You Might Be a PrincessEmployee If!!!!
Well, summer is here and once again theChain Lodges and Resorts lift their ugly heads and wake up from slumber to once again welcome theHordes of Terroris... I mean, Tourists!!
But before theTango's arrived, theKidz!! were here first, via planes trains & automobiles and Thumbs!!
I found these Signs on theNet, and like all things Cordial, I just gave them an AlaskanTwist!!
Signs that You're an AlaskanPrincess!! Employee
aka
Signs You're a Drunk!!
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
to Include the 0400hrs yelling match with the 90" plasma screen in Employee housing Lounge, theBookcase full of novels and Monday mornings shoving match with NightSecurity's parked pickup truck.
although we would technically classify HR, PayRoll and theLeadMgr as "Inanimate" too we advise you to cease any arguing with them at 2000hrs, 2330hrs, 0200hrs, 0400hrs and 0600hrs respectively.
-You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
and you still haven't forgiven Marketing & Security for breaking up thePreSeason party down by theBoatLaunch when they poured out the last keg,
Search still under way for 2 girls that dove under lapping for the last drops!!
-Beer ads make sense.
too bad that after theParty is over, beer ads are just about theOnlyThing about YOU that is "clean", "refreshing" and "looks great on a platter"
Now clean up that vomit, go shower and get off theKitchen table!!
-You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
but then you realize that you don't have a dog and that one of your friends is lapping from theToilet!!
-You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
theGrandStair cases from theLuxury bus coaches are not only soft, comfy and inviting but have sent many a Princess!! head over heels,
and what was so funny about seeing theDeliManager & HouseKeeping stagger around the other night is that they were falling UP theLodge Stairs.
Hello!! your quarters is that aWay across theLodge grounds!!
-You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
and we're just strictly talking about theFemales here!!
Though some AlaskanPrincess!! emps have been sporting moustaches lately too.
-You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I just wasted."
You kidz have been working at theLodge for ages, theBankManager has heard it all before and yet it strikes theBanks curiousity when even theGirls say this!!
-You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
....and Wine, Ferment, Olive, Glass,
Bar, Mixed, Drinks, Cherry, Shooters,
Lemon, Port, Gin, Ale,
and even when you greeted the2nd Sous Chef one day you said "High Ball!!" instead of saying Bob.
-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
last week it was theTrees and once Security found you under theTrailer house,
before that you were under your Car as before that you and your buddies were found Inside theLodge hiding under theWestwing stairs,
And it took 5 of your friends and your visiting Parents to pry you off theEmployeeHousing porch-Literally!!
Maintenance & Utilities has the 3 bent Crowbars and dented mallets (from hammering theBars under your arms & hands) to prove it!!
-Job interferring with your drinking.
those darn pesky Lodge guests, always needing pillows, blankies, their room's too hot or too cold!!
But then thePrincess!! wised up this year and put Mini-bars and ice machines in her Guests luxery suites,
now you can't keep theFrontDesk, half theBellboys and HouseKeeping AWAY from theLodge after hours.
Everyone so eager to help out and sprint to theGuest rooms, even theEmpty Ones!!
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
but that's not so bad, as theLast time you were forensically tested by thePolice after an Assault episode,
they also found traces of various juice, 6 different hard liquors, 4 different fruit garnishes, 7 vegetable garnishes, 2 types of Pop, pretzel rubbings and table salt upon your Hands!!
-Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
theSame could be said about young kidz working for thePrincess!! As you'll observe, even thePrincess!! looks up to theSenator as an Revered example of Lushness,
and to be sure that you're tops in your Career field if you drag & slur "Massassa, masAssass chewwshettes" or "Prinssheeesheeesh essesh!!" with ease,
even when you're *ahem...* Sober
then consider your status as an seasonal employee for theAlaskanPrincess a great choice indeed,
-The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
this would only apply to Manager's housing, F&B quarters, East wing of Employees housing and Security too!!
as theRest of theKidz use their beds, theFloor, theStairs, their Cars, their friends work shoes and one Lap dog pet circa 2003.
-Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
No no,
thePrincess!! is getting tired of theInternet chainmail petitions, theBoycotts of theEDR / employee dining room, and the endless suggestions to add suggeste....
Hey, Who didn't capitalize!! the word Alcohol anyway damnit!!
-24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I don't think so!
But to see theInternet pics, theComputer pics too, of theKidz just bonging 'em down by theMinute you'd know that one case is consumed per 10mins per 3 employees!!
Even theDenaliPrincess!! and her sister MsKenai hold theRecord for downing Liter bottles,
-Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
So this is where you recruit 3 or 5 friends to help you drink, 2 hold theLong funnel, and the rest of them Pour away down theHatch!!
