theSam!! Guide to Being a Lush!!
theSam!!’s Guide to Being a BarTending Student!!
*Hiccup!!*
d:oP
How To Tell If Your BarStarz!! Instructor Is A Lush!!
1. theFiredFox!! just opened a PopUp Bar window and stole ALL theBooze!!
no wonder class was put off for 13 weeks cos an former student / Instructor got mad.
2. your Instructor begs any of his students for a dollar bill AND a nickel to show them a neat trick,
then pockets the Money!!
-bummed- d:o(
3. On opening Class day, they pass around a square beer coaster and ask everyone to “please Sign In on the Roster List being passed around,
include emergencyContacts, Your Email, a favorite Drink Recipe and your last BAC level from that DUI arrest!!
4. As part of your classTime experience, you all pack into a 15pax van and cruise theDowntown strip on Friday night to Observe theParty crowd,
and indeed, a Priest, a Rabbi and a Man does walk into a bar!!
You'd post to YouTube when the 3Blondes show up but your camera batteries died,
and quite frankly, even with 12pair of student eyes and 5 Instructor's eyes gazing upon what occurred theNext block, no one would believe YOU guyz & gals when
2 Strings spat into a beer and said to Chunks theDog!! "Don't drink this!!" and then went into theBistroBar&NightClub to look into theMagicMirror.
btw,
One school instructor lost an eye during his barCareer, so that's why, 3 instructors and 5 eyes!!
5. You get suspicious of your Wednesday night Instructor,
cos just looking at his Duffelbag, says he’s a FullTime medical student,
And theFullSizeTub of Ice in his van really IS human sized,
soon after wards, you read in the papers about, some PartyPeople passing out from drinking and waking Up in a tub of Ice water with 1 Kidney and their Liver missing!!
6. they really do accept ANYONE from Off the street,
even You Sam!!,
I meant, even Me!!
d:oP
7. Months ago when checking out theClass room, Office of the School / TrainingCtr,
You complimented HR about her flowery perfume she was wearing, and she cupped her hand in front of her mouth and smelled her breath and got embarassed,
8. you get very nervous about the 6 pending ClassTime, 15pax van fieldTrips out on theTown, cos
1 is a KaroakeBar visit, or more explicitely, an COUNTRY & WESTERN Bar visit!!
And no, NO, NO No!!
None of you are allowed to wear steelTips on your Boots or shoes!!
1 is an overnight stay at ACC / anchorageCorrectionalCtr / insert your local Jail here
1 is a visit to theFemaleDorms at University, and the fees for this trip Include a yearLong membership to drunknCute dot com and a visit to theLocal Medical Ctr for STD shots the week after!!
1 is a OneWay trip to Fairbanks / insert a local city to you that is 8hrs away by car here, and after hitting Bars and getting trashed,
they will take away ALL your $, your cell phone, your ID and your Shoes!! and boot you from theVan and you have to make it home by class time next week
1 is an OpenHouse visit via a RichRealEstate agent to show you what a weeks worth of tips (in LasVegas!!) will get you in Cash down payment!!
and you’ll finish the night by then hitting 4th ave / insert your local “wet street” here, where You will then get to meet and greet PAST BarStarz!! graduate & working Alumni!!
(and they’ve all got similarly placed scars on their hands!!, Keep reading and you’ll find out why!!)
And the final field trip out on the town is a final trip to just say hi to the folks at home!!
Cos in a few years, they won’t recognize you with bulbous Nose, flushed cheeks and a look of Torpor!!
And you’ll be so hammered, you won’t recognize them either!!
9. Week 3 of your Syllabus has your class visiting OfficeMax, SamsClub!! to stock up on blackMagicMarkerz, multiColored Markers, “Hi- My Name is......” stickers,
In fact, your Instructors surprised all you students during your TIPS review & National testing hour because while you all quietly quizzed and worked heads down looking at your desks,
they colored, painted, depantses and dressed up, shavingCreamed and accessorized EVERYONE and you didn't even feel it!!
Week 3 also has you visiting local safe ways/Carrs food stores to examine produce shipments and touch, pat, feel, heft and gaze with extreme Scrutiny!!,
upon PearlOnions and Olives for the martinis!!,
upon bananas and strawberries for the Daquari’s and smoothies,
upon nutMeg for hotCocoa, the eggNogs and the toddy kahlua coffees
upon oranges for theScrewDrivers, etc etc etc....
and upon all Cucumbers for “ScreamingVikings!!” d:oP
10. Class room rules actually Welcome Usage / consumption of Drinks while you learn!!
But the catch IS,
that you MUST have SpeedPourers in your literPops and you have to count to 2, 3 & aHalf, or up to 5 seconds while guzzling your Pepsi,
and if not, then you must FreePour your refreshment out BY THE OUNCE!! and drink it from a shot Glass
cos in this BarTending business, Ice for keeping things cold is not Only Money!!, but so is selling your Alcohol by theOunce!!
