theAlaskanPrincess & Sam!! Fistfight at theAirport!!
Originally I had saved this on the server for a few weeks but some of it got erased. So I ended up posting newer materials.
I was going to go with this theme here;
theAlaskanPrincess!!, theHot msCelebrityCoozeLines, theGorgeous Ms IcelandicTours and theSam!! fistfight at theAirport!!
(ohh.... and a few girls from Baggage too!!)
But I'm no longer working at theAirport and quite frankly, I don't care to think of that place anymore. So I'm going ahead and posting some Help Wanted descriptions that thePrincess!! herself penned for me to post.
I looked at her young face, noted some fresh Impact scrapes and blemishes upon one side of her beautiful Native face and she just winked at me and socked me in the arm!!
she might be a small cute gal, but she packs twice her weight in a LoveTap!!
Ok..
So my scribblings of job descriptions and what not began from this
CURRENT OPENINGS AT theALASKANPRINCESS Lodges.
Meets, greets, seats and serves guests
and if necessary-Beats guests with Spoons, Serving trays, etc.
Circa 2000, 2002, 2004 summers when leatherWhippedAsses-n-caneWhippedWomen did their biannual Industry event,
It takes them hardassed hunniez THAT LONG to heal!!
Also removes food and beverage service utensils and items,
to include theRemoval of dead bodies.Circa 2002, 2005 and now 2007 when theClue!! & theWhoDunIt!! sleuth crowds gather here in AK to participate in an actual crime, solve theMystery and railroad some poor fool to prison!!
Also cleans and resets tables.
to include various refurbishment and repair on tables, chairs,
Circa 1997, 1999, 2002, 2005, 2006 when theWomenz
WrestlingConfederation crowd literally brought down theHouse!! at a few of thePrincess' Lodges and She was Not Happy.
Rumor has it that the extensive upgrades to theSouth facade wall and the three 5000s.f. additions to theDenaliLodgecampus was just to cover theGraves of the5 WWCon Divas that pissed herHighness off after they got drunk and trashed theEatingRoom
and eventually was whittled down to these postings here.
--------------------------------------------------------------
APPLY Now!!
Barista Espresso
(females preferred under Gender entitlements, per StateOfAuggh!!!Regs and of course, thePrincess!!)
Works under minimal supervision (Ha!! Good one) to take AlaskanPrincess!! customer beverage and food orders.
Prepares hot and cold made-to-order drinks-typically espresso-style beverages and food. Just be prepared to serve sweetened cold Coffee and making incredibly expensive Pannini sandwiches in bare feet
(being Pregnant while doing this a Plus!!)
Collects and processes payment transactions. Utilizing theWannaSeeMyTips?!Jar, theSam!!‘s HandOut!!orHandsUP!! villageApproved shakedown technique, theVillageChixxx!! trademarked HandsInPocket method and of course, Visa/MC and cityProven “HeyPal!!” transactions.
Promotes sales and provides customer service. By donning theSalmonSuit!!, theMooseZootSuit!!, thePasty’s-N-Thong!! to stand out on theHighway’s adjacent to theAlaskanPrincessLodges!! and also close to the front driveWays into theLodge!!
Whether you’re feeding theMosquitos!! outside or theAlaskanPrincess!!’s guests inside you must have a genuine smile on your face and a fake happy attitude (Or vice-versa!!)
Some experience in compromising positions involving customer service, waiter/waitress/server, or cash handling experience is preferred for this job. Preferably with YOU on bottom as thePrincess!! prefers to be Dominant in All Matters mattress!!
Ability to process cash transactions and operate a cash register with one arm over theShoulder of your customer or else fishing through customer pockets. Previous experience as an espresso clerk/barista is an advantage but not required.
Oh.... and you absolutely MUST be willing to wake up On time in the 0500hrs of the morning as 5-7 are typical rush hours, remember whom theAlaskanAthabascanPrincess Lodge!! customers typically are-Old People, retirees and other travelers with Money!!
As Security!! is getting tired of having to traipse on over to theEmployeeHousingModules and waking up theCurrent cute baristaGirls, carrying them to pee, showering them, brushing their teeth, dressing Them!!,
doing thier hair and makeUp, carrying them in his arms to work AAALLLL the way across theLodge!! grounds only to discover that he got theWrong girl!! cos he got the wrong room or else someoneElse!! fell asleep in your bed.......
Though if you ask us, Security is lying to us and just mistakes one girl for another on Purpose.
APPLY NOW!!
Bartender
(Male or Female, Final nominees must undergo rigorous UltraSound Liver exams every 30days to keep job!!)
Takes orders, prepares beverages (alcoholic & non-alcoholic-damn teaTotalers!!) and serves customers utilizing the 8 Arms Octopus method that was first utilized by theWestern seaSidePrincess!!
when she thought it novelty to add an DeepSeaSquid on the payRoll for her swimBar.
Sales not to mention local DUI’s, Assaults, sexAssaults, criminalMischief etc all shot Up!! thus all theOtherAlaskanPrincessLodges now expect such highSales, highVolumeFlow of their BarTenders,
so much that each BarTender frequently mutters, “Gee, I wish I had 8 arms to keep up with the drink demands!!”
(somewhere out there, washed up upon an reef, or hiding under theShoals are 2 unemployed Squids and an Octopi, inking on themselves and remembering theGood old drinking days of yor with theAlaskanPrincess!!)
theBarTender will collect and processes payments similar to theBarista position above, but this being an position in an more “Festive“ environment, not all Clients will willingly pay for drinks after getting buzzed..
Complaining that because they already spent $10grand just to get here in Alaska, why should we pay $5., $10, on up to $20 per drink?!
So, all final nominees to this job will be taught by some TrueValuehardware / homeDepot exEmployees in operations of all manner of cordless & corded HighPower Drill operations,
and in HighPower Air StapleGuns, NailGunz, powerSaws, CircularSaws utilized to extractJust payments from theBeloved customers of thePrincess!! by kneeCapping and taking of limbs.
Maintains supplies; processes inventory orders within established Customer service Extortion guidelines.
this is where theRequired UltraSound Liver exams will pay off, as all BarTenders will be required to participate in monthly upDate trainings and fieldTrips out to theVillages!!
to covertly sample theWares of villageBootleggers!! as who knows whom might and might NOT have an functioning liver upon return to theLodge!!
Lastly, all nominees will submit no less than 4 different DNA samples, as per Village visit, an exceptional jar of Hootch might explode or otherwise go Boom!! and level half theVillage!!
High school diploma, school certificates, VoTech trainings and other doctorates as printed off theInternet or equivalent.
1 year experience in positions involving cocktail beverage preparation and serving, as theHomedepot / trueValue trainers will bring their 18 station PaintCan shakers for exclusive BarTender cocktail shaking use!!
Minimum age of 21 is required.
Sorry everyone, Gone are theDays of jeni, Mika, AnyaLi and other physically BIG, mature Acting girls fooling thePrincess!! into thinking they were over 21,
for those of you whom are familiar with that one BarTender girl whom interviewed theDenaliAlaskanPrincess!! in an past Blog posting here on AlaskaVillagetales!!
an Current TAMS (Techniques of Alcohol Management), HEAD (Had enough!! alcohol to drink), Keys2 (my room!!), and SwervSafe!! card is required.
Must be able to lift and/or move from 50 lbs up to ......How heavy is theLeadLaundry!?, theBeverage Super!! and NightSecurity!?
oh.. must be able to lift up to 350 pounds and carry them back to their EmployeeQuarters.
As for theFrontDesk blonde and two LineCooks you’ll just utilize an Cattle prod!!
APPLY NOW!!
Busser
Greets and kisses on theCheek, foreHeads or Lips, oh.. And serves cute guests!!
Removes food and beverage service utensils and items in one fell sweep of the arm before climbing up ON said table with an cute Guest!! (or onto her chair)
and after having an quick smoke with your Dinner guest outside (as thePrincessLodges!! are now smoke free) cleans, straightens up and resets tables.
Some experience involving Adult customer service or Adult food and beverage fetish service is preferred.
**hint-hint** If you quote Verbatim theFood scene lines ‘vocable-by-food‘-sound to theAlaskanAthabaskanPrincess!! job recruiter you’ll get seasonal employee meal discounts and upgrades.
And of course, nominees to this position will also learn Table repair, chair repair from theHomeFixIt guys and will also be required to LIVE IN a Dining room Chair for no less than 72hrs under watch of thePrincess!!
She will test you and see if you can hold her and lift her, change positions, etc while you Buss her!!
Must be able to move and/or lift up to 40..... up to 350lbs!!and carry them back across.....
APPLY NOW!!
Cocktail Server
Routinely, takes food and beverage orders, serves customers, and collects payment. Yes.
You too will undergo all theAbove alcohol position related trainings too, as no doubt, You’ll end up in some compromising situations!!
All “trampStamps”, and other tattoos must be esthetically pleasing to thePrincess!!’s discerning eye. And msDenaliPrincess!! does not want any bodyMods, Scars and Brandings to be more Visible and Mural-like than hers please!!
and all Thongs & Garters must be “BreakAway” safety rated yet able to hold upwards of $4grand per 8hr shift!!
Assists with “Bussing”, barTending and morning Barista shifts (yummy Milk producers needed!!).
also assists with LodgeDining room, Lounge and PrivateBooths set-up and cleaning, and Employee Lodge PhoneIn / Inet order preparation & delivery, yes, we said Employees!!
as no doubt, part of theAthabascanAlaskanPrincess!! lodge experience is Taking care of our own, in Serving those that serve!! and so
You may find yourself running back and forth from an LodgeRoom illegal / underage DrinkingParty (employees get steep room discounts as available),
or running back and forth to theEmployeeHousingModules for Friday Pizza & Movie nights, and lastly,
Hone your WoodlandStalking skills as you wander theWoods of thePrincessLodge!! looking forSecurity after he pulls an allNighter stalking around keeping tabs on all theKidz!!
Being an Cocktail Server means you’ll be theBackBone of theLodge operations. Often while you literally use your Backbone!! carrying PassedOut friends back from theWoods,
or as you help push your Own delivery vehicle taking 3 Pizzas and an Hoagy Mayo on Rye out to an hidden Campfire 10miles from theLodge!!
and of course, sometimes you’ll be serving upon your Backbone!! Legs in the air.
High school diploma or other degrees printed-Off-theInet equivalent. An basic understanding of English and the ability to swear in no Less than 4 foreign languages a Plus,
for when theTruck is stuck in theMud as you deliver food out in theWoods to your friends!! Oh.... and 1 year experience in food serving preferred.
Minimum age of 21 is required. TAM (Techniques of Alcohol Management), HEAD (Had enough!! alcohol to drink), Keys2 (my room!!), and SwervSafe!! certification is required.
Free BirthControl!!
APPLY NOW!!
DishWasher
Routinely washes, cleans and stores food and beverage cooking and serving items.
This job may be a “No Brainer” to most people but to theAlaskanPrincess!! not so!!
This vaunted job in HER kitchens stateWide are “No Hands!!” or “No Hair” and often “No Clothes” if you are so lucky as to lose garments in one of HER tempermental Automated electron Autoclave DishWashing machines!!
For some of you returning Kidz, if you look at theEnd of theBar!! late late in the evening you’ll see an Grizzled looking “War Veteran”.
He or SHE may be withered, gnarled looking, may have an eye missing and often an Missing Limb!! and their Glass eye(s) may have that Thousand Liter stare!!
Do not be fooled by appearances. These brave young souls are NOT war veterans, nor are they former VPSO’s and other cops from theVillage!! although they may look like it, but these fine people are former DishWashers of thePrincess!!
They may have come back to the very Lodge!! where they once worked as young, dumb, stupid employee kidz 20, 15, 20, 5 yr or maybe even LAST month!!
But it’s really their bodies that bring them back. Bring them back to somehow be reconnected BACK with their missing Limbs, Ripped out Hair or gouged out Eye(s) from various DishWash machine mishaps.
These Veterans of theCakedOn-BakedOn crowd deserve your respect and at least buy them another drink when you see them.
theDishWasher also cleans and sanitizes the kitchen area. Assists with food preparation.
and 2 times a week these GreaseWarriors suit up in disposeable coveralls to degrease theEntire Kitchen!!
A
s we all know that thePrincess!! serves heavenly decadent deep fried foods and other greasy yummy desserts.