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
and while you're at it, lip up one side of your mouth like BillyIdol and show some teeth,
like Hot little MsMarketing and her friend from morning LineCooks do after getting 3 bottles of GrayGoose (each!!) under their trendy HotTopix!! belts,
and those girls are like... what, 38 and 40yrs old!?
after you can get BOTH eyes to close and still function, serve Guests, Drive theShuttleVan, go Fish!!, Cook in theKitchen, and Internet VideoConference call then you might just be management material!!
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
No seriously, it moved while you were inside!!
As NightSecurity and NightAuditor snuck outside while all drinkers were in theBar and moved all the parked cars around,
they had Key access because of some local ordnances being considered regarding drinking and driving, etc, so for awhile everyone in theBar had to turn in Keys to FrontDesk,
with theAdvent of GoogleEarth theNS & NA create car patterns, play Colored tic-Tac-toe, spell out epitaphs against thePrincess!! etc.
Oh... and yes, while theEmps were across theSpacious Compound working in theLodge, thePrincess!! had all theHousing quarters and Living modules "Moved",
Since practically everyone drank a little before heading back across theLodge compound at the End of the workday no one noticed except for Security, he doesn't drink,
But it took 3 weeks before everyone caught on to theFact that they were wearing theWrong clothes to work and play, except that funny ServerBoy!! whom wore his pink leotards with pride!!
As for liveIn partners and Spouses, theUsual Domestic Events still happened, even with one girl that lived all by herself!!
-You fall off the floor...
thus Joining just about everyone else at work at theLodge!!
This is why theAlaskanPrincess!! mandates (and often Womandates too!!) that all cigarettes, cigars, RoachClips be EXTINGUISHED!! completely before tossing away on theFloor,
as too many of her workers are heading off to Clinic because of severe burns to their hands, knees, arms, backs, legs, faces,
-Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
And one girl named her daughters Peppermint, Brandy and Pheobe Snow!!
-Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
But then you reconsider because thePrincess!! uses Sherry & Port for marinades,
adds Ale & Stouts to her Halibut batter before flame grilling,
Adds Cider & Vinegar spirits to her Salads & dressing and Rums & Vodkas to her yummy punches.
-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
Sober people catch a buzz after kissing you,
Police intoxilyzers pop up ".08" and higher when held close to you,
and you help theBarTenderz on weekends by blowing fumes that they ignite as you entertain thePrincess!! guests,
even your clothes ignited in theDryer and Westwing had to be shut down due to theFire & Smoke damage for a week.
-At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
this is pretty much the 2nd place where "everybody knows your name!!"
that and Jail, theClinic!!, theMemorialHospital in theCity!!,
theShrinksOffice and even thePriests at theLocal church know who you are in Confessional booth just by odor of theAlcohol about your person!!
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
......Bartender!! don't rim my Margarita glass please!!
-You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
you wake up in theLiving room, your clothes are Outside, you fell asleep out at thePoint!!
you wake up in back of thePoliceCruiser, your clothes are on thePrincess!! (theHeadMistress of theLodge where you work!!) as she's still passed out beside you,
You both have each Others underwear on (and you're a guy!!) and you fell asleep early the night before in your own bed (sober!!) how'd that happen!!
-The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
and everyone exaggerates a Sigh of relief and overPantomimes wiping their brows and dropping their shoulders-when You leave!!
Even thePrincess!! does this when ever you are near.
-Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
and oddly enough, lil Wilbur is always looking at you too!!
-Roseanne looks good.
maybe that's why you were having theShouting match at 0400hrs and fell over theCoffee table which led you to stumble out to theGame room, staggering into theBookCase and Martin Shelbys "Summer's Trace" fell on your head (in hard back!!)
-Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
that's ok though, she doesn't recognize YOU unless you have the 2 week paycheck in hand either!!
-Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
But then when they find out that you're an AlaskanPrincess!! employee or at least worked just for ONE season, or heck!!
even if you exchanged angry emails with an Princess!! at one time, they curtsy, kow-tow and trip over themselves to shake your hand!!
-I'm as jober as a sudge.
*Hickup!!*
You're as Plert as an Srincess Gecurity auard!!
-You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
..................Last Year!!
Maybe it was that Left at theBoardwalk when You should have gone Right,
and you thought that theCelebrityCruise boat was theAlaskanPrincess boat
-The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.
and theFrontLawn is missing, gone away to Rehab in California for 2 months and the bare ground is Lush!! right down past bare mineral soil.
theTrees literally Quake from April to late October, DT's I guess?!
and thePoor Moose that got into the thrown out Injected watermelons and cut up Oranges still hasn't left theLodge grounds, poor thing bumping into trees and wobbling about.
-----------------------------
this VillageTale is brought to you by theSam!!
whom isn't a drunk, he just naturally staggers about IRL and
slurs theOccasional sentence and always leaves theFly open.
d:oP
But before theTango's arrived, theKidz!! were here first, via planes trains & automobiles and Thumbs!!
