all in a circle.

Why 9?
I dunno.
Perhaps it's to avoid a stigma like the proverbial "10 little 'dinDins".

And smack dab in the middle of the Smokehouse circle is a Shot glass. ???
What on earth for?
As if to say that our lives now revolve around... Nevermind.

And my neck occasionally smarts where the Bio-chip implant was recently inserted by the Village Health Aide.
I'm told the implant is a smart chip. Good! I say.

Because sometimes I'm not the smartestsestest...est villager in the vil.. Community.
Although I don't like my PC rebooting at random and my toaster suddenly popping when I approach the kitchen.

Just the other day I was in Anchorage and I heard a "Ping" noise in my head followed
by what can only be described as "white noise" on the tv or radio.

Then the grouchy voice of the Tribal Administrator filled my head.
"Sam!!"

"huh??' I wondered out loud.
"It's me...."

Oh. I said.

So I guess I'm walking around with a satellite phone capable chip implant in my head and the Tribal leaders know my every step in the damn village.

Except for the time when some kids found me under the table,
at the Village Community dinner, with a mouth full of potato salad,
fists full of moose meat & roast lamb and a beanie cap made of Tin foil on my head.
Everybody searched for me 90 mins!!

Though if you ask me,
I think the school teacher down the road who's husband is on the Village Council,
had a big hand in this "leashing of me".

Because her cell phone beeps every time I get within 20' of Her or within 10 miles of both her teen-age daughters!!

This makes me wonder about the other things that the Health Aide did to me every time I visited the clinic??

In fact, I remember going TO the clinic but after getting a flu shot or rabies shot or taking some meds.
I don't remember ever Leaving the place!!

My Tribal I.D. card also has strings of barcode across the back.
Looking at it I feel like I'm a commodity, an item upon the store shelf.

Just this last summer one of our more economically depressed families
that opened up an arts and crafts stand out by the Community Lodge,

had a novel idea of lightening their inventory load when the tourists stopped to buy "Native made" stuff.

One of the old white lady tourists was just gushing all over the cute little 2 yr old Native boy with a dirty face, smudged moose skin shirt, blue jeans and authentic moose and caribou mukluks on his feet.

Mama then fished Jr's Tribal I.D. photo card from her purse, scanned it through the cash register and in minutes little Jr was whisked away in a Tioga tip-out never to be seen again.

Well... at least he was authentically "made" in Alaska.

Every time I walk through the front doors of the Tribal offices this panel box next to the light switch beeps and chirps once.

???

I tell you I get no respect at all from those people,
And I'm the Tribal Police man!!

The Village Council had to cut back on funds and who's programs were first to go?? Mine.
No more public safety.

My SUV patrol vehicle? Gone.
My office space in the 5'x5' storage sheds? Gone.

My love handles and chubby chin? Gone, gone 'cos I've no $ and no more food.
Good news is I'm now in the best shape of my life.

I also had to turn in the ballistic armor inserts from my bullet vest.
Now I just wear the carriers (without ballistic armor inserts)
or else I just wear the Outer vest (without armor inserts)

On the bright side,
I can clear the fences and cars faster as I chase down fleeing suspects.
(All my relations!!).

At least I'm happy about my current Tribal I.D. card photo though.
It looks like I'M in the photo instead of my Auntie, or else the youngest kid of the family down the street.

What with last years fiasco of having all Tribal I.D. card photos
mixed up when the Tribal Administrator
and half the Village Council used the photos as playing cards in a round of poker one evening when they got bored....

(they drank up my confiscated whiskey I stashed as evidence when I arrested the Chief's daughters and her friends)

....before throwing everything back into the storage box previous to the cards being laminated and issued out to...
oh Nevermind.

My last card photo literally was of the youngest kid of the family down the street.
(kids eat free at Hooters in Anchorage and I've flown free to various Police
trainings around the State on AK Scair)

hmm.... I wonder who got mine??


Maybe that explains why the 15 yr old rebel girl of the Village Chief is suddenly getting into bars and clubs?? doh well.
It's her liver that was shot and had to be replaced, not mine.

Our happy-go-lucky, tree hugging Wellness Director also had a hand in the making of our Tribal I.D. photo cards too.

In fine print on the back right next to the Positive Affirmations are the infamous words....

"You have the right to remain silent.
Anything You say can and will be used against you in the court of law.
You have the right to an att.."
You get the drift.

I think such things were meant for the heavy drinkers of the Tribe if you ask me.
"Just a friendly reminder of what will happen to you if you get caught drinking and driving".
Stupid hippy woman... they oughta fire her.

Well. I can't wait to get another Tribal I.D. photo card in about...oh. 10 yrs.
More technologically advanced stuff should be built into it by then.

As well as new technology built into my body implants like;
small doses of meal-time released flavored salmon, caribou or moose to curb my appetite when I'm hungry.

Or a shot of espresso in the morning via the transdermal implants on my right fore arm.

Half the village opted for Jack Daniels or Royal Canadian Gold transdermal implants.
Attendance in my holding cell has shot up 100% since then!!

And lastly I'll skip the details of WHERE the Village Council put a new fax machine on ME last week except to say.

"I'll never run out of T.P. (toilet paper) because.
It's all right There!!!"

theSam!!!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Poop Moose Has Bottomed Out!!!

theSam!! vs YouTube!?

ELECTION DAY 2006