Leaving Myself Behind
As posted to RecoveryFromMormonism forums.
-----------------------------------
Subject: Leaving myself behind.
Date: Jul 26 04:29
Author: theSam!!
hi everyone,
tis I theSam!! from the land of alaska,
if you've lost your grandparents suddenly, don't worry,
they're up HERE a spell visiting me!! d:oP
Today (friday) I took some time off for me,
it was my 3rd standbyVisit to theNative Hospital for Dental clinic but this time,
I did it for me and not because I was busy and working on the Other Standby visit days,
I also took my acoustic guitar with me and sat in theFoodCourt-courtYard and fretted around a bit after having some teeth pulled,
I ate soft foods, took my pain meds and locked into a few chord progressions and hummed aloud and earned a few compliments from workers and patients alike,
then later this eve, I finished theNight by washing my clothes for the upcoming week,
it's great to live life without the Nuisance that became life in Mormondumb,
No worries about other Morgbot men checking up on me and trotting me around to others while we do HT or Fellowshipping, etc.
No outmoded and outdated standards to live up to, and no grandiose expectations to strive for either,
It's just me on planet earth and I live day by day, week to week and I don't think about the future anymore, at least not like I used to, which for a majority of us ExMos,
was a dysfunctional way of thinking and rationalizing, bargaining with theMomoGod and plotting to earn points in the eyes of fellow ward members.
but on theWalk home I was brought back to theReality regarding another part of me that I also left behind,
Halfway home along theBusy street, long after the days bus service ended,
I saw her sitting on the bus stop bench.
Cold, tired, wanting to sleep, aching and bruised, crying and holding her head in her hands.
Time was when I had seen various, similar bodyLanguage posture from my various female Villagers when I once lived and servedOthers as an state Commissioned officer,
but today, I walked past thePhilipino woman who was crying in the, droplets that soon became, rain.
I rationalized to myself, that I had helped hundreds of others like her before, had spent hundreds or thousands of dollars from my own pocket,
had spent thousands of manHours in and out of uniform, On and Off theState clock stopping to ask "hey... what's wrong!?"
and then sticking with my various femaleVictims of: DVE / domesticViolenceEvents / abuse, themselves via alcohol & drug abuse, sexCrimes and abuse etc,
I'd stick with them and most of them were turned over to theState or at least, first to theVillage!!, then theState did step in to help out,
but I don't do that anymore,
Not tonight, probably not tomorrow, or ever again,
because, just like living as a mormon,
being in uniform and serving theAlaskanNatives,
it didn't pan out for me like I had planned,
No matter how much I gave to theVillage!!
no matter how much I patrolled, no matter how many liters of alcohol, or cases of beer or pounds of pot and other hard drugs I took from Villagers and poured out and burned at theVillageDump!!
no matter how justified I was in finally using force to defend another female victim suffering "IN" the act of being beaten or assaulted, or even from saving myself from further aggression and attack,
nothing good came of it for me,
perhaps a few things personally, but nothing that I hoped and prayed for,
my one fiance in Seattle,
a gorgeous blonde woman, taught me the hard way to Believe what happens to me,
she taught me by abusing me (eventually) and using me,
and backing out on commitments she made herself, and she taught me by breaking my heart,
and so it was that, no matter how my heart ached personally or professionally for theAlaskan Natives I served a few years ago,
and perhaps to including, seeing a few Inebriates now and then THIS PAST year alone and calling Police / ambulance help for them when they were Out in theCold, that I too,
had to believe what people told me by showing me,
and tonight I walked past theWoman on theBench.
I grieve, but I move on.
I cry, even now thinking of all this, but I'm ok.
I'm finishing up my cans of pop that I got at theLaundry down the street, drinking them and the last bottle of Rum I have, I really sip what I bring home,
Ha.. and a coworker of mine that I go out drinking with some nights, she goes through a small bottle AND she drives!!
I suppose I'm still out there on my mission,
in theApt somewhere, caught in a moment when an MishComp was mentally berating me for incompetence, or race, or inferior intelligence, etc,
I suppose I'm still there at Navy bootcamp when my MishPezdent whom was an hour away, didn't attend a graduation ceremony that, for me was a turning point in my adult life, even when he promised to be there etc,
I suppose I'm still there on theAircraft carriers when One by one, my mish buddies and the sweet sisters that I wrote to,
and quietly loved, all turned their backs on my,
and theSisters told me of Race and my inferiority to them, and my curse as a lamanite etc,
all these times, my heart was broken, again and again by people that should have known better,
and I'm still out there in theVillage!!
still a conduit to certain dreams from theDeceased that still hang around!!
