You Know You're an.........
You Know You're A Lush if...
Body:
You look down and ask, Where’d that BeerGut come from!?
You Know You're An Bartender Student if......
1) You have more Glassware in your cupBoards than you do of food & dishes.
And when the local Thrift shop runs low on other related Bar & Dish ware,
they PAY YOU triple to stock up their Inventory!!
2) You practice your peopleSkills by talking to thePeople on tv,
“So... What’ll ya’ have Mack!?”, and that stupid guy in theMirrors always orders a Rum & Coke!!
“dawwg gammit, Order something else for Chrissies sakes!!”
3) You are more afraid of theSober!!People than you are of theDrunks!!,
cos at least theDrinkers “understand”,
they “See how things are”, and besides, “You LOOK better too when THEY drink!!”
4) You're the only one in theMen’s room “who gets It“ when you can judge, down to theOunce!!, how much Urine you Or Others puts out just by listening!!
5) Your First MonetaryTip!! is framed and hanging in the hallway with your family photos,
however, that $5 bill is just Micro-PlayMoney from theSchool‘s CashMachine!!,
and your first “Client“ ever was that hotClassMate you “ordered” from during Student-Time-Behind-theBar!!
6) You invite friends “over” to watch home movies and they see your last three barClassSessions,
As posted to YouTube!!, and you get pissed off because none of them Rate your vids!!
7) Your School’s Alumnus
(and subsequent students that attend AFTER YOU) stops and stares at the Sony Night cam w/Real-TimeUplink!!, aimed at the InteriorStoreRooms and at theFreezers & Fridge at School
and yourInstructors have to tell them all about “That Guy!!” that kept trying to break in for the freeBooze!!
8) You get scared and deathly Ill when ever you see people throwing out plastic and glass bottles,
especially ALCOHOL bottles and you want to file complaints to thePolice for AlcoholAbuse and Wasted drops!! (in theContainers)
9) You sit at your HomeComputer and feel lost unless there’s an “PICstation” logo, or an “POS” 3.7vsn Watermark staring back at you.
And even worse, You annoy yourself by sitting down to LogOnline and you Peck-Peck-Peck at theGlass screen to signOn-Shift and nothing happens.
10) You sleep with a “borrowed“ Corona neon light that burns Respectfully!! 24 / 7 just in case you need to “Honor” a fallen bottle, Case or unused “HalfRack” somewhere out there!!
And you quietly laugh yourself to sleep, cos not even metroPower knows why theBus stop ShelterLight just 400’ from your Apt goes out when ever you plug theKettle 1 Stirs-A-Shot!! into theWall and half theBlock lights go dim.
11) You have an latestCopy of “Drunks!!” magazine toRest the remote upon for the TV and your Military DrillInstructors would be proud of you, cos not OneSpeck of dust can be found upon that magazine!!
12) Your kids say they have an imaginary friend and out come theInventorySheets for ALL the places in theHouse,
your neighbors across theStreet (including their backYard!!) and your In-Laws house across town of Where you HIDE your Alcohol / Mixers and your favorite ShakerGlasss
you begin interogation of your Kids by asking,
“How much of my Stash did you have to drink!?
13) At an publicEvent you note, TapeRecord and photograph ALL the potential hiding spots for alcohol,
as well as making notations, updated tapeRecordings and photoUpdates to Study later on (to see if anyone “Moved your markers”) to see if anyone else GotInto your hidden stashes of alcohol.
Meanwhile, theLawsuit against theCity!! slowly drags on in court, because no one will believe that you hollowed out 3 dozen Park strip “Bricks” and hid those tiny Shot bottles of Vodka inside them, but since theCity ripped up half of downtown just this last summer,
All your 2005 season “gatherings” are gone and so is your Entourage of 4thAve friends!!
14) You spend more time with dead people than the living, then you realize, that’s only cos you drink too much!!
And btw, “Get theHell out of my room!!
I’mma axe you again and again, Leave now!!
I’ma Axxe yoo now,, Leave!!
*hiccup!!*,
Ahhm acks yoo.... *yawn....*
uhmmm acks yoo to.....”
15) You're watching a movie called “CockTail” with your family and someone asks "Can BarTenderz really do that?"
