theGodFather Of Village!!
theGod Father of Village!!
theVillage!!
Ever thing i lernt bout Life I lernd from my Kintergarten Class. Don’t belive me?? Just red on!!
Finances,
Gren is the fist color that we learn from Primary Color weel.
Even though a Patsy white is actully the first color we eve see in Life like my Pasty white Mom’s brasts, our white Nitive dads, our White Naive relives,
but that’s a given, we learn that Gren peces of paper wit numbers on tem mean th World to us.
And mother and her shapely figue she goes after theGuys in theVilag that work and earn theMostest gren piece of paper. Mom calls the biggest, big bills theBen jammun’s.
Our frst year in schull we learn that the armor Cop in theVillage or Safey Oficer also has lots of “Money”,
He goes hom to his house at end of each day and stuffs his matress, his cloze bag and shovvls money into his pickup twuck, at least that what Mom thinks and that’s wat the bigge 4th grad kids tell us anyways.
It lest that onne gurl in 4th grid nos whatt she ssas becoz she wuz marrid to a Pulic Safe oficr once, Thar son is allso in my scul class and he is relly a crybaby,
One day in scool my older cuzin asked theCop, who was substie teacher and making more Money by working at scool!, (> and sping on his wif nd keds too) if she and me cod play with theCashBox.
After my older cosin start to cry and stomp her foot theCop finlly said yes, and so we got to play with toy money.
Enfact, it sems that every girlfend of the Cop alwaay ware his tee shirts and cry and stomp ther feet to get his a tenshon and to git mmmonye from him.
Evry kid in school has learnd how to count add and stuff by using tis play money.In fact, we learn this befor we evr lern the numbers and alphabit letes on the bord. Its every schhul grls drem to gro up and to evenshully be counting reel mone, the Pulic Safe Oficerz money!!
In fact, we learn this befor we evr lern the numbers and alphabit letes on the bord.
Somtms dad bings home bottls of wiske and sels dem to other villgrs, dad says that eech botl is bot for 10 two twenee dolarz but he sels them for fiftee dollrs ro mor!
One tim my dad bougt my oldr anty for two hundde dolars, they hugd and kassed and pressd tummies reel hard and my antee screemeda an.....
OW!!!!
sorry mom.
Love,
On tim my mommy let theCop kiss her for two hun....OW!!!!
sorrymom.
My nee littl broddr looks like thCop and OWW!!! sorry mom!!
Hi I’m Josie Cuervo and i can explain about love.
To me boys are icky and I hat them. I guess thats what love Isn’t. But if a boy picks on me all day at school and shoves me against the wall and doesn’t talk to me I guess thats love too.
My dad does that to mom a lot, at home every time he drinks.
Even the VPSO comes over and Loves my dad in return, you should see the grin on his face as he shocks my dad and then handcuffs him and takes him to theCity for a few months.
I guess thats what theCop means when he says that he loves his work. he must luv my older cousinns too as he arrests them a lot.
When I see that my grandma makes the best cooks. cokies in the village and the VPSO just show up out of nowwere and visits and talks a lot and eats up grandmas cookies, I guess that is love for grandmas cookees!
Yesterday when I visited my grandpas dog yard, I nelt down by Blazers house and I peeked inside, She had 7 puppees with her.
I guess that is love when you like cute sled dog pups. They have cute dog breath and small heads and tiny faces.
And my older sister Angel just crushes on theCop big time. She alwys wants to ride around with...
What?!! stop it..........
cut it out............ Mom!!! Angels hiting...
Now my teen girls are fighting. Guess I can’t have any of them step on over to theKeyboard and say a few words about Fashion, Music, Hard Work etc.
Their mom took off, but I’ll find her later on when I go patrol theVillage!! I found her drinking with her friends last weekend and they all got theCar stuck in the snow last month. (sigh) I always find my angels.
I’ve noticed that all the things we first knew of Life we first experienced in a Kintergarten environment, and each year after that it was the Same thing just that everyone was one year older.
I’ll close this Topic with something from me, about what I learned of Life from my Kintergartners.
Village Pecking Order,
when I lived on a farm as a child, I would watch the tiny chicks run around behind the Mother hen and always the biggest chick was right behind and then the next biggest chick etc until the smallest chick was last.
Same thing with the geese that Granma fed each day out by the Country house.
Always, always it was the biggest and often theMost aggressive of the geese that got the most food and even the Big dogs that weighed 100lbs were afraid of 10 or 20lb geese.
Well, years later and I end up in theVillage here in Alaska and in similar fashion I see the same pecking order amongst the villagers but this time things were different in an odd way.
It was the Same Elders, the Old ones, that wielded the power and authority in theVillage, but it was often the most Shortest, meanest, most wrinkled Elder who’s swollen gnarled hands that held the Biggest, rugged looking Diamond Willow cane that held ALL thePower.
It was theElders that were God to the Villagers, when ever an argument or dispute happened and an Elder stepped into the fray minutes or even Days after the event.
It was like a natural disaster or some other earth shaking event had taken place and had changed the very soul and countenance of all dispute attendees.
When an elder spoke, everyone listened. And in the schools the kids picked up on that fact.
Whom ever had the Oldest most meanest Grandma or Grandpa had complete run of the school and often controlled the school teachers as well.
Perhaps that’s why theSchool district was quick to accept my participation in the school events and even begged me to stand in a few hours each day for the kids.
A short week turned into months and months into years and eventually I saw some Kintergartners graduate high school, go off to college and I even took care of their little ones in school as well.
Over the years. Nothing had changed at all, it was who had the Most $, the most Toys and theEldest of relatives.
And where was I amongst the Line of clamoring Villagers all vying for attention and favor??
I went out to theDump one day during my 2nd year of Employment in theVillage and cut up some 2” steel piping that some Village workman had thrown away from renovating some Village-Leaders houses.
I made two 3’ long sections and wrapped them in 1/4” foam and wrapped that in black electricians tape.
I even capped the ends and dressed them up neatly and kept those pipes in my patrol vehicle.
And always, when ever I went to some Domestic call or other assault in theVillage I took at least one pipe with me.
