All I Wanted For Christmas!!.....
ALL I WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS!!
.....was
-A System upgrade of satellite, tivo and theBrittany Channel.
600Gigs of memory card, a Laser Range finder, a Universal tv Remote, FM / XM radio capabilities, IM / Email and IRL video teleconferencing with Straight-to-Blog access, built in Karoke machine, and disco-Neon backlighting on theInterface screen all on my Kyocera Media phone!!
-A break from the Patrol route scene without having to memorize 500 Departure and Arrival flights,
without having to know who works where and in What dept,
without having to walk 12 miles a day to and from work....in the falling snow,
without having to endure 5 hours of traffic safety videos and having to dress like a stupid traffic cone,
without having theAirport Police look down on me and theAirport Dispatch ignore me,
I’m going back to Patrol.
-A replacement for every sock and t-shirt & BVD set that I’ve lost in theApt House laundry machines.
I just know that somewhere else just on theOther side, theFar Side, of theNext Minute is an alternate Universe where all the Homeless and mismatched socks go to, including all T shirts, undies, sweaters, jeans and theOccasional misplaced Candy bar and cookie.
I know, I’ve lost all of these items at one time or another. Yet funny how that cheap $.05 bubble gum or any kind of chewing gum never even starts to break down in theWash or in theHot Dryer, Why is that?
-A moments peace from being stalked by theAlaskanPrincess!!
one day while doing dismounted patrol of an Medical Arts building I stepped outside to make Report Notes and there in the parking lot was HerThighness just gently rolling, swaying, undulating, perkily bobbing on by.
She was driving one of her Luxury coaches, a 10 wheeled Caterpillar powered, straightline drive shifting, 10 ton piece of state of theArt machinery that hauled over 60 of her Well-heeled Tourists in comfort and ease.
Each seat on each bus was easily worth $10,000 minimum for a 5 day (minimum) deluxe tour package.
Each Luxery Coach seat was Eazy-Chair spacious, had plenty of leg-room, boasted 12”x18” movie screens in every seat back so that each Tourist could watch Satellite or else surf theWeb while on the go.
And to make matters worse, as specified succinctly by theAlaskanPrincess!!, each LC had a full Wet bar / Deli / Espresso stand AND Gift Shop.
ThePrincess!! went ALL theWay when it came to spoiling her Clients, in fact, each LC’s restroom was fully self-contained, well-stocked and boasted a Bidet!!
It was rumored that a few of theAlaskanPrincess guests NEVER even left theLC once they stepped on, as each spacious seat became a recliner bed and one could draw thePrivacy Curtains around them. Hey.. like... Whatever theGuest wants, it happens!!
And to ‘Round” out thePackage Scenery ON theBus, each hot young attendant (a full-bodied, endowed crew of 6, and theDriver made 7.
Each Driver didn’t need an Airbag in case of accident due to being generously Endowed!) kept busy by attending to the LC occupants.
Yeppers, I’ve seen it all and 2007 would be the year that thePrincess would unveil a new line of Luxery Coaches complete with 2 decks instead of just One, an Oyster bar, a mini health spa with Sauna and jacuzzi, a full salon & day spa, and a Heli-pad on the back of theLC too with Custom Bell Flight-seeing fully-armed Gun-ships while theBus was On-the-Move!!
The premise for the Flight Excursions was as theLC cruised down the Highway, you see a large pristine glacier nestled in theBosom of the Mountains.
Wanna see it? Just run your Credit-card / CC and a spastic-Shaken Vietnam era chopper combat pilot would soon put you and 2 buddies on theGlacier for a quick walk around and within minutes you’d be back on theBus!!
See an untouched snow covered Mountain peak just up around theBend? Just run theCC and within minutes you and 2 friends are skiing down theBunny slopes and meeting theChopper at theBottom of the run.
Need to get away from it All for awhile and at the end of your Camping vacation you “Catch theNext Bus” back to Civilization??
Has theAlaskanPrincess got a new Tourist program package for you!! Just run your CC......
Or else elevate your senses to 10,000ft / 2 miles or perhaps 15,000ft / 3 miles and Hop & Pop and parachute ride in peaceful solitude over Paradise and land on theMoving Bus.
Whether solo or tandem parachute riding with a friend you get to enjoy the extras of having your jump filmed live and your own Helmet cam captures every spontaneous excited utterance made by you, whether it‘s your scenic flight tour or else your last terrified moments on earth.(trust theSam!!, he knows the Hop and Pop)
Your choice of Vietnam, Panama, Bosnian-Serb, Desert Storm-Persian Gulf or any recent GWOT pilot is limited to thePrincess’s stock on hand, as most rotor pilots tend to want to fly fast and L-O-W.
yes, yes, I’ve seen it all when I once worked for herHighness and that isn’t what caught my attention the other day when my entire being was riveted upon the sudden intrusion of theLC.
What was so fascinating to see was during the 2nd time that I had to focus my attentions upon theLC parked in the Medical Arts Bldg parking lot.
I was briefly called away for a moment after I first noticed theLC and after helping some MAB tenants with their questions I then walked over to theLC.
I approached theLC from the right side, saw that theAlaskanPrincess was seated behind theWheel filling out trip reports or something on her lucite clipboard, and as I walked closer to theLC she tossed her hair over the Right side of her face and started to turn away from me-hiding her face.
So I walked around front of theLC and thePrincess kept on turning her head. As I kept walking around theLC to stand on the left side of the immense Idling machine, theAlaskanPrincess head still kept turning. I noticed that the body of the Driver still sat in the drivers seat as normal.
The cute funsy grease pencil “Mosquito Bingo!) sketch on the Right side of the Windscreen was still there. Such whimsical road-games were fun and frivolous play things for the bus passengers that sat up front and enjoyed the scenery coming at them-what they were driving by.
And during theWinter months when there were no mosquitos or other flying bugs to randomly hit the “Bingo” game outline drawn upon theGlass,
thePrincess played “Moose”quito Bingo or in theCity, it was anything similar to Grand Theft Auto (theRacing shoot-’em-up computer games)
I noticed the High-Def dash mounted digital Camcorders that were in place, one pointing ahead at the road in front of theLC and the other pointed back into theLC interior.
theAlaskanPrincess was always one to want to keep in touch IRL / in real life with her many Luxery Coaches, her chain of Lodges, Resorts, Casinos and pretty much anything else that she owned, operated, controlled, ran and had even a small percentage of interest in-in theState.
I saw the spacious, cluttered and yet Busy panel display that was available for theDriver to use, monitor and access from the driver seat. When the Bus clients were sleeping, carousing, partying with the Crew Gals, the Driver of theLC was in a world of her own as she drove down the highway.
Personal mini-bar, mini fridge, microwave, a 19” tv monitor and full media hookups too, as many of thePrincess’s drivers loved to watch game shows and Soaps while driving. But as I was saying, back to the Linda Blair moves of theLC driver trying to hide her identity from me.
This phenomenon only happened to me in theVillage!! when I dealt with the young Boys and Girls, as they would turn away from me or else hide their heads and faces inside their hoodied sweatshirts & tops (Hoodies!!)
