theSam!! Defines Good Customer Service!!
more YVCInc Newds!! d:oP
----
YVC!!
International, National....village!!
Ganged shooterz in busy bar caught in crossfire as drink orders flew!!
Not that theBartender trainees are hoodHomey’s, it’s just that theMusic in theClass room setting is so damn loud, from day One!!,
they had to learn gang handSignals, ‘Hoodlum handSigns, scowling Looks,
smoldering Glares, perfunctory glances, bodySigh shrugs and even intoxicated leans &
schnockered!! sways to communicate!!
wow, I love theBarStars!! class I'm in,
which btw, brings me to this Post's title,
Defining Good Customer Service!!,
I'll do that for you later on so Read and Comprehend closely!!
----
YVC!!
International, National....Village!!
Pale Lynn / barStar school admin cooperating with former "publicSafety" turned Foodie & Drinkie Investigator!!
Satiated drinkers cancelled a scheduled Pub & Club meetin’, they were so schnockered!!
it was for the good of thePublicSafety that they didn’t go back to theBar!!
Pale Lynn still maintains that serving patrons ISN’T pressuring them to drink!!
yeah right....
YVC!!
just village!!
AthabaskanAlaskanPrincess employers find ex employees villagePublicSafety career dead in small 20’ trailer,
after 3 yrs we’d been wondering what the smell was, all this time we thought Sam!! had hidden one of his socks in theVents!!, complains an former LodgeBoss "Bonnie" jussBecause!!
Oh well, now that we’ve found his PublicSafetyCareer, Might as well as put it to good use in theKitchen or maybe serving in the Main dining room!!
at least it doesn’t wear huge shirts like Sam!! did, and it is kinda cute!!
YVC!!
this one’s all Sam!! we’re afraid....
theSam!! receieves 7yr old prison sentence!!
(we all wish though!!)
officerSam!! received a snailMail from a lil’ villageBoy!!
“let my daddee goe!!”
.....”mommy alahlso wins to no wheen you can lenns her....
givs ushs ssom mor mony?”
YVC!!
and this one’s all Sam!! too,
SLF celebrates 41 yrs!!
hundreds, perhaps tens of thousands of Alaskans alike DIDN’T turn out or even care that
theSam!! turned 2 score and 1yr old last weekend,
no one except theBartender whom had closed up thePlace and was quietly herding
theIntoxicant!! as he meandered about theBar upon the floor on hands and knees,
finally someone got smart, threw some stale frenchFries out theDoor and “Gulp!!”,
like a GoldschlagerShot!!, theSam!! was gone,
“my tip!?, sighed theBartenderBabe,
“he slurred to me around 9pm, to layer my foundation, in theT-zone,
with talc powder and fresh base, then go to town with BrushPowder, so my “Shine” wouldn’t shine around closing time,
honestly, as dark as the lights are anyway, how could he even tell I shine?!”
----
Recent VillageNews!!
-Aristocrats use latest accusations against “our” UncleSam!!
so what if theBarStarStudent can’t tell Glennlivet scotch from Goodliving!! whiskey,
it’s his first week in class ya’ know,
And it is true, that Scotch & Brandy snifting, hoity toity drinkers consider themselves an elite group,
much like theStoli & Crown crowd on 4th and 3rd consider themselves theSmartest!!
-Recent barStar sentenced to writing 30times each, various Drug & Sex named drinkRecipes.
Yet he still doesn’t consider toting a small bottle of “flavored” OJ drink about town in his backPack or guitar case as “trafficking”,
*shrugs*
go figure,
-local foodPron star gouges mood!!
a slip of theHotSleeve upon his Vanilla steamerz elicit’s a giggle from theSimpleton!!,
a sheen of sweat from his McDee’s shake gets him to laughing uncontrollably and he
snaps photos with his cellCam and sends to friends most of whom reply tartly,
“it costs me to download your pics so stop sending me stupid pictures!!, ok!!!
jeezzuz heebuzz Sam!!, get a life!!”
-PaleLynn!!, launches publicSafety investigator out theBar!!....
by shooting wadded up Bar T-shirts at him with theLaunchGun,
-serverGirl!! “Georgia”, “signs” a peace treaty w/ theSam!! after eating Rice,
after the stuff sat all night from yesterdays meal, theDummo!! warmed up theMix
via his sinkSprayHose and then, used a clean spoon to sample,
no serverGirl!! on a diet has ever ever left Sam!!’s kitchen without sampling any
type of “clean” food, not one!!
-barCoaster “guardsman” receives an award!!
*sigh*.....
“I mean, he just sits there night after night with his arm around his drink and sits quietly,
so we thought we’d give him a bowl of left over soup!!”, coo'd a cute PajamaClad!! serverGirl!!
“It wasn’t like.....”
After theBand started playing loudly over our interview with theServerGirl!!
we joined everyone, including Sam!!, stage side and took tons of pics of the bands as they played,
then later on, we even got Sam!! with a cup of Ice water from the balcony above!! hee hee,
And we got a barMgr too, -bummer- d:o(
meanwhile, theLonePatron!! at theBar quietly nursed his beer and talked to himself in the mirrors,
---------
theSam!!’s Bar Terminology!! 101
Well,
this is not the area behind theBar!! where the drinks are made.
this “wishingWell” is theCute, Young (often heavyHoobered) thing working behind theBar!! that keeps getting
coins tossed at and often landing, in her Cleavage, or buttCleavage!! from thePatronSam!!,
he keeps wishing and wishing and by 3 stiff drinks,
he keeps swhhishing, swizzilin’ and swwoozin’!! as he talks.