I found these Signs on theNet, and like all things Cordial, I just gave them an AlaskanTwist!!
Signs that You're an AlaskanPrincess!! Employee
aka
Signs You're a Drunk!!
-You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
to Include the 0400hrs yelling match with the 90" plasma screen in Employee housing Lounge, theBookcase full of novels and Monday mornings shoving match with NightSecurity's parked pickup truck.
although we would technically classify HR, PayRoll and theLeadMgr as "Inanimate" too we advise you to cease any arguing with them at 2000hrs, 2330hrs, 0200hrs, 0400hrs and 0600hrs respectively.
-You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
and you still haven't forgiven Marketing & Security for breaking up thePreSeason party down by theBoatLaunch when they poured out the last keg,
Search still under way for 2 girls that dove under lapping for the last drops!!
-Beer ads make sense.
too bad that after theParty is over, beer ads are just about theOnlyThing about YOU that is "clean", "refreshing" and "looks great on a platter"
Now clean up that vomit, go shower and get off theKitchen table!!
-You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet and you're so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
but then you realize that you don't have a dog and that one of your friends is lapping from theToilet!!
-You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
theGrandStair cases from theLuxury bus coaches are not only soft, comfy and inviting but have sent many a Princess!! head over heels,
and what was so funny about seeing theDeliManager & HouseKeeping stagger around the other night is that they were falling UP theLodge Stairs.
Hello!! your quarters is that aWay across theLodge grounds!!
-You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
and we're just strictly talking about theFemales here!!
Though some AlaskanPrincess!! emps have been sporting moustaches lately too.
-You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft mainly on beer and women; "the rest I just wasted."
You kidz have been working at theLodge for ages, theBankManager has heard it all before and yet it strikes theBanks curiousity when even theGirls say this!!
-You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
....and Wine, Ferment, Olive, Glass,
Bar, Mixed, Drinks, Cherry, Shooters,
Lemon, Port, Gin, Ale,
and even when you greeted the2nd Sous Chef one day you said "High Ball!!" instead of saying Bob.
-You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
last week it was theTrees and once Security found you under theTrailer house,
before that you were under your Car as before that you and your buddies were found Inside theLodge hiding under theWestwing stairs,
And it took 5 of your friends and your visiting Parents to pry you off theEmployeeHousing porch-Literally!!
Maintenance & Utilities has the 3 bent Crowbars and dented mallets (from hammering theBars under your arms & hands) to prove it!!
-Job interferring with your drinking.
those darn pesky Lodge guests, always needing pillows, blankies, their room's too hot or too cold!!
But then thePrincess!! wised up this year and put Mini-bars and ice machines in her Guests luxery suites,
now you can't keep theFrontDesk, half theBellboys and HouseKeeping AWAY from theLodge after hours.
Everyone so eager to help out and sprint to theGuest rooms, even theEmpty Ones!!
-Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
but that's not so bad, as theLast time you were forensically tested by thePolice after an Assault episode,
they also found traces of various juice, 6 different hard liquors, 4 different fruit garnishes, 7 vegetable garnishes, 2 types of Pop, pretzel rubbings and table salt upon your Hands!!
-Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
theSame could be said about young kidz working for thePrincess!! As you'll observe, even thePrincess!! looks up to theSenator as an Revered example of Lushness,
and to be sure that you're tops in your Career field if you drag & slur "Massassa, masAssass chewwshettes" or "Prinssheeesheeesh essesh!!" with ease,
even when you're *ahem...* Sober
then consider your status as an seasonal employee for theAlaskanPrincess a great choice indeed,
-The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
this would only apply to Manager's housing, F&B quarters, East wing of Employees housing and Security too!!
as theRest of theKidz use their beds, theFloor, theStairs, their Cars, their friends work shoes and one Lap dog pet circa 2003.
-Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
No no,
thePrincess!! is getting tired of theInternet chainmail petitions, theBoycotts of theEDR / employee dining room, and the endless suggestions to add suggeste....
Hey, Who didn't capitalize!! the word Alcohol anyway damnit!!
-24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I don't think so!
But to see theInternet pics, theComputer pics too, of theKidz just bonging 'em down by theMinute you'd know that one case is consumed per 10mins per 3 employees!!
Even theDenaliPrincess!! and her sister MsKenai hold theRecord for downing Liter bottles,
-Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
So this is where you recruit 3 or 5 friends to help you drink, 2 hold theLong funnel, and the rest of them Pour away down theHatch!!