Nobody bothered me at all after a week, eventually even theElders all smiled at me and would shake their Diamond Willow canes “hello” at me or else double tap the floor or ground as they walked past me.
That was the highest sign of respect one could get from an Elder. That and the fact that I carried no less than 5 grand upon my person during my highest paid hey days in theVillage.
I helped support the school kids functions, I bought gas for a few families and Elders too, I helped support the Elders fund each month too.
I even had funds to feed my hungry Guns too, the more Ammo they ate, the more accurate they became and soon, even word got back to me that some people were scared to act up in theVillage.
Good, because at least I was scaring the Right people and helping to protect the Good people.
The pecking order hasn’t changed much since I left theVillage, it’s the Same everywhere, even in theBig city too.
But I don’t want to cap / Grill my teeth, slap tats on my body and get a Ghetto car that will shake and hop by remote control at car shows or via Internet....
I let my Hoodie-Clad, Pierced & Branded girlfriends do all that.
theGhost of Christmas Future!!
25 December 2106,
Urban-Village Legend theSam!! was found fast asleep in his New Mtn View Condo in theCity early this Christmas Mourn.
His fellow Condo owners / neighbors, “theNewKidsOnTheBlock” as theSam!! liked to call them, had last heard theSchnozzed one yelling loudly at his Sylvania tv set last night just after Winefeld- the Jery’s GranKidz episodes!! Podcast was on.
“usually if ‘theLoudLakota!!” wasn’t screaming at his old TV set, which by theWay had stopped working about 2 years after he bought it, he’d yell at us as if expecting us to sing and dance or something,” one Condo boy yawned via iPodHologram.
“like he expected us to rise up and stand up for something, but we were just content to sit back and iPod and Taco-King for the rest of our lives,
I just couldn’t understand it when he’d giggle at us and say we never had the right stuff,
those Old people are strange, like they come from another Century or something, say..... I gotta go now,
The Oldies Channels are showing commercials from 1990 to 2020, it‘s hard to believe that theSam!! lost 2 fingers to something called ‘MagicBullet food processor‘ “.
As many of you know about history since theOld days of 2006, when theSam!! first moved to Mtn View to begin life anew after being pummeled and afflicted by Village life for 2.5yrs, that iPod had pretty much swallowed up all competition after eating up Apple and getting hard on Microsof.
But all this was unknown to theSam!! after he bought some end-of-Century electronics and never got anything else after that.
It was reported that his old XPsystem was worth over 2 Mil and his old Presario & Sony laptops were half that amount too. But theSam!! didn’t care.
All he cared about was taking digital pictures with that stupid Mini-CD camera and that quaint Media phone.
theVPSO’dOne was known as theBlogFather of Village!! back in his days when he could see the 10 font and still type coherent sentences about “theVillageChixxx!!”, his stupid bicycle, his love of pizza, cheesecake and ice cream,
theSam!! was theMaster at Con-fusing quirky dance “rhythms” with Village Domestic Violins Black & “Blues” as he danced across theWorldWideWeb stage.
And later on in life he was also a master at confusing reality with his Blog!!
“It was freaky“, one anonymous commentator said about theDogSlayer’s writings.
“I’m wearing a paper bag over my head as I type this by the way and yet it feels so natural to do so.
It must be His Spirit that now afflicts us all STILL that makes me wear this paper bag, I just hope I don‘t get the urge to wear a Satin cape and a fake Tiara!! just like thePrincessSam!!”
Famed Blog postings from theMan in Brown (or RobinsEgg blue, SwatBlack, slabGray) included theVillage anthems; “How Dry I Am”, “(hit by) theLil BrownJug” and “I shot theSafety!!, but I did not shoot theVPO”
theLakotaSon was notably known for his spastic gyrations and glib utterances, habits that were rooted in a mysterious Piano-Keyboard accident he was in during fall of 2010 after his power cord shorted out while playing pentonic scales and sipping Pepsi at the same time.
It was rumored that one of theAlaskanPrincesses was involved in thePowerchord fiasco but none of theGirls would answer IM requests for interviews with us regarding the attempt on theMinstrelOfMintos!!.
Only Ms Mont McKennely had this to offer via Holo-Email-she slapped our faces. Wow, it had been over 100yrs since “some one” had high-marked her frigid curvy slopes on theMassage table and she still hadn’t forgiven herPractitioner!!
theSam!! inspired generations of Villagers alike starting in the ‘80’s, 90’s and theDoubleOtts!!
After he topped out at 220lbs his fan base thinned out a bit after he reached 250.
But theCokeBottleBottomedbeSpectacledOne was always optomes... optometc.. opthamologi...
Happy about Village life in theSlowLane!!
It was after a long climb through theDecades that theGodFather of Village!! decided to quit “Letting himself Go!!“ to pizza theHut and went back to his old haunting grounds at theKing!!
But such an important switch could not be made without first a quick trip to CarlsJr, you know, to transition more easily, stated BabyHughey!!
theK!! was that Other Big-headed character that emerged on theMedia scene sometime in yr 2005 or 6 and was also known to “sneak” around, drive small recreational vehicles really fast and do stunts all with a permanent smug expression on his swollen head.
Which is basically what any and all Villagers do Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall on SnowMachines, 4Wheelers, in stolen Cars and in RiverBoats, stated an old tattered VPSO report from theHipChick!! himself circa, 2001.
As many generations of Americans know by now, theKing evolved into an IRL pedophile and spent a few years in theSlammer. His creators tried valiantly to revive his Image.
As for theMalignedOne!! and his image, he only cared that you called him for dinner and that you put two / 2 exclamation marks behind his names!!, as theNativeOne only wished to be thought of as an explanation and often in 3rd person too.
And theK’s good friends Ronald, Wendy, Granpa Godfather, theTotino’s brothers, Aunt Jemima and even Betty Cracker and her lover MsButterWerths stood behind theKing!! but to no avail. I mean, really!!