11. One day you show up for class to learn various Local / city Pic / Vista / POS / sunSystems computerized point Of sale register systems and there’s an Off duty Paramedic standing by at back of the room,
and after trying to Boot, reboot those darn machines, hitting LogIn, Entering your ID number, selecting Menu Sale option choices (stuff you sold to customer), selecting Payment options, Tally and Print out
the screens freeze, send you back to MainMenu time and time again!!
Finally you smash thePOS screen with your fist and then realize,
Why there’s Medical help standing by in back of the room!!
12. Ever after, when greeting and meeting your schools Alumni, or any Other BarStarz alumni from Other states,
You all look at each others hands and see, that you all have scars from smashing theDamn Pic / pos screens!!
13. You went to your childrens school one day to see their class Picture being taken and you jumped in and rearranged theOrder the children sat and stood,
You “speedRacked” theHyper kids up front,
you “well dryed” the ADD / gifted kids up front but OFF to the sides,
you sat thePrettiest “Days House specials” girls behind theSpeedRacked kids,
and then sat theVery very Old & unwanted VSOP kids in back!! Way out of focus of the camera!! ehh... Right next to the classTeachers, theAssistants and thePrincipal!!
And lets not forget theMexican beers and theTequilas!!, nor the European whine flavors!!
You set them on the floor Out of the way, Out of sight!!
14. You can spot a fellow Lush a mile away,
from the gentle way they rub their tender Liver in front or by their side!!
by how much blood they’re hacking up and even how far they stoop over to cough!!
by how many small items they balance and hold in each hand
(a bottle or 3 to 4 in each hand between the fingers)
by how fast and furious they “airPunch” a picStation!!
by the Baggy pants and high boots they wear,
(to accomodate theUrethraInsert tube and thePee bags taped to the legs so they can stand for hours at work)
15. For any female barStudents that will head out to rural parts Unknown to work,
You’ll be required to sell StateOfAlaska Fish&Game tags,
make change for $100 bill from 2 “fives” and a quarter,
you’ll need to acquire theGift of Gab, Anal AND Oral!!
and you’ll need to Mix up a Margarita, 2 tom Collins, and shake a Martini while Actually banging theCaptain slowly with satin sheets (or flannel) while his wife & pet dog watches!!
and you’ll need to do ALL of this with 2 children on your hip, and one in theOven!!
16. for any male barStudents that will head out to rural parts Unknown to work,
You’ll just have to check in with theAthabascanAlaskan Princess!! website for seasonal Lodge employment!! and you’ll have to be Gay or Lezzy.
17. Your instructors actually encourage MultiTasking while drinking!!
In fact, One day while you were waiting outside the class building Offices for Instructors to show, a semiTruck pulls up,
a workman gets out and offloads a 20ton Earth mover which then tracks into theParkinglot driveay and demolishes yours and 3 other students vehicles,
then theDriver staggers out and whips off her hardHat, and you see that it’s
your Instructor!!
She promptly downs a bottle of Wild Turkey and empties the last of her Vicadin before slurring an epitaphed greeting at you then unlocking the school doors,
she then commences to pulling her Nano Ipod buds from her ears, switching off her BlueTooth headSet while cursing her divorce lawyer and her boyfriend via cellPhone.
Looking back at theEarthMove and theSemiTruck, your classMates notice that she left the vcr aerobics tape still playing, theInet windows are still WideOpen on her PCTablet,
and her Wii and helmetHeadset are still “ON”
18. you and your fellow students wonder why the classroom is So big and notice that there are 12 evenly spaced small Quarter sized Indentations on the carpeted floor,
as if big tables or sofas were in place there but now, a huge space in the class rooms sits empty,
theSchoolAdmin quietly intones that, the local billiardsPalace vendors repod the Pooltables recently.
One classMate of yours then asks why theBay windows in theOffice are brand new,
theSchoolAdmin quietly intones that, he then threw theBilliards Repo men out the windows.
19. Every now and then, an Instructor texts you, sends Pics or video and you finally ask them why they contact you constantly,
to which they sadly reply, “All my Rowdy friends have settled down.....”
and finally, the most obvious reason you can tell your Instructor is a Lush!!
20. when first paying your Thousand dollar fees In CASH!! to the HungOver / groggy schoolIntake / registrar,
she perked up and then slowly closed the door to her office, seductively dimmed theLights,
put a WhiteSnake tape in the boombox, coyly lit a cigarette and said that she was only 24, had a hysterectomy & you had 15minutes!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
I'm theSam!!, cheers!!