(regarding theFlair based flashy Shaker flips and bottle spins)
and you put on Running shoes, before actually showing your parents a fancy bottle spin on your head and then you balance a bottle (on it’s side) on your head and pour liquid into a glass held behind your back,
then standing very still, you hold that drink behind your back, stick the straw up your ass and Drink it!! ( a trick you learned from a Goth girlfriend!!)
You’re too embarrased to explain the 6 months of hard earned Bottle spin and flip practice in your living room, and as a result of broken glass worked INTO the carpeting, You Never go barefoot in your ENTIRE house after that.
I mean, after all, that brief 3 months of Living with that cuteGoth Chick!! was fun, but she started to throw glass bottles at you AFTER engorging her intestines with straight alcohol and Getting REEAALLLY drunk and you HAD TO DO something else to cover up theREAL reason why there’s embedded glass in your house carpet,
so you learned to juggle glass bottles and voila,
You became a barTender!!
16) Attending a family reunion, a wedding, a funeral, even if theSky is cloudy or Blue!!
You always use practically any reason and Occasion to take a trip to the local Package store!! - Where you ONLY buy theAlcohol brand that was TheEmpty & WaterFilled containers that your bartendingSchool used.
Advertisers burn things into your brain by emplacing their product in front of you,
But your BarInstructors burn, BEAT and Whip their product placings into, ON you, InsideYou, beside, above and BeHIND you
People think you drink heavily because of your Product Loyalty, but you drink to get away from theInstructors memories!!
d:oP
17) The only place in town, besides theBars, theStripClubs, theRestaurants & all your friendsPlaces AND JAIL!! where everyone knows your name, is theClosestPackage store in theHood!!,
Where you are theOnly One ALLOWED to take your BackPack or any Bags (empty or Full) and you can roam freely in theStore.
They let you do this only because you always buy lots of booze every time you visit theStore, AND the parent company sends you exclusive DEALS, perks and gifts via Email postings of Sales, GiveAways and FreeTrips & prizes.
18) Your friends tell you not to get involved in this “Silly BarTending stuff“,
because you may end up in a lower profession FAR BENEATH that of a BarTender - as a Bar & Restaurant DishWashMachine operator!!,
but then you show them a few paycheck stubs from your 2 DMO jobs you have and they conceded that indeed, you have already sunk far below Humanity, even Satan feels sorry for you!!
19) You have more SAVED “drinking and partying” videoClips on yourYouTube accounts than you do have of your favorite Pron mattressActresses and fetish stars!!
Yes, I said. ACCOUNTS as in plural,
Cos after 5000 video saves, youTube won‘t let your account SAVE anymore videos,
So you open up multiple Email accounts Just to keep saving BarTending “make a Drink“ vids.
20) You have more Glass in your house (from theAlcohol bottles) than theAnchorage recycling center has taken in and put out in the last 10yrs!!
Maybe even theWhole of Anchorage!!,
even Alaska!!
Speaking of which, only a handful of people in theCity!! know WHY you head on over to theEastSide and pee in theMall parking lot at 0200hrs every summer!!
it’s because, when a drinking buddy of yours House burned down, his entire Alcohol bottle collection literally melted from theFlames and instead of neighbors calling theFireDept,
they called DOT and a few private lot paving companies and everyone worked 5hrs in smoothing out and spreading ALL theHot dirt and sand & melted glass and paved out an 3 football fields sized parking lots and voila!! a Mall site was born!!
21) You get a new “BarTenderz” guide, or recipe book or deck of Recipe cards from theBarnz book store,
or even Purchase and downLoad from theInet AND THEN you compare those Recipes to theBarSchool recipes that was literally “barSpooned, Muller-Stick, and PourMat” beaten into you by your Instructors.
In fact, your Navy PT instructors, those Huge bodyBuilding SEAL’s, seem like panzies compared to your BarStars Training cos,
Your Bar Instructors made your Class Lift and HOLD UP theEntire Office building that theSchool was located IN!!
And your WaterBoarding was done with Stale Well libations and you had "used", “touched” stirStickStraws shoved under your fingerTips after theSERE employers caught you!!
And you know how theInstructors never quit an Evolution until they GET ONE Quitter!!, damn that hot Lil ServerChick,
.....theQuitter!!....... you liked her too.