Some experience in positions involving dishwashing or restaurant work preferred. thePrincess!! will be doing “dishPanHands” checks of all nominees to see if your skin is Labial soft and has perineum tonicity (bounceback)
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 40 pounds.... ?! Up to 350lbs (just in case Night Security, 250lbs or HouseKeeping!! 170 and 285 respectively sneak into theWalkInFreezer and eat themselves silly from CheeseCake).
Per 2005 Tourist season, all nominees to this position must NOT KNOW a damn thing about Firearms, weapons & tactics, or even know “Punch” from a juice bowl,
as one disgruntled former DishWasher used to get violent and moody every payday and sit at theBar drinking till his nose went red.
APPLY NOW!!
Hide Job Details!!
Hide Face from Family
so no one will see you applying here for work!!
Oddly enough, this is theMost clicked Link on thePrincess' website!
EmployeeHousing Supervisor
House “MOM OR DAD“; for employee housing of 300 +/- employees.
All females applying to this position are not required to be big and shapely as “Mom’s” but it helps,
especially when you’re enforcing rules and need girth to emphasise your words or if being rode from behind by an weekly Date!! then it helps to have plenty of cushion for pushin’!!
All Dad’s are required to be “At Least” male-Pattern balding or maybe host a noticeable CombOver!!
and to chain smoke and need to be able to stand out on thePorches late late at night within sight of theSmokerTents and strictly enforce curfew with just a few gutteral coughs and lung hacks.
House Mom’s and Dad’s will be doing recreation planning for employees on off-duty days.
To include recruiting of Live Nude models for Employee Oil paintNight in theLodges Upper room,
or to Inet Model down in theCold COLD freezing Server / computer room under theLodge for NightSecurity & theI/T gals or to recruit hapless Inebriateed Guests and Employees alike to theKaroake stage in theLounge!!
Your spirit and enthusiasm for cheering on said Crooners must be so Real, so genuine that not only will your Hands clap loudly,
but so will your InnerThighs, your calfs and your upper arms will also flap (and clap!!) against your body-even your double chins will clap!!
As such suggestive Customer Service duties requires finess, tender care and firm Girth to help you “force” your will upon others. Your smile must be Real, if only your Teeth!!
thePrincess!! will be having her InHouse Dental teams examining every cuspid, crown and bowl of each of your teeth before employment in this position,
You must sign away your civilRights for 15mins and sign away Paternity suit rights and childSupport fees redress should any child come about from your time in theChair-while theLaughingGas or heavy Drugs take effect upon you!!
As houseMom your tanned cleavage must be Hex standup!! or SolarRays only!! No fake-n-Bakes need apply as houseMom. thePrincess and herSecurity!! will personally check every body fold and crease to make sure that you’re as tan as theRest of YOU!!
Your Gel or Acrylic nails must not have any accoutrements that will pierce theVinyl rubber gloves that you NO Doubt will have to don in your Sunday best or even in your sheer Nighty
as some of theKidz find you during your DateNight dinner or later on at inconvenient hours to request your help in Unplugging theToilets or finishing off theLast 2 combo pizzas from theEmployeeTV room Movie & Pizza party!!
Or maybe you’ll have to lend an soft Bare shoulder for a dumb newGirl to cry on as she pines for her new Village boyfriend!! Wondering how come he can’t stay and live in HER employee room for theSeason?!!
Awwee... So cute!!
House Mom’s and Dad’s Maintain house cleanliness and enforces house rules.
Though it still confounds thePrincess!! to no end as to how an HouseDad will, while wearing nothing but his discolored BVD’s saunter out of his EmployeeRoom,
go down theHall and out onto an nearby Porch to smoke a Camel at 0200hrs in the Morning and still Command considerable respect and submission to theCurfew rules by theKidz!!
No one!! NO ONE!! will dare step out their rooms to pee or sneak back out cos they don’t wanna see an Pale paunched figure that really does remind them of their Real DAD back home.
Just NightSecurity dares to walk by as he Patrols theLodgeGrounds and will often stop to chat about theGood Old days with “dad’.
In fact, RealDad’s are encouraged to apply for these “House” jobs.
As thePrincess!! took this requirement to heart after the 3rd season when an troubled young Lady kept acting up all tourist season and her last month of employment was EVENT FREE when her parents visited.
house Moms & Dads assist with other tasks as assigned..
Basically if you have 2 or 3 yr old kids of your own, or stayed long enough to see theOnes YOU MADE!!, you’ll see theExact shenanigans that theYoung kids are capable of-whom work for thePrincess!! each summer.
and to that end. Once in a blue Moose, once in a BigFoot sighting, will an endearing, much respected AlaskanPrincess!! herself be found acting up in an EmployeeHousing or LodgeRoom whooping it up under theTable,
Upon theTable, or wrapped up in PVC and leather AS theTable while her friends celebrate.....something or other.
And you’ll have to be gentle with thePrincess, hold her tight, look into her dilated or pinPointed pupils (often at the Same time) or else look into her Gothlenses and gently remind her of her importance,
remind her of her responsibilities that she has to upHold thePrincess!! traditions and that her Whipping, flogging, drinking and Fisting activities have to be curtailed and stopped because she’s keeping everyone else awake,
You must be gentle with herHighness!! as she kills theLast magnum of khellers or crystal and says.. “So??!!”
As houseMom or Dad, or heck..... even NightSecurity has had to deal with many an “Princess!!” in this fashion after they partied a little too hard.
Previous supervisory experience preferred. Including but not limited to circus LionTamer, CatHerder or FairyHunter!!
And you must have thePatience of an Saint!! dealing with all yourLodge’s Kidz!!
You must have the Ability, theCleavage, theHotFace, theThunderThighs, theNails, theTummy, theButt!! and theVoice!! to enforce company housing rules and regulations.
As for theMen whom apply for this position. Just have a few pair of discolored BVD’s or Haynes with you and bring your own coffee cup, you’ll need nothing else,
because if you’re on duty, 9 times of 10 you won’t have any troubles at all from theKidz. Many “Dads” have utilized this summer time experience to finish Online college degrees, to hone their Internet and PC skills, etc.
And all houseMoms and Dads must have the ability to work various hours (day and night) as assigned by thePrincess!! herself.
Apply Now, Ask me How!!
Flag this Job Listing as Irrelevant!!
GiftShop Clerk
Applies knowledge of products, sales techniques, and customer service to evaluate customers needs,
Basically you’ll need to know about the300 Sweatshop kids in malaysia that made theEyes, theShirt and theShoes of thePlush stuffed Moose toy being sold in your shop.
You’ll need to know theConsumersdigest listings of troubled toys currently on theInternet and though half your “Merch” is on that list!!
No ones theWiser!! cos you also know how to “float” front sites and other fakeWindows in front of consumers because your GiftShop store room is ALSO located downstairs in theLodge!! basement,
you also spend lots of times in theServer rooms hacking various Sites around theWorld, so, no problems for you!! or theMerch!!
You’ll also need to know that by placing the Toy in the Withered aged shaking hands of your Lodge guests and exclaiming that their “grandkids would love to fall asleep tomorrow night with that!!”
(as all theLodge!! gift shops bend over backwards and Promise-Promise!! to Fedx, and SpedUP deliver any merchandise to their homes in theStates absolutely OverNight!!)
that theAged Guests will undoubtedly buy that Toy!! and to that end. All GiftShop Clerks need to be gymnast trained or contortionists too.
And your hearts must be made of Stone, your Lips be Silver and your Tongue sugarCoated as you hustle and hustle theMerch!! off your racks, often by shaking your own SplendidRack!! and unbuttoning a few buttons as well,
reaching over on theWall to grasp an “PrincessFan!!, theBattery powered miniFan to hold as thePlastic blades create an mini hurricane upon you, and you toss your hair, batt your lashes to theOld couple.
You’ll need theKeen eyes of an Village Public Safety!! cos when you glance up at a new Bus Load of Tourists offLoading as you are opening up boxes of merchandise,
you’ll be able to judge to thePenny..... just how much Money each tourist will spend in your Gift Shop.
As an expert Liar you’ll also provide information on other sweatShop made PrincessAlaskan!! products and also her local Tourist fleecing services and then you’ll bend Over!! to wiggle your Rear to generate maximum sales.
theGiftShopClerk also processes merchandise, creates displays, provides information and promotes sales.
Since most Gift shops are located within sight of theFrontDesk, You’ll be working Hand-in-Hand with Front desk, with theOut!! fitters and theConciergeBoys to create Lobby Displays such as,
after an hard night of Partying when an Hot young LaundryGal passes out, you and your friends clean her up, fix her hair, touch up her face with Makeup and have NightSecurity carry her to theLodge!!
where you keep her safe behind front desk answering phones and checking Email until 0700hrs, d:oP
when theDayshift Clerks arrive, then NightSecurity, an FrontDesk, an BaristaGirl and even an early morning fishing Guest who’s Vendor rides haven’t come yet, all pitch in to undDress then DressUp!! theLaundryGal,
into a comfy pair of Fleeced Socks, an Moose leather Thong!!, a pair of SlimJeans with scuffed pockets and RiverRock scuffed legs, a nice Oversize white T-shirt and an Princess!! ball cap,
then you pose your friend upon theHugeDisplayTable, much like an SushiGal is poised during ChineseDinner nights in thePrincess!!’s main Dining room on weekends.
Carefully stack up various folded clothes and various Books and Videos around theGal, so she can “Move theMerch” for you,
see!!? Inebriate, passed out Kidz are useful to thePrincess!!
Some experience in positions involving customer service or sales is preferred; Missionary, Doggy-style, reverseCowGirl, PileDriver, AnkleEarRings, theSpoon!!
Report this Listing to Site Administrator as Silly!!
APPLY NOW!!
Ignore as Spam!!
GiftShopStocker
Performs a variety of entry-level shipping and receiving tasks.
When theNatives!! down the road have “genuine” Moose hide to sell, or if they have those dozens of Ears to sell to you so you can be ready for theHalloween season with “CaraBoo!!” whimsical ghosts, then they’ll be calling YOU!!
Routinely, processes deliveries; distributes and stores goods; coordinates deliveries.
As you descreetly watch NightSecurity and a few other Employees, you get a feel for when they’re coming or going and you step into the back Hallways of theLodge to whisper into your cellPhones or talk to that “certain Guest”
to pass off some local grown “FireWeed” or to deliver that kilo of fresh Alaskan Snow!! erh.. Blow!!
Because you have key impressions of every room in theLodge!! and even certain vehicle keys from theShuttle vans outside, no one notices as you slip away from theLodge!! with an load of Tourists destined for an local riverway,
as you drop off theGuests to go fishing or sightseeing, you make an short stop later on to deliver or pickup more Ice and Snow in your deluxe Cooler for later on distribution amongst theLodgeKidz!!
Later on when your girlFriends and Mom come by theLodge!! to eat food in theBar & Lounge you let them buy an T-shirt and your friend theGiftshopClerk loads up the plastic sack with a few “Keys” and a wad of cash.
And that weekend you’ll enlist help of your LineCook friends to dole out samples to your new friends from the surrounding communities and then you can select from that pool, potential sellers and pushers for you.
Monitors storeroom activities and transactions; maintains records of transactions.
Occasionally notices that theDrinkerKidz often use theLarge SubZero walkIn freezers to keep alcohol stored in and you scoff at them, those Alcoholics!!
and you leave theCold freezers after moving your box of “Chicken Taquitos” into it for safekeeping.
The cold bothers your Weed ravaged lungs and your buzz wears off quickly in the cold. Glancing at your watch you realize that NightSecurity will be Patrolling theBasement and besides,
theEarly morning LineCooks are up and will soon be sending down breakfast foods to feed your hunger caused by theWeed.
High school diploma or equivalent. Or at least the ability to smile and make small talk with everyone present.
Working knowledge of warehousing or food storage is preferred. And the ability to keep all your “Merch” boxes in mint condition for storage of various items as lost and found in theLodge!!
You need to keep up appearances of Storage and Moving of Merchandise to keep Everyone else off guard.
Ability to communicate clearly, verbally and written, with customers, employees and management.
Whether you talk to friends and customers late at night and on theRoads and Paths close to theLodge!! or if you are helping out in theGiftShop and “Notice” certain Guests and start to talk shop with them and offer any services,
to talking with thePrincess!! herself and being trusted enough with purchase ordering and procurring of food and alcohol items as needed when theKitchen staff is too backed up to order stocks or even theStockRoom is too busy,
cos remember, you got keys to every room and you come early and stay late!!