I see that theVillage!! kidz had taught some new tricks to
theAlaskanPrincess and that she was playing with me as I stalked around the Luxery Coach attempting to make Eye contact with the LC driver and ask why she was parked in the parking lot.
But before I could act on theImpulse of stepping on up to theDriver side door thePrincess suddenly put theLC in gear, the idling engines sprang to life and theLC was gone from before my eyes.
SIGH......
as I often tell my Court-Appointed therapist every week. It all began a few months after I was evicted from theWilderness Lodge compound by theAlaskanPrincess after her summer tourist season was over.
I even had theVehicle Window Decal sticker to prove it too!!
“Terrorist / Alaska Tourist Hunting Permit, expires 2105, No Bag Limit, Catch & Release Expressly Forbidden!! (that means You, theSam!!)”
I guess theState permits dept heard of my little escapade in theWoods my first week in Alaska when I took pity on a poor bunny rabbit caught in a trap and I set it free, only to be laughed at by everyone later on, except by theGranma whom theTrap & Bunny had belonged too....SIGH
And it’s kind of amusing to see theCourt Mandated Therapist quickly start writing down notes or quietly jabbering into her mini-Voice recorder.
“Date, time, uh... It’s “”HHIIMM again!!!,
Subject still exhibits delusional verbosity regarding an alleged plot by some big breasted AlaskanPrincess to take over the Tourist industry, to dominate men weaker than Her little sisters and to collect Cute cuddly employees and hog-tie them up etc etc, and he thinks that it’s up to him alone as some Rogue Blog-ologist to stop her!!...
....Note to self, try and make a Hair appt with this guy at end of our session, my roots are showing again and I’ve got to attend the Charity Symphony season opener with theCity’s founding fathers and other Civic leaders,......
......I’ll see if I can stop off by Wendies this time to pay him off, as last time I paid him for goods and services he did for me he went absolutely foaming at theMouth mad when he saw that I had pulled up to theKING!! at least theTall Frosty shake cooled him down a bit, and I had to spend extra time trying to reason with him and calm him down.....
....it is a little unnerving to see him stalk around my office excitedly waving his Glocks and racking a new bullet in theChamber to emphasis a point he’s making when he mentions anything about thePrincess. I try to relax him to the point where he’s just teasing his hair, carefully stirring his Purple and blue eyeshadows in their Compact and Lipping his balm gloss......
....that one day at theRestaurant it took some convincing him that there was no “King” and “Princess” conspiracy here in Nebraska, he completely changed personalities when I put that Paper crown upon his head, I must have created a new identity for him as he now Sneaks around town in that stupid crown and has since then acquired a Cape and Tights.....
........Hmmmm.... I wonder if I can have him Wax my landing strip??....
.....Maybe if I get him a box or two of Ammo? and then call him in theMiddle of the night with some bogus story about meeting him somewhere in theCity and then show up in a Limo and furtively roll the window down and toss some names at him?? naughhhhh. too conspiratorial right now. I‘ll just keep him on the back burner if my cash runs out and I need more work from theCourt appointed patients.......
.......I still have yet to find out what “Village Schtick!!” is or it‘s meaning. And who in the heck is in charge at this place called... YVC?? Maybe they can shed some light upon this character / patient of mine-theSam!!, and see if this thing called “Village-Death-Grip“ has anything to do with an actual hand-hold or else more of an emotional tangent, an attraction to all things “Village“ as Mr Flyinghorse emphatically spouts during his diatribes.....
oh... must listen now as “his Highness“ is wearing my $1000 pumps again and strutting around in my over coat. I still don’t know how he ever first got me out of my clothes and Massaged me, but I’ve had no aches and pains since then, I swear, if it wasn’t for that fabulous Cut-Color & Style for $100 I’d pass him over as a Psych Client, man these Natives are crazy.....”
-and lastly
All I wanted for Christmas was for my two front teef to stay together but I guess I‘ve eaten one too many Cookies at $tarbuck$ Coffee!!
And still more posts from thePrincessSam!!
RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!!
.....Or at least from the “E” section of the newspaper.
theAlaskanPrincess’s Holiday Dinner Etiquette Primer Guide & Suggestions.
More Miffed musings from theLady in White!! (Oven Mitts!......with a light dusting of Flour upon her Muffin)
1. Check your cell phone, walkmans, pacemakers and other electronic gear at the door by placing items in a basket upon arrival.
If guests find it difficult to adhere to the “No Electronic Devices” rule, just place a couple of really Hot, Big, Huge, Curvaceously big breasted female employees at theDoor and as theGirls “Hug” their Cleavage just cheerfully place an item into “theBreadBasket” and in no time you’ll have more electronic items in stock than BestBuys and CompUSA’a combined.
And if that doesn’t work, just point at theWhiteShirted Security and whisper that he has no less than 2 firearms hidden upon his person.
2. A children’s table can be fun for theKids!!
But enough about Security, one FrontDesk, two of theCooks, the IT chick, LodgeMarketing and theGeneral Supervisor.
They all keep weird hours and often let themselves into theKitchen anyways behind our backs.
Just set aside a folding card table and some kid chairs, spread out clean white Butchers paper, toss some crayons and non-Scented markers and quickly eat up theFood before theKids finish drawing!!
Keep a close eye on theKids though, last November everyone forgot about them for an hour and then looked over in the Corner to find that a full Poker Tourney was underway and theGeneral Soup had everyone scared with a straight flush,
the IT chick was furtively rummaging around in her Cleavage for her preset hand of Aces while theMarketing Crew were looking for inventive ways to spruce up their two Dueces and 8 of hearts & 4 of diamonds.
But be sure to have plenty of dessert on hand as Security and the IT chick have a sweet tooth and will be cranky till Dooms day if they don’t get some dessert.
Remember to cut up Security’s pie, let him and the IT chick share theWhipped Cream propellant, seeing them suck the fumes and laugh is just damn funny, and pour theMilk into tiny paper cups.......from a Hot employees huge DD cups!!
3. Keep children busy before the meal making place cards and decorations.
Allow only soft scissors for theCooks and keep theGlitter away from one Marketing Chick.
As we all know that she did a move similar to that Internet Joke about theSoccer Mom unkowingly freshening up her Cootchie with her daughters wash rag (that held spilled Glitter) before she went to a last minute Gyno check up.
Except that Marketing took a body massage offer from theSecurity and he was grinning for weeks!
And Ms Marketing always takes things a step further by actually leaving the restroom with actual TP stuck to the bottom of her heel while a couple of theGuyz always leave theBarn door Open.
theShutters are up, theFlag is flying in a stiff breeze!!, theMale chicken is up and crowing!!, Elvis has left the.......Hey damnit, your flies undone!!
Keep theGlue away from FrontDesk and Security, as they ate themselves into a stupor one A.M. assembling theGuest Services Rings-from-Around-theWorld paper chain. Oddly enough, theMosquitos never bothered them the following summer out in theWoods.
If theKids act up and start to assemble Lodge diorama’s in Haunting Detail replete with employee hide & drink sites around theWoods just use Security’s new Maglite upon his and everyone elses cranium.