They all stood behind him lest theK!! see them with those two circles that represented his Field-of-Vision!!
theKing just couldn’t stop SneakKing around and stalking people, the final straw was pulled when theKing made an attempt upon Jack Head’s boy, JackJr of Jak-n-theBox fame.
Poor lil’ Jak, his trust was broken and JH never forgave theKing for telling theReal reason why JH‘s head was so large and round.
It was due to that torrid affair with theFuture Mrs Wilson (of tennis ball fame) back in College when theKing and Jack Head were roomies and dated Ms. Wilson,
They took turns serving and volleying theHot CoEd back and forth across their Dorm room. Such was life and Secrets in theHigh Celeb circles of Food-dom.
But we’ll spare theSam!! the bad news regarding his Pedo-nemesis theKing , Post-Mortum!!, unbeknownst toSam!! theKing was killed in one of his silly video games in the year 2045
It seems that theKing was fragged , shot to death, in one of his iMovie Walk-in games that dominated theCenturyCinemas throughout theLand and not to mention, theKings burgered chain of restaurants.
It was rumored that theLone figure seen running away from one of theKing’s iMovie games had a large Nose and small beady eyes. We just didn’t make the connection between theSam!! and theKing!! until.... like... now.
Anyhow. Only ourSam!! could turn a typed word like “who?”, or “Village!!”, or whiny phrases like “hey Yoo!!”, “not Me!!”, and “watch you doin?” and turn them into something with multiple meanings.
Only his closest friends knew that he really meant, “who?” or was really asking “whatchoo doin?”
theJowledOne was a real turkey and he could prove it too with just one neck shake!!, yet often he would emphasis his accusations by “Peck-pecking” like a Chicken.
theSam!! was kind of Village slow at times, but could get flashy, especially with his feet, and only when he was late for work and had to move his feet to theBeat and cover 6, 8, or 10 miles across theCity.
Sometimes at street Intersections theSam!! would Jibber-Jabber to no-one in particular and jive like Michael (jackson, some white dude that could dance real good) and then feel his Crotch and slide theZipper up and down real fast, often doing the Same action with his heavy coat.
theSam!! confided to his journals once, that he was actually talking on his cell phone headset and when he felt cold “down there” he’d remember that after donning theUniforms of his work, putting on his Security vests, adjusting his pants, etc. That he often would forget to Zip his Fly!!
How embarrassing to go through a complete day of talking with people face to face, entertaining everyone at work and strangers alike and then go home to his Apt Condo and see his fly undone.
But inspite of his forgetfulness theGodFatherOfSole (whom earned theTitle because he walked all over theCity for many decades) never forgot to spray on his Hair from a Can and never ever forgot to comb it in place.
In quiet moments when cleaning his Glock, Ruger, Winchester, H&K weapons theSam!! would often pause in mid Chamber throat scrubbing or checking theGas block pins, that he would recollect his VPSO Academy days and shudder in horror as he remembered one Bald Recruit.
Then theSam!! would run to theBathroom and carefully spray hair onto theCrown of his Head.
No stiff winter wind, no fall breeze and certainly no jet engine blast (after a brief stint on theAirport flight line) ever disturbed “theDisturbedOne“s!! hair-do.
Yes sir, it was a great Life for theManInBrown!!
theSam!! earned many other nicknames, we’ll just include a couple of familiar monikers without profanity here and see if we can exhume some reasons why his Frenemiez aptly tagged him So!!
Son E. Boy!!, his MommyDearest labeled him this, she also called him “Adopted” too after his Blog first came out in the early 21st Century.
theSleep Machine!!, as he’d nod off to sleep while sitting, standing, walking, working and even eating!!
Mr. HevE.Wait!!, he was often finicky about others jabbing at his waistline which never rose above a svelte 40!! Honest!!
theVPS Oh-ist man in theVillage!!, aptly titled, this stemmed from his workdays in theVillage while in Uniform.
theGuardMeister, appropriate nick for the years when he worked at various security companies, the full name was shortened from “Guarding my Keester” to what it eventually was shortened to, theGM, as in theSecurity business there is No Security.
theSpoof!!, which pretty much summed up his entire existence, and when he was discussing pretty much anything.
Towards theEnd of his days theSpam!! was sad that he still hadn’t sold his Village to anyone, but he did Rent it out for a few decades every summer and for a few winters.
Such was life as theLast 2.5yrs of theInCoherentOne!!’s life slipped away, in between bites of Oatmeal Mush that was spoon fed to him by no less than 3 Gorgeous, Busty Nurses & a completely naked red-head CNA, theSam!! would quietly utter “Poof” and spit mush all over theClosestCleavage!!
“POOF” indeed was how theMusicDied fast asleep after watching yet another late night of Net-Infomercials, his depleted Credit cards and media phone clutched in hand.......
theCradleRobber!! would just love babies of all kinds, except for those tiny yappy dogs owned by Old people & Cute, Hot young ladies alike.
Indeed it was Security camera footage at theOld Airport terminals that caught theMaskedOne entertaining a group of cranky kids after they traveled all the way to AK from Florida.
It wasn’t his “dropping” some blue colored handballs and “shivering” in theCold that got everyone’s attention. It wasn’t his ability to make his scarf come to life and dance at his feet, it wasn’t his Otter or Seal puppets that came out of his heavy winter coat that got the kids to laughing.
It was the moment when theSam!! walked away, his head was wrapped up in his black scarf, his lower field of vision was obscured and he really DID trip over a step that led up to theSmoker Booth.
Poor boy, he limped for weeks after banging his knees and wrist on the pavement!!
And theIncumbentOne!! was still touchy after eventually losing an esteemed political Village Post to a small Yappy dog and a BagOfLeaves too.
As for his penchant for all things young, female and Hot. theHairburner!! could talk any female into his Salon chair and/or onto his MassageTable or onto his MassageChair.