22) You are waiting for Regis, Kelly, Dr Phil or even those MythBuster guys to ask,
"What is theBest method to make a Gibson, and just how many “shakes“ of theShakerTin does it take to blend the drink!?",
in fact, you’re so prepared for this Proverbial question, that you always purchase an open ended ticket to theLower 48 every 6 months.
23) You take a picture of your entire family or of you and your Friends but you Can’t see ANYONE in the picture due to everyone holding up so many Glasses and Mugs and containers of Libations in front of them.
24) You’re still annoyed at your classMates because when, during last weeks ShooterNight!!,
drinking real alcohol night!!-that when a few classMates had to use the multiple STALL restrooms during break, they actually did PEE like raceHorses and overflowed and backed up thePlumbing!!
At least you and your OTHER classmates, woooo'd, Wow’d and impressed theLandscape company next door by making the nearby bushes sprout up into a HedgeRow!!
and speaking of Plumbing - in 2 weeks, Your Stool has turned Whiter than Half -n-Half and you aged 30yrs!!
25) You keep an eagle eye on theMonthly tv guide to catch those TCM / classic movies,
where “Ol’ BlueEyes” himself sings, growls and drinks from theBar just to see how theBarTender mixed theOld Fashioned Drinks!!
You spend weekends arguing with your friends as you wind and Rewind their TIVO clips.
26) Your idea of a perfect first date is taking him/her to someplace dark, NOISY!!,
full of questionable characters and people of illRepute just to see how they’ll handle themselves,
yeah.... Face it
You’re a Lush and you always take a First Date to theMonthly Bar school’s ShootersNight and get naked & Unconscious!!, and to meet those questionable, shady peeps!! Erh....
I mean, to meet Sam!!
27) You agree and can identify with most of what is written here AND you always Bother Sam!! with 30, 50 and 100 extra examples of how things really are after he posts “How To tell When.....”
28) On graduation Night from barTraining, NO taxi’s will pick you guys up, cos of complaints from theBars!! from the Month’s previous “Shooterx Nights” drinking escapades!!
oh yeah... You forgot to bail your two classmates out of jail too, no wonder they’ve been absent so long, they’ve been sober, dried out and hung over from sitting in jail alllll month - Including an AssistantInstructor.
29) during Sex you actually DO “orgasm” by.....
“Kicking”, (kahlua)
“Bending” a bit (baileys)
going “AAghhh!!” (Amaretto)and
“Shooting!!” (remembering that you first grab a Shooters Glass and pour theIngredients in)
As for your Other mentalHooks, Salacious acronyms, mnemonics and sexInduendo lyrics to HELP you remember drinks and thePouring Order,
Your Younger (by 20 or 30+yrs) classMates and a few Instructors didn’t Get It,
when you shared your mental imagery to the “Beam Me UP Scotty!!” shooter drink,
which for Sam!! starts with “having a Kling On clinging to theBar.....”
How ever you then glibly utter “Fisting”, “dogPuke”, and then flip everyone OFF (fuckYou) and everyone understands theDrink and theImagery down to theOUNCE, on how to make it!!
Then an Industry WholeSale Beverage Vendor overhears your exasperated Illustration and spends the Next two class days stretching out your Imagery / Recipe Minder, his own rectum and finely points out down to the exact Tattoos, Nose / Clit and mental / emotional SCARS that your Guest at theBar will HAVE 6 yrs in advance!!!
and how she, by holding her Suicidal attempted marked up arms (at Such & such Angle), will affect her depression down To-The-Minute!! - when ordering that EXACT drink from YOU for her BoyFriend, 2 yrs from now!!
30) and finally......
You know you’re a BarStar student when........
half theBus riders!! will gladly pay your weeks FARE just so you can Debate them upon whether Chugging vs Shotgunning a beer will cause theDungBeetles in SouthAmerica to rollFaster!!,
and theOtherHalf of the bus riders will want to be your friends and hug you just to feel and see if you have any Alcohol upon you.
In fact, several pretty gurls follow YOU and CARRY your Student manuals and wait outside class for you!!
d:oP
-------------------------------------------------
and now for the FollowUP,
How To Tell You're new BarCareer is right for YOU!!