Or else you can amuse everyone by capping theMaglite with a colored lens and have theKids chase theLight on theWalls, or better yet, just let ‘em stare at it.
4. Assure good dinner conversation on well-thought-out place cards and decorations and last but not least, strategically placed Employees and Guests!!
Keep Motor Pool away from ALL thePrincess’s hefty Chick employees, else another riot should break out after theGirls pout then attack from listening to too many jokes and comments about ruined Gears and broken Drive shafts after theGirls drive theLodge vans on their days off, and that includes Security as he gets sensitive when ever it‘s hinted that he‘s approaching anywhere near theWeight of theGirls!!
Keep theFood & Beverage personnel away from theLiquor cabinets, theWhine Cellar and all Racks. Better yet, just hand Security theKeys to theBar!
Keep theLezzies away from theFirst year Employee girls or else just spritz sweet perfume onto each girl.
Confiscate all unitards, leotards and spandex that any of theServer Boys wear on theOUTSIDE of their clothes and have them wash their faces clean of any and all makeup.
Security is exempt from theMakeup, as he once was a Cosmetologist!! But check his breathe now and then in case he drinks his Hairspray.
Sound check all Flower vases and salt-shakers from time to time as Security, thePrincess and IT have at many times in thePast, put their fevered noggins together and emplaced many webcams and microphones throughout theLodge and the surrounding Woods.
We never would have known about their ruse if it hadn’t been for that roll of TP in theRestroom that wouldn’t run out, theFireplace log that wouldn’t burn up, theTree branch at thePoint that coughed, theSmoker tent rock that bleeped & hummed and theMoving eyeball in theKingSalmon trophy that was mounted to theWall above front desk.
Keep Housekeeping and Laundry away from theBellboys too, as theBB’s took heavy casualties after theLast drive by doilyng from H&L and they circled their luggage carts and made their last stand with Swiffermops and spray bottles.
Soon it was just hand to hand before the boys in khaki perished.
God rest their girlyMan souls theBB’s, as they were overrun 3 times in one shift until H&L ran over them with their fully-stocked CleaningKarts and wiped theFloors with them, especially with that one long haired guy...what was his name??
This year don’t let any Goths sit next to any Elderly guests either.
TheAlaskanPrincess was absolutely livid last year that it took 36 hours before anyone realized that the passed out Drunk Goth chicks were right next to two dead Grandmothers from Florida.
It was hard to tell them all apart, all pasty white, sitting or lying very still, drooling.
And furthermore, keep thePierced employees away from Maintenance & Motor Pool.
We don’t want any pierced lobes, nipples or eyelids and cheeks to suddenly tear out as a hidden magnet weilded by M&MP pulls away theSteel.
Better yet, place thePierced ones with Security, IT and Audit, as we think we may have narrowed our Lodge money laundry suspects list down to these individuals.
After all, they’re paranoid, they imbibe a lot, they’re poor as church mice yet have state of the art Weapons, Optics, cars, laptops and other electronic spy gadgets.
If you keep thePierced ones grouped around Security, IT and Audit theSteel might interfere with any wireless electronics in use.
And for goodness sakes, keep that one Pierced and Tattood server chick away from Groundskeeping, theGirl with theTattoo of “Keep Off theGrass” above her green colored pubes.
And theGirl that got mauled last year. Quit making light of what she does, “oh you Bear-ly made it”, “grin and Bear it!!” etc.
And quit leaving Running shoes and Bear Mace in her Dorm room. You guys are just insensitive.
Oh oh!!! btw, for her going away present this next Spring when she goes home on sabbatical, we’re giving her an Authentic bear hide blankie to take home so you guyz and gals start chipping in to pay for it!!
5. If someone brings an unexpected guest give theNew addition a warm welcome and avoid shooting resentful looks at whomever added to your carefully planned guest list.
All Female employees: don’t stare icily at two Server Boys and Security if their “girls” are preggers, remember girls, you all eat enough for 4 anyways, theCooks and Inventory says so.
And speaking of “Guests”, better make room for “Val” and her crew, since they’ve been living at theLodge from day one.
6. Pick your battles when it comes to intervening in heated conversations.
Who cares if H&L has softer sheets than theSnuggle bear, But it was a great marketing idea to resurrect the shipment of XXL Lodge T-shirts that got shrunk down to Barbie-Doll size by accident after a few rounds in theDryers.
At least theLodge Dancer-girls were glad to have new costumes and paid Out the...Wazzooo as well. Even thePrincess herself, was glad to have something new to wear.
And thePrincess wants to remind everyone that we all need to be more culturally sensitive these days, no more Immigration jabs either please.
All Kitchen staff quit yelling out, “we need more ICE!!! out front!!” As that makes theChica’s and homey’s dash off into theWoods for a week.
We really do need theKitchen help and theHousecleaning work increases by 80% whenever ICE is mentioned. So stop it!!
It doesn’t matter if Security can eat off theRestroom floor after his nightshift spot checks with theCleanKart. What we do mind is that he grabs theClosest employee or Guest that Loiters in theLodge foyer and makes THEM eat off the floor.
And quit using the 20ft, 3 person operated Rubber-bands to sling water and old food across the Valley to theOther Lodges and Vendor sites please. At least hit them while everyone is sleeping or gone away.
These Etiquette primers, anonymous “please let me go home!! notes, tirades, suggestions and many more rants that literally stuff our Suggestions Box everyday here at theAlaskanPrincess Lodges should be plenty to start with everyone having a more peaceful holiday season and leave more time for eating and socializing during special events.
If none of the above suggestions work, just do what Security does when nothing goes his way.
Stomp off in a hissy-huff after screaming “I hate you I hate you, I just hate you!!” and leaves crying, wiping his Alice-CooperEyes.
And that’s it for this Installment of “Ripped from theHeadlines!!”,
hey, at least it’s not that time of theMonth to be ripped from below the belt line for any Princess.
I gotta run and talk to Inventory and Shipping to make sure that they don’t mix up the order of Honey and the Honey-wax Hair Remover.
Although the mix up did spice up theGravies and add zest to theKitchen stews, we had no satisfied clients or PrincessEmployees after they visited theDayspa & Salon that one month.
theSam!!
whom treated himself to a new BatchelorPad!!
He just vacuamed theCarpeting and lavished his bed and his Sleeping bag with Febreze and voila!! A totally new apartment!!
theSam!!
whom did his own stunts during theWriting of this installment of YourVillageCalled!! (doh). Except for the time that he drag raced against HouseKeeping, Laundry and a Male guest-down theLodgeHalls over theLawn and finished by theFront Drive.
theSam!! has weak ankles and someone else had to finish for him in 2nd Place!!, not bad.
theAlaskanPrincess’s 2 Day Only Sale!!
Check out theClosest AlaskanPrincessLodge near you for great savings on Clothes, Furnishings, Impounded Vehicles, Sports Gear and Equipment, Computers and other Electronics.
We have “medical grade” pharmaceuticals and other medicinal products along with various paraphernalia like water bongs, handmade pipes and even complete Hooka draw systems with inter-changeable bladder bags and replaceable mouth stems.