Up or Straight UP,
is this a Shot with No Ice?!
nope, it’s theView that most Male (and some female) patrons at theBar!! wish they had of theSchoolGirl clad Bartender behind theBar!!, erh, straight UP her dress.
besides, like it or not, she gives “Ice” to just about everyone via a Cold shoulder!!
Mist,
is this a Shot of liquor served over crushed ice!?
could be,
but perhaps it’s barGirl!! “misty” as she gives a barPatron a shot AT her Over theIce in the back store room!!
Towards climax, nobody ever completes her name, they all start with “mmm....”, “mmmmmmmmmisssssss”,
“Miissttt!!” then they shoot.
Mix,
a non alcohol added to liquor!?
theSam!! thinks not, in fact, her hardly thinks at all-Just blogs that jokester!!,
a Mix is a nonDrinker added to a bunch of Party animals and like any good Designated driver, theMix keeps everyone alive as they continue barHopping!!
besides, theMex!! who's from "Co", is still wearing handcuffs and just wants to drive and stay out in the car behind theWheel out of habit, Leave things in order While You order from theBar!!
trust me,
Back,
is this a Chaser?!, usually a non alcohol one?
Well. technically It IS, cos most bars and clubs don’t want their staff to be drunk or even drinking on duty,
And being sober does help when chasing theSam!! out the door after he pays his dinner bill,
even on days when he isn’t sampling new drinks with his meals,
but watch out!!, cos when theSam!! uses and schmoozes with your female staff regarding his Massage training and
demonstrates upon bared tatted, soft female shoulders,
7 out of 10 Chasers don’t come back through the doors to finish their shifts!! d:oP -flirty-
Light,
our instructors laugh when they mention this word,
cos in Bar lexicon, it means With less Liquor, but we’ll Never hear this requested though,
but to most BarStaff!! at certain downtown Anchorage haunts,
it means, to grab a flashlight and look forSam!!,
as he often dropped his small bills, or went after an errant french fry and
didn’t surface from under theBarStool / cubbyTable!!
grab theMagLights and look for an Intoxicated Native chewing on old Olives, dropped sprouts and licking theBrass foot railings of spilled alcohol
Dry!!,
it means “not sweet”,
and in relation to Sam!!’s humor, or even this whole entire blog!!, it means it means just that- completely dry!!
Highball,
d:oP
to put things lovingly in perspective, theSam!! is often so inebriate
and incoherent as to “see things” like bouncing balls (if so, check to see if there’s a line of upset Karoake patrons lined up behind him waiting),
I mean, theMarker ball “does” actually bounce along the words!!, but that’s a given,
he’s often prone (physically as well as metaphorically and Euphorically!!) to greeting people by saying "Hi Bob", but he never finishes his sentences,
his words just sort of peter out like Boh.... and then drop.
or else he just says Ball then starts to cry.
*sigh*
Well drink!!,
this is Sam!!’s favorite,
cos sometimes, “Sushi”, our Asian barGirl!! will take her breaks behind theBar!!, literally!!
as all Asians are prone to squatting and leaning back on their heels where ever they stand, “sushi” will take her breaks and as Sam!! is often delighted to see that she’s looking out for her nutrient needs,
he see’s her take a drink!!,
btw, She too, is a Wishing Well whom gets Monetary tips, coins and plain old smart ass verbal tips tossed at her quite often from theSam!!, as well as all other male patrons,
“Behind You!!”,
most busy bar and Wait staff are hustle and bustle in kitchen and bar and most have their hands and arms full of Outgoing food or Ingoing empty plates and glasses and when you’re behind them or crossing paths,
they often might not see you and will turn suddenly into you or otherwise cause a collision and then theBarMgr will call out veryLOUDLY “Job Opening!!”
to which no less than 2 dozen barPatrons will then surge forward thrusting Resumes to work at said establishments
and no less than 30 dozen barPatrons (all on Laptops surfing theWeb!!) will then crash theBar internet servers just buy hitting “submit” button on theBar website, posting their applications and resumes,
often Behind you means all of the above,
but it can often mean, from one alert ServerGirl!! to another hapless, unsuspecting NOT alert serverGirl!!
that theSam!! is sneaking up behind you and is arms out and open to hug ya’ from behind!!
a true friend then shouts, “behind you!!”, to which theHapless-but nowAlerted BarGirl!! automatically tucks into a sideRoll and averts disaster!!
Some savvy downtown bars actually have a Panic button on their beepers when theSam!! is eating at their place.
BarBack!!,
in most establishments this can be an assistant to theBartender, and helps replace and replenish stuff behind the bar, items like Ice, alcohol, garnishes, removing trash and cleaning up,
and this may bee true in job description and verbiage, but in real life, it is some kind of “back” that does this grunt work,
often an caramel colored Patron!! from the farSouth that had to swim this far north!! thus, getting his back wet,
and at theBack!! is where they often stay!!
as opposed to some other lighter colored, caramel brothers from theVillage!! via theIndianRez!!, where they’re kept permanently in Back of theHouse!!
now of course, theSam!! is an exception to all this, cos,
1. he’s paler than most alaskaNatives!! (and he’s a fullBlood Native American!!)
2. he’s almost paler than all white People!!, even an icelandic girlFriend took a second look at him one time, but then theSam!! lost That Particular “Bjork” CD so, no more puzzled looks!! d:oP
3. his back is permanently Wet, due to his body and MInd still thinking he’s wearing a bulletVest,
or else wearing a fatWrap around midriff to keep water weight off. thePudge!! d:oP
4. he’s just .....
hmmm...
Lost my train of thought here,
ok...