----
1. Your Blog SiteMeter Updates go straight toPhoneTxt and by now you recognize theIP addresses of certain Visitors!!
You can see everyone's faces really,
They're fascinated with watching you spin and spiral downward, headed to Oblivion.
face it Sam.... You're your own TrainWreck-in-Slow-Motion
d:o(
2. Even theDrunks on 3rd Ave don't respect you!!
3. When visiting your favorite Bar / Eatery downtown, you catch an glimpse of an beggar smoking outside and buskingChange
then a few hours later after listening to Live music and you wanna Cashout your tab,
Your Server / BarTender "IS" that Beggar!!
4. You notice an State logo'd DeptOfLabor, whiteVan stalking you for the last week and you can recognize the 3 Office emps that you were familiar with,
when first visiting GambleSt DOL jobBank 3yrs ago they were helpful and happy to see you get Security work but now they're sad, Crying and gnashing their teeth!!,
somehow, you sense ANOTHER Intervention / Kidnapping episode thrust upon you.
5. Upon waking up bright and early one weekday morning,
You hear theCleaningLady enter theMain Apt and then, you hear theUsual sounds of theVacuam and then you hear her cleaning theBathroom etc, etc,
Then a large White manilla envelop gets stuffed under your BedroomAPT door, Upon looking at thePacket, you see theLOGO of an TEMP agency.
An hour later you ask yourLandlady why she put theApplications envelop under your door and she has no idea what you're talking about, Because TODAY wasn't her Apt cleaning day and SHE never stepped foot into your APT!!
6. You catch theBus!! one day and theDriver IS your regular BarTender / Chef & Security at ANOTHER faveHangout of yours,
However, she avoids eyeContact with you and when you ask her about traffic,
she attempts to sound like an Asian woman, which is hard for her to do,
being that she's 24yrs old, stands 5'9", has blondeHair / Blue eyes and she's an Anchorage born & raised native!!
7. When you answer theApt door one Saturday morning theJayDubb!! (giving door to door religion pamphlets) IS your 3rd favorite Chef'sHelper / Bartender / ServerGirl!! / GenMgr at your 4th fave Hangout in theCity!!
8. When you're enjoying an recent Sunny afternoon in a downtown Park,
two nativeHomeless approach and coax & cajoles you out of half your Deli FriedRice w/ChickenSesami meal by literally stealing your food and running away!!
As they get away from thePark, you notice their disguises start to come off and see that it was really 2 localBarTenders that took your food!!
-----
d:oP
I'm theSam!!
and after visiting theHoliday convenience store just down the street, after midnight, You'll never in a million years guess whom I saw behind theCash register!!
She had blonde hair, blue eyes, Was kinda Fattie and Hot!! and can pour, Mix and Shake my drinks once a week, But after she bent down behind theCounter out of sight
Upped popped a Brotha' 5'tall with close shaven hair and There was NO ONE else in the store!!
d:oP
Body:
You look down and ask, Where’d that BeerGut come from!?
You Know You're An Bartender Student if......
1) You have more Glassware in your cupBoards than you do of food & dishes.
And when the local Thrift shop runs low on other related Bar & Dish ware,
they PAY YOU triple to stock up their Inventory!!
2) You practice your peopleSkills by talking to thePeople on tv,
“So... What’ll ya’ have Mack!?”, and that stupid guy in theMirrors always orders a Rum & Coke!!
“dawwg gammit, Order something else for Chrissies sakes!!”
3) You are more afraid of theSober!!People than you are of theDrunks!!,
cos at least theDrinkers “understand”,
they “See how things are”, and besides, “You LOOK better too when THEY drink!!”
4) You're the only one in theMen’s room “who gets It“ when you can judge, down to theOunce!!, how much Urine you Or Others puts out just by listening!!
5) Your First MonetaryTip!! is framed and hanging in the hallway with your family photos,
however, that $5 bill is just Micro-PlayMoney from theSchool‘s CashMachine!!,
and your first “Client“ ever was that hotClassMate you “ordered” from during Student-Time-Behind-theBar!!
6) You invite friends “over” to watch home movies and they see your last three barClassSessions,
As posted to YouTube!!, and you get pissed off because none of them Rate your vids!!
7) Your School’s Alumnus
(and subsequent students that attend AFTER YOU) stops and stares at the Sony Night cam w/Real-TimeUplink!!, aimed at the InteriorStoreRooms and at theFreezers & Fridge at School
and yourInstructors have to tell them all about “That Guy!!” that kept trying to break in for the freeBooze!!
