Auntie M!!
Auntie M.
when I was 6yrs old, mother left me with a family relative for a few hours, this was in a reservation community literally miles away from civilization, stuck in nowhere s. dakota and yet it was home to me,
I trusted my older 'auntie', theGirl that watched me that day, and I still do, we had only each other for company in a big HUD built house and what ever I wanted to do at the time, myAuntie eagerly agreed,
outside theHouse was an makeshift basketball court of hard packed dirt 40'x60' and this former Lawn doubled as an baseball play area too,
we played 1 on 1 baseball for about 30mins or so,
she'd pitch to me, I'd hit that ball and run to first base, but myAuntie was always faster than me and she'd catch me at first or almost to second base,
round and round we'd go, over and over and over again, she never got tired of it, never got tired of playing with me and even when I was having fun at the time, my young mind was screaming in Boredom,
to get out, to get away and do something else,
but like two Native kidz on theRez, we played baseball and loved it, next we played basketball, dribble-dribble-shoot, round and round we'd go, myAuntie would let me 'win' and she'd lose,
round and round again and soon I was bored, but kept on playing and having fun, then we went inside theHouse to watch tv and to eat something,
old local tv station soap operas and rezervation commodz were standard fare of theDay, every day come to think of it,
My kitty cat said it best one time, when years later-after feeding her some human food after feeding her cat food, She threw Up.
I should have thrown up that one day playing with myAuntie, but I didn't, that was all I knew and as good as theMemories were / are, they could have been better I know.
Because, I later found out why myAuntie was so eager to play and so jovial for a few hours, I found out later on in Life that she smoked drugs, took drugs and even drank just to get by in life,
It took me almost 3 decades to see that reason why I received so much attention that one day, and it hurts me deeply, to think that a person near and dear to me wasn't really herself,
when I was bus'd away from theRez via theIndianStudentPlacement program myAuntie was there to see me leave from my home town, and I knew it back then,
when Church people were fawning over us kids and shaking hands of theParents & relatives, that myAuntie would never ever be like me, or follow this Church way of life, and she still hasn't,
Back then the people would say,"it's a good thing for them (usKidz), they'll grow immensely and things will turn out better for them".
Yes it was a great thing for me, I had to grow up and toughen up, and after much hard work; physically, mentally, spiritually, yes things turned out better, but.
Sometimes I dream, or have nightmares really, and I'm back on theRez in a deserted town where I once lived,
I'm young again, looking for someone,
I go from house to house, door to door, room to room and I find nothing, Just empty houses with no semblence of human condition or life inside,
little by little I make my way around all 7 streets of our community and finally get to my Grandma's big old HUD house, I go inside and find that theInterior is the same as I once knew it, circa 1973,
I can smell food and foot odor, sweat and perfume, cigarette smoke and alcohol too, and as I go through theHouse I find no one there, but something leads me to theBasement,
those old 1970's, 80's and 90's HUD homes were mansions, completely Full-basements, split level style, 4 bedrooms, 1.5 baths and complete overhead attic too,
As I go into theBasement I can smell a funny cigarette odor, and I find myAuntie, she at theTime was a teenager, she's passed out with thePipe in her limp hands.
Keep in mind that this IS a dream I have (today 2007).
I (as a Child) go over to her and attempt to wake her up, she's passed out on an small bed,
I reach out and grab her arm, calling her name, I shake her arm repeatedly, and I start to cry,
I hug her close to me, just like I hug my Mom when she'd pass out from drinking or after she was beaten and Left there by a former stepDad of mine.
My Auntie stirs a bit, moans out and tries to speak to me, she asks me,
"why didn't.....""why didn't you tell... me, didn't say anything?"
She mumbles some more and then pushes me away and rolls over,
I try to wake her up but she doesn't respond, and from my Dream / nightmare I awaken.
Understand that in real life I never ever did find myAuntie like this, I found other people in such a condition but never myAuntie M.
*sigh*
It's the same dream again, over and over, even one time a few years ago, when I was Village Public Safety to an Native village here in Alaska, when I dreamt that Dream again, as an adult,
I was an adult in the dream, and theRole of myAuntie was taken by a Village girl of theWeek, that I arrested, prisoner transported, etc.
I was freaked out one time too when one villageGirl was mumbling theSame thing to me in her drug induced stupor, Literally in Real Life,
"why didn't you tell me?", "why didn't you say anything?, I would have..."
My christian experience has been a little different in some ways, I have my NativeAmerican heritage to guide me in life as well, we too have always known of an after life,
and my great grandparents & grandparents have always spoken to me of an afterlife, where family would always be,
I could probably say that as my dream always replayed to me, and still does, that myAuntie was asking me of why I never told her of theChurch, or of any 'mormon' opportunity, but I won't,
she had her chance, and took it, but stayed on theRez and had her own children, lived her own life and left this world on her own terms,
it's just the sacredness of such dreams that I have, of childhood events, with a morbid twist that I ponder,
So it's things like this that drive me day to day now circa 2007.
a memory of my beloved older Auntie M in bellbottom jeans, converse hi tops and tie-dyed shirt and long black hair pulled back,
big sparkles in her eyes and great smile as we play together for one day, of many days, in a small community.