Shape their Minds andBehinds!! like putty-was a slogan of his. Touching hearts, minds, boobz and buttz!!
theMiracleOfMtnView!!, Yes, it was a miracle on Ghetto St that theTallOne!! wasn’t mugged or assaulted during his stay in theHood. But an undercover Hooker did throw rocks at him one summer and inspite of his electronic toys draining thePowerSupply of North anchorage, no fires ravaged his Apt house.
theBlightOfAnchorage!!, as some Anchoragites called him, and other Citizens named him “theMenaceOn36th Street”, as he would haunt theBig K store and theOld community Library that once stood on 36th street. It seemed that where ever “theGodFatherOfSole” would walk, trouble was sure to follow.
As after one of his teen girlfriends (Trouble!!) got out of Jail she continued to pester theLightOfHerLife!!
Those were good days of 2005, and how appropriate that the Man-called-Mark who was Mayor- when theSam!! moved to Old anchorage- hasn’t aged a day in spite of the fact that the beloved Mayor passed away over 60 yrs ago. Mayor B, we hardly knew ye!!
theTarnishedTiara!!, s/he was often called derisive nicks by clients and cow-workers alike during his exploits into theTourism Industry.
His most notable nay-sayers being theGang of Glamour-aka theAlaskanPrincesses!! once made theSam!! dress up in cute Moose costume for her cottage industry clients every summer.
After theSam!! left theEmploy of herHighness thePrincess!! he often wondered if this TT name shouldn’t have been given to that one Sweet girl from theMidwest that stayed out of trouble until theLast month of theSummer tourist season,
when she went completely wild, drank like a fish and cursed like a sailor. Part of Sam’s sadness was seeing such goodness go to waste like that.
Other nicks slung at him by fellow Tourist industry frenemiez and fans alike included, theElimiTator!! in reference to eating plate after plate of theAlaskanPrincess’s heaping helpings of breakfast tator tots.
More Nicknames during theWonderful life of theSam!!
theBride?! OfAlask....er. Nebraska!!, theSalmon-ChantedOne!!, thePiedPiperOfVillage!!,
theGiverOfCitations!!, theJackBootedThug!!, theVillageJug!! or Hug, or Uhgh!!
thePainfullyObvioused!!, theHumorImpaired!!, theBrokenRecord!!, theBrokeDown!!
theRubber-GlovedOne!!, theCarImpounder!!, theIntoxilyzer!! or theBreathalyzer!!
theEyes-n-Ears!!, theNose!!, theBefore!!, theAfter!! even theDuring!!
theRedundant!!, theFluke!!, theHundredDollarNails!!, theBadHaircut!!, theHissyFit!!
theAuthenticAlask..Nebraskan!!, theNoContestPlea-er!!, theHospitalized!!, theGallStoned!!
theVagued!!, theCourtOrdered!!, theMeet&Beat!!, theOverTime!!, theUnderPayed!!
theSpectacle!!, theAltercation!!, thePurveyorOfPurposelessness-essesesness!!
theClutteredRoom!!, theOutOfBounds!!, theInCuffs&Custody!!, theSimpleMind!!,
theAffordable!!, theFrontDesk!!, theUnderstated!!, theMisQuoted!!, theJobSeeker!! and often also called theUnemployed!!
Rumors persist that at times theSam!! was also called, theDriveThrough!!, theCashier!! and theJanitor!!
to include, theDental!!, theMental!!! but not theFiscal or theManager, and further more he was called.....the
Mehh..... We may as well stop while we’re still alive.
All kooky names aside that labeled their longest living tenant, it was theJamaican Landlady’s two living great grand daughters that finally called theSam!! “a Packrat“, as over 80 yrs of crap was in his 10x8 Condo room.
As for theSam!!’s beloved contributions to Aska Villaged Public Safety via his YVC Inc (doh!!) organization, there were more Villages that sprang up in theYVC Inc (doh!!) nether regions and Beyond.
TheVariousVillages that banded together into small regions and had aptly named acronyms named after the first letters of each village name like:
Hooligans, Hooters, Breasts, HipsnThighs, NativeWhite,
Imbibe, Importation, Kissing Cousins and HalfBreed, etc.
Had expanded to such groups that were named:
What!! Me, Worry!?, and What!!, Me, Work?!, and the never-do-Wells of Native Financial Entitlements!!
And there was theUppity Village consortium group that looked down their Coke-glazed noses at everyone else-TeenRunAways!! who always fought with their close neighbors, Extended Adolescence & Blonde Dindinz!!
All those fiesty new Villages that are too numerous to mention would have taken YVC Inc (doh!!) straight off theNet if it weren’t for those ninnies that formed theGroups such as : NancyBoys, CryingJags, Pout!! and EstrogenWithaHandgun!!
All theVillages took the news of their Founders “eventual” passing by talking over theBad news that was being delivered and Changing theSubject all without stopping their govt funds applications writing and typing up more Resolutions against their respective VPSO’s!!
Even theGropingOne!!’s bevy of Hand-maiden Nurses all sighed in disappointment and quit fluffing up their pillows, as they were getting tired of cleaning up Oatmeal-Mush.
Oh well, it was business as usual and quite frankly, just exactly as how theIgnoredOne would have wanted it anyway.
theDeceased!! had one final wish, that he be kept close to what he loved theMostest!!.
His Cremains would be processed and added to Salinized Gel Breast Implants!!
Then all Hot, cute Winners of a Special Scholarship would be Breast Implanted 3000cc and beyond and always have theHand!! close by.
For it can be truly said, that theHand that Rocked / Arrested / Investigated / Supported / Led theVillage was theHand that Ruled theWorld!!
doh!!
theSam!! 1967 to 2206
And Finally!!
Man, it took long enough to get through the Fictitious Future Obit that was inspired by the recent passing of JamesBrown. JB lived in America and so do I!!
I’ve got a couple of serious notes to start off the Jan 2007 Blog, then I’ll throw in some more Wit and Wisdom for those of you that like to Travel. You’ll thank me after you read theUpcoming material titled,
theSam!!’s Ultimate Guide to Flying theFriendly Skies!!
You’ll see yourself, or at least your Boss, your Mother, your CoWorkers in theObservations I’ll make regarding travelers these days.
Trust me on this, if anyone that is anyone flies here in Alaska they all have to go through theAnchorage airport.
I know, I once worked there, lived, slept, ate, worked, lived, slept, ate....