One deceased woman still woke me up at night sometimes,
especially when problems raged in her families household just across theVillage!!
She'd bang on my door,
"reece is fighting my dad!!",
"Jace has a gun, hurry please VPSO!!",
"Sam!!"
And her footsteps would retreat down the hall.
I suppose that many of us are still there,
in theTemples, and theWardhouses, in the StakeDances and even in homes of friends we once knew,
when Reality came crashing down and theBlinders came off to what really was,
while everyone else still danced, still sang,
still smiled and acted out theSick sick play of mormonism,
in a way,
Life is similar and very personal to each of us,
Just hang in there,
all my life,
outside of Morgdumb,
I've seen, personally-for myself, that a God lives,
that there is a place for me "over There",
have seen that my own family and ancestors are still together and dwelling as family, and are happy,
so with all that, theBlow of leaving Moronism, or rather,
of having it leave Me so long ago, wasn't hard at all.
And I see that some ExMo's have a tough time with their lives,
Just hang in there,
I am loving my musical adventures these last 2 yrs while living in Anchorage,
I hide from life, and wash dishes and have cooked and cleaned and served in other Bars and Restaurants,
and am picking up my musical interests,
It's really hard having Piano scales, chords and Guitar & Violin scales, chords and notes running around too.
But it's possible,
I play a little in public while waiting for a bus, or just sitting, I'm starting to hum and vocalize publicly now,
Never would I have done this were I still a Mormon,
I'd be too busy going to meetings and to church and worrying on how to be pleasing to other people instead of pleasing myself first,
Mormonism was really stifling,
no creativity encourage, no challenges at all,
they wanted you to conform and not stand out.
Fuck that!!
and fuck the mormon cult!!
hang in there and keep posting everyone!!
We believe in you, we joy in your Recovery,
we laugh With you in lightmindednessTherapy,
and we also mourn with You in your trials of Life,
always,
a friend,
theSam!! aka "abel"-my temple Name!!
Samuel L. Flyinghorse
Anchorage, Alaska
-alaskavillagetales-
-----------------------------------
Subject: Leaving myself behind.
Date: Jul 26 04:29
Author: theSam!!
hi everyone,
tis I theSam!! from the land of alaska,
if you've lost your grandparents suddenly, don't worry,
they're up HERE a spell visiting me!! d:oP
Today (friday) I took some time off for me,
it was my 3rd standbyVisit to theNative Hospital for Dental clinic but this time,
I did it for me and not because I was busy and working on the Other Standby visit days,
I also took my acoustic guitar with me and sat in theFoodCourt-courtYard and fretted around a bit after having some teeth pulled,
I ate soft foods, took my pain meds and locked into a few chord progressions and hummed aloud and earned a few compliments from workers and patients alike,
then later this eve, I finished theNight by washing my clothes for the upcoming week,
it's great to live life without the Nuisance that became life in Mormondumb,
No worries about other Morgbot men checking up on me and trotting me around to others while we do HT or Fellowshipping, etc.
No outmoded and outdated standards to live up to, and no grandiose expectations to strive for either,
It's just me on planet earth and I live day by day, week to week and I don't think about the future anymore, at least not like I used to, which for a majority of us ExMos,
was a dysfunctional way of thinking and rationalizing, bargaining with theMomoGod and plotting to earn points in the eyes of fellow ward members.
but on theWalk home I was brought back to theReality regarding another part of me that I also left behind,
Halfway home along theBusy street, long after the days bus service ended,
I saw her sitting on the bus stop bench.
Cold, tired, wanting to sleep, aching and bruised, crying and holding her head in her hands.
Time was when I had seen various, similar bodyLanguage posture from my various female Villagers when I once lived and servedOthers as an state Commissioned officer,
but today, I walked past thePhilipino woman who was crying in the, droplets that soon became, rain.
