Contemporary Village!!
Village Workouts for theContemporaryVillager!!
-theSam!!
trained as a Spoof!! in theVillage!! years ago,
yet threw OUT the training manuals and just winging it!!
-theSam!!
so totally in theBag!!
theGoldSpray paint forms a ring around his Neck!!
*Huuufffsss and Huffss!!*
-theSam!!
giving you yet another Reason to double check your Kid’z homework for korrict spellan and Gramar,
to recheck for Thot clearity and idea consisenass and above all else - Coherency!!
-theSam!!
for whom the rock song,“Alcohol & Ass!!” was written,
cos when he drinks, he just sits on his!!
mehh... and occasionally he becomes one.
-theSam!!
Building villageVoices!! just about anywhere an Arrest happenz!!
theVillageSam!!’s Incomplete Guide to Getting Ready to Sing!!
(as inspired by his Vocal books, Instructional CD’s and theTBN music channel that he watches nightly on tv!!)
VocalWarmUps!!
Think of your voice, as theCoddledCorporateNative-child of theVillage!!
after all, it’s what you really think, it’s how you were brought up anyway since birth, and besides,
YOU were here in theVillage!! long before theSam!! and those other pesky VPSO’s ever set foot in Alaska,
so that makes you Relevant, Needed, Necessary and therefore Entitled to Drink in your Dry village!!
When you think about it really, in learning Vocalization and in building up your Voice!!
You gotta hand it to theHot shapely preTeenNieces of yours with 3 or 4 children.
cos it’s those tiny Infants that shall always teach you!! oh Adult villager, in how to sing and vocalize and basically - BuildUp Your voice!!
Just listen to your 2nd Cousin (twice removed!! Literally!! as theTribalCouncil and theVPSO had to physically remove her from Grandmas house, from thePost Office and theChapelChurch 4x each just this Month alone!!) or rather, Just listen to her Newborn son.
He goes,, “bbrrrr” with his tiny lil mouth!! In vocal circles, he’s “Lip Trilling!!”
And if you watch any of theOlderAdults in theVillage!! after they’ve loaded themselves up with strongDrink!!
they’ll sit in stupor and stare at Sam!! as he questions them and tries to draw out them out of their Warm, fuzzy drunken cocoon they’re wrapped inside!!
They’ll drool on themselves, purse their Lips and go... “bbrrrrrrrrbbbpprrrrrrrrrrtphththtthtpth!!” and end it with spitting inadvertently upon Sam!!
If you Lip Trill into an Korg chromaticTuner, you can ascent from an Moanful, “sighing G” and go up in incremental steps of A#, C, D and so on.
And after that, some people just opt to leap right into the 2nd, 3rd and 4th steps of VoiceBuilding.
which is basically singing Knee!!, No!!, Noo!! and Know!!
Oftimes those veryVillagers!! that vocalize while theVPSO is trying to figure out what to do with them,
are really Just HELPING theOfficers along and telling them What they want done to them, because they (theInebriateVillagers!!) were drinking in the first place and got caught.
They’re telling you THIS!!
1. Brrrrrr!! as in, I’m totally drunk and need to get tossed Outside in theSnow bank awhile!!
Or if it’s summer, just let me go outside without my shirt on!! and i’ll feed theMosquitos awhile.
2. Neeeee!!! as in, if I get assaultive upon You or my Family, Please. I insist that You Sam!! use your knee and help me with my singingPractice,
Really thrust it into my SolarPlexus and help me get theExtra air outta my lungs for me wouldja!! Woojjaa!? please?!
And then, take me down to theFloor / Ground upon my face and put my hands behind my back and “Knee-l” upon my head like your StateTroopTrainers taught you!!
3. No!! as in, Sam!!, when I’m screaming “No” at you, I’m not telling you to stop striking me with your Baton after I shove you away and pick up a hunting knife or reach for my rifle,
I’m not telling you to stop spraying my face with that OC spray, nor am I telling you to stop Jolting me with that Taser gun, I’m just vocalizing and like ALL performance professionals,
I see you, but am all wrapped up in myself in practice / performance to stop for you.
After all, when singing (and playing in public) you get to a point where you smoothly and effortlessly sing and play while people come and go, they talk, they eat, etc.
So, never mind my screams of “NO!!” sam, I’m not telling you to stop, in fact.