Until then, Live Damnit!!
theVillage!!
Ever thing i lernt bout Life I lernd from my Kintergarten Class. Don’t belive me?? Just red on!!
Finances,
Gren is the fist color that we learn from Primary Color weel.
Even though a Patsy white is actully the first color we eve see in Life like my Pasty white Mom’s brasts, our white Nitive dads, our White Naive relives,
but that’s a given, we learn that Gren peces of paper wit numbers on tem mean th World to us.
And mother and her shapely figue she goes after theGuys in theVilag that work and earn theMostest gren piece of paper. Mom calls the biggest, big bills theBen jammun’s.
Our frst year in schull we learn that the armor Cop in theVillage or Safey Oficer also has lots of “Money”,
He goes hom to his house at end of each day and stuffs his matress, his cloze bag and shovvls money into his pickup twuck, at least that what Mom thinks and that’s wat the bigge 4th grad kids tell us anyways.
It lest that onne gurl in 4th grid nos whatt she ssas becoz she wuz marrid to a Pulic Safe oficr once, Thar son is allso in my scul class and he is relly a crybaby,
One day in scool my older cuzin asked theCop, who was substie teacher and making more Money by working at scool!, (> and sping on his wif nd keds too) if she and me cod play with theCashBox.
After my older cosin start to cry and stomp her foot theCop finlly said yes, and so we got to play with toy money.
Enfact, it sems that every girlfend of the Cop alwaay ware his tee shirts and cry and stomp ther feet to get his a tenshon and to git mmmonye from him.
Evry kid in school has learnd how to count add and stuff by using tis play money.In fact, we learn this befor we evr lern the numbers and alphabit letes on the bord. Its every schhul grls drem to gro up and to evenshully be counting reel mone, the Pulic Safe Oficerz money!!
In fact, we learn this befor we evr lern the numbers and alphabit letes on the bord.
Somtms dad bings home bottls of wiske and sels dem to other villgrs, dad says that eech botl is bot for 10 two twenee dolarz but he sels them for fiftee dollrs ro mor!
One tim my dad bougt my oldr anty for two hundde dolars, they hugd and kassed and pressd tummies reel hard and my antee screemeda an.....
OW!!!!
sorry mom.
Love,
On tim my mommy let theCop kiss her for two hun....OW!!!!
sorrymom.
My nee littl broddr looks like thCop and OWW!!! sorry mom!!
Hi I’m Josie Cuervo and i can explain about love.
To me boys are icky and I hat them. I guess thats what love Isn’t. But if a boy picks on me all day at school and shoves me against the wall and doesn’t talk to me I guess thats love too.
My dad does that to mom a lot, at home every time he drinks.
Even the VPSO comes over and Loves my dad in return, you should see the grin on his face as he shocks my dad and then handcuffs him and takes him to theCity for a few months.
I guess thats what theCop means when he says that he loves his work. he must luv my older cousinns too as he arrests them a lot.
When I see that my grandma makes the best cooks. cokies in the village and the VPSO just show up out of nowwere and visits and talks a lot and eats up grandmas cookies, I guess that is love for grandmas cookees!
Yesterday when I visited my grandpas dog yard, I nelt down by Blazers house and I peeked inside, She had 7 puppees with her.
I guess that is love when you like cute sled dog pups. They have cute dog breath and small heads and tiny faces.
And my older sister Angel just crushes on theCop big time. She alwys wants to ride around with...
What?!! stop it..........
cut it out............ Mom!!! Angels hiting...
Now my teen girls are fighting. Guess I can’t have any of them step on over to theKeyboard and say a few words about Fashion, Music, Hard Work etc.
Their mom took off, but I’ll find her later on when I go patrol theVillage!! I found her drinking with her friends last weekend and they all got theCar stuck in the snow last month. (sigh) I always find my angels.
I’ve noticed that all the things we first knew of Life we first experienced in a Kintergarten environment, and each year after that it was the Same thing just that everyone was one year older.
I’ll close this Topic with something from me, about what I learned of Life from my Kintergartners.
Village Pecking Order,
when I lived on a farm as a child, I would watch the tiny chicks run around behind the Mother hen and always the biggest chick was right behind and then the next biggest chick etc until the smallest chick was last.
Same thing with the geese that Granma fed each day out by the Country house.
Always, always it was the biggest and often theMost aggressive of the geese that got the most food and even the Big dogs that weighed 100lbs were afraid of 10 or 20lb geese.
Well, years later and I end up in theVillage here in Alaska and in similar fashion I see the same pecking order amongst the villagers but this time things were different in an odd way.
It was the Same Elders, the Old ones, that wielded the power and authority in theVillage, but it was often the most Shortest, meanest, most wrinkled Elder who’s swollen gnarled hands that held the Biggest, rugged looking Diamond Willow cane that held ALL thePower.
It was theElders that were God to the Villagers, when ever an argument or dispute happened and an Elder stepped into the fray minutes or even Days after the event.
It was like a natural disaster or some other earth shaking event had taken place and had changed the very soul and countenance of all dispute attendees.
When an elder spoke, everyone listened. And in the schools the kids picked up on that fact.
Whom ever had the Oldest most meanest Grandma or Grandpa had complete run of the school and often controlled the school teachers as well.
Perhaps that’s why theSchool district was quick to accept my participation in the school events and even begged me to stand in a few hours each day for the kids.
A short week turned into months and months into years and eventually I saw some Kintergartners graduate high school, go off to college and I even took care of their little ones in school as well.
Over the years. Nothing had changed at all, it was who had the Most $, the most Toys and theEldest of relatives.
And where was I amongst the Line of clamoring Villagers all vying for attention and favor??
I went out to theDump one day during my 2nd year of Employment in theVillage and cut up some 2” steel piping that some Village workman had thrown away from renovating some Village-Leaders houses.
I made two 3’ long sections and wrapped them in 1/4” foam and wrapped that in black electricians tape.
I even capped the ends and dressed them up neatly and kept those pipes in my patrol vehicle.
And always, when ever I went to some Domestic call or other assault in theVillage I took at least one pipe with me.