Ability to prioritize work, meet deadlines, to maintain an attention to detail, while working in a team or group environment.
Yep. All to keep up appearances of sobriety and being drug free. While you help with the moving of shipments into and out of theState, or even locally.
Pass theLighter Please!!
APPLY NOW!!
Naahhh!
GroundsKeeper
Maintains plants, flowers and outside property appearance according to company standards.
After all, you don’t want theMoose to be eating your “crop” that you keep hidden next to theLodge!!
Needs to understand Employee mating habits and especially Bodyweight by Alcohol volume and digestive processes as relating to how dark it is outside and an entire football field of soft green Lush grass beckons for playing around on,
this is where your intimate knowledge of sabre and Lawnking hydration products comes in handy because you’ll know to theFoot!! how long theRainbird automated sprinklers will reach and which ones will need help from theMistHose!!
then sit back, go have that Margarita at 2300hrs and by 20mins after, watch theLawn mist up with water spray and suddenly two kidz bolt from theTrees half dressed!!
Assists maintenance as needed when fixing up theLodgeVans!! per weekly vanRides when theHuge!! houseMom and her equally hefty friends / femaleLodgeEmps run off to theCity!! and then wear out theGears coming back up the steep mountain passes.
Things wouldn’t be so bad for you and theShop mechanics if it weren’t for theHidden cams in theVans that let you see every petty spat, listen to all thelastest Gossip and hear which Princess!! is pregnant and by whom!!
Listening to just the sound tracks of each City excursion alone helps pass the time as you help repair each vehicle-and being a Mechanic isn’t your Job!!
GroundsPeople are responsible for maintaining a safe and orderly workplace according to established standards.
And being theLowly paid professional that you ARE, you leave various tools lying out and about around theMaintainanceBldg each day,
so that various young Princess!! employees can grab, oh say an Claw hammer, an mallet, an crowBar and go back to theParty and assault a few people each week.
Reports any and all safety, environmental and mechanical problems immediately to the Maintenance Manager.
And you often find yourself doing this in form of an “Incident Report” detailing theInjuries, mishaps and theAccidents of various employees.
Like an young Couple blaming thePrincessLodges!! for them getting pregnant after “slipping” on theVan seats late late at night, they “slipped” because the vinyl seats were coated with slippery ArmorAllspray,
But theYooToob postings from thePrnicess!! herself, via HiddenCams, clearly shows that theKids were “slipping” and sliding at least 30mins previous to “theAccident”.
1 year experience involving grounds keeping preferred.
Must be adept at Hydroponics and able to dig hidden tunnels and construct false treelines to keep unwary Hikers and “theFeds” away from the acres and acres of Crop that thePrincess!! uses to subsidize her monthly income,
after all, an happy Princess!! is an happy Lodge and an happy workplace equals happy employees.
And lately, an happy workplace also means an “growing” workforce due to all theGirls munching noStop round theClock!! even the nonPregnants ones and those that don’t smoke weed!!
Must have current, valid Alaska driver's license with clean driving record.
And No. You can’t get your DMV 10yr printout and wash it in the sink, rinse it, dry it and call it good.
Whom else is going to be able to pick up tons and tons of fertilizer, thousands of gallons of fuel and truckLoads of various Oils and lubricants at a time just so thePrincess!! can hoard this stuff away for hard times and for.......
when competition builds any structures close by theLodge!! Kaboom!! and all gone.
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 70 pou.... up to 350lbs when ever Security is found passed out on theFront Lawn or in theBack next to the HorseShoe Pits.
Must submit to drug and alcohol testing throughout employment. *snicker...* LOL.
oh, that’s a good one. I shot pop out my nose, I’ve gotta clean up my Keyboard.
APPLY NOW to make things go boom!!
besides, I've nothing better to do.
Disregard!!
HostCashier
Processes payment transactions and verifies successful completion.
An HostCashier’s duties can be just about anywhere that an popular event going on at various places on theLodgeGrounds.
theHC must be ready at theDrop of a Hat!! to start charging admission and keeping bets and tallies on adhoc gaming events that spring up,
You must have extremely fast Slight-Of-hand tricks up your sleeve and be comfortable wearing an darkVisor and at more Upscale Lodge events you’ll be required to wear at least a Tie.
Assists in performing food and beverage services. As you’ll be walking up and down theStairs calling out “Popcorn!!”, “pepsi!!”, “taquitoWraps and salsa!!”
Remember when theCute Server girl arrived 2 months before Season closed and during one Hot summer day she wiggled into a postage stamp Bikini and sunbathed!?,
theGirls Roommate was quick to start charging everyone in sight for Voyeur privileges and even let some Boys pay to rub some TanningOil on theGirl.
theHostCashier esponds to employees complaints, management threats, and thePrincess!!‘s Customers inquiries. With aplom, lackadaisicalness and glib phrases.
Some experience involving cashier work or customer service assignments preferably at LateNight “Stop-n-Robs” or from various “Pizza Delivery” gigs,
You must be experienced in 10key, QuikServ!!, topMenu!! and suddenFood Illness!! host station softWare Client tracking and snackDispensing programs.
Free Food!?, Dood, Sign me UP!!
APPLY NOW!!
HouseKeepingSupervisor
Supervises the housekeeping and laundry staff, their nefarious activities, and all illicit operations.
First of all, being in a job like this needs certain requirements and first Requirement is that your Girth be bigger than the 45” wide DoubleLoaders and that your Butt be bigger than the 50” wide DryerSpeedDry Loaders.
You’ll find out why in a few sentences.
theHKS coordinates housekeeping and laundry staff according to that weeks recent Cat fights and temper tantrum flareUps betwixt theGirls and any LodgeGuests,
or perhaps according to which of theLittlePrincess!!‘s stole whom evers boyfriend from whom!! and you’ll also coordinate other department activities to process guest accommodations.
Yes we provide an bottomless BarTab just for you!! and all the free smokes you want!!
You have your own 800# to thePrincess!!’s Jobs hotline for next season,
in fact, that’s why we asked you in the first place, just what your 2nd job would be if you weren’t theHouseKeepingSoup!!
Sereptitiously monitors All CuteOnly!! staff activities, and provides training. Trust us, you will be monitoring all theGirls and Boys as they “clean out and redo theGuest rooms via Close circuit tv,
and in case you didn’t know it, whaddaya think those dual Smoke alarms are for in each room?! One’s an actual smoke alarm and the other houses an video cam and sensitive microphones. Some kids “Play Bedroom” when they think that no sup is monitoring them.
Right now thePrincess!! is considering opening up her PrincessChannels!! tv choices to include an extra set of channels exclusively devoted to “PlayBedroom” and “HousingSup Drives to Town with herTonnage friends”.
Performs housekeeping and laundry duties.
Spot checks really. But everyone in theLodge from LineCook to FrontDesk, from Security to GeneralMgr will know how to clean an Room and break down theBedding and bath stocks and reMake and reFurbish, ahh..
everyone but YOU. You’re going to be theHouseKeepingSup!! and therefore your attendant duties will involve carrying out management responsibilities in accordance with thePrincess!! abusive policies,
her Impossible!! objectives and with just adhering to a few applicable government laws and regulations that herHighness!! chooses to obey.
an High School diploma or equivalent certifications downLoaded and copied from theInet as appropriate.
Along with just ONE demonstration of directly related work experience, which has provided an equivalent breadth, and depth of knowledge (which byTheway should not exceed thePhysical Breadth, Depth and Girth of YOU) and may be considered in lieu of the educational requirement.
You must have the ability to prioritize work, meet deadlines, ClothesLines, maintains an attention to accuracy and detail, while working in a team or group environment.
And we mean Attention to Detail here, as one past HouseKeeperSup got mad at everyone at theLodge!! snuck downstairs and exchanged theFabricSoftener with ClothesDissolve,
So that when some LodgeGuests!! used the washing machines they later had their Clothes fall off their bodies because theDissolve weakened theThreading,
and there was theIncident after theKidz in theEmployeeLodging!! used theClothesDetergent and theColoring that you added made everyone’s clothes hotPink!!
the ability to comply with company health and safety requirements as they pertain to 15hr workshifts and whether or not you use gojariPaddles or horseWhips to keep theKidz awake and washin’, folding’, steamPressing and sorting laundry,
this is where your Immense Size comes in handy-as eventually your Kidz will revolt and attempt to stuff you in theWashers or Dryers.
Ability to clearly communicate, verbally and in writing, with all levels of employees, management, and customers all your gripes, your recent Off-duty sexcapades, your latest gossips and any backBiting you may feel like sharing.
This job normally requires one year of progressively responsible positions in housekeeping. But if you toss your Hair and clack your Gum loudly during theNominee Interview in front of thePrincess!! she’ll put you at top of theList!!
Demonstrated supervisory experience in a business environment is preferred.
And it doesn’t hurt to get theAccent Just right when you say.
“Shott, too dolla, Pentz tree dolla, Big poop stenz Fo dolla exta., No Statch and no I won.”
Sign Me UP!!
APPLY NOW!!
HousePerson
(listen up NOW, these new HousePerson Regs are 2007 era and must be adhered to strictly, You’ll find out why shortly unless you’ve hired an personalAssistant, an “HouseBoy” or StandIn to Interview for you)
an HP performs scheduled deep-cleaning maintenance of all theLodgeGuest!! rooms to include weekly Hallway cleaning and including theGreatRooms, MeetingConference Rooms and Stairwells throughout theLodges.
That means getting wet, getting dirty and operating HighPower / HurricanForce wet/Dry vacuams and wearing PPE / personal protective equipment / peoples propagation evidence.
We had a few “Princess!!’s” an season or two back that brought along their Cabanna boys and personal butlers and as their Assistants did theWork day after day, they lounged by thePool and worked on their Tans and cavorted with theRich WealthyGuests,
Only thePrincess!! herself gets to work on her tan with theGuests and sip Margaritas from theSwimUp Bars before 6pm in theGuestPools in theLodge!!
an HP monitors department supplies, makes routine deliveries, and maintains (stocks) supply closets.
Therefore each HP will undergo daily breathalyzer testing and weekly blood samples to detect theDrinking of any cleaning agents, detergents and industrial supplies.
Operates cleaning equipment, to include theFilling of and emptying the2000Gal pools and the Dozen 100gal whirlpools throughout theLodge!!,
and for theWinterTime, each HP will operate theMiniZamboni in theLodgeSkatingRink each night for Pre-show, mid-Show and afterwards when theNudeFollies finish skating!!
Identifies maintenance issues and makes appropriate notification.
Including determining which “I hate thePrincess!!” stairwell graffitti is current or year before last and is therefore Irrelevant or NOT,
Will determine if theGuest Elevator will suddenly “stopWorking” or not upon any bitchy / grumpy cheap Guests and will determine exactly how many hours it will remain “out of service”
Will determine if theSurface cleaning agents leave an Slick, or Slippery enough, or an really QuckFall residue upon theFront reception / Lobby marble for when any large group of Guests arrive and they’re rumored to be bitchy, cheap and grumpy!!
an High school diploma and/or relevant Internet copied equivalent will suffice. As will be an basic understanding of theEnglish language,
And each HP must have an working: iNano, iPad, or an LG, Kiyosara or MoRola equivalent phone/Music player to wear while working,
and you will let thePrincess!! listen to your downLoads for a minute to determine your GhettoNess, or HipHoppityness, or flat out Punksta flave.
As part of theListening tests, You theHP nominee will also have to listen to recorded OldPeople clamoring for help, clamoring for Attention because they’re lost in theLodge!!,
or because of some other petty need they might have and your iNano needs to be loud enough to NOT hear theRecordings thePrincess!! will play for you.
Some experience in housekeeping preferred and for theGuys, some StripClub dance experience a plus as you will be FrontLine there amongst theGuests on an daily basis and you’ll be expected to interact, cavort appropriately enough with and charm theOlder ladies-Just like Security does, or at least attempts too.
And you girls that apply to these HP jobs, Get an Oval Ring, get some BC patches, stock up on Condoms and learn how to make Coffee for you and any Guests you end up Partying with after hours or even during Shift!!
And you must not have had ANY children, though lately on theInet with what Girls are Docking / Driving / Parking inside themselves, we might have to change this requirement next year.