BackBar!!,
don’t panic!! at theDisco on this one,
don’t panic!! at theHipHop club either,
just panic!! at theBar!! cos often theCute, Hot barTenders have to do what theSam!!’s police tactics trainers used to do when instructing theStubborn!! years ago in theVillage!!,
“Back!!, I said, keepBack!!, Stayy.... step Back sir!!
BACCKK!!” they scream and then BAR theSam!! from getting anywhere near their cute barGirl/Server!! buddies,
*sigh*,
d:o( -sad- Incredibly sad!! d:o(
oh...
Definitions,
Yes!! this one is defined as An area behind theBar!! where liquor is normally displayed.
Yes!!, this is also defined as An cute compact area, often from a yummy 5’1”, to a huge 6’ 3” tall blonde drink!!,
whom stands and poses, flirts and bats her lashes at everyone and displays herself!! She is “theLick her!!” and her face, Cleav’age!!, Belly and tatted small-of-Back!! is prominantly on display,
She too, is very GReaT!!
or at least as far as she is supposed to be keeping her displayed drinks in Order!!
Be So VeRy GreaT!! / BSVRGT
as in Bourbons, Scotch, Vodka, Rums, Gins and Tequila’s!!
and if you look behind her makeup and turn up theLighting,
She’s probably older than the LouisXIII scotches, theStuff that’s bottled in Waterford Crystal and aged 40+yrs, and like those liquors!!
She too costs upwards of $250 a bottle / B-Job!! d:oP
erh.... I’m just sayin’!!
a Bus!!
isn’t to Clean and Reset tables!!
no, it’s for Sam!!
a reminder to him of theRide!! he takes to and from work each day,
in fact, we have this blatant reminder from him in theBack office, an updated Bus Transit schedule he stole (they only cost $1) and gave to us,
sheesh!!
You’d think that with the overall Good weather here in anchorage we’ve had pretty much all summer,
except for the Occasional gloomy rainy hours, theSam!! would appreciate a good 45mins walk to and from work, but NOOO!!
he’s lazy.
But business has picked up a bit,
cos now and then we have a Pakistani or a brazillian,
even a few germans or mexicans come in and down a few stiff drinks and whistfully look around, as if they’re hoping a certain someone will hail them for a Ride home!!
oh.. and that this certain Taxi ride will also have Bar takeHome food in hand!!
like, sizzlin’ steakBits and mashed tators & gravy!!
buttered squash and golden corn, Squawb still dripping honey sauce and onions still warm!!
so that those Drivers can break out their own plastic forks and eat a few mouthfuls of food as they take theDummo!! home,
often waiving his fare!!
LOL,
sad but True!! at least a few times last winter.
But after awhile, those same sad patrons leave the bar without a rideFare and weave and speed down theSidewalk!!
Bus!! sam,
remember that sir, a bus is your ride!!
Deuce,
is this a table for two!?
nahh...
it’s often a table for theSam!!
cos overall, his 6’ plus height with his large, but NOT obese, frame requires a table for 2,
besides, with his guitar in it’s SofPackCarry, it NEVER ever sits on theFloor,
Triple,
is this a table for 3?!
nah....
it’s just a table for theSam!! and any young female friend of his, PLUS her growing fetus inside of her!!
But seriously,
when going over some alaska rules and laws in BarStars class recently,
theSam!! was perturbed to find that, legally,
us barTenders can’t deny an obviously pregnant woman a drink of alcohol if she waddles in and requests a drink, and pays for it,
theSam!!, as most of the educated world, has read of some good health benefits for thePrego Mommy from drinking moderate portions of RedWines, in her health and her babies health because of the Wines,
but theSam!!, in his pre BarStars!! class room days, in his ignorance always equated hard alcohol as being bad and yet,
Wine as being good,
NOPE,
Us bartenders can’t discriminate against anyone!!
But, if we deem a Guest to be Intoxicated we can cut them off from receiving further alcohol beverages,
FourTop!!,
a table for 4?!
Wrong,
this is often an ServerGirl!! or BarGirl!! after hours when she’s on her hands and knees as theTable!! holding theDrinks and food on a tray perched upon her back,
or else she can be on hands and knees with a Patron “cleaning” her furnishings while under her!! d:oP
etc, etc, etc,!!
a Section!!,
this is an area of theBar / Restaurant which individuals are responsible for serving.
cos in theOlden days it was a free for all amongst WaitStaff when they competed for customers and hustled and bustled to wait on guests,
but now adays, apportioning out sections just makes things more fair for all Staff.
Yep, this definition sounds good, and it is,
but.
this also means An area of theServerGirls!!’s / BarGirls!!’s lower abdomen that gets surgically cut and from which theDoctor then plucks out her Newborn child FROM!!,
You see, most barGirls!! / ServerGirls!! just can’t stand pain, which led them to seek Easy, Sleezy!! jobs like working in bars, clubs and restaurants in the first place,
then some hapless girls!! get duped into a relationship and bam!!
They’re preggerz!! d:oD
Thus, the C-Section!! and delivering theSam!!’s children, albeit, the easy way, d:o(
86!!,
watch these last sections or definitions very closely now,
You might see a trend!! d:oP
Now, theSam!! graduated high school in 86!!,
and that’s about his IQ too!! d:o(
But theSam!! also has worked and earned a grand total of $86!!, then taxes were deducted.....
and Sam!! hasn’t actually had any hot young Sr girls smile at him since..... 1986!! d:o( -bummed-
and Sam!! hasn’t even driven past 86mph either,
he was just doing about 46 when his copCar started FishTailing on theIce and he spunOut and ended up in a snow bank by the side of theVillage!! road,
where the86!! yr old villageChief!! then happened along and pulled out theSam!!,
and theVillageCouncilChief!! had his granddaughter with him!!, a hot Young villageVixen!! whom was actually born in 1986!!,
of course,
when Sam!! met her that day, she was only 15!!, d:o( -bummer!!-
and when any young girl is like, 15yrs old, She’s not available, hence, the rightful definition for “86”,
a food or beverage item not available, and it also means an EmployeeTermination!!
which for Sam!!
was instigated later on by said, hot young VillageChixxx!! and theSam!! ended up leaving theVillage!!, and hence,
leaving his VPSO job behind!!