Nobody bothered me at all after a week, eventually even theElders all smiled at me and would shake their Diamond Willow canes “hello” at me or else double tap the floor or ground as they walked past me.
That was the highest sign of respect one could get from an Elder. That and the fact that I carried no less than 5 grand upon my person during my highest paid hey days in theVillage.
I helped support the school kids functions, I bought gas for a few families and Elders too, I helped support the Elders fund each month too.
I even had funds to feed my hungry Guns too, the more Ammo they ate, the more accurate they became and soon, even word got back to me that some people were scared to act up in theVillage.
Good, because at least I was scaring the Right people and helping to protect the Good people.
The pecking order hasn’t changed much since I left theVillage, it’s the Same everywhere, even in theBig city too.
But I don’t want to cap / Grill my teeth, slap tats on my body and get a Ghetto car that will shake and hop by remote control at car shows or via Internet....
I let my Hoodie-Clad, Pierced & Branded girlfriends do all that.
theGhost of Christmas Future!!
25 December 2106,
Urban-Village Legend theSam!! was found fast asleep in his New Mtn View Condo in theCity early this Christmas Mourn.
His fellow Condo owners / neighbors, “theNewKidsOnTheBlock” as theSam!! liked to call them, had last heard theSchnozzed one yelling loudly at his Sylvania tv set last night just after Winefeld- the Jery’s GranKidz episodes!! Podcast was on.
“usually if ‘theLoudLakota!!” wasn’t screaming at his old TV set, which by theWay had stopped working about 2 years after he bought it, he’d yell at us as if expecting us to sing and dance or something,” one Condo boy yawned via iPodHologram.
“like he expected us to rise up and stand up for something, but we were just content to sit back and iPod and Taco-King for the rest of our lives,
I just couldn’t understand it when he’d giggle at us and say we never had the right stuff,
those Old people are strange, like they come from another Century or something, say..... I gotta go now,
The Oldies Channels are showing commercials from 1990 to 2020, it‘s hard to believe that theSam!! lost 2 fingers to something called ‘MagicBullet food processor‘ “.
As many of you know about history since theOld days of 2006, when theSam!! first moved to Mtn View to begin life anew after being pummeled and afflicted by Village life for 2.5yrs, that iPod had pretty much swallowed up all competition after eating up Apple and getting hard on Microsof.
But all this was unknown to theSam!! after he bought some end-of-Century electronics and never got anything else after that.
It was reported that his old XPsystem was worth over 2 Mil and his old Presario & Sony laptops were half that amount too. But theSam!! didn’t care.
All he cared about was taking digital pictures with that stupid Mini-CD camera and that quaint Media phone.
theVPSO’dOne was known as theBlogFather of Village!! back in his days when he could see the 10 font and still type coherent sentences about “theVillageChixxx!!”, his stupid bicycle, his love of pizza, cheesecake and ice cream,
theSam!! was theMaster at Con-fusing quirky dance “rhythms” with Village Domestic Violins Black & “Blues” as he danced across theWorldWideWeb stage.
And later on in life he was also a master at confusing reality with his Blog!!
“It was freaky“, one anonymous commentator said about theDogSlayer’s writings.
“I’m wearing a paper bag over my head as I type this by the way and yet it feels so natural to do so.
It must be His Spirit that now afflicts us all STILL that makes me wear this paper bag, I just hope I don‘t get the urge to wear a Satin cape and a fake Tiara!! just like thePrincessSam!!”
Famed Blog postings from theMan in Brown (or RobinsEgg blue, SwatBlack, slabGray) included theVillage anthems; “How Dry I Am”, “(hit by) theLil BrownJug” and “I shot theSafety!!, but I did not shoot theVPO”
theLakotaSon was notably known for his spastic gyrations and glib utterances, habits that were rooted in a mysterious Piano-Keyboard accident he was in during fall of 2010 after his power cord shorted out while playing pentonic scales and sipping Pepsi at the same time.
It was rumored that one of theAlaskanPrincesses was involved in thePowerchord fiasco but none of theGirls would answer IM requests for interviews with us regarding the attempt on theMinstrelOfMintos!!.
Only Ms Mont McKennely had this to offer via Holo-Email-she slapped our faces. Wow, it had been over 100yrs since “some one” had high-marked her frigid curvy slopes on theMassage table and she still hadn’t forgiven herPractitioner!!
theSam!! inspired generations of Villagers alike starting in the ‘80’s, 90’s and theDoubleOtts!!
After he topped out at 220lbs his fan base thinned out a bit after he reached 250.
But theCokeBottleBottomedbeSpectacledOne was always optomes... optometc.. opthamologi...
Happy about Village life in theSlowLane!!
It was after a long climb through theDecades that theGodFather of Village!! decided to quit “Letting himself Go!!“ to pizza theHut and went back to his old haunting grounds at theKing!!
But such an important switch could not be made without first a quick trip to CarlsJr, you know, to transition more easily, stated BabyHughey!!
theK!! was that Other Big-headed character that emerged on theMedia scene sometime in yr 2005 or 6 and was also known to “sneak” around, drive small recreational vehicles really fast and do stunts all with a permanent smug expression on his swollen head.
Which is basically what any and all Villagers do Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall on SnowMachines, 4Wheelers, in stolen Cars and in RiverBoats, stated an old tattered VPSO report from theHipChick!! himself circa, 2001.
As many generations of Americans know by now, theKing evolved into an IRL pedophile and spent a few years in theSlammer. His creators tried valiantly to revive his Image.
As for theMalignedOne!! and his image, he only cared that you called him for dinner and that you put two / 2 exclamation marks behind his names!!, as theNativeOne only wished to be thought of as an explanation and often in 3rd person too.
And theK’s good friends Ronald, Wendy, Granpa Godfather, theTotino’s brothers, Aunt Jemima and even Betty Cracker and her lover MsButterWerths stood behind theKing!! but to no avail. I mean, really!!
They all stood behind him lest theK!! see them with those two circles that represented his Field-of-Vision!!
theKing just couldn’t stop SneakKing around and stalking people, the final straw was pulled when theKing made an attempt upon Jack Head’s boy, JackJr of Jak-n-theBox fame.