Minimum age of 18 is required for theGirls. and waivers to work in service areas where alcohol is present where a minimum age of 21 required when you aren’t over 21.
I Wanna Be an Lush!!
APPLY NOW!!
LaundryAttendant
Routinely processes laundry items and as such, you must be willing to sort through all theGuest bedding laundry and not ever question theBloodStains, or any other Stains upon theBedding,
You must unflinchingly stick your 5mm thick, gloved hands into such laundry all day and be able to wear at least an pained expression at the end of the day and still-Your makeup must be Flawless!!
For you girls, your BarTabs will be half off and you late shifters will get free Rides with Security back and forth from theLodge!! to theEmployeeHousingModules and theLineCooks will leave leftOver cookies for you in theLodgeLaundry rooms.
Assists in performing housekeeping duties as needed by Staff requirements and as such, you must be willing to demonstrate Sheet folding for theHKS by folding an King or Queen sheet into an BusinessEnvelop sized packet in 10seconds flat.
And you must be willing to fold up an King size comforter into a pillow sized throw in 4 seconds.
Other duties will be attending an mandatory 4hr Heating/Ventilation & AirConditioning Operations course with Maintenance so that you can step into Rooms first and end up HeatwavingOut or FreezingOut theChronicComplaining guests.
Must be vocal enough to help out in theLounge / Bar when theKaroake hour is slow and if that happens then for that Hour your BarTab is bottomless so that you can SING!!
Also must be “Hip” enough and musically inclined to literally play band on special occasions, You can get together with theHousePersons, theBarTenders, some Servers and one FrontDesk girl and practice each afternoon before hitting theStage!!
You might be familiar with some ex employees of thePrincessLodges!! whom did exactly this musical thing, they’re touring theGlobe right now playing to packed DeathMetal audiences as “InaudibleDistortion!!”
Like we stated earlier, some experience involving housekeeping preferred but if you’ve spent all day doing laundry we’ll forgo any roomMaking for you and just let you unplug theToilets and scrub theShowers.
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 50... up to 350lbs singlehandedly and at least attempt to shove Her into theFrontLoaders or theDoubleLoad washers when she gets too bitchy at you and clacks her gum a little too much for your patience.
Yah, WhatEver!!
APPLY NOW!!
LineCook Lead and LineCooks
Monitors the food preparation production of theCooks and DishWashing Operations and the Server & Kitchen staff activities.
Basically just leave theScreaming and posturing to that stupid jerk that hosts “hellsKitchen” on tv. Or else to thePrincess!!’s when ever she or her sisters step into theKitchen and abuse theHelp.
You MUST monitor theAutomated Dishwashing machine when it is in operation and do an hourly headCount of all Kitchen staff to insure that theMachine doesn’t eat or maim any of theKidz.
Monitors food preparation, verifies successful completion and supervises kitchen staff operations.
All Leads must be well versed in SmallArms, bladed weapons and bluntObject use to insure that theDailySeafood fares that leave theKitchen are D-E-A-D,
and to insure that theWaterFowl, thePork, theBeef and theExotic game meats are truly D-E-A-D and cooked thorougly before leaving theKitchen.
thePrincess!! doesn’t want any more “PeekingDuck!! incidents like last ThanksgivingDay and when theHeadChef splices open theExoticSnakes and GiantSquid and their babies come squirming out “Alive”,
remember that it’s just residual cooking heat and convection that makes theInnards seem alive!!
it took hours to revive thePrincess!! at theBrooksRangeLodge!! for an Anniversary dinner she threw for her mother and theSquid was still “alive”.
We got that one episode on tape as well!!
an outrageously expensive & ridiculously overhyped Culinary degree or equivalent Internet copied certifications accepted.
Hey, as long as you don’t burn theBoiled water thePrincess!! won’t complain if you want to cook for her. And to that end at least 1 year experience in commercial food preparation is recommended.
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 40 pounds.. augh.. We meant, must be willing to even raise your voice at the 250lbs NightSecurity or at the 350lbs girls if you catch them in theWalkInFreezers eating desserts and other snack items.
Sign up for this, at least be near theCheeseCake!!
APPLY NOW!!
LuggageHandler
Works under moderate supervision to provide luggage handling, shuttle service and porter service for thePrincess!! and her personal Guests that she may trussUp in BondageRestraints and Pallet & ShrinkWrap for safe transport into theState and out ofState.
Blondes require BallGag soft mouth & body restraints and no duct tape, Brunettes need Leather and metal restraints as they are more fiesty and RedHeads need their own sedatives and a cage!!
And all theBDSM guests that may “visit” thePrincess!! each month need to be safely handled with Front end loaders and fork lifts, and minimum of 2 employees are required to safeHandle a “guest” with handDollies.
LG’s may also assist in handling of Guest luggage, but as of late, with all the Airline poundage restrictions going down to 40lbs or even 30lbs per bag and carry on, all theTouristGuests just opt to carrying minimum clothing changes and just carrying their own luggage,
actually, theLG handler job was made Obsolete last year, but because thePrincess!!’s are bringing in their own special Guests each month, they keep theLG position open just for whimsical sake.
May assist in front desk operations or clerical duties as needed and all male LG’s need to raise their voices at least 2 octaves and be Sugar and Honey itself when answering thePhones!!
Previous experience in customer service preferred and must be adept at “skating” on your Brass luggage porter and you must be able to use it as an weapon upon any rampaging HouseKeepers and Laundry,
if you survivors and any returning Emps recall, we had an rampage incident when theCandy supplies ran out in Guest services and one female HouseKeeping threw an hissy fit,
an entire regiment of Luggage Handlers / BellBoys perished in theSlaughter, they were overrun repeatedly by Angry Tonnage and not even their luggage carts could save them. godz rest their souls!!
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 350lbs!!
Sign here if Pain is Your Friend!!
APPLY NOW!!
Restaurant & LoungeManager
Manages the UpperClass and theRitz!! restaurants and oversees theBar & Lounge staff and operations to include thePrincess!!Adult lounges too.
If you can cook it, make it presentable on thePlate and charge minimum $20 for it with 15% gratuity tacked on then THEY will come!!
If you can cook it, make it presentable so much so that all theHorned up males will really be interested in theSucculent Clams and Breast Cutlets that your servers set in front of them in theAdult Lounge (when real live Clams and brests are shaking inches from their faces) and charge Double for each plate with 15% gratuity tacked on then Those suckers will come!!
Measures food and beverage service and quality against established PrincessAlaskan!! standards, and as such a smidgen is more than a skosh and a heap is less then a lot and yet more than SomeMore!!
You’ll come to understand that when a drop of water sweats off an LodgeGuests beer that around theWorld another gust of sand whips up and briefly moves theFlys from the Lips of theStarving child,
that when your Cute Lead Bartender’s cleavage bounces twice per step that up above thePrincessLodges!! Orbiting Satellites rate of orbital decay diminishes 100ft per quarterMillion earth minutes
and that’s not counting solar wind deflection off theHouse sized panels that power theBus sized motors that slave theServers for theComputers that power up theCamera lenses!!
it’s all in perspective my friends, and here at theBar & Lounge, when you look through theGlass or in an Princess!! bar fight-you get thrown through theGlass!! it’s all suddenly in perspective.
You’ll monitor food & beverage and Liquor sales against food and beverage consumption and compare that against CuteFemale Lick her!! performances and against any other of thePrincess!’s lofty expectations and goals.
You’ll see if theTequila shots sold deplete theSalt supllies and if you need to order more Lemons!!
You’ll see if theBrownChocolate powder needs to be replaced with genuine chocolate chunks that trusted Employees can and will grind daily into powder so you can serve those “Chocolate” themed drinks more or Less!!
You’ll carry out management responsibilities in accordance with theUnattainable policies, hidden objectives and silly but applicable government laws and regulations as suggested feebly by govt regulators to thePrincess!! as thelast group of Inspectors and booksBrowsing suit wearing fools that stormed into theLodge!!
were quickly sent packing after a few stern words from thePrincess!! herself and a few well placed breastSlaps administered by herMammary’s themselves!!
Three years of progressively responsible positions in restaurant food and beverage operations.
Preferably progressing from bright eyed well dressed, chipper human to soul-beaten, shell of your former self that has to progressively ascend bar stool by barSeat by bar rail and with assistance from the nearest Bar Maid or sober customer.
All demonstrated supervisory experiences required and all the professional levels of knowledge equivalent to what would be acquired through culinary degrees or equivalent certifications.
Proficiency in the use of computer business applications and the inimum age of 21 is required.
See!? this job is so bare minimum that the "M" is gone from the Listing!!
Sure!! I wanna wet my pants each week after hours!!
APPLY NOW!!
Server
Routinely takes food and beverage orders, serves customers, and collects payment.
Must be able to be blonde and ditzy, lusty & busty and yet memorize no less than 40orders at once and keep tabs on every soul in the place that breathes and be able to detect and count theMoney / $ moving in their pockets.
Must be able to say no to an Roommate, an boy/girl friend if they’ve had too much to drink, must be able to balance the equivalent of theWeight of an small refrigerator per arm (all theFood trays) and hustle to the waiting guests more deftly than any tightEnd, safety or linebacker could dance through players on the football field!!
Assists with set-up and cleaning, and food order preparation. And during major Holidays and AFTER said holidays YOU must might not be theOnly sober & Working one to do all of theAbove kitchen work, serving and cashiering too.
Must not be allergic to Paint or be shy as theBar walls currently STILL display the “Butt”erfly rubbings adminstered by an rowdy group of LodgeGuests!! via theCute fleshy cheeks of an serverPrincess!!
And she’s currently on an retirement cruize around theWorld from all theTips she made that remainder season!!
also must have an Heart of Stone to hawk and pawn off greasy, high fat foods to just about everyone!! And to occasionally try to get the non drinkers to try One small drink, this is where your “Innie” navel comes in handy!! so you can let skittish customers drink from your body.
High school diploma or equivalent. 1 year experience in food serving preferred.
Minimum age of 21 required and all appropriate TAM’s, HEAD, Keys2, and SwervSafe!! certification is required.
Sign me UP!!
APPLY NOW!!
----------------------------------------
Ok ok... I’m finished!!
But not quite. As thePrincess!! wanted me to share an wonderful salad recipe for all of you to enjoy as much as she enjoys theCucumbers and theOlive oil!!
ooookk. here goes.
thePrincessLodge!! handTossed Greek Salad !!
Serves two Princess!!‘s for large salads, or four of her famished employees for smaller salads
Ingredients:
leafy Salad:
3 “DD” cups of mixed salad greens (showered and washed clean first!!)
1/2 to 3/4 of an sweet Red onion. odWalla’s are the best!! Real sweet and juicy. Slice thinly.
4 Large ripe tomatoes each cut to eight wedges.
12slices Euro cucumber
1 cup of goats milk, or sheeps milk cheese
1/2 cup of Ofetta olives, save thePits for later when you Spit them through straws at nearby Guests
unDressing:
2 garlic cloves. crush their Hopes and dreams and mince them!!
2 or 3 Tbs samic vinegarette, this being Summer and Mosquito season, Swig from theBottle too!!
2 tsp Dijon mustard, and if you must, yes. Take theLodgeLimo’s and stop each other quipping “Pardon me, would you have any Graves poupon!?”
1/2 tsp chopped fresh organo
1 to 2 tsp chopped fresh leafed parsley
handMix all the above ingredients, add half-cup & a dash!! of extra virgin olive oil
btw, do you ever wonder why thePrincess!!’s bests, belly and butt are shiny and slick in the afternoons in theKitchen!?,
it’s cos she adds extra Oil to things by hand and often rubs her hands to soften her Skin!!
Presentation:
In an crystal bowl, hand toss the onions, the tomatoes, the cucumbers and the olives with the dressing,
then artfully arrange the loose leafy salad greens on the Kiln-fired china plates,
You want to be dividing the tomatoes and the rest evenly between plates and top with the crumbled cheese.
Serve with flair and customary BosomJiggles!! that all thePrincess!!’s have trademarked,
and in case anyone needs extra olive oil, just turn around and spread yourself, where you keep theDispenser bottleCap and deliver some Oil that’s been warmed up to 98.5deg F!!
That's theGreek "Part" of this Salad, or else you can keep extra greens, tomatos and cheese stored up there.
Deposit Big Tip into Garter belt!!