The Fall to Spring Tourist season started in Nov (Nov - Apr) and already we lost 4 employees per Lodge here in AK and we have excess inventory to roll over quick!
Note: all damaged and / or bloodstained bedding, clothes, vehicle interiors, golf clubs, power tools, coffee tables, kitchen utensils, etc are Non refundable and sold As Is. We even have a few J-1 Visa’s!!
theAlaskanPrincess!!
more Down to Earth than any other Lodge & hostel services provider in Alaska. That’s coz she drinks with her Emps and passes out alongside them out in theWoods or over yonder just inside theTreeline, often in the Employee living quarters and sometimes in an employees car!! Everybody loves thePrincess!!
An Alaskan in Outer Space!!
last week or so while theSam!! was at work watching some Security monitors, one tv set was tuned to CNN and it was so cool to see the lift off of theSpace shuttle.
Our 2006 year up here in Nebraska is a special one as we celebrate theEntry to and Return from Space of AK’s own astronaut. Now we can rightfully say that not only do we Alaskan’s Boast theHottest female Governor, but we were also Rocket Scientist smartest enough to send up our very own Shuttle Pilot from our State.
Mom and Little Sister had come to theCity with Dad for a few days and so theSam!! (me) got to meet with Mom & lil’ Sis over at theANMC, ak native medical center.
We walked through theANMC and then stepped into theGift shop. It was then that it hit me, much like a frozen trout to the face-this did actually happen to me in theVillage!!, as I stood in theGift shop surrounded by whale bone, whale baleen stripes, ivory carvings and beaded things, wooden carvings and handmade clothes & other Native works of art.
That theNatives should have already capitalized upon this new Alaskan phenomenon (yay, I spelled that word Correctly again) of having an Alaskan Son in space.
I did a quick double take on theBone and Ivory figurines, theJade and Gold & Silver items under Glass and I saw absolutely Nothing resembling a Space Suit, nothing that resembled a Space Shuttle, and quite frankly-nothing that even resembled an International Space Station either.
theSam!! was quite disappointed that no one had carved out a Mini-sized Space shuttle out of clean white Ivory and put in exacting detail right down to the grooves in the Tiles that line the under belly of the Shuttle.
There was no intimate ivory or birch-bark rendition of theSpace Shuttle, no open back bay doors with a tiny swing arm replete with an MGD alcohol bottle or half-rack of Beer grasped in the Clutches of theBoom Arm.
There were no carvings of an ISS with tiny Space-suited figures zipping around in jet packs that held Beer bottles that when activated for Thrust, would go “ppssshhh” and push theSpace Walkers about as they did ISS module add-ons and Inspections and Repairs.
I could see theNative-ness of the Carvings and other figurines that celebrated theAlaskans new found step into theFinal Frontier.
Maybe see some Mukluk shapes on theSpace Walkers feet, see some authentic Fur along the Ruffing around the edge of theHelmet Visor lenses. Maybe see a Spirit mask or a Raven beak on front of a helmet.
Maybe see a Kuspuk wearing Space Walker with nice perky bumps in front of theSpace Suit, or one figure clutching an ornate Paddle-shaped antannae array or else see a giant liquor bottle shaped ISS module addition.
Perhaps see a “Joe’s Bar” neon sign flashing out from one of the ISS module windows.... or at least see a Space prison replete with HUD housing built holding cells.
Maybe a tiny HUD housing built ISS Village close by with tiny Igloo shaped units for the Sled dogs?? An exhausted looking Brown suited Space Walker chasing after a few errant ISS Villagers?! It could happen yes.
I dunno. Just let your imagination run wild!! It’s good to see that Alaska is one step higher in the Eyes of the Nation and the rest of the World from One of Us being in Space.
Meanwhile, I’ll just keep Alaska firmly attached to the soft, pale underbelly of the Internet with this silly Blog of mine.
Happy New Years from theSam!! and may Old Acquaintance be forgot... like I just forgot the words to that New Years Eve song. Oh well. I’ll be 40 this coming summer and by then will have forgotten much more probably.
theSam!!
his Christmas dinner Turkey was actually a rotisserie chicken from Carrs grocer, his eggnog was Glogged down so fast his blood tinged yellow just a bit and his Cranberry sauce Wasn’t in Juice form this time.
theSam!!
theOther shadowy figure along theWalls and from across theStreet with hands outstretched, big Lakota Schnozz in Profile.
theSam!!
theMan behind theFlask, behind theBadge, beside theGun and behind theCamera!!
Often on theBed & in front of theTV, often hovering over theFood!!
Sometimes in front of theComputer and on theInternet with one hand over theMouse and theOther hand close to theVanilla Steamer & Cookies!!
theSam!!
hard to see with so many around, whom doesn’t like being stuck in a crowd. And 36th street don’t change, just maybe theName, whom doesn’t have time for theBlame, He needs you... whooaah he needs you.. Oh!! Sorry.
Just listening to theRadio while typing. Again, see how much thought I put into this Blog!!??
theSam!!
Pardon him while he bursts into Flame!! Head like a hole, whom would rather die than give you Control.
Just don’t cry to him, just call him when You’re Sober!!
When everything falls apart and you messed up again when you tried, and everything just falls apart!! Just pardon him.
whom are you to wave your finger!! practically raising theDead and burning the evidence down.
Girl you must have been high. Why can’t you not be sober? theSam!! just wants to stop things over,
Why can’t you not be sober?! At least until your Rapture falls to pieces,, till your rapture falls to pieces.
theSam!!‘s so happy cos today he emailed his friends, that’s ok cos your so ugly, light your candles,
In a daze since you found God!! yeah... yeahhh Ow!!
he likes you he’s not gonna crack, he misses you he’s not gonna crack, he’ll kill you, he’s not gonna crack!!
theSam!!‘so happy cos today he blogged his friends, in his head he’s so ugly. And that’s ok cos so are you !!
It’s Sunday morning, it’s every day for all he cares, lights his candles, in a daze since he found God. yeahh... yeahh... ow!!
Hey you, hey you, eat when you let it. Vibrations coming through, theSam’s in a mess!!
Cos theRent is due.. rent is due.. Because theMusic do, raging inside you forever preaching. twisted transistor.......
hey you, hey you, This Blog won’t hurt a bit!! Says who?? (I don’t know)
Just let it be and theMusic so, raging inside you, forever preaching. Twisted transistor.
Don’t need reason, don’t need rhyme. Going down, work time, my friends are gonna be there too.
On a highway to Work!! (walking all the way to south anchorage)
Don’t stop meh!!
On a highway to work!! highway to work!!
Just cut thisBlog into pieces, this theSam!!’s last resort,
suffocation, no breathing, don’t give a ffffff if your covered and bleeding!!
Just speak to Ruth and make your pee some other way!!
d:oP
theSam!!
he’ll leave his Kuspuk on!!
He’s now conveniently located across theMall from Jeers,
Just under theNeon Sign with his lil’ tin Cup jingling for change at each car window!!
remember, theSam!! is just across from theCottonWoods mall next to theShips creek Inn.
theSam!! he don’t need to go anywhere else!!