Luvs,
theLush!!
samuel l flyinghorse
anchorage, alaska
AlaskaVillageTales
*Hiccup!!*
d:oP
How To Tell If Your BarStarz!! Instructor Is A Lush!!
1. theFiredFox!! just opened a PopUp Bar window and stole ALL theBooze!!
no wonder class was put off for 13 weeks cos an former student / Instructor got mad.
2. your Instructor begs any of his students for a dollar bill AND a nickel to show them a neat trick,
then pockets the Money!!
-bummed- d:o(
3. On opening Class day, they pass around a square beer coaster and ask everyone to “please Sign In on the Roster List being passed around,
include emergencyContacts, Your Email, a favorite Drink Recipe and your last BAC level from that DUI arrest!!
4. As part of your classTime experience, you all pack into a 15pax van and cruise theDowntown strip on Friday night to Observe theParty crowd,
and indeed, a Priest, a Rabbi and a Man does walk into a bar!!
You'd post to YouTube when the 3Blondes show up but your camera batteries died,
and quite frankly, even with 12pair of student eyes and 5 Instructor's eyes gazing upon what occurred theNext block, no one would believe YOU guyz & gals when
2 Strings spat into a beer and said to Chunks theDog!! "Don't drink this!!" and then went into theBistroBar&NightClub to look into theMagicMirror.
btw,
One school instructor lost an eye during his barCareer, so that's why, 3 instructors and 5 eyes!!
5. You get suspicious of your Wednesday night Instructor,
cos just looking at his Duffelbag, says he’s a FullTime medical student,
And theFullSizeTub of Ice in his van really IS human sized,
soon after wards, you read in the papers about, some PartyPeople passing out from drinking and waking Up in a tub of Ice water with 1 Kidney and their Liver missing!!
6. they really do accept ANYONE from Off the street,
even You Sam!!,
I meant, even Me!!
d:oP
7. Months ago when checking out theClass room, Office of the School / TrainingCtr,
You complimented HR about her flowery perfume she was wearing, and she cupped her hand in front of her mouth and smelled her breath and got embarassed,
8. you get very nervous about the 6 pending ClassTime, 15pax van fieldTrips out on theTown, cos
1 is a KaroakeBar visit, or more explicitely, an COUNTRY & WESTERN Bar visit!!
And no, NO, NO No!!
None of you are allowed to wear steelTips on your Boots or shoes!!
1 is an overnight stay at ACC / anchorageCorrectionalCtr / insert your local Jail here
1 is a visit to theFemaleDorms at University, and the fees for this trip Include a yearLong membership to drunknCute dot com and a visit to theLocal Medical Ctr for STD shots the week after!!
1 is a OneWay trip to Fairbanks / insert a local city to you that is 8hrs away by car here, and after hitting Bars and getting trashed,
they will take away ALL your $, your cell phone, your ID and your Shoes!! and boot you from theVan and you have to make it home by class time next week
1 is an OpenHouse visit via a RichRealEstate agent to show you what a weeks worth of tips (in LasVegas!!) will get you in Cash down payment!!
and you’ll finish the night by then hitting 4th ave / insert your local “wet street” here, where You will then get to meet and greet PAST BarStarz!! graduate & working Alumni!!
(and they’ve all got similarly placed scars on their hands!!, Keep reading and you’ll find out why!!)
And the final field trip out on the town is a final trip to just say hi to the folks at home!!
Cos in a few years, they won’t recognize you with bulbous Nose, flushed cheeks and a look of Torpor!!
And you’ll be so hammered, you won’t recognize them either!!
9. Week 3 of your Syllabus has your class visiting OfficeMax, SamsClub!! to stock up on blackMagicMarkerz, multiColored Markers, “Hi- My Name is......” stickers,
In fact, your Instructors surprised all you students during your TIPS review & National testing hour because while you all quietly quizzed and worked heads down looking at your desks,
they colored, painted, depantses and dressed up, shavingCreamed and accessorized EVERYONE and you didn't even feel it!!
Week 3 also has you visiting local safe ways/Carrs food stores to examine produce shipments and touch, pat, feel, heft and gaze with extreme Scrutiny!!,
upon PearlOnions and Olives for the martinis!!,
upon bananas and strawberries for the Daquari’s and smoothies,
upon nutMeg for hotCocoa, the eggNogs and the toddy kahlua coffees
upon oranges for theScrewDrivers, etc etc etc....
and upon all Cucumbers for “ScreamingVikings!!” d:oP
10. Class room rules actually Welcome Usage / consumption of Drinks while you learn!!
But the catch IS,
that you MUST have SpeedPourers in your literPops and you have to count to 2, 3 & aHalf, or up to 5 seconds while guzzling your Pepsi,
and if not, then you must FreePour your refreshment out BY THE OUNCE!! and drink it from a shot Glass
cos in this BarTending business, Ice for keeping things cold is not Only Money!!, but so is selling your Alcohol by theOunce!!