Hit me again!!,
and with theTasergun, pleaseee!! - “Hit me again!!”,
Maybe that last fullBody tense up via theTaser’s electronic muscle innervating disruption will help me go up an Octave!! and help me get out of my 3 octave range that everybody seems to just naturally have.
In fact, I’m jealous that my Wife / Girlfriend can scream in terror much louder than me, and with more Octave range,
Just jealously terrified!!
In fact, that’s probably why I had my hands around her Neck and choking before YOU arrived at my house Sam!!
4. NOH!! as in, the extended, elongated version of “no”.
Like when you spin me around theRoom sam and then drop me,
my kids thought I was a siren because I spun so fast, and screamed out NOOHH!! so suddenly and longly then cut Out when you put your Knee to my back!!
See!?
a simple yet effective villageVocal workout and it all starts with looking at an Wiggle-worm infant and imitating him / her with Lip trills and then, looking at an StuporInduced adult and Lip trilling like them!!
And don’t worry about Sam!! or any of his fellow VPSO’s vocal training.
They get plenty of VerbiageLines to utter while in training at theStateAcademy!!
TheOfficers!! first start out mincing with these accusatory vignettes!!
“michael, are you ok!?”
“Mi--cha--el!?”,
*waves at zombifiedLooking villageMan*
“michael, have Yoo been drinking!? hmm!?,
are those your clothes over there!?”
*points to womenz clothes on the Sofa*
*then Sam!! takes clothes to his DutyTruck, where a crying, sobbing female puts them on*
SIGH
But when situations are more violent,
theOfficers get more vocal with their “Voice students” in theVillage!!
“Put down the baseball bat Seth or I’ll taser you, Put IT DOWN!!”
These Officers and their villageVocal contemporaries get daily practice OutThere!!
But if I were you, I’d stick with starting out in vocal basics and just lip trill, then try to Knee, No and NOH without ANY DomesticViolence on your part and preferably,
when you’re NOT under theInfluence of Drugs / Alcohol please!!
In fact, spend some of your hard “earned” GovtAssistance / GA funds that you get each month, to buy a musical instrument, like a cheap guitar or an cheap Keyboard (like theSam!! did)
and play that instead of trying to be VillageOrchestralConductor and causing havoc in theVillage!!
after all, it’s theVillageCouncil’s job to be “conductor”, especially theLeadingChief or in his absence, His oldest most Inebriate and halfConscious GrandDaughters!!
And speaking of Partied Out, gasping-for-breath Villagers!!
since theSam!! is still Causing raspy Voices in theVillage!!, even though he basically left over 5yrs ago,
when you first practice vocalizing you’ll run into some problems.
And one of these will be a RaspyVoice!!
Ask yourself.
-Are you coming down with a Cold!?,
I mean, you might consider wearing a Coat, a scarf and.... I dunno.
Maybe some gloves and a Cap in theWinter instead of traipsing around half-Dressed!!
I mean, your assCrack shows every time you stoop over, your cuteBelly jiggles and we can all see your Sexy Navel piercing that you got over theWeekend you were supposed to start Paying theVillage!! / theCity!! / theState!! for excess damages done to property,
and we can see theBooberz just flopping around under your T-shirt.
*ahem...*
as for theGirls dressing THIS way!!
Put on some shoes or else get back In that Car!!
cos we all know that theMen will get small expensive items and theWomen will blow their support / PayBack money on external, Tangible
(and Sam!! seizable / impoundable) things like a car, or clothes or alcohol & drugs!!
You NONvillagers!! might wonder where I’m going with this thought, “are you getting a cold?!”
So hold on just a sec. and reREAD the LAST above paragraph and I’ve already told you the answer!! and it’s basically that theVillagers!! will blow their $ and end up walking, thus, BEING OUT in theCOLD!!
Ask yourself.
-Did you sleep in a room with dry air!?
I mean, besides sleeping in theVillageHoldingCell!! and theSam!! is close by.
What with his veryDRY sense of humor just emmanating off HIM and bombarding you with boredom!!
In fact, did you sleep in a dry village!?
if so, you might have worsened your voice Calling UP all your BootLegger contacts and all your Drinking buds to get them to pitch in on another BoozeRun for you and you wore out your voice while StandingOUTside in theCold!!
See!!, theSam!! “appears” to get offTrack with his thoughts but he knows what he’s saying!!
Ask yourself.