-You can focus better with one eye closed.
and while you're at it, lip up one side of your mouth like BillyIdol and show some teeth,
like Hot little MsMarketing and her friend from morning LineCooks do after getting 3 bottles of GrayGoose (each!!) under their trendy HotTopix!! belts,
and those girls are like... what, 38 and 40yrs old!?
after you can get BOTH eyes to close and still function, serve Guests, Drive theShuttleVan, go Fish!!, Cook in theKitchen, and Internet VideoConference call then you might just be management material!!
-The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
No seriously, it moved while you were inside!!
As NightSecurity and NightAuditor snuck outside while all drinkers were in theBar and moved all the parked cars around,
they had Key access because of some local ordnances being considered regarding drinking and driving, etc, so for awhile everyone in theBar had to turn in Keys to FrontDesk,
with theAdvent of GoogleEarth theNS & NA create car patterns, play Colored tic-Tac-toe, spell out epitaphs against thePrincess!! etc.
Oh... and yes, while theEmps were across theSpacious Compound working in theLodge, thePrincess!! had all theHousing quarters and Living modules "Moved",
Since practically everyone drank a little before heading back across theLodge compound at the End of the workday no one noticed except for Security, he doesn't drink,
But it took 3 weeks before everyone caught on to theFact that they were wearing theWrong clothes to work and play, except that funny ServerBoy!! whom wore his pink leotards with pride!!
As for liveIn partners and Spouses, theUsual Domestic Events still happened, even with one girl that lived all by herself!!
-You fall off the floor...
thus Joining just about everyone else at work at theLodge!!
This is why theAlaskanPrincess!! mandates (and often Womandates too!!) that all cigarettes, cigars, RoachClips be EXTINGUISHED!! completely before tossing away on theFloor,
as too many of her workers are heading off to Clinic because of severe burns to their hands, knees, arms, backs, legs, faces,
-Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
And one girl named her daughters Peppermint, Brandy and Pheobe Snow!!
-Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
But then you reconsider because thePrincess!! uses Sherry & Port for marinades,
adds Ale & Stouts to her Halibut batter before flame grilling,
Adds Cider & Vinegar spirits to her Salads & dressing and Rums & Vodkas to her yummy punches.
-Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
Sober people catch a buzz after kissing you,
Police intoxilyzers pop up ".08" and higher when held close to you,
and you help theBarTenderz on weekends by blowing fumes that they ignite as you entertain thePrincess!! guests,
even your clothes ignited in theDryer and Westwing had to be shut down due to theFire & Smoke damage for a week.
-At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
this is pretty much the 2nd place where "everybody knows your name!!"
that and Jail, theClinic!!, theMemorialHospital in theCity!!,
theShrinksOffice and even thePriests at theLocal church know who you are in Confessional booth just by odor of theAlcohol about your person!!
-Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
......Bartender!! don't rim my Margarita glass please!!
-You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
you wake up in theLiving room, your clothes are Outside, you fell asleep out at thePoint!!
you wake up in back of thePoliceCruiser, your clothes are on thePrincess!! (theHeadMistress of theLodge where you work!!) as she's still passed out beside you,
You both have each Others underwear on (and you're a guy!!) and you fell asleep early the night before in your own bed (sober!!) how'd that happen!!
-The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
and everyone exaggerates a Sigh of relief and overPantomimes wiping their brows and dropping their shoulders-when You leave!!
Even thePrincess!! does this when ever you are near.
-Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
and oddly enough, lil Wilbur is always looking at you too!!
-Roseanne looks good.
maybe that's why you were having theShouting match at 0400hrs and fell over theCoffee table which led you to stumble out to theGame room, staggering into theBookCase and Martin Shelbys "Summer's Trace" fell on your head (in hard back!!)
-Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
that's ok though, she doesn't recognize YOU unless you have the 2 week paycheck in hand either!!
-Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
But then when they find out that you're an AlaskanPrincess!! employee or at least worked just for ONE season, or heck!!
even if you exchanged angry emails with an Princess!! at one time, they curtsy, kow-tow and trip over themselves to shake your hand!!
-I'm as jober as a sudge.
*Hickup!!*
You're as Plert as an Srincess Gecurity auard!!
-You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party at the Halekulani in Waikiki.
..................Last Year!!
Maybe it was that Left at theBoardwalk when You should have gone Right,
and you thought that theCelebrityCruise boat was theAlaskanPrincess boat
-The shrubbery's drunk too from frequent watering.
and theFrontLawn is missing, gone away to Rehab in California for 2 months and the bare ground is Lush!! right down past bare mineral soil.
theTrees literally Quake from April to late October, DT's I guess?!
and thePoor Moose that got into the thrown out Injected watermelons and cut up Oranges still hasn't left theLodge grounds, poor thing bumping into trees and wobbling about.
-----------------------------
this VillageTale is brought to you by theSam!!
whom isn't a drunk, he just naturally staggers about IRL and
slurs theOccasional sentence and always leaves theFly open.
d:oP