8) You get scared and deathly Ill when ever you see people throwing out plastic and glass bottles,
especially ALCOHOL bottles and you want to file complaints to thePolice for AlcoholAbuse and Wasted drops!! (in theContainers)
9) You sit at your HomeComputer and feel lost unless there’s an “PICstation” logo, or an “POS” 3.7vsn Watermark staring back at you.
And even worse, You annoy yourself by sitting down to LogOnline and you Peck-Peck-Peck at theGlass screen to signOn-Shift and nothing happens.
10) You sleep with a “borrowed“ Corona neon light that burns Respectfully!! 24 / 7 just in case you need to “Honor” a fallen bottle, Case or unused “HalfRack” somewhere out there!!
And you quietly laugh yourself to sleep, cos not even metroPower knows why theBus stop ShelterLight just 400’ from your Apt goes out when ever you plug theKettle 1 Stirs-A-Shot!! into theWall and half theBlock lights go dim.
11) You have an latestCopy of “Drunks!!” magazine toRest the remote upon for the TV and your Military DrillInstructors would be proud of you, cos not OneSpeck of dust can be found upon that magazine!!
12) Your kids say they have an imaginary friend and out come theInventorySheets for ALL the places in theHouse,
your neighbors across theStreet (including their backYard!!) and your In-Laws house across town of Where you HIDE your Alcohol / Mixers and your favorite ShakerGlasss
you begin interogation of your Kids by asking,
“How much of my Stash did you have to drink!?
13) At an publicEvent you note, TapeRecord and photograph ALL the potential hiding spots for alcohol,
as well as making notations, updated tapeRecordings and photoUpdates to Study later on (to see if anyone “Moved your markers”) to see if anyone else GotInto your hidden stashes of alcohol.
Meanwhile, theLawsuit against theCity!! slowly drags on in court, because no one will believe that you hollowed out 3 dozen Park strip “Bricks” and hid those tiny Shot bottles of Vodka inside them, but since theCity ripped up half of downtown just this last summer,
All your 2005 season “gatherings” are gone and so is your Entourage of 4thAve friends!!
14) You spend more time with dead people than the living, then you realize, that’s only cos you drink too much!!
And btw, “Get theHell out of my room!!
I’mma axe you again and again, Leave now!!
I’ma Axxe yoo now,, Leave!!
*hiccup!!*,
Ahhm acks yoo.... *yawn....*
uhmmm acks yoo to.....”
15) You're watching a movie called “CockTail” with your family and someone asks "Can BarTenderz really do that?"
(regarding theFlair based flashy Shaker flips and bottle spins)
and you put on Running shoes, before actually showing your parents a fancy bottle spin on your head and then you balance a bottle (on it’s side) on your head and pour liquid into a glass held behind your back,
then standing very still, you hold that drink behind your back, stick the straw up your ass and Drink it!! ( a trick you learned from a Goth girlfriend!!)
You’re too embarrased to explain the 6 months of hard earned Bottle spin and flip practice in your living room, and as a result of broken glass worked INTO the carpeting, You Never go barefoot in your ENTIRE house after that.
I mean, after all, that brief 3 months of Living with that cuteGoth Chick!! was fun, but she started to throw glass bottles at you AFTER engorging her intestines with straight alcohol and Getting REEAALLLY drunk and you HAD TO DO something else to cover up theREAL reason why there’s embedded glass in your house carpet,
so you learned to juggle glass bottles and voila,
You became a barTender!!
16) Attending a family reunion, a wedding, a funeral, even if theSky is cloudy or Blue!!
You always use practically any reason and Occasion to take a trip to the local Package store!! - Where you ONLY buy theAlcohol brand that was TheEmpty & WaterFilled containers that your bartendingSchool used.
Advertisers burn things into your brain by emplacing their product in front of you,
But your BarInstructors burn, BEAT and Whip their product placings into, ON you, InsideYou, beside, above and BeHIND you
People think you drink heavily because of your Product Loyalty, but you drink to get away from theInstructors memories!!
d:oP
17) The only place in town, besides theBars, theStripClubs, theRestaurants & all your friendsPlaces AND JAIL!! where everyone knows your name, is theClosestPackage store in theHood!!,
Where you are theOnly One ALLOWED to take your BackPack or any Bags (empty or Full) and you can roam freely in theStore.