-----------------------------
luvs, theSam!!
slflyinghorse
anchorage, ak
I was going to go with this theme here;
theAlaskanPrincess!!, theHot msCelebrityCoozeLines, theGorgeous Ms IcelandicTours and theSam!! fistfight at theAirport!!
(ohh.... and a few girls from Baggage too!!)
But I'm no longer working at theAirport and quite frankly, I don't care to think of that place anymore. So I'm going ahead and posting some Help Wanted descriptions that thePrincess!! herself penned for me to post.
I looked at her young face, noted some fresh Impact scrapes and blemishes upon one side of her beautiful Native face and she just winked at me and socked me in the arm!!
she might be a small cute gal, but she packs twice her weight in a LoveTap!!
Ok..
So my scribblings of job descriptions and what not began from this
CURRENT OPENINGS AT theALASKANPRINCESS Lodges.
Meets, greets, seats and serves guests
and if necessary-Beats guests with Spoons, Serving trays, etc.
Circa 2000, 2002, 2004 summers when leatherWhippedAsses-n-caneWhippedWomen did their biannual Industry event,
It takes them hardassed hunniez THAT LONG to heal!!
Also removes food and beverage service utensils and items,
to include theRemoval of dead bodies.Circa 2002, 2005 and now 2007 when theClue!! & theWhoDunIt!! sleuth crowds gather here in AK to participate in an actual crime, solve theMystery and railroad some poor fool to prison!!
Also cleans and resets tables.
to include various refurbishment and repair on tables, chairs,
Circa 1997, 1999, 2002, 2005, 2006 when theWomenz
WrestlingConfederation crowd literally brought down theHouse!! at a few of thePrincess' Lodges and She was Not Happy.
Rumor has it that the extensive upgrades to theSouth facade wall and the three 5000s.f. additions to theDenaliLodgecampus was just to cover theGraves of the5 WWCon Divas that pissed herHighness off after they got drunk and trashed theEatingRoom
and eventually was whittled down to these postings here.
--------------------------------------------------------------
APPLY Now!!
Barista Espresso
(females preferred under Gender entitlements, per StateOfAuggh!!!Regs and of course, thePrincess!!)
Works under minimal supervision (Ha!! Good one) to take AlaskanPrincess!! customer beverage and food orders.
Prepares hot and cold made-to-order drinks-typically espresso-style beverages and food. Just be prepared to serve sweetened cold Coffee and making incredibly expensive Pannini sandwiches in bare feet
(being Pregnant while doing this a Plus!!)
Collects and processes payment transactions. Utilizing theWannaSeeMyTips?!Jar, theSam!!‘s HandOut!!orHandsUP!! villageApproved shakedown technique, theVillageChixxx!! trademarked HandsInPocket method and of course, Visa/MC and cityProven “HeyPal!!” transactions.
Promotes sales and provides customer service. By donning theSalmonSuit!!, theMooseZootSuit!!, thePasty’s-N-Thong!! to stand out on theHighway’s adjacent to theAlaskanPrincessLodges!! and also close to the front driveWays into theLodge!!
Whether you’re feeding theMosquitos!! outside or theAlaskanPrincess!!’s guests inside you must have a genuine smile on your face and a fake happy attitude (Or vice-versa!!)
Some experience in compromising positions involving customer service, waiter/waitress/server, or cash handling experience is preferred for this job. Preferably with YOU on bottom as thePrincess!! prefers to be Dominant in All Matters mattress!!
Ability to process cash transactions and operate a cash register with one arm over theShoulder of your customer or else fishing through customer pockets. Previous experience as an espresso clerk/barista is an advantage but not required.
Oh.... and you absolutely MUST be willing to wake up On time in the 0500hrs of the morning as 5-7 are typical rush hours, remember whom theAlaskanAthabascanPrincess Lodge!! customers typically are-Old People, retirees and other travelers with Money!!
As Security!! is getting tired of having to traipse on over to theEmployeeHousingModules and waking up theCurrent cute baristaGirls, carrying them to pee, showering them, brushing their teeth, dressing Them!!,
doing thier hair and makeUp, carrying them in his arms to work AAALLLL the way across theLodge!! grounds only to discover that he got theWrong girl!! cos he got the wrong room or else someoneElse!! fell asleep in your bed.......
Though if you ask us, Security is lying to us and just mistakes one girl for another on Purpose.
APPLY NOW!!
Bartender
(Male or Female, Final nominees must undergo rigorous UltraSound Liver exams every 30days to keep job!!)
Takes orders, prepares beverages (alcoholic & non-alcoholic-damn teaTotalers!!) and serves customers utilizing the 8 Arms Octopus method that was first utilized by theWestern seaSidePrincess!!
when she thought it novelty to add an DeepSeaSquid on the payRoll for her swimBar.
Sales not to mention local DUI’s, Assaults, sexAssaults, criminalMischief etc all shot Up!! thus all theOtherAlaskanPrincessLodges now expect such highSales, highVolumeFlow of their BarTenders,
so much that each BarTender frequently mutters, “Gee, I wish I had 8 arms to keep up with the drink demands!!”
(somewhere out there, washed up upon an reef, or hiding under theShoals are 2 unemployed Squids and an Octopi, inking on themselves and remembering theGood old drinking days of yor with theAlaskanPrincess!!)
theBarTender will collect and processes payments similar to theBarista position above, but this being an position in an more “Festive“ environment, not all Clients will willingly pay for drinks after getting buzzed..
Complaining that because they already spent $10grand just to get here in Alaska, why should we pay $5., $10, on up to $20 per drink?!
So, all final nominees to this job will be taught by some TrueValuehardware / homeDepot exEmployees in operations of all manner of cordless & corded HighPower Drill operations,
and in HighPower Air StapleGuns, NailGunz, powerSaws, CircularSaws utilized to extractJust payments from theBeloved customers of thePrincess!! by kneeCapping and taking of limbs.
Maintains supplies; processes inventory orders within established Customer service Extortion guidelines.
this is where theRequired UltraSound Liver exams will pay off, as all BarTenders will be required to participate in monthly upDate trainings and fieldTrips out to theVillages!!
to covertly sample theWares of villageBootleggers!! as who knows whom might and might NOT have an functioning liver upon return to theLodge!!
Lastly, all nominees will submit no less than 4 different DNA samples, as per Village visit, an exceptional jar of Hootch might explode or otherwise go Boom!! and level half theVillage!!
High school diploma, school certificates, VoTech trainings and other doctorates as printed off theInternet or equivalent.
1 year experience in positions involving cocktail beverage preparation and serving, as theHomedepot / trueValue trainers will bring their 18 station PaintCan shakers for exclusive BarTender cocktail shaking use!!
Minimum age of 21 is required.
Sorry everyone, Gone are theDays of jeni, Mika, AnyaLi and other physically BIG, mature Acting girls fooling thePrincess!! into thinking they were over 21,
for those of you whom are familiar with that one BarTender girl whom interviewed theDenaliAlaskanPrincess!! in an past Blog posting here on AlaskaVillagetales!!
an Current TAMS (Techniques of Alcohol Management), HEAD (Had enough!! alcohol to drink), Keys2 (my room!!), and SwervSafe!! card is required.
Must be able to lift and/or move from 50 lbs up to ......How heavy is theLeadLaundry!?, theBeverage Super!! and NightSecurity!?
oh.. must be able to lift up to 350 pounds and carry them back to their EmployeeQuarters.
As for theFrontDesk blonde and two LineCooks you’ll just utilize an Cattle prod!!
APPLY NOW!!
Busser
Greets and kisses on theCheek, foreHeads or Lips, oh.. And serves cute guests!!
Removes food and beverage service utensils and items in one fell sweep of the arm before climbing up ON said table with an cute Guest!! (or onto her chair)
and after having an quick smoke with your Dinner guest outside (as thePrincessLodges!! are now smoke free) cleans, straightens up and resets tables.
Some experience involving Adult customer service or Adult food and beverage fetish service is preferred.
**hint-hint** If you quote Verbatim theFood scene lines ‘vocable-by-food‘-sound to theAlaskanAthabaskanPrincess!! job recruiter you’ll get seasonal employee meal discounts and upgrades.
And of course, nominees to this position will also learn Table repair, chair repair from theHomeFixIt guys and will also be required to LIVE IN a Dining room Chair for no less than 72hrs under watch of thePrincess!!
She will test you and see if you can hold her and lift her, change positions, etc while you Buss her!!
Must be able to move and/or lift up to 40..... up to 350lbs!!and carry them back across.....
APPLY NOW!!
Cocktail Server
Routinely, takes food and beverage orders, serves customers, and collects payment. Yes.
You too will undergo all theAbove alcohol position related trainings too, as no doubt, You’ll end up in some compromising situations!!
All “trampStamps”, and other tattoos must be esthetically pleasing to thePrincess!!’s discerning eye. And msDenaliPrincess!! does not want any bodyMods, Scars and Brandings to be more Visible and Mural-like than hers please!!
and all Thongs & Garters must be “BreakAway” safety rated yet able to hold upwards of $4grand per 8hr shift!!
Assists with “Bussing”, barTending and morning Barista shifts (yummy Milk producers needed!!).
also assists with LodgeDining room, Lounge and PrivateBooths set-up and cleaning, and Employee Lodge PhoneIn / Inet order preparation & delivery, yes, we said Employees!!
as no doubt, part of theAthabascanAlaskanPrincess!! lodge experience is Taking care of our own, in Serving those that serve!! and so
You may find yourself running back and forth from an LodgeRoom illegal / underage DrinkingParty (employees get steep room discounts as available),
or running back and forth to theEmployeeHousingModules for Friday Pizza & Movie nights, and lastly,
Hone your WoodlandStalking skills as you wander theWoods of thePrincessLodge!! looking forSecurity after he pulls an allNighter stalking around keeping tabs on all theKidz!!
Being an Cocktail Server means you’ll be theBackBone of theLodge operations. Often while you literally use your Backbone!! carrying PassedOut friends back from theWoods,
or as you help push your Own delivery vehicle taking 3 Pizzas and an Hoagy Mayo on Rye out to an hidden Campfire 10miles from theLodge!!
and of course, sometimes you’ll be serving upon your Backbone!! Legs in the air.
High school diploma or other degrees printed-Off-theInet equivalent. An basic understanding of English and the ability to swear in no Less than 4 foreign languages a Plus,
for when theTruck is stuck in theMud as you deliver food out in theWoods to your friends!! Oh.... and 1 year experience in food serving preferred.
Minimum age of 21 is required. TAM (Techniques of Alcohol Management), HEAD (Had enough!! alcohol to drink), Keys2 (my room!!), and SwervSafe!! certification is required.
Free BirthControl!!
APPLY NOW!!
DishWasher
Routinely washes, cleans and stores food and beverage cooking and serving items.
This job may be a “No Brainer” to most people but to theAlaskanPrincess!! not so!!
This vaunted job in HER kitchens stateWide are “No Hands!!” or “No Hair” and often “No Clothes” if you are so lucky as to lose garments in one of HER tempermental Automated electron Autoclave DishWashing machines!!
For some of you returning Kidz, if you look at theEnd of theBar!! late late in the evening you’ll see an Grizzled looking “War Veteran”.
He or SHE may be withered, gnarled looking, may have an eye missing and often an Missing Limb!! and their Glass eye(s) may have that Thousand Liter stare!!
Do not be fooled by appearances. These brave young souls are NOT war veterans, nor are they former VPSO’s and other cops from theVillage!! although they may look like it, but these fine people are former DishWashers of thePrincess!!
They may have come back to the very Lodge!! where they once worked as young, dumb, stupid employee kidz 20, 15, 20, 5 yr or maybe even LAST month!!
But it’s really their bodies that bring them back. Bring them back to somehow be reconnected BACK with their missing Limbs, Ripped out Hair or gouged out Eye(s) from various DishWash machine mishaps.
These Veterans of theCakedOn-BakedOn crowd deserve your respect and at least buy them another drink when you see them.
theDishWasher also cleans and sanitizes the kitchen area. Assists with food preparation.
and 2 times a week these GreaseWarriors suit up in disposeable coveralls to degrease theEntire Kitchen!!
A
s we all know that thePrincess!! serves heavenly decadent deep fried foods and other greasy yummy desserts.