.....was
-A System upgrade of satellite, tivo and theBrittany Channel.
600Gigs of memory card, a Laser Range finder, a Universal tv Remote, FM / XM radio capabilities, IM / Email and IRL video teleconferencing with Straight-to-Blog access, built in Karoke machine, and disco-Neon backlighting on theInterface screen all on my Kyocera Media phone!!
-A break from the Patrol route scene without having to memorize 500 Departure and Arrival flights,
without having to know who works where and in What dept,
without having to walk 12 miles a day to and from work....in the falling snow,
without having to endure 5 hours of traffic safety videos and having to dress like a stupid traffic cone,
without having theAirport Police look down on me and theAirport Dispatch ignore me,
I’m going back to Patrol.
-A replacement for every sock and t-shirt & BVD set that I’ve lost in theApt House laundry machines.
I just know that somewhere else just on theOther side, theFar Side, of theNext Minute is an alternate Universe where all the Homeless and mismatched socks go to, including all T shirts, undies, sweaters, jeans and theOccasional misplaced Candy bar and cookie.
I know, I’ve lost all of these items at one time or another. Yet funny how that cheap $.05 bubble gum or any kind of chewing gum never even starts to break down in theWash or in theHot Dryer, Why is that?
-A moments peace from being stalked by theAlaskanPrincess!!
one day while doing dismounted patrol of an Medical Arts building I stepped outside to make Report Notes and there in the parking lot was HerThighness just gently rolling, swaying, undulating, perkily bobbing on by.
She was driving one of her Luxury coaches, a 10 wheeled Caterpillar powered, straightline drive shifting, 10 ton piece of state of theArt machinery that hauled over 60 of her Well-heeled Tourists in comfort and ease.
Each seat on each bus was easily worth $10,000 minimum for a 5 day (minimum) deluxe tour package.
Each Luxery Coach seat was Eazy-Chair spacious, had plenty of leg-room, boasted 12”x18” movie screens in every seat back so that each Tourist could watch Satellite or else surf theWeb while on the go.
And to make matters worse, as specified succinctly by theAlaskanPrincess!!, each LC had a full Wet bar / Deli / Espresso stand AND Gift Shop.
ThePrincess!! went ALL theWay when it came to spoiling her Clients, in fact, each LC’s restroom was fully self-contained, well-stocked and boasted a Bidet!!
It was rumored that a few of theAlaskanPrincess guests NEVER even left theLC once they stepped on, as each spacious seat became a recliner bed and one could draw thePrivacy Curtains around them. Hey.. like... Whatever theGuest wants, it happens!!
And to ‘Round” out thePackage Scenery ON theBus, each hot young attendant (a full-bodied, endowed crew of 6, and theDriver made 7.
Each Driver didn’t need an Airbag in case of accident due to being generously Endowed!) kept busy by attending to the LC occupants.
Yeppers, I’ve seen it all and 2007 would be the year that thePrincess would unveil a new line of Luxery Coaches complete with 2 decks instead of just One, an Oyster bar, a mini health spa with Sauna and jacuzzi, a full salon & day spa, and a Heli-pad on the back of theLC too with Custom Bell Flight-seeing fully-armed Gun-ships while theBus was On-the-Move!!
The premise for the Flight Excursions was as theLC cruised down the Highway, you see a large pristine glacier nestled in theBosom of the Mountains.
Wanna see it? Just run your Credit-card / CC and a spastic-Shaken Vietnam era chopper combat pilot would soon put you and 2 buddies on theGlacier for a quick walk around and within minutes you’d be back on theBus!!
See an untouched snow covered Mountain peak just up around theBend? Just run theCC and within minutes you and 2 friends are skiing down theBunny slopes and meeting theChopper at theBottom of the run.
Need to get away from it All for awhile and at the end of your Camping vacation you “Catch theNext Bus” back to Civilization??
Has theAlaskanPrincess got a new Tourist program package for you!! Just run your CC......
Or else elevate your senses to 10,000ft / 2 miles or perhaps 15,000ft / 3 miles and Hop & Pop and parachute ride in peaceful solitude over Paradise and land on theMoving Bus.
Whether solo or tandem parachute riding with a friend you get to enjoy the extras of having your jump filmed live and your own Helmet cam captures every spontaneous excited utterance made by you, whether it‘s your scenic flight tour or else your last terrified moments on earth.(trust theSam!!, he knows the Hop and Pop)
Your choice of Vietnam, Panama, Bosnian-Serb, Desert Storm-Persian Gulf or any recent GWOT pilot is limited to thePrincess’s stock on hand, as most rotor pilots tend to want to fly fast and L-O-W.
yes, yes, I’ve seen it all when I once worked for herHighness and that isn’t what caught my attention the other day when my entire being was riveted upon the sudden intrusion of theLC.
What was so fascinating to see was during the 2nd time that I had to focus my attentions upon theLC parked in the Medical Arts Bldg parking lot.
I was briefly called away for a moment after I first noticed theLC and after helping some MAB tenants with their questions I then walked over to theLC.
I approached theLC from the right side, saw that theAlaskanPrincess was seated behind theWheel filling out trip reports or something on her lucite clipboard, and as I walked closer to theLC she tossed her hair over the Right side of her face and started to turn away from me-hiding her face.
So I walked around front of theLC and thePrincess kept on turning her head. As I kept walking around theLC to stand on the left side of the immense Idling machine, theAlaskanPrincess head still kept turning. I noticed that the body of the Driver still sat in the drivers seat as normal.
The cute funsy grease pencil “Mosquito Bingo!) sketch on the Right side of the Windscreen was still there. Such whimsical road-games were fun and frivolous play things for the bus passengers that sat up front and enjoyed the scenery coming at them-what they were driving by.
And during theWinter months when there were no mosquitos or other flying bugs to randomly hit the “Bingo” game outline drawn upon theGlass,
thePrincess played “Moose”quito Bingo or in theCity, it was anything similar to Grand Theft Auto (theRacing shoot-’em-up computer games)
I noticed the High-Def dash mounted digital Camcorders that were in place, one pointing ahead at the road in front of theLC and the other pointed back into theLC interior.
theAlaskanPrincess was always one to want to keep in touch IRL / in real life with her many Luxery Coaches, her chain of Lodges, Resorts, Casinos and pretty much anything else that she owned, operated, controlled, ran and had even a small percentage of interest in-in theState.
I saw the spacious, cluttered and yet Busy panel display that was available for theDriver to use, monitor and access from the driver seat. When the Bus clients were sleeping, carousing, partying with the Crew Gals, the Driver of theLC was in a world of her own as she drove down the highway.
Personal mini-bar, mini fridge, microwave, a 19” tv monitor and full media hookups too, as many of thePrincess’s drivers loved to watch game shows and Soaps while driving. But as I was saying, back to the Linda Blair moves of theLC driver trying to hide her identity from me.
This phenomenon only happened to me in theVillage!! when I dealt with the young Boys and Girls, as they would turn away from me or else hide their heads and faces inside their hoodied sweatshirts & tops (Hoodies!!)