You’ll all be happy to know though, that a few of those villageChixxx!! have also followed their SuitorSam!! Out of theVillage!!,
cos, per some MySpace postings, some Bebo postings and some intercepted email and cell transcripts,
theSam!! has learned that some villageChicks!! are living here in town and in other large city’s,
and they’re grown up and moved on in life too!!
Which is a good thing for everyone!!
One girl got preggerz and has a gorgeous child, and she lost her svelte figure and now measures “86” around theWaist, just like her Mother!!
and another girl went through about 86 guys to get married!!,
and she put on some pounds and fleshed out so she no longer weighs “86” lbs anymore, More like “186”, but she like the rest of the girls, are still 10’s!!
I swear,
if I’d stayed in that village!! with those “86” villageChixxx!!, I’d be “86” by now,
which brings me to.......
My BP / blood pressure,
it’s not longer one “86”, it’s much lower now that I’m no longer working as a VPSO in theVillage!!
and finally,
Tab, or Running a Tab!!,
theBarStar’s Instructor authoritatively intoned to us eager students that this item meant,
a running total, often of the bill for theGuest or Bar patron,
and is often started w/ a C-C / CreditCard!!,
now, I accept that definition, yes I do,
but you gotta look at these things from Across theBar!! from theOTHER side!!
from thePerspective of theBarGirl!! / BarTender,
when a Guest or “Client” hands over his CC, you start to unbutton a few inches of "C-C or Cute Cleave’age!! for him / her to view and Oggle,
and everytime you, theBarGirl!! starts to entertain theGuest with your shaking “goods” and eyefuls of “services”,
you step over to thePic station and ring up an additional $20 or $30 at a time,
or just do things the old fashioned (but now Strictly regulated way here in Anchorage!!)
You keep at least 4’ / feet away from thePatron and dance, Mince and cavort and wiggle and Mix drinks and pour out his beer,
as well as pour out some more cleav’age!!, and let down some more hair from your already Loose Ponytail!!
And for those Girls who are packing a HalfRack or even a whole Pallet’s worth of Liquid Enhancment behind their Sweaters,
You just start things with those CC’s / cubic centimeters, units of liquid measurement for SalineImplants,
If you have like, 2000cc’s up there you’ll never be broke or hungry as a bartender,
If you have like, 4000cc’s Plus!!, your barGuests will put your kids and your grandkids through college, Including sending YOU to night school and Certification!!,
Isn’t a “C-C” a great thing!?
oh....
and speaking of “Running tabs”, or more specifically,
“Running OUT on tabs”,
to keep theSam!! from hastily leaving once he’s finished his CheeseCake and Stoli double,
Just give him one of those small “umbrellas” used as a garnish deco,
he’ll sit at your bar for a few hours more amusing himself Opening and Closing it,
In fact, that very Act of his with his hands is a sign to you oh BarMistress!!,
as to whether or not he’s smashed enough to dupe into paying his Running Tab!! now and YOU shortchanging him,
or if he still needs another potent MaiTai!! or 3!!
he needs to be feeling fuzzy before he leaves,
else he suddenly looks at theBill and skips out on you!!
much like any boy skips out on theGirl!!, no matter how “Preggerz” your breasts Might be!!
and honestly, no matter how beautiful YOU might be to end UP Preggerz for him!!
his name is Flyinghorse, but all the smart serverGirls!! / barGirls!! in town call him “RunningTab!!”
Check out these Quotes!!
“he’s a ghost when he finishes his meal!!, zziipp!!, he’s gone”,
complains one girl at theThai Me Down!!,
“he’s here, then There!!”, points, another ServerGirl, to a bar across theStreet, theClamDive-In!!
“I had him at Bend-Over-for theMojito bottle, my TrampStamp was fresh and still bleeding too!!, but I lost him when I stood up and felt a kink in my lowerBack muscle, and started Waddling around Pregnant-Like, FOOSSH!!, he was gone!!”, a sullen (and now Pregnant!!) serverGirl!! at the XOXO Lounge!!
“him!?, Ha!!, I just start complaining about my old or current boyfriends and he gets very quiet,It works every time!!”,
gumSmacks a serverGirl!! with PuffPastry’s CoffeeHouse!!,
She speaks smartly, “and see these!?”,
She points to her new BOGO loaferz, "I can catch Sam!! at half a block in these,
and at blocks end if I’m not carrying my change & Cash Apron!!"
"thank god I can text, Cook, Food Prep, CashOut, CleanUP and WhipOut Drinks while my Other hand Texts all my ServerBuddies along theAvenue,
“Runs From Tab!!" indeed",
Indeed Sam!!
ya Bum!!
d:oP
--------------
no ServerGirls!! / BarGirls!! or bar Patrons named Sam!! were hurt in the above writings,
Just a credit card swipe and a signing of Name upon an itsy bitsy teeenny tiny credit slip receipt was forced upon theSam!! - One Hoob JiggleJuggle at a time!!
---------
luvs,
theSam!!
samuel l flyinghorse
anchorage, alaska
AlaskaVillageTales!!
----------------
*sigh*
Now for those of you who still don't get it.
Start unbuttoning those shirts and blouses,
fluff out that hair, Smile!!
start Chatting!! and get richer!!