Poor lil’ Jak, his trust was broken and JH never forgave theKing for telling theReal reason why JH‘s head was so large and round.
It was due to that torrid affair with theFuture Mrs Wilson (of tennis ball fame) back in College when theKing and Jack Head were roomies and dated Ms. Wilson,
They took turns serving and volleying theHot CoEd back and forth across their Dorm room. Such was life and Secrets in theHigh Celeb circles of Food-dom.
But we’ll spare theSam!! the bad news regarding his Pedo-nemesis theKing , Post-Mortum!!, unbeknownst toSam!! theKing was killed in one of his silly video games in the year 2045
It seems that theKing was fragged , shot to death, in one of his iMovie Walk-in games that dominated theCenturyCinemas throughout theLand and not to mention, theKings burgered chain of restaurants.
It was rumored that theLone figure seen running away from one of theKing’s iMovie games had a large Nose and small beady eyes. We just didn’t make the connection between theSam!! and theKing!! until.... like... now.
Anyhow. Only ourSam!! could turn a typed word like “who?”, or “Village!!”, or whiny phrases like “hey Yoo!!”, “not Me!!”, and “watch you doin?” and turn them into something with multiple meanings.
Only his closest friends knew that he really meant, “who?” or was really asking “whatchoo doin?”
theJowledOne was a real turkey and he could prove it too with just one neck shake!!, yet often he would emphasis his accusations by “Peck-pecking” like a Chicken.
theSam!! was kind of Village slow at times, but could get flashy, especially with his feet, and only when he was late for work and had to move his feet to theBeat and cover 6, 8, or 10 miles across theCity.
Sometimes at street Intersections theSam!! would Jibber-Jabber to no-one in particular and jive like Michael (jackson, some white dude that could dance real good) and then feel his Crotch and slide theZipper up and down real fast, often doing the Same action with his heavy coat.
theSam!! confided to his journals once, that he was actually talking on his cell phone headset and when he felt cold “down there” he’d remember that after donning theUniforms of his work, putting on his Security vests, adjusting his pants, etc. That he often would forget to Zip his Fly!!
How embarrassing to go through a complete day of talking with people face to face, entertaining everyone at work and strangers alike and then go home to his Apt Condo and see his fly undone.
But inspite of his forgetfulness theGodFatherOfSole (whom earned theTitle because he walked all over theCity for many decades) never forgot to spray on his Hair from a Can and never ever forgot to comb it in place.
In quiet moments when cleaning his Glock, Ruger, Winchester, H&K weapons theSam!! would often pause in mid Chamber throat scrubbing or checking theGas block pins, that he would recollect his VPSO Academy days and shudder in horror as he remembered one Bald Recruit.
Then theSam!! would run to theBathroom and carefully spray hair onto theCrown of his Head.
No stiff winter wind, no fall breeze and certainly no jet engine blast (after a brief stint on theAirport flight line) ever disturbed “theDisturbedOne“s!! hair-do.
Yes sir, it was a great Life for theManInBrown!!
theSam!! earned many other nicknames, we’ll just include a couple of familiar monikers without profanity here and see if we can exhume some reasons why his Frenemiez aptly tagged him So!!
Son E. Boy!!, his MommyDearest labeled him this, she also called him “Adopted” too after his Blog first came out in the early 21st Century.
theSleep Machine!!, as he’d nod off to sleep while sitting, standing, walking, working and even eating!!
Mr. HevE.Wait!!, he was often finicky about others jabbing at his waistline which never rose above a svelte 40!! Honest!!
theVPS Oh-ist man in theVillage!!, aptly titled, this stemmed from his workdays in theVillage while in Uniform.
theGuardMeister, appropriate nick for the years when he worked at various security companies, the full name was shortened from “Guarding my Keester” to what it eventually was shortened to, theGM, as in theSecurity business there is No Security.
theSpoof!!, which pretty much summed up his entire existence, and when he was discussing pretty much anything.
Towards theEnd of his days theSpam!! was sad that he still hadn’t sold his Village to anyone, but he did Rent it out for a few decades every summer and for a few winters.
Such was life as theLast 2.5yrs of theInCoherentOne!!’s life slipped away, in between bites of Oatmeal Mush that was spoon fed to him by no less than 3 Gorgeous, Busty Nurses & a completely naked red-head CNA, theSam!! would quietly utter “Poof” and spit mush all over theClosestCleavage!!
“POOF” indeed was how theMusicDied fast asleep after watching yet another late night of Net-Infomercials, his depleted Credit cards and media phone clutched in hand.......
theCradleRobber!! would just love babies of all kinds, except for those tiny yappy dogs owned by Old people & Cute, Hot young ladies alike.
Indeed it was Security camera footage at theOld Airport terminals that caught theMaskedOne entertaining a group of cranky kids after they traveled all the way to AK from Florida.
It wasn’t his “dropping” some blue colored handballs and “shivering” in theCold that got everyone’s attention. It wasn’t his ability to make his scarf come to life and dance at his feet, it wasn’t his Otter or Seal puppets that came out of his heavy winter coat that got the kids to laughing.
It was the moment when theSam!! walked away, his head was wrapped up in his black scarf, his lower field of vision was obscured and he really DID trip over a step that led up to theSmoker Booth.
Poor boy, he limped for weeks after banging his knees and wrist on the pavement!!
And theIncumbentOne!! was still touchy after eventually losing an esteemed political Village Post to a small Yappy dog and a BagOfLeaves too.
As for his penchant for all things young, female and Hot. theHairburner!! could talk any female into his Salon chair and/or onto his MassageTable or onto his MassageChair.
Shape their Minds andBehinds!! like putty-was a slogan of his. Touching hearts, minds, boobz and buttz!!
theMiracleOfMtnView!!, Yes, it was a miracle on Ghetto St that theTallOne!! wasn’t mugged or assaulted during his stay in theHood. But an undercover Hooker did throw rocks at him one summer and inspite of his electronic toys draining thePowerSupply of North anchorage, no fires ravaged his Apt house.
theBlightOfAnchorage!!, as some Anchoragites called him, and other Citizens named him “theMenaceOn36th Street”, as he would haunt theBig K store and theOld community Library that once stood on 36th street. It seemed that where ever “theGodFatherOfSole” would walk, trouble was sure to follow.