11. One day you show up for class to learn various Local / city Pic / Vista / POS / sunSystems computerized point Of sale register systems and there’s an Off duty Paramedic standing by at back of the room,
and after trying to Boot, reboot those darn machines, hitting LogIn, Entering your ID number, selecting Menu Sale option choices (stuff you sold to customer), selecting Payment options, Tally and Print out
the screens freeze, send you back to MainMenu time and time again!!
Finally you smash thePOS screen with your fist and then realize,
Why there’s Medical help standing by in back of the room!!
12. Ever after, when greeting and meeting your schools Alumni, or any Other BarStarz alumni from Other states,
You all look at each others hands and see, that you all have scars from smashing theDamn Pic / pos screens!!
13. You went to your childrens school one day to see their class Picture being taken and you jumped in and rearranged theOrder the children sat and stood,
You “speedRacked” theHyper kids up front,
you “well dryed” the ADD / gifted kids up front but OFF to the sides,
you sat thePrettiest “Days House specials” girls behind theSpeedRacked kids,
and then sat theVery very Old & unwanted VSOP kids in back!! Way out of focus of the camera!! ehh... Right next to the classTeachers, theAssistants and thePrincipal!!
And lets not forget theMexican beers and theTequilas!!, nor the European whine flavors!!
You set them on the floor Out of the way, Out of sight!!
14. You can spot a fellow Lush a mile away,
from the gentle way they rub their tender Liver in front or by their side!!
by how much blood they’re hacking up and even how far they stoop over to cough!!
by how many small items they balance and hold in each hand
(a bottle or 3 to 4 in each hand between the fingers)
by how fast and furious they “airPunch” a picStation!!
by the Baggy pants and high boots they wear,
(to accomodate theUrethraInsert tube and thePee bags taped to the legs so they can stand for hours at work)
15. For any female barStudents that will head out to rural parts Unknown to work,
You’ll be required to sell StateOfAlaska Fish&Game tags,
make change for $100 bill from 2 “fives” and a quarter,
you’ll need to acquire theGift of Gab, Anal AND Oral!!
and you’ll need to Mix up a Margarita, 2 tom Collins, and shake a Martini while Actually banging theCaptain slowly with satin sheets (or flannel) while his wife & pet dog watches!!
and you’ll need to do ALL of this with 2 children on your hip, and one in theOven!!
16. for any male barStudents that will head out to rural parts Unknown to work,
You’ll just have to check in with theAthabascanAlaskan Princess!! website for seasonal Lodge employment!! and you’ll have to be Gay or Lezzy.
17. Your instructors actually encourage MultiTasking while drinking!!
In fact, One day while you were waiting outside the class building Offices for Instructors to show, a semiTruck pulls up,
a workman gets out and offloads a 20ton Earth mover which then tracks into theParkinglot driveay and demolishes yours and 3 other students vehicles,
then theDriver staggers out and whips off her hardHat, and you see that it’s
your Instructor!!
She promptly downs a bottle of Wild Turkey and empties the last of her Vicadin before slurring an epitaphed greeting at you then unlocking the school doors,
she then commences to pulling her Nano Ipod buds from her ears, switching off her BlueTooth headSet while cursing her divorce lawyer and her boyfriend via cellPhone.
Looking back at theEarthMove and theSemiTruck, your classMates notice that she left the vcr aerobics tape still playing, theInet windows are still WideOpen on her PCTablet,
and her Wii and helmetHeadset are still “ON”
18. you and your fellow students wonder why the classroom is So big and notice that there are 12 evenly spaced small Quarter sized Indentations on the carpeted floor,
as if big tables or sofas were in place there but now, a huge space in the class rooms sits empty,
theSchoolAdmin quietly intones that, the local billiardsPalace vendors repod the Pooltables recently.
One classMate of yours then asks why theBay windows in theOffice are brand new,
theSchoolAdmin quietly intones that, he then threw theBilliards Repo men out the windows.
19. Every now and then, an Instructor texts you, sends Pics or video and you finally ask them why they contact you constantly,
to which they sadly reply, “All my Rowdy friends have settled down.....”
and finally, the most obvious reason you can tell your Instructor is a Lush!!
20. when first paying your Thousand dollar fees In CASH!! to the HungOver / groggy schoolIntake / registrar,
she perked up and then slowly closed the door to her office, seductively dimmed theLights,
put a WhiteSnake tape in the boombox, coyly lit a cigarette and said that she was only 24, had a hysterectomy & you had 15minutes!!
-----------------------------------------------------------
I'm theSam!!, cheers!!
Luvs,
theLush!!
samuel l flyinghorse
anchorage, alaska
AlaskaVillageTales
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