I see that theVillage!! kidz had taught some new tricks to
theAlaskanPrincess and that she was playing with me as I stalked around the Luxery Coach attempting to make Eye contact with the LC driver and ask why she was parked in the parking lot.
But before I could act on theImpulse of stepping on up to theDriver side door thePrincess suddenly put theLC in gear, the idling engines sprang to life and theLC was gone from before my eyes.
SIGH......
as I often tell my Court-Appointed therapist every week. It all began a few months after I was evicted from theWilderness Lodge compound by theAlaskanPrincess after her summer tourist season was over.
I even had theVehicle Window Decal sticker to prove it too!!
“Terrorist / Alaska Tourist Hunting Permit, expires 2105, No Bag Limit, Catch & Release Expressly Forbidden!! (that means You, theSam!!)”
I guess theState permits dept heard of my little escapade in theWoods my first week in Alaska when I took pity on a poor bunny rabbit caught in a trap and I set it free, only to be laughed at by everyone later on, except by theGranma whom theTrap & Bunny had belonged too....SIGH
And it’s kind of amusing to see theCourt Mandated Therapist quickly start writing down notes or quietly jabbering into her mini-Voice recorder.
“Date, time, uh... It’s “”HHIIMM again!!!,
Subject still exhibits delusional verbosity regarding an alleged plot by some big breasted AlaskanPrincess to take over the Tourist industry, to dominate men weaker than Her little sisters and to collect Cute cuddly employees and hog-tie them up etc etc, and he thinks that it’s up to him alone as some Rogue Blog-ologist to stop her!!...
....Note to self, try and make a Hair appt with this guy at end of our session, my roots are showing again and I’ve got to attend the Charity Symphony season opener with theCity’s founding fathers and other Civic leaders,......
......I’ll see if I can stop off by Wendies this time to pay him off, as last time I paid him for goods and services he did for me he went absolutely foaming at theMouth mad when he saw that I had pulled up to theKING!! at least theTall Frosty shake cooled him down a bit, and I had to spend extra time trying to reason with him and calm him down.....
....it is a little unnerving to see him stalk around my office excitedly waving his Glocks and racking a new bullet in theChamber to emphasis a point he’s making when he mentions anything about thePrincess. I try to relax him to the point where he’s just teasing his hair, carefully stirring his Purple and blue eyeshadows in their Compact and Lipping his balm gloss......
....that one day at theRestaurant it took some convincing him that there was no “King” and “Princess” conspiracy here in Nebraska, he completely changed personalities when I put that Paper crown upon his head, I must have created a new identity for him as he now Sneaks around town in that stupid crown and has since then acquired a Cape and Tights.....
........Hmmmm.... I wonder if I can have him Wax my landing strip??....
.....Maybe if I get him a box or two of Ammo? and then call him in theMiddle of the night with some bogus story about meeting him somewhere in theCity and then show up in a Limo and furtively roll the window down and toss some names at him?? naughhhhh. too conspiratorial right now. I‘ll just keep him on the back burner if my cash runs out and I need more work from theCourt appointed patients.......
.......I still have yet to find out what “Village Schtick!!” is or it‘s meaning. And who in the heck is in charge at this place called... YVC?? Maybe they can shed some light upon this character / patient of mine-theSam!!, and see if this thing called “Village-Death-Grip“ has anything to do with an actual hand-hold or else more of an emotional tangent, an attraction to all things “Village“ as Mr Flyinghorse emphatically spouts during his diatribes.....
oh... must listen now as “his Highness“ is wearing my $1000 pumps again and strutting around in my over coat. I still don’t know how he ever first got me out of my clothes and Massaged me, but I’ve had no aches and pains since then, I swear, if it wasn’t for that fabulous Cut-Color & Style for $100 I’d pass him over as a Psych Client, man these Natives are crazy.....”
-and lastly
All I wanted for Christmas was for my two front teef to stay together but I guess I‘ve eaten one too many Cookies at $tarbuck$ Coffee!!
And still more posts from thePrincessSam!!
RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES!!
.....Or at least from the “E” section of the newspaper.
theAlaskanPrincess’s Holiday Dinner Etiquette Primer Guide & Suggestions.
More Miffed musings from theLady in White!! (Oven Mitts!......with a light dusting of Flour upon her Muffin)
1. Check your cell phone, walkmans, pacemakers and other electronic gear at the door by placing items in a basket upon arrival.
If guests find it difficult to adhere to the “No Electronic Devices” rule, just place a couple of really Hot, Big, Huge, Curvaceously big breasted female employees at theDoor and as theGirls “Hug” their Cleavage just cheerfully place an item into “theBreadBasket” and in no time you’ll have more electronic items in stock than BestBuys and CompUSA’a combined.
And if that doesn’t work, just point at theWhiteShirted Security and whisper that he has no less than 2 firearms hidden upon his person.
2. A children’s table can be fun for theKids!!
But enough about Security, one FrontDesk, two of theCooks, the IT chick, LodgeMarketing and theGeneral Supervisor.
They all keep weird hours and often let themselves into theKitchen anyways behind our backs.
Just set aside a folding card table and some kid chairs, spread out clean white Butchers paper, toss some crayons and non-Scented markers and quickly eat up theFood before theKids finish drawing!!
Keep a close eye on theKids though, last November everyone forgot about them for an hour and then looked over in the Corner to find that a full Poker Tourney was underway and theGeneral Soup had everyone scared with a straight flush,
the IT chick was furtively rummaging around in her Cleavage for her preset hand of Aces while theMarketing Crew were looking for inventive ways to spruce up their two Dueces and 8 of hearts & 4 of diamonds.
But be sure to have plenty of dessert on hand as Security and the IT chick have a sweet tooth and will be cranky till Dooms day if they don’t get some dessert.
Remember to cut up Security’s pie, let him and the IT chick share theWhipped Cream propellant, seeing them suck the fumes and laugh is just damn funny, and pour theMilk into tiny paper cups.......from a Hot employees huge DD cups!!
3. Keep children busy before the meal making place cards and decorations.
Allow only soft scissors for theCooks and keep theGlitter away from one Marketing Chick.
As we all know that she did a move similar to that Internet Joke about theSoccer Mom unkowingly freshening up her Cootchie with her daughters wash rag (that held spilled Glitter) before she went to a last minute Gyno check up.
Except that Marketing took a body massage offer from theSecurity and he was grinning for weeks!
And Ms Marketing always takes things a step further by actually leaving the restroom with actual TP stuck to the bottom of her heel while a couple of theGuyz always leave theBarn door Open.
theShutters are up, theFlag is flying in a stiff breeze!!, theMale chicken is up and crowing!!, Elvis has left the.......Hey damnit, your flies undone!!
Keep theGlue away from FrontDesk and Security, as they ate themselves into a stupor one A.M. assembling theGuest Services Rings-from-Around-theWorld paper chain. Oddly enough, theMosquitos never bothered them the following summer out in theWoods.
If theKids act up and start to assemble Lodge diorama’s in Haunting Detail replete with employee hide & drink sites around theWoods just use Security’s new Maglite upon his and everyone elses cranium.