I rationalized to myself, that I had helped hundreds of others like her before, had spent hundreds or thousands of dollars from my own pocket,
had spent thousands of manHours in and out of uniform, On and Off theState clock stopping to ask "hey... what's wrong!?"
and then sticking with my various femaleVictims of: DVE / domesticViolenceEvents / abuse, themselves via alcohol & drug abuse, sexCrimes and abuse etc,
I'd stick with them and most of them were turned over to theState or at least, first to theVillage!!, then theState did step in to help out,
but I don't do that anymore,
Not tonight, probably not tomorrow, or ever again,
because, just like living as a mormon,
being in uniform and serving theAlaskanNatives,
it didn't pan out for me like I had planned,
No matter how much I gave to theVillage!!
no matter how much I patrolled, no matter how many liters of alcohol, or cases of beer or pounds of pot and other hard drugs I took from Villagers and poured out and burned at theVillageDump!!
no matter how justified I was in finally using force to defend another female victim suffering "IN" the act of being beaten or assaulted, or even from saving myself from further aggression and attack,
nothing good came of it for me,
perhaps a few things personally, but nothing that I hoped and prayed for,
my one fiance in Seattle,
a gorgeous blonde woman, taught me the hard way to Believe what happens to me,
she taught me by abusing me (eventually) and using me,
and backing out on commitments she made herself, and she taught me by breaking my heart,
and so it was that, no matter how my heart ached personally or professionally for theAlaskan Natives I served a few years ago,
and perhaps to including, seeing a few Inebriates now and then THIS PAST year alone and calling Police / ambulance help for them when they were Out in theCold, that I too,
had to believe what people told me by showing me,
and tonight I walked past theWoman on theBench.
I grieve, but I move on.
I cry, even now thinking of all this, but I'm ok.
I'm finishing up my cans of pop that I got at theLaundry down the street, drinking them and the last bottle of Rum I have, I really sip what I bring home,
Ha.. and a coworker of mine that I go out drinking with some nights, she goes through a small bottle AND she drives!!
I suppose I'm still out there on my mission,
in theApt somewhere, caught in a moment when an MishComp was mentally berating me for incompetence, or race, or inferior intelligence, etc,
I suppose I'm still there at Navy bootcamp when my MishPezdent whom was an hour away, didn't attend a graduation ceremony that, for me was a turning point in my adult life, even when he promised to be there etc,
I suppose I'm still there on theAircraft carriers when One by one, my mish buddies and the sweet sisters that I wrote to,
and quietly loved, all turned their backs on my,
and theSisters told me of Race and my inferiority to them, and my curse as a lamanite etc,
all these times, my heart was broken, again and again by people that should have known better,
and I'm still out there in theVillage!!
still a conduit to certain dreams from theDeceased that still hang around!!
One deceased woman still woke me up at night sometimes,
especially when problems raged in her families household just across theVillage!!
She'd bang on my door,
"reece is fighting my dad!!",
"Jace has a gun, hurry please VPSO!!",
"Sam!!"
And her footsteps would retreat down the hall.
I suppose that many of us are still there,
in theTemples, and theWardhouses, in the StakeDances and even in homes of friends we once knew,
when Reality came crashing down and theBlinders came off to what really was,
while everyone else still danced, still sang,
still smiled and acted out theSick sick play of mormonism,
in a way,
Life is similar and very personal to each of us,
Just hang in there,
all my life,
outside of Morgdumb,
I've seen, personally-for myself, that a God lives,
that there is a place for me "over There",
have seen that my own family and ancestors are still together and dwelling as family, and are happy,
so with all that, theBlow of leaving Moronism, or rather,
of having it leave Me so long ago, wasn't hard at all.
And I see that some ExMo's have a tough time with their lives,
Just hang in there,
I am loving my musical adventures these last 2 yrs while living in Anchorage,
I hide from life, and wash dishes and have cooked and cleaned and served in other Bars and Restaurants,
and am picking up my musical interests,
It's really hard having Piano scales, chords and Guitar & Violin scales, chords and notes running around too.
But it's possible,
I play a little in public while waiting for a bus, or just sitting, I'm starting to hum and vocalize publicly now,
Never would I have done this were I still a Mormon,
I'd be too busy going to meetings and to church and worrying on how to be pleasing to other people instead of pleasing myself first,
Mormonism was really stifling,
no creativity encourage, no challenges at all,
they wanted you to conform and not stand out.
Fuck that!!
and fuck the mormon cult!!
hang in there and keep posting everyone!!
We believe in you, we joy in your Recovery,
we laugh With you in lightmindednessTherapy,
and we also mourn with You in your trials of Life,
always,
a friend,
theSam!! aka "abel"-my temple Name!!
Samuel L. Flyinghorse
Anchorage, Alaska
-alaskavillagetales-
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