-are you drinking enough water!?
and that should be immediately answered with a resounding “Yes!!”
albeit, distilled and bottled water that has been treated and purified PRIOR to being added to theBrewery process / distillation process and then mixed into theALCOHOL you been drinking in the first place!!
Ask yourself.
-Do you drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day!?
In fact, consider what theSam!! or any other Officer would ask of you,
Do you add any creamer or Kahlua to your coffee?!
From where did you obtain this kahlua from!?
Do you add any Peppermint Schnapps to your coffee!?
From where did you obtain this PeppermintSchnapps from!?
etc.
Ask yourself.
-did you wake up hoarse!?
cos if you did wake up ‘horse”, or more specifically, “VPSO Flyinghorse”?,
If so then, no wonder you're “Hoarse” now.
Cos you been Lip trilling, then screaming outLoud,
“Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee!!”
“No, no, no, no, no, no!!”,
“Noo, noo, noo, noo, noo, noo!!”
and then, raising your arms up to fend off pelting Baton induced “downStrikes” and screaming out,
“Noh, noh, noh, nooohhh, noh, noh!!”
d:oP
--------------------------------
I’m theSam!!
and we’ll skip theLessons that cover having Sam!! actually holding an infant and “Coo-ing, Goo goo goo-ing” in his own Vocal practice up and down thePiano scales,
And we’ll skip theDoe or Deer, an femaleVillage!! vixen deer with big Warm moistened brown eyes and a captivating way of shutting down your DVE / domesticViolenceEvent investigations upon their boyFriends even when bleeding out theNose or smiling Dazzlingly at you with 2 missing front teeth!!
And we’ll skip theRay, a drop of GoldenSun!!
All 1.5, or 2.1 and now 5million candlePowered spotlight “ray” to search theWoods and theHouse from AFAR before going thereIn to “detain”
And we’ll also skip the “Me”, a name everyone doesn’t call themselves when asked “who’s Usage and house are those drugs for?!
sadly, not even a Thousand Tazers, Batons or even a Million Sam!!’s could elicit an single “Me” from anyone then.
We’ll just skip all of that and we’ll continue next time here at AlaskaVillageTales!! on your villageContemporaryVoice lessons.
I’m theSam!!
and I’m also cold, thirsty, dry and hoarse!!
----------------------
alaskaVillagetales
-theSam!!
trained as a Spoof!! in theVillage!! years ago,
yet threw OUT the training manuals and just winging it!!
-theSam!!
so totally in theBag!!
theGoldSpray paint forms a ring around his Neck!!
*Huuufffsss and Huffss!!*
-theSam!!
giving you yet another Reason to double check your Kid’z homework for korrict spellan and Gramar,
to recheck for Thot clearity and idea consisenass and above all else - Coherency!!
-theSam!!
for whom the rock song,“Alcohol & Ass!!” was written,
cos when he drinks, he just sits on his!!
mehh... and occasionally he becomes one.
-theSam!!
Building villageVoices!! just about anywhere an Arrest happenz!!
theVillageSam!!’s Incomplete Guide to Getting Ready to Sing!!
(as inspired by his Vocal books, Instructional CD’s and theTBN music channel that he watches nightly on tv!!)
VocalWarmUps!!
Think of your voice, as theCoddledCorporateNative-child of theVillage!!
after all, it’s what you really think, it’s how you were brought up anyway since birth, and besides,
YOU were here in theVillage!! long before theSam!! and those other pesky VPSO’s ever set foot in Alaska,
so that makes you Relevant, Needed, Necessary and therefore Entitled to Drink in your Dry village!!
When you think about it really, in learning Vocalization and in building up your Voice!!
You gotta hand it to theHot shapely preTeenNieces of yours with 3 or 4 children.
cos it’s those tiny Infants that shall always teach you!! oh Adult villager, in how to sing and vocalize and basically - BuildUp Your voice!!
Just listen to your 2nd Cousin (twice removed!! Literally!! as theTribalCouncil and theVPSO had to physically remove her from Grandmas house, from thePost Office and theChapelChurch 4x each just this Month alone!!) or rather, Just listen to her Newborn son.
He goes,, “bbrrrr” with his tiny lil mouth!! In vocal circles, he’s “Lip Trilling!!”
And if you watch any of theOlderAdults in theVillage!! after they’ve loaded themselves up with strongDrink!!
they’ll sit in stupor and stare at Sam!! as he questions them and tries to draw out them out of their Warm, fuzzy drunken cocoon they’re wrapped inside!!