Or else you can amuse everyone by capping theMaglite with a colored lens and have theKids chase theLight on theWalls, or better yet, just let ‘em stare at it.
4. Assure good dinner conversation on well-thought-out place cards and decorations and last but not least, strategically placed Employees and Guests!!
Keep Motor Pool away from ALL thePrincess’s hefty Chick employees, else another riot should break out after theGirls pout then attack from listening to too many jokes and comments about ruined Gears and broken Drive shafts after theGirls drive theLodge vans on their days off, and that includes Security as he gets sensitive when ever it‘s hinted that he‘s approaching anywhere near theWeight of theGirls!!
Keep theFood & Beverage personnel away from theLiquor cabinets, theWhine Cellar and all Racks. Better yet, just hand Security theKeys to theBar!
Keep theLezzies away from theFirst year Employee girls or else just spritz sweet perfume onto each girl.
Confiscate all unitards, leotards and spandex that any of theServer Boys wear on theOUTSIDE of their clothes and have them wash their faces clean of any and all makeup.
Security is exempt from theMakeup, as he once was a Cosmetologist!! But check his breathe now and then in case he drinks his Hairspray.
Sound check all Flower vases and salt-shakers from time to time as Security, thePrincess and IT have at many times in thePast, put their fevered noggins together and emplaced many webcams and microphones throughout theLodge and the surrounding Woods.
We never would have known about their ruse if it hadn’t been for that roll of TP in theRestroom that wouldn’t run out, theFireplace log that wouldn’t burn up, theTree branch at thePoint that coughed, theSmoker tent rock that bleeped & hummed and theMoving eyeball in theKingSalmon trophy that was mounted to theWall above front desk.
Keep Housekeeping and Laundry away from theBellboys too, as theBB’s took heavy casualties after theLast drive by doilyng from H&L and they circled their luggage carts and made their last stand with Swiffermops and spray bottles.
Soon it was just hand to hand before the boys in khaki perished.
God rest their girlyMan souls theBB’s, as they were overrun 3 times in one shift until H&L ran over them with their fully-stocked CleaningKarts and wiped theFloors with them, especially with that one long haired guy...what was his name??
This year don’t let any Goths sit next to any Elderly guests either.
TheAlaskanPrincess was absolutely livid last year that it took 36 hours before anyone realized that the passed out Drunk Goth chicks were right next to two dead Grandmothers from Florida.
It was hard to tell them all apart, all pasty white, sitting or lying very still, drooling.
And furthermore, keep thePierced employees away from Maintenance & Motor Pool.
We don’t want any pierced lobes, nipples or eyelids and cheeks to suddenly tear out as a hidden magnet weilded by M&MP pulls away theSteel.
Better yet, place thePierced ones with Security, IT and Audit, as we think we may have narrowed our Lodge money laundry suspects list down to these individuals.
After all, they’re paranoid, they imbibe a lot, they’re poor as church mice yet have state of the art Weapons, Optics, cars, laptops and other electronic spy gadgets.
If you keep thePierced ones grouped around Security, IT and Audit theSteel might interfere with any wireless electronics in use.
And for goodness sakes, keep that one Pierced and Tattood server chick away from Groundskeeping, theGirl with theTattoo of “Keep Off theGrass” above her green colored pubes.
And theGirl that got mauled last year. Quit making light of what she does, “oh you Bear-ly made it”, “grin and Bear it!!” etc.
And quit leaving Running shoes and Bear Mace in her Dorm room. You guys are just insensitive.
Oh oh!!! btw, for her going away present this next Spring when she goes home on sabbatical, we’re giving her an Authentic bear hide blankie to take home so you guyz and gals start chipping in to pay for it!!
5. If someone brings an unexpected guest give theNew addition a warm welcome and avoid shooting resentful looks at whomever added to your carefully planned guest list.
All Female employees: don’t stare icily at two Server Boys and Security if their “girls” are preggers, remember girls, you all eat enough for 4 anyways, theCooks and Inventory says so.
And speaking of “Guests”, better make room for “Val” and her crew, since they’ve been living at theLodge from day one.
6. Pick your battles when it comes to intervening in heated conversations.
Who cares if H&L has softer sheets than theSnuggle bear, But it was a great marketing idea to resurrect the shipment of XXL Lodge T-shirts that got shrunk down to Barbie-Doll size by accident after a few rounds in theDryers.
At least theLodge Dancer-girls were glad to have new costumes and paid Out the...Wazzooo as well. Even thePrincess herself, was glad to have something new to wear.
And thePrincess wants to remind everyone that we all need to be more culturally sensitive these days, no more Immigration jabs either please.
All Kitchen staff quit yelling out, “we need more ICE!!! out front!!” As that makes theChica’s and homey’s dash off into theWoods for a week.
We really do need theKitchen help and theHousecleaning work increases by 80% whenever ICE is mentioned. So stop it!!
It doesn’t matter if Security can eat off theRestroom floor after his nightshift spot checks with theCleanKart. What we do mind is that he grabs theClosest employee or Guest that Loiters in theLodge foyer and makes THEM eat off the floor.
And quit using the 20ft, 3 person operated Rubber-bands to sling water and old food across the Valley to theOther Lodges and Vendor sites please. At least hit them while everyone is sleeping or gone away.
These Etiquette primers, anonymous “please let me go home!! notes, tirades, suggestions and many more rants that literally stuff our Suggestions Box everyday here at theAlaskanPrincess Lodges should be plenty to start with everyone having a more peaceful holiday season and leave more time for eating and socializing during special events.
If none of the above suggestions work, just do what Security does when nothing goes his way.
Stomp off in a hissy-huff after screaming “I hate you I hate you, I just hate you!!” and leaves crying, wiping his Alice-CooperEyes.
And that’s it for this Installment of “Ripped from theHeadlines!!”,
hey, at least it’s not that time of theMonth to be ripped from below the belt line for any Princess.
I gotta run and talk to Inventory and Shipping to make sure that they don’t mix up the order of Honey and the Honey-wax Hair Remover.
Although the mix up did spice up theGravies and add zest to theKitchen stews, we had no satisfied clients or PrincessEmployees after they visited theDayspa & Salon that one month.
theSam!!
whom treated himself to a new BatchelorPad!!
He just vacuamed theCarpeting and lavished his bed and his Sleeping bag with Febreze and voila!! A totally new apartment!!
theSam!!
whom did his own stunts during theWriting of this installment of YourVillageCalled!! (doh). Except for the time that he drag raced against HouseKeeping, Laundry and a Male guest-down theLodgeHalls over theLawn and finished by theFront Drive.
theSam!! has weak ankles and someone else had to finish for him in 2nd Place!!, not bad.
theAlaskanPrincess’s 2 Day Only Sale!!
Check out theClosest AlaskanPrincessLodge near you for great savings on Clothes, Furnishings, Impounded Vehicles, Sports Gear and Equipment, Computers and other Electronics.
We have “medical grade” pharmaceuticals and other medicinal products along with various paraphernalia like water bongs, handmade pipes and even complete Hooka draw systems with inter-changeable bladder bags and replaceable mouth stems.