----
YVC!!
International, National....village!!
Ganged shooterz in busy bar caught in crossfire as drink orders flew!!
Not that theBartender trainees are hoodHomey’s, it’s just that theMusic in theClass room setting is so damn loud, from day One!!,
they had to learn gang handSignals, ‘Hoodlum handSigns, scowling Looks,
smoldering Glares, perfunctory glances, bodySigh shrugs and even intoxicated leans &
schnockered!! sways to communicate!!
wow, I love theBarStars!! class I'm in,
which btw, brings me to this Post's title,
Defining Good Customer Service!!,
I'll do that for you later on so Read and Comprehend closely!!
----
YVC!!
International, National....Village!!
Pale Lynn / barStar school admin cooperating with former "publicSafety" turned Foodie & Drinkie Investigator!!
Satiated drinkers cancelled a scheduled Pub & Club meetin’, they were so schnockered!!
it was for the good of thePublicSafety that they didn’t go back to theBar!!
Pale Lynn still maintains that serving patrons ISN’T pressuring them to drink!!
yeah right....
YVC!!
just village!!
AthabaskanAlaskanPrincess employers find ex employees villagePublicSafety career dead in small 20’ trailer,
after 3 yrs we’d been wondering what the smell was, all this time we thought Sam!! had hidden one of his socks in theVents!!, complains an former LodgeBoss "Bonnie" jussBecause!!
Oh well, now that we’ve found his PublicSafetyCareer, Might as well as put it to good use in theKitchen or maybe serving in the Main dining room!!
at least it doesn’t wear huge shirts like Sam!! did, and it is kinda cute!!
YVC!!
this one’s all Sam!! we’re afraid....
theSam!! receieves 7yr old prison sentence!!
(we all wish though!!)
officerSam!! received a snailMail from a lil’ villageBoy!!
“let my daddee goe!!”
.....”mommy alahlso wins to no wheen you can lenns her....
givs ushs ssom mor mony?”
YVC!!
and this one’s all Sam!! too,
SLF celebrates 41 yrs!!
hundreds, perhaps tens of thousands of Alaskans alike DIDN’T turn out or even care that
theSam!! turned 2 score and 1yr old last weekend,
no one except theBartender whom had closed up thePlace and was quietly herding
theIntoxicant!! as he meandered about theBar upon the floor on hands and knees,
finally someone got smart, threw some stale frenchFries out theDoor and “Gulp!!”,
like a GoldschlagerShot!!, theSam!! was gone,
“my tip!?, sighed theBartenderBabe,
“he slurred to me around 9pm, to layer my foundation, in theT-zone,
with talc powder and fresh base, then go to town with BrushPowder, so my “Shine” wouldn’t shine around closing time,
honestly, as dark as the lights are anyway, how could he even tell I shine?!”
----
Recent VillageNews!!
-Aristocrats use latest accusations against “our” UncleSam!!
so what if theBarStarStudent can’t tell Glennlivet scotch from Goodliving!! whiskey,
it’s his first week in class ya’ know,
And it is true, that Scotch & Brandy snifting, hoity toity drinkers consider themselves an elite group,
much like theStoli & Crown crowd on 4th and 3rd consider themselves theSmartest!!
-Recent barStar sentenced to writing 30times each, various Drug & Sex named drinkRecipes.
Yet he still doesn’t consider toting a small bottle of “flavored” OJ drink about town in his backPack or guitar case as “trafficking”,
*shrugs*
go figure,
-local foodPron star gouges mood!!
a slip of theHotSleeve upon his Vanilla steamerz elicit’s a giggle from theSimpleton!!,
a sheen of sweat from his McDee’s shake gets him to laughing uncontrollably and he
snaps photos with his cellCam and sends to friends most of whom reply tartly,
“it costs me to download your pics so stop sending me stupid pictures!!, ok!!!
jeezzuz heebuzz Sam!!, get a life!!”
-PaleLynn!!, launches publicSafety investigator out theBar!!....
by shooting wadded up Bar T-shirts at him with theLaunchGun,
-serverGirl!! “Georgia”, “signs” a peace treaty w/ theSam!! after eating Rice,
after the stuff sat all night from yesterdays meal, theDummo!! warmed up theMix
via his sinkSprayHose and then, used a clean spoon to sample,
no serverGirl!! on a diet has ever ever left Sam!!’s kitchen without sampling any
type of “clean” food, not one!!
-barCoaster “guardsman” receives an award!!
*sigh*.....
“I mean, he just sits there night after night with his arm around his drink and sits quietly,
so we thought we’d give him a bowl of left over soup!!”, coo'd a cute PajamaClad!! serverGirl!!
“It wasn’t like.....”
After theBand started playing loudly over our interview with theServerGirl!!
we joined everyone, including Sam!!, stage side and took tons of pics of the bands as they played,
then later on, we even got Sam!! with a cup of Ice water from the balcony above!! hee hee,
And we got a barMgr too, -bummer- d:o(
meanwhile, theLonePatron!! at theBar quietly nursed his beer and talked to himself in the mirrors,
---------
theSam!!’s Bar Terminology!! 101
Well,
this is not the area behind theBar!! where the drinks are made.
this “wishingWell” is theCute, Young (often heavyHoobered) thing working behind theBar!! that keeps getting
coins tossed at and often landing, in her Cleavage, or buttCleavage!! from thePatronSam!!,
he keeps wishing and wishing and by 3 stiff drinks,
he keeps swhhishing, swizzilin’ and swwoozin’!! as he talks.