Some experience in positions involving dishwashing or restaurant work preferred. thePrincess!! will be doing “dishPanHands” checks of all nominees to see if your skin is Labial soft and has perineum tonicity (bounceback)
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 40 pounds.... ?! Up to 350lbs (just in case Night Security, 250lbs or HouseKeeping!! 170 and 285 respectively sneak into theWalkInFreezer and eat themselves silly from CheeseCake).
Per 2005 Tourist season, all nominees to this position must NOT KNOW a damn thing about Firearms, weapons & tactics, or even know “Punch” from a juice bowl,
as one disgruntled former DishWasher used to get violent and moody every payday and sit at theBar drinking till his nose went red.
APPLY NOW!!
Hide Job Details!!
Hide Face from Family
so no one will see you applying here for work!!
Oddly enough, this is theMost clicked Link on thePrincess' website!
EmployeeHousing Supervisor
House “MOM OR DAD“; for employee housing of 300 +/- employees.
All females applying to this position are not required to be big and shapely as “Mom’s” but it helps,
especially when you’re enforcing rules and need girth to emphasise your words or if being rode from behind by an weekly Date!! then it helps to have plenty of cushion for pushin’!!
All Dad’s are required to be “At Least” male-Pattern balding or maybe host a noticeable CombOver!!
and to chain smoke and need to be able to stand out on thePorches late late at night within sight of theSmokerTents and strictly enforce curfew with just a few gutteral coughs and lung hacks.
House Mom’s and Dad’s will be doing recreation planning for employees on off-duty days.
To include recruiting of Live Nude models for Employee Oil paintNight in theLodges Upper room,
or to Inet Model down in theCold COLD freezing Server / computer room under theLodge for NightSecurity & theI/T gals or to recruit hapless Inebriateed Guests and Employees alike to theKaroake stage in theLounge!!
Your spirit and enthusiasm for cheering on said Crooners must be so Real, so genuine that not only will your Hands clap loudly,
but so will your InnerThighs, your calfs and your upper arms will also flap (and clap!!) against your body-even your double chins will clap!!
As such suggestive Customer Service duties requires finess, tender care and firm Girth to help you “force” your will upon others. Your smile must be Real, if only your Teeth!!
thePrincess!! will be having her InHouse Dental teams examining every cuspid, crown and bowl of each of your teeth before employment in this position,
You must sign away your civilRights for 15mins and sign away Paternity suit rights and childSupport fees redress should any child come about from your time in theChair-while theLaughingGas or heavy Drugs take effect upon you!!
As houseMom your tanned cleavage must be Hex standup!! or SolarRays only!! No fake-n-Bakes need apply as houseMom. thePrincess and herSecurity!! will personally check every body fold and crease to make sure that you’re as tan as theRest of YOU!!
Your Gel or Acrylic nails must not have any accoutrements that will pierce theVinyl rubber gloves that you NO Doubt will have to don in your Sunday best or even in your sheer Nighty
as some of theKidz find you during your DateNight dinner or later on at inconvenient hours to request your help in Unplugging theToilets or finishing off theLast 2 combo pizzas from theEmployeeTV room Movie & Pizza party!!
Or maybe you’ll have to lend an soft Bare shoulder for a dumb newGirl to cry on as she pines for her new Village boyfriend!! Wondering how come he can’t stay and live in HER employee room for theSeason?!!
Awwee... So cute!!
House Mom’s and Dad’s Maintain house cleanliness and enforces house rules.
Though it still confounds thePrincess!! to no end as to how an HouseDad will, while wearing nothing but his discolored BVD’s saunter out of his EmployeeRoom,
go down theHall and out onto an nearby Porch to smoke a Camel at 0200hrs in the Morning and still Command considerable respect and submission to theCurfew rules by theKidz!!
No one!! NO ONE!! will dare step out their rooms to pee or sneak back out cos they don’t wanna see an Pale paunched figure that really does remind them of their Real DAD back home.
Just NightSecurity dares to walk by as he Patrols theLodgeGrounds and will often stop to chat about theGood Old days with “dad’.
In fact, RealDad’s are encouraged to apply for these “House” jobs.
As thePrincess!! took this requirement to heart after the 3rd season when an troubled young Lady kept acting up all tourist season and her last month of employment was EVENT FREE when her parents visited.
house Moms & Dads assist with other tasks as assigned..
Basically if you have 2 or 3 yr old kids of your own, or stayed long enough to see theOnes YOU MADE!!, you’ll see theExact shenanigans that theYoung kids are capable of-whom work for thePrincess!! each summer.
and to that end. Once in a blue Moose, once in a BigFoot sighting, will an endearing, much respected AlaskanPrincess!! herself be found acting up in an EmployeeHousing or LodgeRoom whooping it up under theTable,
Upon theTable, or wrapped up in PVC and leather AS theTable while her friends celebrate.....something or other.
And you’ll have to be gentle with thePrincess, hold her tight, look into her dilated or pinPointed pupils (often at the Same time) or else look into her Gothlenses and gently remind her of her importance,
remind her of her responsibilities that she has to upHold thePrincess!! traditions and that her Whipping, flogging, drinking and Fisting activities have to be curtailed and stopped because she’s keeping everyone else awake,
You must be gentle with herHighness!! as she kills theLast magnum of khellers or crystal and says.. “So??!!”
As houseMom or Dad, or heck..... even NightSecurity has had to deal with many an “Princess!!” in this fashion after they partied a little too hard.
Previous supervisory experience preferred. Including but not limited to circus LionTamer, CatHerder or FairyHunter!!
And you must have thePatience of an Saint!! dealing with all yourLodge’s Kidz!!
You must have the Ability, theCleavage, theHotFace, theThunderThighs, theNails, theTummy, theButt!! and theVoice!! to enforce company housing rules and regulations.
As for theMen whom apply for this position. Just have a few pair of discolored BVD’s or Haynes with you and bring your own coffee cup, you’ll need nothing else,
because if you’re on duty, 9 times of 10 you won’t have any troubles at all from theKidz. Many “Dads” have utilized this summer time experience to finish Online college degrees, to hone their Internet and PC skills, etc.
And all houseMoms and Dads must have the ability to work various hours (day and night) as assigned by thePrincess!! herself.
Apply Now, Ask me How!!
Flag this Job Listing as Irrelevant!!
GiftShop Clerk
Applies knowledge of products, sales techniques, and customer service to evaluate customers needs,
Basically you’ll need to know about the300 Sweatshop kids in malaysia that made theEyes, theShirt and theShoes of thePlush stuffed Moose toy being sold in your shop.
You’ll need to know theConsumersdigest listings of troubled toys currently on theInternet and though half your “Merch” is on that list!!
No ones theWiser!! cos you also know how to “float” front sites and other fakeWindows in front of consumers because your GiftShop store room is ALSO located downstairs in theLodge!! basement,
you also spend lots of times in theServer rooms hacking various Sites around theWorld, so, no problems for you!! or theMerch!!
You’ll also need to know that by placing the Toy in the Withered aged shaking hands of your Lodge guests and exclaiming that their “grandkids would love to fall asleep tomorrow night with that!!”
(as all theLodge!! gift shops bend over backwards and Promise-Promise!! to Fedx, and SpedUP deliver any merchandise to their homes in theStates absolutely OverNight!!)
that theAged Guests will undoubtedly buy that Toy!! and to that end. All GiftShop Clerks need to be gymnast trained or contortionists too.
And your hearts must be made of Stone, your Lips be Silver and your Tongue sugarCoated as you hustle and hustle theMerch!! off your racks, often by shaking your own SplendidRack!! and unbuttoning a few buttons as well,
reaching over on theWall to grasp an “PrincessFan!!, theBattery powered miniFan to hold as thePlastic blades create an mini hurricane upon you, and you toss your hair, batt your lashes to theOld couple.
You’ll need theKeen eyes of an Village Public Safety!! cos when you glance up at a new Bus Load of Tourists offLoading as you are opening up boxes of merchandise,
you’ll be able to judge to thePenny..... just how much Money each tourist will spend in your Gift Shop.
As an expert Liar you’ll also provide information on other sweatShop made PrincessAlaskan!! products and also her local Tourist fleecing services and then you’ll bend Over!! to wiggle your Rear to generate maximum sales.
theGiftShopClerk also processes merchandise, creates displays, provides information and promotes sales.
Since most Gift shops are located within sight of theFrontDesk, You’ll be working Hand-in-Hand with Front desk, with theOut!! fitters and theConciergeBoys to create Lobby Displays such as,
after an hard night of Partying when an Hot young LaundryGal passes out, you and your friends clean her up, fix her hair, touch up her face with Makeup and have NightSecurity carry her to theLodge!!
where you keep her safe behind front desk answering phones and checking Email until 0700hrs, d:oP
when theDayshift Clerks arrive, then NightSecurity, an FrontDesk, an BaristaGirl and even an early morning fishing Guest who’s Vendor rides haven’t come yet, all pitch in to undDress then DressUp!! theLaundryGal,
into a comfy pair of Fleeced Socks, an Moose leather Thong!!, a pair of SlimJeans with scuffed pockets and RiverRock scuffed legs, a nice Oversize white T-shirt and an Princess!! ball cap,
then you pose your friend upon theHugeDisplayTable, much like an SushiGal is poised during ChineseDinner nights in thePrincess!!’s main Dining room on weekends.
Carefully stack up various folded clothes and various Books and Videos around theGal, so she can “Move theMerch” for you,
see!!? Inebriate, passed out Kidz are useful to thePrincess!!
Some experience in positions involving customer service or sales is preferred; Missionary, Doggy-style, reverseCowGirl, PileDriver, AnkleEarRings, theSpoon!!
Report this Listing to Site Administrator as Silly!!
APPLY NOW!!
Ignore as Spam!!
GiftShopStocker
Performs a variety of entry-level shipping and receiving tasks.
When theNatives!! down the road have “genuine” Moose hide to sell, or if they have those dozens of Ears to sell to you so you can be ready for theHalloween season with “CaraBoo!!” whimsical ghosts, then they’ll be calling YOU!!
Routinely, processes deliveries; distributes and stores goods; coordinates deliveries.
As you descreetly watch NightSecurity and a few other Employees, you get a feel for when they’re coming or going and you step into the back Hallways of theLodge to whisper into your cellPhones or talk to that “certain Guest”
to pass off some local grown “FireWeed” or to deliver that kilo of fresh Alaskan Snow!! erh.. Blow!!
Because you have key impressions of every room in theLodge!! and even certain vehicle keys from theShuttle vans outside, no one notices as you slip away from theLodge!! with an load of Tourists destined for an local riverway,
as you drop off theGuests to go fishing or sightseeing, you make an short stop later on to deliver or pickup more Ice and Snow in your deluxe Cooler for later on distribution amongst theLodgeKidz!!
Later on when your girlFriends and Mom come by theLodge!! to eat food in theBar & Lounge you let them buy an T-shirt and your friend theGiftshopClerk loads up the plastic sack with a few “Keys” and a wad of cash.
And that weekend you’ll enlist help of your LineCook friends to dole out samples to your new friends from the surrounding communities and then you can select from that pool, potential sellers and pushers for you.
Monitors storeroom activities and transactions; maintains records of transactions.
Occasionally notices that theDrinkerKidz often use theLarge SubZero walkIn freezers to keep alcohol stored in and you scoff at them, those Alcoholics!!
and you leave theCold freezers after moving your box of “Chicken Taquitos” into it for safekeeping.
The cold bothers your Weed ravaged lungs and your buzz wears off quickly in the cold. Glancing at your watch you realize that NightSecurity will be Patrolling theBasement and besides,
theEarly morning LineCooks are up and will soon be sending down breakfast foods to feed your hunger caused by theWeed.
High school diploma or equivalent. Or at least the ability to smile and make small talk with everyone present.
Working knowledge of warehousing or food storage is preferred. And the ability to keep all your “Merch” boxes in mint condition for storage of various items as lost and found in theLodge!!
You need to keep up appearances of Storage and Moving of Merchandise to keep Everyone else off guard.
Ability to communicate clearly, verbally and written, with customers, employees and management.
Whether you talk to friends and customers late at night and on theRoads and Paths close to theLodge!! or if you are helping out in theGiftShop and “Notice” certain Guests and start to talk shop with them and offer any services,
to talking with thePrincess!! herself and being trusted enough with purchase ordering and procurring of food and alcohol items as needed when theKitchen staff is too backed up to order stocks or even theStockRoom is too busy,
cos remember, you got keys to every room and you come early and stay late!!