The Fall to Spring Tourist season started in Nov (Nov - Apr) and already we lost 4 employees per Lodge here in AK and we have excess inventory to roll over quick!
Note: all damaged and / or bloodstained bedding, clothes, vehicle interiors, golf clubs, power tools, coffee tables, kitchen utensils, etc are Non refundable and sold As Is. We even have a few J-1 Visa’s!!
theAlaskanPrincess!!
more Down to Earth than any other Lodge & hostel services provider in Alaska. That’s coz she drinks with her Emps and passes out alongside them out in theWoods or over yonder just inside theTreeline, often in the Employee living quarters and sometimes in an employees car!! Everybody loves thePrincess!!
An Alaskan in Outer Space!!
last week or so while theSam!! was at work watching some Security monitors, one tv set was tuned to CNN and it was so cool to see the lift off of theSpace shuttle.
Our 2006 year up here in Nebraska is a special one as we celebrate theEntry to and Return from Space of AK’s own astronaut. Now we can rightfully say that not only do we Alaskan’s Boast theHottest female Governor, but we were also Rocket Scientist smartest enough to send up our very own Shuttle Pilot from our State.
Mom and Little Sister had come to theCity with Dad for a few days and so theSam!! (me) got to meet with Mom & lil’ Sis over at theANMC, ak native medical center.
We walked through theANMC and then stepped into theGift shop. It was then that it hit me, much like a frozen trout to the face-this did actually happen to me in theVillage!!, as I stood in theGift shop surrounded by whale bone, whale baleen stripes, ivory carvings and beaded things, wooden carvings and handmade clothes & other Native works of art.
That theNatives should have already capitalized upon this new Alaskan phenomenon (yay, I spelled that word Correctly again) of having an Alaskan Son in space.
I did a quick double take on theBone and Ivory figurines, theJade and Gold & Silver items under Glass and I saw absolutely Nothing resembling a Space Suit, nothing that resembled a Space Shuttle, and quite frankly-nothing that even resembled an International Space Station either.
theSam!! was quite disappointed that no one had carved out a Mini-sized Space shuttle out of clean white Ivory and put in exacting detail right down to the grooves in the Tiles that line the under belly of the Shuttle.
There was no intimate ivory or birch-bark rendition of theSpace Shuttle, no open back bay doors with a tiny swing arm replete with an MGD alcohol bottle or half-rack of Beer grasped in the Clutches of theBoom Arm.
There were no carvings of an ISS with tiny Space-suited figures zipping around in jet packs that held Beer bottles that when activated for Thrust, would go “ppssshhh” and push theSpace Walkers about as they did ISS module add-ons and Inspections and Repairs.
I could see theNative-ness of the Carvings and other figurines that celebrated theAlaskans new found step into theFinal Frontier.
Maybe see some Mukluk shapes on theSpace Walkers feet, see some authentic Fur along the Ruffing around the edge of theHelmet Visor lenses. Maybe see a Spirit mask or a Raven beak on front of a helmet.
Maybe see a Kuspuk wearing Space Walker with nice perky bumps in front of theSpace Suit, or one figure clutching an ornate Paddle-shaped antannae array or else see a giant liquor bottle shaped ISS module addition.
Perhaps see a “Joe’s Bar” neon sign flashing out from one of the ISS module windows.... or at least see a Space prison replete with HUD housing built holding cells.
Maybe a tiny HUD housing built ISS Village close by with tiny Igloo shaped units for the Sled dogs?? An exhausted looking Brown suited Space Walker chasing after a few errant ISS Villagers?! It could happen yes.
I dunno. Just let your imagination run wild!! It’s good to see that Alaska is one step higher in the Eyes of the Nation and the rest of the World from One of Us being in Space.
Meanwhile, I’ll just keep Alaska firmly attached to the soft, pale underbelly of the Internet with this silly Blog of mine.
Happy New Years from theSam!! and may Old Acquaintance be forgot... like I just forgot the words to that New Years Eve song. Oh well. I’ll be 40 this coming summer and by then will have forgotten much more probably.
theSam!!
his Christmas dinner Turkey was actually a rotisserie chicken from Carrs grocer, his eggnog was Glogged down so fast his blood tinged yellow just a bit and his Cranberry sauce Wasn’t in Juice form this time.
theSam!!
theOther shadowy figure along theWalls and from across theStreet with hands outstretched, big Lakota Schnozz in Profile.
theSam!!
theMan behind theFlask, behind theBadge, beside theGun and behind theCamera!!
Often on theBed & in front of theTV, often hovering over theFood!!
Sometimes in front of theComputer and on theInternet with one hand over theMouse and theOther hand close to theVanilla Steamer & Cookies!!
theSam!!
hard to see with so many around, whom doesn’t like being stuck in a crowd. And 36th street don’t change, just maybe theName, whom doesn’t have time for theBlame, He needs you... whooaah he needs you.. Oh!! Sorry.
Just listening to theRadio while typing. Again, see how much thought I put into this Blog!!??
theSam!!
Pardon him while he bursts into Flame!! Head like a hole, whom would rather die than give you Control.
Just don’t cry to him, just call him when You’re Sober!!
When everything falls apart and you messed up again when you tried, and everything just falls apart!! Just pardon him.
whom are you to wave your finger!! practically raising theDead and burning the evidence down.
Girl you must have been high. Why can’t you not be sober? theSam!! just wants to stop things over,
Why can’t you not be sober?! At least until your Rapture falls to pieces,, till your rapture falls to pieces.
theSam!!‘s so happy cos today he emailed his friends, that’s ok cos your so ugly, light your candles,
In a daze since you found God!! yeah... yeahhh Ow!!
he likes you he’s not gonna crack, he misses you he’s not gonna crack, he’ll kill you, he’s not gonna crack!!
theSam!!‘so happy cos today he blogged his friends, in his head he’s so ugly. And that’s ok cos so are you !!
It’s Sunday morning, it’s every day for all he cares, lights his candles, in a daze since he found God. yeahh... yeahh... ow!!
Hey you, hey you, eat when you let it. Vibrations coming through, theSam’s in a mess!!
Cos theRent is due.. rent is due.. Because theMusic do, raging inside you forever preaching. twisted transistor.......
hey you, hey you, This Blog won’t hurt a bit!! Says who?? (I don’t know)
Just let it be and theMusic so, raging inside you, forever preaching. Twisted transistor.
Don’t need reason, don’t need rhyme. Going down, work time, my friends are gonna be there too.
On a highway to Work!! (walking all the way to south anchorage)
Don’t stop meh!!
On a highway to work!! highway to work!!
Just cut thisBlog into pieces, this theSam!!’s last resort,
suffocation, no breathing, don’t give a ffffff if your covered and bleeding!!
Just speak to Ruth and make your pee some other way!!
d:oP
theSam!!
he’ll leave his Kuspuk on!!
He’s now conveniently located across theMall from Jeers,
Just under theNeon Sign with his lil’ tin Cup jingling for change at each car window!!
remember, theSam!! is just across from theCottonWoods mall next to theShips creek Inn.
theSam!! he don’t need to go anywhere else!!
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