Up or Straight UP,
is this a Shot with No Ice?!
nope, it’s theView that most Male (and some female) patrons at theBar!! wish they had of theSchoolGirl clad Bartender behind theBar!!, erh, straight UP her dress.
besides, like it or not, she gives “Ice” to just about everyone via a Cold shoulder!!
Mist,
is this a Shot of liquor served over crushed ice!?
could be,
but perhaps it’s barGirl!! “misty” as she gives a barPatron a shot AT her Over theIce in the back store room!!
Towards climax, nobody ever completes her name, they all start with “mmm....”, “mmmmmmmmmisssssss”,
“Miissttt!!” then they shoot.
Mix,
a non alcohol added to liquor!?
theSam!! thinks not, in fact, her hardly thinks at all-Just blogs that jokester!!,
a Mix is a nonDrinker added to a bunch of Party animals and like any good Designated driver, theMix keeps everyone alive as they continue barHopping!!
besides, theMex!! who's from "Co", is still wearing handcuffs and just wants to drive and stay out in the car behind theWheel out of habit, Leave things in order While You order from theBar!!
trust me,
Back,
is this a Chaser?!, usually a non alcohol one?
Well. technically It IS, cos most bars and clubs don’t want their staff to be drunk or even drinking on duty,
And being sober does help when chasing theSam!! out the door after he pays his dinner bill,
even on days when he isn’t sampling new drinks with his meals,
but watch out!!, cos when theSam!! uses and schmoozes with your female staff regarding his Massage training and
demonstrates upon bared tatted, soft female shoulders,
7 out of 10 Chasers don’t come back through the doors to finish their shifts!! d:oP -flirty-
Light,
our instructors laugh when they mention this word,
cos in Bar lexicon, it means With less Liquor, but we’ll Never hear this requested though,
but to most BarStaff!! at certain downtown Anchorage haunts,
it means, to grab a flashlight and look forSam!!,
as he often dropped his small bills, or went after an errant french fry and
didn’t surface from under theBarStool / cubbyTable!!
grab theMagLights and look for an Intoxicated Native chewing on old Olives, dropped sprouts and licking theBrass foot railings of spilled alcohol
Dry!!,
it means “not sweet”,
and in relation to Sam!!’s humor, or even this whole entire blog!!, it means it means just that- completely dry!!
Highball,
d:oP
to put things lovingly in perspective, theSam!! is often so inebriate
and incoherent as to “see things” like bouncing balls (if so, check to see if there’s a line of upset Karoake patrons lined up behind him waiting),
I mean, theMarker ball “does” actually bounce along the words!!, but that’s a given,
he’s often prone (physically as well as metaphorically and Euphorically!!) to greeting people by saying "Hi Bob", but he never finishes his sentences,
his words just sort of peter out like Boh.... and then drop.
or else he just says Ball then starts to cry.
*sigh*
Well drink!!,
this is Sam!!’s favorite,
cos sometimes, “Sushi”, our Asian barGirl!! will take her breaks behind theBar!!, literally!!
as all Asians are prone to squatting and leaning back on their heels where ever they stand, “sushi” will take her breaks and as Sam!! is often delighted to see that she’s looking out for her nutrient needs,
he see’s her take a drink!!,
btw, She too, is a Wishing Well whom gets Monetary tips, coins and plain old smart ass verbal tips tossed at her quite often from theSam!!, as well as all other male patrons,
“Behind You!!”,
most busy bar and Wait staff are hustle and bustle in kitchen and bar and most have their hands and arms full of Outgoing food or Ingoing empty plates and glasses and when you’re behind them or crossing paths,
they often might not see you and will turn suddenly into you or otherwise cause a collision and then theBarMgr will call out veryLOUDLY “Job Opening!!”
to which no less than 2 dozen barPatrons will then surge forward thrusting Resumes to work at said establishments
and no less than 30 dozen barPatrons (all on Laptops surfing theWeb!!) will then crash theBar internet servers just buy hitting “submit” button on theBar website, posting their applications and resumes,
often Behind you means all of the above,
but it can often mean, from one alert ServerGirl!! to another hapless, unsuspecting NOT alert serverGirl!!
that theSam!! is sneaking up behind you and is arms out and open to hug ya’ from behind!!
a true friend then shouts, “behind you!!”, to which theHapless-but nowAlerted BarGirl!! automatically tucks into a sideRoll and averts disaster!!
Some savvy downtown bars actually have a Panic button on their beepers when theSam!! is eating at their place.
BarBack!!,
in most establishments this can be an assistant to theBartender, and helps replace and replenish stuff behind the bar, items like Ice, alcohol, garnishes, removing trash and cleaning up,
and this may bee true in job description and verbiage, but in real life, it is some kind of “back” that does this grunt work,
often an caramel colored Patron!! from the farSouth that had to swim this far north!! thus, getting his back wet,
and at theBack!! is where they often stay!!
as opposed to some other lighter colored, caramel brothers from theVillage!! via theIndianRez!!, where they’re kept permanently in Back of theHouse!!
now of course, theSam!! is an exception to all this, cos,
1. he’s paler than most alaskaNatives!! (and he’s a fullBlood Native American!!)
2. he’s almost paler than all white People!!, even an icelandic girlFriend took a second look at him one time, but then theSam!! lost That Particular “Bjork” CD so, no more puzzled looks!! d:oP
3. his back is permanently Wet, due to his body and MInd still thinking he’s wearing a bulletVest,
or else wearing a fatWrap around midriff to keep water weight off. thePudge!! d:oP
4. he’s just .....
hmmm...
Lost my train of thought here,
ok...