when I was 6yrs old, mother left me with a family relative for a few hours, this was in a reservation community literally miles away from civilization, stuck in nowhere s. dakota and yet it was home to me,
I trusted my older 'auntie', theGirl that watched me that day, and I still do, we had only each other for company in a big HUD built house and what ever I wanted to do at the time, myAuntie eagerly agreed,
outside theHouse was an makeshift basketball court of hard packed dirt 40'x60' and this former Lawn doubled as an baseball play area too,
we played 1 on 1 baseball for about 30mins or so,
she'd pitch to me, I'd hit that ball and run to first base, but myAuntie was always faster than me and she'd catch me at first or almost to second base,
round and round we'd go, over and over and over again, she never got tired of it, never got tired of playing with me and even when I was having fun at the time, my young mind was screaming in Boredom,
to get out, to get away and do something else,
but like two Native kidz on theRez, we played baseball and loved it, next we played basketball, dribble-dribble-shoot, round and round we'd go, myAuntie would let me 'win' and she'd lose,
round and round again and soon I was bored, but kept on playing and having fun, then we went inside theHouse to watch tv and to eat something,
old local tv station soap operas and rezervation commodz were standard fare of theDay, every day come to think of it,
My kitty cat said it best one time, when years later-after feeding her some human food after feeding her cat food, She threw Up.
I should have thrown up that one day playing with myAuntie, but I didn't, that was all I knew and as good as theMemories were / are, they could have been better I know.
Because, I later found out why myAuntie was so eager to play and so jovial for a few hours, I found out later on in Life that she smoked drugs, took drugs and even drank just to get by in life,
It took me almost 3 decades to see that reason why I received so much attention that one day, and it hurts me deeply, to think that a person near and dear to me wasn't really herself,
when I was bus'd away from theRez via theIndianStudentPlacement program myAuntie was there to see me leave from my home town, and I knew it back then,
when Church people were fawning over us kids and shaking hands of theParents & relatives, that myAuntie would never ever be like me, or follow this Church way of life, and she still hasn't,
Back then the people would say,"it's a good thing for them (usKidz), they'll grow immensely and things will turn out better for them".
Yes it was a great thing for me, I had to grow up and toughen up, and after much hard work; physically, mentally, spiritually, yes things turned out better, but.
Sometimes I dream, or have nightmares really, and I'm back on theRez in a deserted town where I once lived,
I'm young again, looking for someone,
I go from house to house, door to door, room to room and I find nothing, Just empty houses with no semblence of human condition or life inside,
little by little I make my way around all 7 streets of our community and finally get to my Grandma's big old HUD house, I go inside and find that theInterior is the same as I once knew it, circa 1973,
I can smell food and foot odor, sweat and perfume, cigarette smoke and alcohol too, and as I go through theHouse I find no one there, but something leads me to theBasement,
those old 1970's, 80's and 90's HUD homes were mansions, completely Full-basements, split level style, 4 bedrooms, 1.5 baths and complete overhead attic too,
As I go into theBasement I can smell a funny cigarette odor, and I find myAuntie, she at theTime was a teenager, she's passed out with thePipe in her limp hands.
Keep in mind that this IS a dream I have (today 2007).
I (as a Child) go over to her and attempt to wake her up, she's passed out on an small bed,
I reach out and grab her arm, calling her name, I shake her arm repeatedly, and I start to cry,
I hug her close to me, just like I hug my Mom when she'd pass out from drinking or after she was beaten and Left there by a former stepDad of mine.
My Auntie stirs a bit, moans out and tries to speak to me, she asks me,
"why didn't.....""why didn't you tell... me, didn't say anything?"
She mumbles some more and then pushes me away and rolls over,
I try to wake her up but she doesn't respond, and from my Dream / nightmare I awaken.
Understand that in real life I never ever did find myAuntie like this, I found other people in such a condition but never myAuntie M.
*sigh*
It's the same dream again, over and over, even one time a few years ago, when I was Village Public Safety to an Native village here in Alaska, when I dreamt that Dream again, as an adult,
I was an adult in the dream, and theRole of myAuntie was taken by a Village girl of theWeek, that I arrested, prisoner transported, etc.
I was freaked out one time too when one villageGirl was mumbling theSame thing to me in her drug induced stupor, Literally in Real Life,
"why didn't you tell me?", "why didn't you say anything?, I would have..."
My christian experience has been a little different in some ways, I have my NativeAmerican heritage to guide me in life as well, we too have always known of an after life,
and my great grandparents & grandparents have always spoken to me of an afterlife, where family would always be,
I could probably say that as my dream always replayed to me, and still does, that myAuntie was asking me of why I never told her of theChurch, or of any 'mormon' opportunity, but I won't,
she had her chance, and took it, but stayed on theRez and had her own children, lived her own life and left this world on her own terms,
it's just the sacredness of such dreams that I have, of childhood events, with a morbid twist that I ponder,
So it's things like this that drive me day to day now circa 2007.
a memory of my beloved older Auntie M in bellbottom jeans, converse hi tops and tie-dyed shirt and long black hair pulled back,
big sparkles in her eyes and great smile as we play together for one day, of many days, in a small community.
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