Ability to prioritize work, meet deadlines, to maintain an attention to detail, while working in a team or group environment.
Yep. All to keep up appearances of sobriety and being drug free. While you help with the moving of shipments into and out of theState, or even locally.
Pass theLighter Please!!
APPLY NOW!!
Naahhh!
GroundsKeeper
Maintains plants, flowers and outside property appearance according to company standards.
After all, you don’t want theMoose to be eating your “crop” that you keep hidden next to theLodge!!
Needs to understand Employee mating habits and especially Bodyweight by Alcohol volume and digestive processes as relating to how dark it is outside and an entire football field of soft green Lush grass beckons for playing around on,
this is where your intimate knowledge of sabre and Lawnking hydration products comes in handy because you’ll know to theFoot!! how long theRainbird automated sprinklers will reach and which ones will need help from theMistHose!!
then sit back, go have that Margarita at 2300hrs and by 20mins after, watch theLawn mist up with water spray and suddenly two kidz bolt from theTrees half dressed!!
Assists maintenance as needed when fixing up theLodgeVans!! per weekly vanRides when theHuge!! houseMom and her equally hefty friends / femaleLodgeEmps run off to theCity!! and then wear out theGears coming back up the steep mountain passes.
Things wouldn’t be so bad for you and theShop mechanics if it weren’t for theHidden cams in theVans that let you see every petty spat, listen to all thelastest Gossip and hear which Princess!! is pregnant and by whom!!
Listening to just the sound tracks of each City excursion alone helps pass the time as you help repair each vehicle-and being a Mechanic isn’t your Job!!
GroundsPeople are responsible for maintaining a safe and orderly workplace according to established standards.
And being theLowly paid professional that you ARE, you leave various tools lying out and about around theMaintainanceBldg each day,
so that various young Princess!! employees can grab, oh say an Claw hammer, an mallet, an crowBar and go back to theParty and assault a few people each week.
Reports any and all safety, environmental and mechanical problems immediately to the Maintenance Manager.
And you often find yourself doing this in form of an “Incident Report” detailing theInjuries, mishaps and theAccidents of various employees.
Like an young Couple blaming thePrincessLodges!! for them getting pregnant after “slipping” on theVan seats late late at night, they “slipped” because the vinyl seats were coated with slippery ArmorAllspray,
But theYooToob postings from thePrnicess!! herself, via HiddenCams, clearly shows that theKids were “slipping” and sliding at least 30mins previous to “theAccident”.
1 year experience involving grounds keeping preferred.
Must be adept at Hydroponics and able to dig hidden tunnels and construct false treelines to keep unwary Hikers and “theFeds” away from the acres and acres of Crop that thePrincess!! uses to subsidize her monthly income,
after all, an happy Princess!! is an happy Lodge and an happy workplace equals happy employees.
And lately, an happy workplace also means an “growing” workforce due to all theGirls munching noStop round theClock!! even the nonPregnants ones and those that don’t smoke weed!!
Must have current, valid Alaska driver's license with clean driving record.
And No. You can’t get your DMV 10yr printout and wash it in the sink, rinse it, dry it and call it good.
Whom else is going to be able to pick up tons and tons of fertilizer, thousands of gallons of fuel and truckLoads of various Oils and lubricants at a time just so thePrincess!! can hoard this stuff away for hard times and for.......
when competition builds any structures close by theLodge!! Kaboom!! and all gone.
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 70 pou.... up to 350lbs when ever Security is found passed out on theFront Lawn or in theBack next to the HorseShoe Pits.
Must submit to drug and alcohol testing throughout employment. *snicker...* LOL.
oh, that’s a good one. I shot pop out my nose, I’ve gotta clean up my Keyboard.
APPLY NOW to make things go boom!!
besides, I've nothing better to do.
Disregard!!
HostCashier
Processes payment transactions and verifies successful completion.
An HostCashier’s duties can be just about anywhere that an popular event going on at various places on theLodgeGrounds.
theHC must be ready at theDrop of a Hat!! to start charging admission and keeping bets and tallies on adhoc gaming events that spring up,
You must have extremely fast Slight-Of-hand tricks up your sleeve and be comfortable wearing an darkVisor and at more Upscale Lodge events you’ll be required to wear at least a Tie.
Assists in performing food and beverage services. As you’ll be walking up and down theStairs calling out “Popcorn!!”, “pepsi!!”, “taquitoWraps and salsa!!”
Remember when theCute Server girl arrived 2 months before Season closed and during one Hot summer day she wiggled into a postage stamp Bikini and sunbathed!?,
theGirls Roommate was quick to start charging everyone in sight for Voyeur privileges and even let some Boys pay to rub some TanningOil on theGirl.
theHostCashier esponds to employees complaints, management threats, and thePrincess!!‘s Customers inquiries. With aplom, lackadaisicalness and glib phrases.
Some experience involving cashier work or customer service assignments preferably at LateNight “Stop-n-Robs” or from various “Pizza Delivery” gigs,
You must be experienced in 10key, QuikServ!!, topMenu!! and suddenFood Illness!! host station softWare Client tracking and snackDispensing programs.
Free Food!?, Dood, Sign me UP!!
APPLY NOW!!
HouseKeepingSupervisor
Supervises the housekeeping and laundry staff, their nefarious activities, and all illicit operations.
First of all, being in a job like this needs certain requirements and first Requirement is that your Girth be bigger than the 45” wide DoubleLoaders and that your Butt be bigger than the 50” wide DryerSpeedDry Loaders.
You’ll find out why in a few sentences.
theHKS coordinates housekeeping and laundry staff according to that weeks recent Cat fights and temper tantrum flareUps betwixt theGirls and any LodgeGuests,
or perhaps according to which of theLittlePrincess!!‘s stole whom evers boyfriend from whom!! and you’ll also coordinate other department activities to process guest accommodations.
Yes we provide an bottomless BarTab just for you!! and all the free smokes you want!!
You have your own 800# to thePrincess!!’s Jobs hotline for next season,
in fact, that’s why we asked you in the first place, just what your 2nd job would be if you weren’t theHouseKeepingSoup!!
Sereptitiously monitors All CuteOnly!! staff activities, and provides training. Trust us, you will be monitoring all theGirls and Boys as they “clean out and redo theGuest rooms via Close circuit tv,
and in case you didn’t know it, whaddaya think those dual Smoke alarms are for in each room?! One’s an actual smoke alarm and the other houses an video cam and sensitive microphones. Some kids “Play Bedroom” when they think that no sup is monitoring them.
Right now thePrincess!! is considering opening up her PrincessChannels!! tv choices to include an extra set of channels exclusively devoted to “PlayBedroom” and “HousingSup Drives to Town with herTonnage friends”.
Performs housekeeping and laundry duties.
Spot checks really. But everyone in theLodge from LineCook to FrontDesk, from Security to GeneralMgr will know how to clean an Room and break down theBedding and bath stocks and reMake and reFurbish, ahh..
everyone but YOU. You’re going to be theHouseKeepingSup!! and therefore your attendant duties will involve carrying out management responsibilities in accordance with thePrincess!! abusive policies,
her Impossible!! objectives and with just adhering to a few applicable government laws and regulations that herHighness!! chooses to obey.
an High School diploma or equivalent certifications downLoaded and copied from theInet as appropriate.
Along with just ONE demonstration of directly related work experience, which has provided an equivalent breadth, and depth of knowledge (which byTheway should not exceed thePhysical Breadth, Depth and Girth of YOU) and may be considered in lieu of the educational requirement.
You must have the ability to prioritize work, meet deadlines, ClothesLines, maintains an attention to accuracy and detail, while working in a team or group environment.
And we mean Attention to Detail here, as one past HouseKeeperSup got mad at everyone at theLodge!! snuck downstairs and exchanged theFabricSoftener with ClothesDissolve,
So that when some LodgeGuests!! used the washing machines they later had their Clothes fall off their bodies because theDissolve weakened theThreading,
and there was theIncident after theKidz in theEmployeeLodging!! used theClothesDetergent and theColoring that you added made everyone’s clothes hotPink!!
the ability to comply with company health and safety requirements as they pertain to 15hr workshifts and whether or not you use gojariPaddles or horseWhips to keep theKidz awake and washin’, folding’, steamPressing and sorting laundry,
this is where your Immense Size comes in handy-as eventually your Kidz will revolt and attempt to stuff you in theWashers or Dryers.
Ability to clearly communicate, verbally and in writing, with all levels of employees, management, and customers all your gripes, your recent Off-duty sexcapades, your latest gossips and any backBiting you may feel like sharing.
This job normally requires one year of progressively responsible positions in housekeeping. But if you toss your Hair and clack your Gum loudly during theNominee Interview in front of thePrincess!! she’ll put you at top of theList!!
Demonstrated supervisory experience in a business environment is preferred.
And it doesn’t hurt to get theAccent Just right when you say.
“Shott, too dolla, Pentz tree dolla, Big poop stenz Fo dolla exta., No Statch and no I won.”
Sign Me UP!!
APPLY NOW!!
HousePerson
(listen up NOW, these new HousePerson Regs are 2007 era and must be adhered to strictly, You’ll find out why shortly unless you’ve hired an personalAssistant, an “HouseBoy” or StandIn to Interview for you)
an HP performs scheduled deep-cleaning maintenance of all theLodgeGuest!! rooms to include weekly Hallway cleaning and including theGreatRooms, MeetingConference Rooms and Stairwells throughout theLodges.
That means getting wet, getting dirty and operating HighPower / HurricanForce wet/Dry vacuams and wearing PPE / personal protective equipment / peoples propagation evidence.
We had a few “Princess!!’s” an season or two back that brought along their Cabanna boys and personal butlers and as their Assistants did theWork day after day, they lounged by thePool and worked on their Tans and cavorted with theRich WealthyGuests,
Only thePrincess!! herself gets to work on her tan with theGuests and sip Margaritas from theSwimUp Bars before 6pm in theGuestPools in theLodge!!
an HP monitors department supplies, makes routine deliveries, and maintains (stocks) supply closets.
Therefore each HP will undergo daily breathalyzer testing and weekly blood samples to detect theDrinking of any cleaning agents, detergents and industrial supplies.
Operates cleaning equipment, to include theFilling of and emptying the2000Gal pools and the Dozen 100gal whirlpools throughout theLodge!!,
and for theWinterTime, each HP will operate theMiniZamboni in theLodgeSkatingRink each night for Pre-show, mid-Show and afterwards when theNudeFollies finish skating!!
Identifies maintenance issues and makes appropriate notification.
Including determining which “I hate thePrincess!!” stairwell graffitti is current or year before last and is therefore Irrelevant or NOT,
Will determine if theGuest Elevator will suddenly “stopWorking” or not upon any bitchy / grumpy cheap Guests and will determine exactly how many hours it will remain “out of service”
Will determine if theSurface cleaning agents leave an Slick, or Slippery enough, or an really QuckFall residue upon theFront reception / Lobby marble for when any large group of Guests arrive and they’re rumored to be bitchy, cheap and grumpy!!
an High school diploma and/or relevant Internet copied equivalent will suffice. As will be an basic understanding of theEnglish language,
And each HP must have an working: iNano, iPad, or an LG, Kiyosara or MoRola equivalent phone/Music player to wear while working,
and you will let thePrincess!! listen to your downLoads for a minute to determine your GhettoNess, or HipHoppityness, or flat out Punksta flave.
As part of theListening tests, You theHP nominee will also have to listen to recorded OldPeople clamoring for help, clamoring for Attention because they’re lost in theLodge!!,
or because of some other petty need they might have and your iNano needs to be loud enough to NOT hear theRecordings thePrincess!! will play for you.
Some experience in housekeeping preferred and for theGuys, some StripClub dance experience a plus as you will be FrontLine there amongst theGuests on an daily basis and you’ll be expected to interact, cavort appropriately enough with and charm theOlder ladies-Just like Security does, or at least attempts too.
And you girls that apply to these HP jobs, Get an Oval Ring, get some BC patches, stock up on Condoms and learn how to make Coffee for you and any Guests you end up Partying with after hours or even during Shift!!
And you must not have had ANY children, though lately on theInet with what Girls are Docking / Driving / Parking inside themselves, we might have to change this requirement next year.