BackBar!!,
don’t panic!! at theDisco on this one,
don’t panic!! at theHipHop club either,
just panic!! at theBar!! cos often theCute, Hot barTenders have to do what theSam!!’s police tactics trainers used to do when instructing theStubborn!! years ago in theVillage!!,
“Back!!, I said, keepBack!!, Stayy.... step Back sir!!
BACCKK!!” they scream and then BAR theSam!! from getting anywhere near their cute barGirl/Server!! buddies,
*sigh*,
d:o( -sad- Incredibly sad!! d:o(
oh...
Definitions,
Yes!! this one is defined as An area behind theBar!! where liquor is normally displayed.
Yes!!, this is also defined as An cute compact area, often from a yummy 5’1”, to a huge 6’ 3” tall blonde drink!!,
whom stands and poses, flirts and bats her lashes at everyone and displays herself!! She is “theLick her!!” and her face, Cleav’age!!, Belly and tatted small-of-Back!! is prominantly on display,
She too, is very GReaT!!
or at least as far as she is supposed to be keeping her displayed drinks in Order!!
Be So VeRy GreaT!! / BSVRGT
as in Bourbons, Scotch, Vodka, Rums, Gins and Tequila’s!!
and if you look behind her makeup and turn up theLighting,
She’s probably older than the LouisXIII scotches, theStuff that’s bottled in Waterford Crystal and aged 40+yrs, and like those liquors!!
She too costs upwards of $250 a bottle / B-Job!! d:oP
erh.... I’m just sayin’!!
a Bus!!
isn’t to Clean and Reset tables!!
no, it’s for Sam!!
a reminder to him of theRide!! he takes to and from work each day,
in fact, we have this blatant reminder from him in theBack office, an updated Bus Transit schedule he stole (they only cost $1) and gave to us,
sheesh!!
You’d think that with the overall Good weather here in anchorage we’ve had pretty much all summer,
except for the Occasional gloomy rainy hours, theSam!! would appreciate a good 45mins walk to and from work, but NOOO!!
he’s lazy.
But business has picked up a bit,
cos now and then we have a Pakistani or a brazillian,
even a few germans or mexicans come in and down a few stiff drinks and whistfully look around, as if they’re hoping a certain someone will hail them for a Ride home!!
oh.. and that this certain Taxi ride will also have Bar takeHome food in hand!!
like, sizzlin’ steakBits and mashed tators & gravy!!
buttered squash and golden corn, Squawb still dripping honey sauce and onions still warm!!
so that those Drivers can break out their own plastic forks and eat a few mouthfuls of food as they take theDummo!! home,
often waiving his fare!!
LOL,
sad but True!! at least a few times last winter.
But after awhile, those same sad patrons leave the bar without a rideFare and weave and speed down theSidewalk!!
Bus!! sam,
remember that sir, a bus is your ride!!
Deuce,
is this a table for two!?
nahh...
it’s often a table for theSam!!
cos overall, his 6’ plus height with his large, but NOT obese, frame requires a table for 2,
besides, with his guitar in it’s SofPackCarry, it NEVER ever sits on theFloor,
Triple,
is this a table for 3?!
nah....
it’s just a table for theSam!! and any young female friend of his, PLUS her growing fetus inside of her!!
But seriously,
when going over some alaska rules and laws in BarStars class recently,
theSam!! was perturbed to find that, legally,
us barTenders can’t deny an obviously pregnant woman a drink of alcohol if she waddles in and requests a drink, and pays for it,
theSam!!, as most of the educated world, has read of some good health benefits for thePrego Mommy from drinking moderate portions of RedWines, in her health and her babies health because of the Wines,
but theSam!!, in his pre BarStars!! class room days, in his ignorance always equated hard alcohol as being bad and yet,
Wine as being good,
NOPE,
Us bartenders can’t discriminate against anyone!!
But, if we deem a Guest to be Intoxicated we can cut them off from receiving further alcohol beverages,
FourTop!!,
a table for 4?!
Wrong,
this is often an ServerGirl!! or BarGirl!! after hours when she’s on her hands and knees as theTable!! holding theDrinks and food on a tray perched upon her back,
or else she can be on hands and knees with a Patron “cleaning” her furnishings while under her!! d:oP
etc, etc, etc,!!
a Section!!,
this is an area of theBar / Restaurant which individuals are responsible for serving.
cos in theOlden days it was a free for all amongst WaitStaff when they competed for customers and hustled and bustled to wait on guests,
but now adays, apportioning out sections just makes things more fair for all Staff.
Yep, this definition sounds good, and it is,
but.
this also means An area of theServerGirls!!’s / BarGirls!!’s lower abdomen that gets surgically cut and from which theDoctor then plucks out her Newborn child FROM!!,
You see, most barGirls!! / ServerGirls!! just can’t stand pain, which led them to seek Easy, Sleezy!! jobs like working in bars, clubs and restaurants in the first place,
then some hapless girls!! get duped into a relationship and bam!!
They’re preggerz!! d:oD
Thus, the C-Section!! and delivering theSam!!’s children, albeit, the easy way, d:o(
86!!,
watch these last sections or definitions very closely now,
You might see a trend!! d:oP
Now, theSam!! graduated high school in 86!!,
and that’s about his IQ too!! d:o(
But theSam!! also has worked and earned a grand total of $86!!, then taxes were deducted.....
and Sam!! hasn’t actually had any hot young Sr girls smile at him since..... 1986!! d:o( -bummed-
and Sam!! hasn’t even driven past 86mph either,
he was just doing about 46 when his copCar started FishTailing on theIce and he spunOut and ended up in a snow bank by the side of theVillage!! road,
where the86!! yr old villageChief!! then happened along and pulled out theSam!!,
and theVillageCouncilChief!! had his granddaughter with him!!, a hot Young villageVixen!! whom was actually born in 1986!!,
of course,
when Sam!! met her that day, she was only 15!!, d:o( -bummer!!-
and when any young girl is like, 15yrs old, She’s not available, hence, the rightful definition for “86”,
a food or beverage item not available, and it also means an EmployeeTermination!!
which for Sam!!
was instigated later on by said, hot young VillageChixxx!! and theSam!! ended up leaving theVillage!!, and hence,
leaving his VPSO job behind!!