They’ll drool on themselves, purse their Lips and go... “bbrrrrrrrrbbbpprrrrrrrrrrtphththtthtpth!!” and end it with spitting inadvertently upon Sam!!
If you Lip Trill into an Korg chromaticTuner, you can ascent from an Moanful, “sighing G” and go up in incremental steps of A#, C, D and so on.
And after that, some people just opt to leap right into the 2nd, 3rd and 4th steps of VoiceBuilding.
which is basically singing Knee!!, No!!, Noo!! and Know!!
Oftimes those veryVillagers!! that vocalize while theVPSO is trying to figure out what to do with them,
are really Just HELPING theOfficers along and telling them What they want done to them, because they (theInebriateVillagers!!) were drinking in the first place and got caught.
They’re telling you THIS!!
1. Brrrrrr!! as in, I’m totally drunk and need to get tossed Outside in theSnow bank awhile!!
Or if it’s summer, just let me go outside without my shirt on!! and i’ll feed theMosquitos awhile.
2. Neeeee!!! as in, if I get assaultive upon You or my Family, Please. I insist that You Sam!! use your knee and help me with my singingPractice,
Really thrust it into my SolarPlexus and help me get theExtra air outta my lungs for me wouldja!! Woojjaa!? please?!
And then, take me down to theFloor / Ground upon my face and put my hands behind my back and “Knee-l” upon my head like your StateTroopTrainers taught you!!
3. No!! as in, Sam!!, when I’m screaming “No” at you, I’m not telling you to stop striking me with your Baton after I shove you away and pick up a hunting knife or reach for my rifle,
I’m not telling you to stop spraying my face with that OC spray, nor am I telling you to stop Jolting me with that Taser gun, I’m just vocalizing and like ALL performance professionals,
I see you, but am all wrapped up in myself in practice / performance to stop for you.
After all, when singing (and playing in public) you get to a point where you smoothly and effortlessly sing and play while people come and go, they talk, they eat, etc.
So, never mind my screams of “NO!!” sam, I’m not telling you to stop, in fact.
Hit me again!!,
and with theTasergun, pleaseee!! - “Hit me again!!”,
Maybe that last fullBody tense up via theTaser’s electronic muscle innervating disruption will help me go up an Octave!! and help me get out of my 3 octave range that everybody seems to just naturally have.
In fact, I’m jealous that my Wife / Girlfriend can scream in terror much louder than me, and with more Octave range,
Just jealously terrified!!
In fact, that’s probably why I had my hands around her Neck and choking before YOU arrived at my house Sam!!
4. NOH!! as in, the extended, elongated version of “no”.
Like when you spin me around theRoom sam and then drop me,
my kids thought I was a siren because I spun so fast, and screamed out NOOHH!! so suddenly and longly then cut Out when you put your Knee to my back!!
See!?
a simple yet effective villageVocal workout and it all starts with looking at an Wiggle-worm infant and imitating him / her with Lip trills and then, looking at an StuporInduced adult and Lip trilling like them!!
And don’t worry about Sam!! or any of his fellow VPSO’s vocal training.
They get plenty of VerbiageLines to utter while in training at theStateAcademy!!
TheOfficers!! first start out mincing with these accusatory vignettes!!
“michael, are you ok!?”
“Mi--cha--el!?”,
*waves at zombifiedLooking villageMan*
“michael, have Yoo been drinking!? hmm!?,
are those your clothes over there!?”
*points to womenz clothes on the Sofa*
*then Sam!! takes clothes to his DutyTruck, where a crying, sobbing female puts them on*
SIGH
But when situations are more violent,
theOfficers get more vocal with their “Voice students” in theVillage!!
“Put down the baseball bat Seth or I’ll taser you, Put IT DOWN!!”
These Officers and their villageVocal contemporaries get daily practice OutThere!!
But if I were you, I’d stick with starting out in vocal basics and just lip trill, then try to Knee, No and NOH without ANY DomesticViolence on your part and preferably,
when you’re NOT under theInfluence of Drugs / Alcohol please!!
In fact, spend some of your hard “earned” GovtAssistance / GA funds that you get each month, to buy a musical instrument, like a cheap guitar or an cheap Keyboard (like theSam!! did)
and play that instead of trying to be VillageOrchestralConductor and causing havoc in theVillage!!
after all, it’s theVillageCouncil’s job to be “conductor”, especially theLeadingChief or in his absence, His oldest most Inebriate and halfConscious GrandDaughters!!