As after one of his teen girlfriends (Trouble!!) got out of Jail she continued to pester theLightOfHerLife!!
Those were good days of 2005, and how appropriate that the Man-called-Mark who was Mayor- when theSam!! moved to Old anchorage- hasn’t aged a day in spite of the fact that the beloved Mayor passed away over 60 yrs ago. Mayor B, we hardly knew ye!!
theTarnishedTiara!!, s/he was often called derisive nicks by clients and cow-workers alike during his exploits into theTourism Industry.
His most notable nay-sayers being theGang of Glamour-aka theAlaskanPrincesses!! once made theSam!! dress up in cute Moose costume for her cottage industry clients every summer.
After theSam!! left theEmploy of herHighness thePrincess!! he often wondered if this TT name shouldn’t have been given to that one Sweet girl from theMidwest that stayed out of trouble until theLast month of theSummer tourist season,
when she went completely wild, drank like a fish and cursed like a sailor. Part of Sam’s sadness was seeing such goodness go to waste like that.
Other nicks slung at him by fellow Tourist industry frenemiez and fans alike included, theElimiTator!! in reference to eating plate after plate of theAlaskanPrincess’s heaping helpings of breakfast tator tots.
More Nicknames during theWonderful life of theSam!!
theBride?! OfAlask....er. Nebraska!!, theSalmon-ChantedOne!!, thePiedPiperOfVillage!!,
theGiverOfCitations!!, theJackBootedThug!!, theVillageJug!! or Hug, or Uhgh!!
thePainfullyObvioused!!, theHumorImpaired!!, theBrokenRecord!!, theBrokeDown!!
theRubber-GlovedOne!!, theCarImpounder!!, theIntoxilyzer!! or theBreathalyzer!!
theEyes-n-Ears!!, theNose!!, theBefore!!, theAfter!! even theDuring!!
theRedundant!!, theFluke!!, theHundredDollarNails!!, theBadHaircut!!, theHissyFit!!
theAuthenticAlask..Nebraskan!!, theNoContestPlea-er!!, theHospitalized!!, theGallStoned!!
theVagued!!, theCourtOrdered!!, theMeet&Beat!!, theOverTime!!, theUnderPayed!!
theSpectacle!!, theAltercation!!, thePurveyorOfPurposelessness-essesesness!!
theClutteredRoom!!, theOutOfBounds!!, theInCuffs&Custody!!, theSimpleMind!!,
theAffordable!!, theFrontDesk!!, theUnderstated!!, theMisQuoted!!, theJobSeeker!! and often also called theUnemployed!!
Rumors persist that at times theSam!! was also called, theDriveThrough!!, theCashier!! and theJanitor!!
to include, theDental!!, theMental!!! but not theFiscal or theManager, and further more he was called.....the
Mehh..... We may as well stop while we’re still alive.
All kooky names aside that labeled their longest living tenant, it was theJamaican Landlady’s two living great grand daughters that finally called theSam!! “a Packrat“, as over 80 yrs of crap was in his 10x8 Condo room.
As for theSam!!’s beloved contributions to Aska Villaged Public Safety via his YVC Inc (doh!!) organization, there were more Villages that sprang up in theYVC Inc (doh!!) nether regions and Beyond.
TheVariousVillages that banded together into small regions and had aptly named acronyms named after the first letters of each village name like:
Hooligans, Hooters, Breasts, HipsnThighs, NativeWhite,
Imbibe, Importation, Kissing Cousins and HalfBreed, etc.
Had expanded to such groups that were named:
What!! Me, Worry!?, and What!!, Me, Work?!, and the never-do-Wells of Native Financial Entitlements!!
And there was theUppity Village consortium group that looked down their Coke-glazed noses at everyone else-TeenRunAways!! who always fought with their close neighbors, Extended Adolescence & Blonde Dindinz!!
All those fiesty new Villages that are too numerous to mention would have taken YVC Inc (doh!!) straight off theNet if it weren’t for those ninnies that formed theGroups such as : NancyBoys, CryingJags, Pout!! and EstrogenWithaHandgun!!
All theVillages took the news of their Founders “eventual” passing by talking over theBad news that was being delivered and Changing theSubject all without stopping their govt funds applications writing and typing up more Resolutions against their respective VPSO’s!!
Even theGropingOne!!’s bevy of Hand-maiden Nurses all sighed in disappointment and quit fluffing up their pillows, as they were getting tired of cleaning up Oatmeal-Mush.
Oh well, it was business as usual and quite frankly, just exactly as how theIgnoredOne would have wanted it anyway.
theDeceased!! had one final wish, that he be kept close to what he loved theMostest!!.
His Cremains would be processed and added to Salinized Gel Breast Implants!!
Then all Hot, cute Winners of a Special Scholarship would be Breast Implanted 3000cc and beyond and always have theHand!! close by.
For it can be truly said, that theHand that Rocked / Arrested / Investigated / Supported / Led theVillage was theHand that Ruled theWorld!!
doh!!
theSam!! 1967 to 2206
And Finally!!
Man, it took long enough to get through the Fictitious Future Obit that was inspired by the recent passing of JamesBrown. JB lived in America and so do I!!
I’ve got a couple of serious notes to start off the Jan 2007 Blog, then I’ll throw in some more Wit and Wisdom for those of you that like to Travel. You’ll thank me after you read theUpcoming material titled,
theSam!!’s Ultimate Guide to Flying theFriendly Skies!!
You’ll see yourself, or at least your Boss, your Mother, your CoWorkers in theObservations I’ll make regarding travelers these days.
Trust me on this, if anyone that is anyone flies here in Alaska they all have to go through theAnchorage airport.
I know, I once worked there, lived, slept, ate, worked, lived, slept, ate....
Until then, Live Damnit!!
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