You’ll all be happy to know though, that a few of those villageChixxx!! have also followed their SuitorSam!! Out of theVillage!!,
cos, per some MySpace postings, some Bebo postings and some intercepted email and cell transcripts,
theSam!! has learned that some villageChicks!! are living here in town and in other large city’s,
and they’re grown up and moved on in life too!!
Which is a good thing for everyone!!
One girl got preggerz and has a gorgeous child, and she lost her svelte figure and now measures “86” around theWaist, just like her Mother!!
and another girl went through about 86 guys to get married!!,
and she put on some pounds and fleshed out so she no longer weighs “86” lbs anymore, More like “186”, but she like the rest of the girls, are still 10’s!!
I swear,
if I’d stayed in that village!! with those “86” villageChixxx!!, I’d be “86” by now,
which brings me to.......
My BP / blood pressure,
it’s not longer one “86”, it’s much lower now that I’m no longer working as a VPSO in theVillage!!
and finally,
Tab, or Running a Tab!!,
theBarStar’s Instructor authoritatively intoned to us eager students that this item meant,
a running total, often of the bill for theGuest or Bar patron,
and is often started w/ a C-C / CreditCard!!,
now, I accept that definition, yes I do,
but you gotta look at these things from Across theBar!! from theOTHER side!!
from thePerspective of theBarGirl!! / BarTender,
when a Guest or “Client” hands over his CC, you start to unbutton a few inches of "C-C or Cute Cleave’age!! for him / her to view and Oggle,
and everytime you, theBarGirl!! starts to entertain theGuest with your shaking “goods” and eyefuls of “services”,
you step over to thePic station and ring up an additional $20 or $30 at a time,
or just do things the old fashioned (but now Strictly regulated way here in Anchorage!!)
You keep at least 4’ / feet away from thePatron and dance, Mince and cavort and wiggle and Mix drinks and pour out his beer,
as well as pour out some more cleav’age!!, and let down some more hair from your already Loose Ponytail!!
And for those Girls who are packing a HalfRack or even a whole Pallet’s worth of Liquid Enhancment behind their Sweaters,
You just start things with those CC’s / cubic centimeters, units of liquid measurement for SalineImplants,
If you have like, 2000cc’s up there you’ll never be broke or hungry as a bartender,
If you have like, 4000cc’s Plus!!, your barGuests will put your kids and your grandkids through college, Including sending YOU to night school and Certification!!,
Isn’t a “C-C” a great thing!?
oh....
and speaking of “Running tabs”, or more specifically,
“Running OUT on tabs”,
to keep theSam!! from hastily leaving once he’s finished his CheeseCake and Stoli double,
Just give him one of those small “umbrellas” used as a garnish deco,
he’ll sit at your bar for a few hours more amusing himself Opening and Closing it,
In fact, that very Act of his with his hands is a sign to you oh BarMistress!!,
as to whether or not he’s smashed enough to dupe into paying his Running Tab!! now and YOU shortchanging him,
or if he still needs another potent MaiTai!! or 3!!
he needs to be feeling fuzzy before he leaves,
else he suddenly looks at theBill and skips out on you!!
much like any boy skips out on theGirl!!, no matter how “Preggerz” your breasts Might be!!
and honestly, no matter how beautiful YOU might be to end UP Preggerz for him!!
his name is Flyinghorse, but all the smart serverGirls!! / barGirls!! in town call him “RunningTab!!”
Check out these Quotes!!
“he’s a ghost when he finishes his meal!!, zziipp!!, he’s gone”,
complains one girl at theThai Me Down!!,
“he’s here, then There!!”, points, another ServerGirl, to a bar across theStreet, theClamDive-In!!
“I had him at Bend-Over-for theMojito bottle, my TrampStamp was fresh and still bleeding too!!, but I lost him when I stood up and felt a kink in my lowerBack muscle, and started Waddling around Pregnant-Like, FOOSSH!!, he was gone!!”, a sullen (and now Pregnant!!) serverGirl!! at the XOXO Lounge!!
“him!?, Ha!!, I just start complaining about my old or current boyfriends and he gets very quiet,It works every time!!”,
gumSmacks a serverGirl!! with PuffPastry’s CoffeeHouse!!,
She speaks smartly, “and see these!?”,
She points to her new BOGO loaferz, "I can catch Sam!! at half a block in these,
and at blocks end if I’m not carrying my change & Cash Apron!!"
"thank god I can text, Cook, Food Prep, CashOut, CleanUP and WhipOut Drinks while my Other hand Texts all my ServerBuddies along theAvenue,
“Runs From Tab!!" indeed",
Indeed Sam!!
ya Bum!!
d:oP
--------------
no ServerGirls!! / BarGirls!! or bar Patrons named Sam!! were hurt in the above writings,
Just a credit card swipe and a signing of Name upon an itsy bitsy teeenny tiny credit slip receipt was forced upon theSam!! - One Hoob JiggleJuggle at a time!!
---------
luvs,
theSam!!
samuel l flyinghorse
anchorage, alaska
AlaskaVillageTales!!
----------------
*sigh*
Now for those of you who still don't get it.
Start unbuttoning those shirts and blouses,
fluff out that hair, Smile!!
start Chatting!! and get richer!!
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