And speaking of Partied Out, gasping-for-breath Villagers!!
since theSam!! is still Causing raspy Voices in theVillage!!, even though he basically left over 5yrs ago,
when you first practice vocalizing you’ll run into some problems.
And one of these will be a RaspyVoice!!
Ask yourself.
-Are you coming down with a Cold!?,
I mean, you might consider wearing a Coat, a scarf and.... I dunno.
Maybe some gloves and a Cap in theWinter instead of traipsing around half-Dressed!!
I mean, your assCrack shows every time you stoop over, your cuteBelly jiggles and we can all see your Sexy Navel piercing that you got over theWeekend you were supposed to start Paying theVillage!! / theCity!! / theState!! for excess damages done to property,
and we can see theBooberz just flopping around under your T-shirt.
*ahem...*
as for theGirls dressing THIS way!!
Put on some shoes or else get back In that Car!!
cos we all know that theMen will get small expensive items and theWomen will blow their support / PayBack money on external, Tangible
(and Sam!! seizable / impoundable) things like a car, or clothes or alcohol & drugs!!
You NONvillagers!! might wonder where I’m going with this thought, “are you getting a cold?!”
So hold on just a sec. and reREAD the LAST above paragraph and I’ve already told you the answer!! and it’s basically that theVillagers!! will blow their $ and end up walking, thus, BEING OUT in theCOLD!!
Ask yourself.
-Did you sleep in a room with dry air!?
I mean, besides sleeping in theVillageHoldingCell!! and theSam!! is close by.
What with his veryDRY sense of humor just emmanating off HIM and bombarding you with boredom!!
In fact, did you sleep in a dry village!?
if so, you might have worsened your voice Calling UP all your BootLegger contacts and all your Drinking buds to get them to pitch in on another BoozeRun for you and you wore out your voice while StandingOUTside in theCold!!
See!!, theSam!! “appears” to get offTrack with his thoughts but he knows what he’s saying!!
Ask yourself.
-are you drinking enough water!?
and that should be immediately answered with a resounding “Yes!!”
albeit, distilled and bottled water that has been treated and purified PRIOR to being added to theBrewery process / distillation process and then mixed into theALCOHOL you been drinking in the first place!!
Ask yourself.
-Do you drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day!?
In fact, consider what theSam!! or any other Officer would ask of you,
Do you add any creamer or Kahlua to your coffee?!
From where did you obtain this kahlua from!?
Do you add any Peppermint Schnapps to your coffee!?
From where did you obtain this PeppermintSchnapps from!?
etc.
Ask yourself.
-did you wake up hoarse!?
cos if you did wake up ‘horse”, or more specifically, “VPSO Flyinghorse”?,
If so then, no wonder you're “Hoarse” now.
Cos you been Lip trilling, then screaming outLoud,
“Knee, knee, knee, knee, knee, knee!!”
“No, no, no, no, no, no!!”,
“Noo, noo, noo, noo, noo, noo!!”
and then, raising your arms up to fend off pelting Baton induced “downStrikes” and screaming out,
“Noh, noh, noh, nooohhh, noh, noh!!”
d:oP
--------------------------------
I’m theSam!!
and we’ll skip theLessons that cover having Sam!! actually holding an infant and “Coo-ing, Goo goo goo-ing” in his own Vocal practice up and down thePiano scales,
And we’ll skip theDoe or Deer, an femaleVillage!! vixen deer with big Warm moistened brown eyes and a captivating way of shutting down your DVE / domesticViolenceEvent investigations upon their boyFriends even when bleeding out theNose or smiling Dazzlingly at you with 2 missing front teeth!!
And we’ll skip theRay, a drop of GoldenSun!!
All 1.5, or 2.1 and now 5million candlePowered spotlight “ray” to search theWoods and theHouse from AFAR before going thereIn to “detain”
And we’ll also skip the “Me”, a name everyone doesn’t call themselves when asked “who’s Usage and house are those drugs for?!
sadly, not even a Thousand Tazers, Batons or even a Million Sam!!’s could elicit an single “Me” from anyone then.
We’ll just skip all of that and we’ll continue next time here at AlaskaVillageTales!! on your villageContemporaryVoice lessons.
I’m theSam!!
and I’m also cold, thirsty, dry and hoarse!!
----------------------
alaskaVillagetales
Comments