They let you do this only because you always buy lots of booze every time you visit theStore, AND the parent company sends you exclusive DEALS, perks and gifts via Email postings of Sales, GiveAways and FreeTrips & prizes.
18) Your friends tell you not to get involved in this “Silly BarTending stuff“,
because you may end up in a lower profession FAR BENEATH that of a BarTender - as a Bar & Restaurant DishWashMachine operator!!,
but then you show them a few paycheck stubs from your 2 DMO jobs you have and they conceded that indeed, you have already sunk far below Humanity, even Satan feels sorry for you!!
19) You have more SAVED “drinking and partying” videoClips on yourYouTube accounts than you do have of your favorite Pron mattressActresses and fetish stars!!
Yes, I said. ACCOUNTS as in plural,
Cos after 5000 video saves, youTube won‘t let your account SAVE anymore videos,
So you open up multiple Email accounts Just to keep saving BarTending “make a Drink“ vids.
20) You have more Glass in your house (from theAlcohol bottles) than theAnchorage recycling center has taken in and put out in the last 10yrs!!
Maybe even theWhole of Anchorage!!,
even Alaska!!
Speaking of which, only a handful of people in theCity!! know WHY you head on over to theEastSide and pee in theMall parking lot at 0200hrs every summer!!
it’s because, when a drinking buddy of yours House burned down, his entire Alcohol bottle collection literally melted from theFlames and instead of neighbors calling theFireDept,
they called DOT and a few private lot paving companies and everyone worked 5hrs in smoothing out and spreading ALL theHot dirt and sand & melted glass and paved out an 3 football fields sized parking lots and voila!! a Mall site was born!!
21) You get a new “BarTenderz” guide, or recipe book or deck of Recipe cards from theBarnz book store,
or even Purchase and downLoad from theInet AND THEN you compare those Recipes to theBarSchool recipes that was literally “barSpooned, Muller-Stick, and PourMat” beaten into you by your Instructors.
In fact, your Navy PT instructors, those Huge bodyBuilding SEAL’s, seem like panzies compared to your BarStars Training cos,
Your Bar Instructors made your Class Lift and HOLD UP theEntire Office building that theSchool was located IN!!
And your WaterBoarding was done with Stale Well libations and you had "used", “touched” stirStickStraws shoved under your fingerTips after theSERE employers caught you!!
And you know how theInstructors never quit an Evolution until they GET ONE Quitter!!, damn that hot Lil ServerChick,
.....theQuitter!!....... you liked her too.
22) You are waiting for Regis, Kelly, Dr Phil or even those MythBuster guys to ask,
"What is theBest method to make a Gibson, and just how many “shakes“ of theShakerTin does it take to blend the drink!?",
in fact, you’re so prepared for this Proverbial question, that you always purchase an open ended ticket to theLower 48 every 6 months.
23) You take a picture of your entire family or of you and your Friends but you Can’t see ANYONE in the picture due to everyone holding up so many Glasses and Mugs and containers of Libations in front of them.
24) You’re still annoyed at your classMates because when, during last weeks ShooterNight!!,
drinking real alcohol night!!-that when a few classMates had to use the multiple STALL restrooms during break, they actually did PEE like raceHorses and overflowed and backed up thePlumbing!!
At least you and your OTHER classmates, woooo'd, Wow’d and impressed theLandscape company next door by making the nearby bushes sprout up into a HedgeRow!!
and speaking of Plumbing - in 2 weeks, Your Stool has turned Whiter than Half -n-Half and you aged 30yrs!!
25) You keep an eagle eye on theMonthly tv guide to catch those TCM / classic movies,
where “Ol’ BlueEyes” himself sings, growls and drinks from theBar just to see how theBarTender mixed theOld Fashioned Drinks!!
You spend weekends arguing with your friends as you wind and Rewind their TIVO clips.
26) Your idea of a perfect first date is taking him/her to someplace dark, NOISY!!,
full of questionable characters and people of illRepute just to see how they’ll handle themselves,
yeah.... Face it
You’re a Lush and you always take a First Date to theMonthly Bar school’s ShootersNight and get naked & Unconscious!!, and to meet those questionable, shady peeps!! Erh....
I mean, to meet Sam!!