Minimum age of 18 is required for theGirls. and waivers to work in service areas where alcohol is present where a minimum age of 21 required when you aren’t over 21.
I Wanna Be an Lush!!
APPLY NOW!!
LaundryAttendant
Routinely processes laundry items and as such, you must be willing to sort through all theGuest bedding laundry and not ever question theBloodStains, or any other Stains upon theBedding,
You must unflinchingly stick your 5mm thick, gloved hands into such laundry all day and be able to wear at least an pained expression at the end of the day and still-Your makeup must be Flawless!!
For you girls, your BarTabs will be half off and you late shifters will get free Rides with Security back and forth from theLodge!! to theEmployeeHousingModules and theLineCooks will leave leftOver cookies for you in theLodgeLaundry rooms.
Assists in performing housekeeping duties as needed by Staff requirements and as such, you must be willing to demonstrate Sheet folding for theHKS by folding an King or Queen sheet into an BusinessEnvelop sized packet in 10seconds flat.
And you must be willing to fold up an King size comforter into a pillow sized throw in 4 seconds.
Other duties will be attending an mandatory 4hr Heating/Ventilation & AirConditioning Operations course with Maintenance so that you can step into Rooms first and end up HeatwavingOut or FreezingOut theChronicComplaining guests.
Must be vocal enough to help out in theLounge / Bar when theKaroake hour is slow and if that happens then for that Hour your BarTab is bottomless so that you can SING!!
Also must be “Hip” enough and musically inclined to literally play band on special occasions, You can get together with theHousePersons, theBarTenders, some Servers and one FrontDesk girl and practice each afternoon before hitting theStage!!
You might be familiar with some ex employees of thePrincessLodges!! whom did exactly this musical thing, they’re touring theGlobe right now playing to packed DeathMetal audiences as “InaudibleDistortion!!”
Like we stated earlier, some experience involving housekeeping preferred but if you’ve spent all day doing laundry we’ll forgo any roomMaking for you and just let you unplug theToilets and scrub theShowers.
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 50... up to 350lbs singlehandedly and at least attempt to shove Her into theFrontLoaders or theDoubleLoad washers when she gets too bitchy at you and clacks her gum a little too much for your patience.
Yah, WhatEver!!
APPLY NOW!!
LineCook Lead and LineCooks
Monitors the food preparation production of theCooks and DishWashing Operations and the Server & Kitchen staff activities.
Basically just leave theScreaming and posturing to that stupid jerk that hosts “hellsKitchen” on tv. Or else to thePrincess!!’s when ever she or her sisters step into theKitchen and abuse theHelp.
You MUST monitor theAutomated Dishwashing machine when it is in operation and do an hourly headCount of all Kitchen staff to insure that theMachine doesn’t eat or maim any of theKidz.
Monitors food preparation, verifies successful completion and supervises kitchen staff operations.
All Leads must be well versed in SmallArms, bladed weapons and bluntObject use to insure that theDailySeafood fares that leave theKitchen are D-E-A-D,
and to insure that theWaterFowl, thePork, theBeef and theExotic game meats are truly D-E-A-D and cooked thorougly before leaving theKitchen.
thePrincess!! doesn’t want any more “PeekingDuck!! incidents like last ThanksgivingDay and when theHeadChef splices open theExoticSnakes and GiantSquid and their babies come squirming out “Alive”,
remember that it’s just residual cooking heat and convection that makes theInnards seem alive!!
it took hours to revive thePrincess!! at theBrooksRangeLodge!! for an Anniversary dinner she threw for her mother and theSquid was still “alive”.
We got that one episode on tape as well!!
an outrageously expensive & ridiculously overhyped Culinary degree or equivalent Internet copied certifications accepted.
Hey, as long as you don’t burn theBoiled water thePrincess!! won’t complain if you want to cook for her. And to that end at least 1 year experience in commercial food preparation is recommended.
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 40 pounds.. augh.. We meant, must be willing to even raise your voice at the 250lbs NightSecurity or at the 350lbs girls if you catch them in theWalkInFreezers eating desserts and other snack items.
Sign up for this, at least be near theCheeseCake!!
APPLY NOW!!
LuggageHandler
Works under moderate supervision to provide luggage handling, shuttle service and porter service for thePrincess!! and her personal Guests that she may trussUp in BondageRestraints and Pallet & ShrinkWrap for safe transport into theState and out ofState.
Blondes require BallGag soft mouth & body restraints and no duct tape, Brunettes need Leather and metal restraints as they are more fiesty and RedHeads need their own sedatives and a cage!!
And all theBDSM guests that may “visit” thePrincess!! each month need to be safely handled with Front end loaders and fork lifts, and minimum of 2 employees are required to safeHandle a “guest” with handDollies.
LG’s may also assist in handling of Guest luggage, but as of late, with all the Airline poundage restrictions going down to 40lbs or even 30lbs per bag and carry on, all theTouristGuests just opt to carrying minimum clothing changes and just carrying their own luggage,
actually, theLG handler job was made Obsolete last year, but because thePrincess!!’s are bringing in their own special Guests each month, they keep theLG position open just for whimsical sake.
May assist in front desk operations or clerical duties as needed and all male LG’s need to raise their voices at least 2 octaves and be Sugar and Honey itself when answering thePhones!!
Previous experience in customer service preferred and must be adept at “skating” on your Brass luggage porter and you must be able to use it as an weapon upon any rampaging HouseKeepers and Laundry,
if you survivors and any returning Emps recall, we had an rampage incident when theCandy supplies ran out in Guest services and one female HouseKeeping threw an hissy fit,
an entire regiment of Luggage Handlers / BellBoys perished in theSlaughter, they were overrun repeatedly by Angry Tonnage and not even their luggage carts could save them. godz rest their souls!!
Must be able to lift and/or move up to 350lbs!!
Sign here if Pain is Your Friend!!
APPLY NOW!!
Restaurant & LoungeManager
Manages the UpperClass and theRitz!! restaurants and oversees theBar & Lounge staff and operations to include thePrincess!!Adult lounges too.
If you can cook it, make it presentable on thePlate and charge minimum $20 for it with 15% gratuity tacked on then THEY will come!!
If you can cook it, make it presentable so much so that all theHorned up males will really be interested in theSucculent Clams and Breast Cutlets that your servers set in front of them in theAdult Lounge (when real live Clams and brests are shaking inches from their faces) and charge Double for each plate with 15% gratuity tacked on then Those suckers will come!!
Measures food and beverage service and quality against established PrincessAlaskan!! standards, and as such a smidgen is more than a skosh and a heap is less then a lot and yet more than SomeMore!!
You’ll come to understand that when a drop of water sweats off an LodgeGuests beer that around theWorld another gust of sand whips up and briefly moves theFlys from the Lips of theStarving child,
that when your Cute Lead Bartender’s cleavage bounces twice per step that up above thePrincessLodges!! Orbiting Satellites rate of orbital decay diminishes 100ft per quarterMillion earth minutes
and that’s not counting solar wind deflection off theHouse sized panels that power theBus sized motors that slave theServers for theComputers that power up theCamera lenses!!
it’s all in perspective my friends, and here at theBar & Lounge, when you look through theGlass or in an Princess!! bar fight-you get thrown through theGlass!! it’s all suddenly in perspective.
You’ll monitor food & beverage and Liquor sales against food and beverage consumption and compare that against CuteFemale Lick her!! performances and against any other of thePrincess!’s lofty expectations and goals.
You’ll see if theTequila shots sold deplete theSalt supllies and if you need to order more Lemons!!
You’ll see if theBrownChocolate powder needs to be replaced with genuine chocolate chunks that trusted Employees can and will grind daily into powder so you can serve those “Chocolate” themed drinks more or Less!!
You’ll carry out management responsibilities in accordance with theUnattainable policies, hidden objectives and silly but applicable government laws and regulations as suggested feebly by govt regulators to thePrincess!! as thelast group of Inspectors and booksBrowsing suit wearing fools that stormed into theLodge!!
were quickly sent packing after a few stern words from thePrincess!! herself and a few well placed breastSlaps administered by herMammary’s themselves!!
Three years of progressively responsible positions in restaurant food and beverage operations.
Preferably progressing from bright eyed well dressed, chipper human to soul-beaten, shell of your former self that has to progressively ascend bar stool by barSeat by bar rail and with assistance from the nearest Bar Maid or sober customer.
All demonstrated supervisory experiences required and all the professional levels of knowledge equivalent to what would be acquired through culinary degrees or equivalent certifications.
Proficiency in the use of computer business applications and the inimum age of 21 is required.
See!? this job is so bare minimum that the "M" is gone from the Listing!!
Sure!! I wanna wet my pants each week after hours!!
APPLY NOW!!
Server
Routinely takes food and beverage orders, serves customers, and collects payment.
Must be able to be blonde and ditzy, lusty & busty and yet memorize no less than 40orders at once and keep tabs on every soul in the place that breathes and be able to detect and count theMoney / $ moving in their pockets.
Must be able to say no to an Roommate, an boy/girl friend if they’ve had too much to drink, must be able to balance the equivalent of theWeight of an small refrigerator per arm (all theFood trays) and hustle to the waiting guests more deftly than any tightEnd, safety or linebacker could dance through players on the football field!!
Assists with set-up and cleaning, and food order preparation. And during major Holidays and AFTER said holidays YOU must might not be theOnly sober & Working one to do all of theAbove kitchen work, serving and cashiering too.
Must not be allergic to Paint or be shy as theBar walls currently STILL display the “Butt”erfly rubbings adminstered by an rowdy group of LodgeGuests!! via theCute fleshy cheeks of an serverPrincess!!
And she’s currently on an retirement cruize around theWorld from all theTips she made that remainder season!!
also must have an Heart of Stone to hawk and pawn off greasy, high fat foods to just about everyone!! And to occasionally try to get the non drinkers to try One small drink, this is where your “Innie” navel comes in handy!! so you can let skittish customers drink from your body.
High school diploma or equivalent. 1 year experience in food serving preferred.
Minimum age of 21 required and all appropriate TAM’s, HEAD, Keys2, and SwervSafe!! certification is required.
Sign me UP!!
APPLY NOW!!
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Ok ok... I’m finished!!
But not quite. As thePrincess!! wanted me to share an wonderful salad recipe for all of you to enjoy as much as she enjoys theCucumbers and theOlive oil!!
ooookk. here goes.
thePrincessLodge!! handTossed Greek Salad !!
Serves two Princess!!‘s for large salads, or four of her famished employees for smaller salads
Ingredients:
leafy Salad:
3 “DD” cups of mixed salad greens (showered and washed clean first!!)
1/2 to 3/4 of an sweet Red onion. odWalla’s are the best!! Real sweet and juicy. Slice thinly.
4 Large ripe tomatoes each cut to eight wedges.
12slices Euro cucumber
1 cup of goats milk, or sheeps milk cheese
1/2 cup of Ofetta olives, save thePits for later when you Spit them through straws at nearby Guests
unDressing:
2 garlic cloves. crush their Hopes and dreams and mince them!!
2 or 3 Tbs samic vinegarette, this being Summer and Mosquito season, Swig from theBottle too!!
2 tsp Dijon mustard, and if you must, yes. Take theLodgeLimo’s and stop each other quipping “Pardon me, would you have any Graves poupon!?”
1/2 tsp chopped fresh organo
1 to 2 tsp chopped fresh leafed parsley
handMix all the above ingredients, add half-cup & a dash!! of extra virgin olive oil
btw, do you ever wonder why thePrincess!!’s bests, belly and butt are shiny and slick in the afternoons in theKitchen!?,
it’s cos she adds extra Oil to things by hand and often rubs her hands to soften her Skin!!
Presentation:
In an crystal bowl, hand toss the onions, the tomatoes, the cucumbers and the olives with the dressing,
then artfully arrange the loose leafy salad greens on the Kiln-fired china plates,
You want to be dividing the tomatoes and the rest evenly between plates and top with the crumbled cheese.
Serve with flair and customary BosomJiggles!! that all thePrincess!!’s have trademarked,
and in case anyone needs extra olive oil, just turn around and spread yourself, where you keep theDispenser bottleCap and deliver some Oil that’s been warmed up to 98.5deg F!!
That's theGreek "Part" of this Salad, or else you can keep extra greens, tomatos and cheese stored up there.
Deposit Big Tip into Garter belt!!
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luvs, theSam!!
slflyinghorse
anchorage, ak