27) You agree and can identify with most of what is written here AND you always Bother Sam!! with 30, 50 and 100 extra examples of how things really are after he posts “How To tell When.....”
28) On graduation Night from barTraining, NO taxi’s will pick you guys up, cos of complaints from theBars!! from the Month’s previous “Shooterx Nights” drinking escapades!!
oh yeah... You forgot to bail your two classmates out of jail too, no wonder they’ve been absent so long, they’ve been sober, dried out and hung over from sitting in jail alllll month - Including an AssistantInstructor.
29) during Sex you actually DO “orgasm” by.....
“Kicking”, (kahlua)
“Bending” a bit (baileys)
going “AAghhh!!” (Amaretto)and
“Shooting!!” (remembering that you first grab a Shooters Glass and pour theIngredients in)
As for your Other mentalHooks, Salacious acronyms, mnemonics and sexInduendo lyrics to HELP you remember drinks and thePouring Order,
Your Younger (by 20 or 30+yrs) classMates and a few Instructors didn’t Get It,
when you shared your mental imagery to the “Beam Me UP Scotty!!” shooter drink,
which for Sam!! starts with “having a Kling On clinging to theBar.....”
How ever you then glibly utter “Fisting”, “dogPuke”, and then flip everyone OFF (fuckYou) and everyone understands theDrink and theImagery down to theOUNCE, on how to make it!!
Then an Industry WholeSale Beverage Vendor overhears your exasperated Illustration and spends the Next two class days stretching out your Imagery / Recipe Minder, his own rectum and finely points out down to the exact Tattoos, Nose / Clit and mental / emotional SCARS that your Guest at theBar will HAVE 6 yrs in advance!!!
and how she, by holding her Suicidal attempted marked up arms (at Such & such Angle), will affect her depression down To-The-Minute!! - when ordering that EXACT drink from YOU for her BoyFriend, 2 yrs from now!!
30) and finally......
You know you’re a BarStar student when........
half theBus riders!! will gladly pay your weeks FARE just so you can Debate them upon whether Chugging vs Shotgunning a beer will cause theDungBeetles in SouthAmerica to rollFaster!!,
and theOtherHalf of the bus riders will want to be your friends and hug you just to feel and see if you have any Alcohol upon you.
In fact, several pretty gurls follow YOU and CARRY your Student manuals and wait outside class for you!!
d:oP
-------------------------------------------------
and now for the FollowUP,
How To Tell You're new BarCareer is right for YOU!!
----
1. Your Blog SiteMeter Updates go straight toPhoneTxt and by now you recognize theIP addresses of certain Visitors!!
You can see everyone's faces really,
They're fascinated with watching you spin and spiral downward, headed to Oblivion.
face it Sam.... You're your own TrainWreck-in-Slow-Motion
d:o(
2. Even theDrunks on 3rd Ave don't respect you!!
3. When visiting your favorite Bar / Eatery downtown, you catch an glimpse of an beggar smoking outside and buskingChange
then a few hours later after listening to Live music and you wanna Cashout your tab,
Your Server / BarTender "IS" that Beggar!!
4. You notice an State logo'd DeptOfLabor, whiteVan stalking you for the last week and you can recognize the 3 Office emps that you were familiar with,
when first visiting GambleSt DOL jobBank 3yrs ago they were helpful and happy to see you get Security work but now they're sad, Crying and gnashing their teeth!!,
somehow, you sense ANOTHER Intervention / Kidnapping episode thrust upon you.
5. Upon waking up bright and early one weekday morning,
You hear theCleaningLady enter theMain Apt and then, you hear theUsual sounds of theVacuam and then you hear her cleaning theBathroom etc, etc,
Then a large White manilla envelop gets stuffed under your BedroomAPT door, Upon looking at thePacket, you see theLOGO of an TEMP agency.
An hour later you ask yourLandlady why she put theApplications envelop under your door and she has no idea what you're talking about, Because TODAY wasn't her Apt cleaning day and SHE never stepped foot into your APT!!
6. You catch theBus!! one day and theDriver IS your regular BarTender / Chef & Security at ANOTHER faveHangout of yours,
However, she avoids eyeContact with you and when you ask her about traffic,
she attempts to sound like an Asian woman, which is hard for her to do,
being that she's 24yrs old, stands 5'9", has blondeHair / Blue eyes and she's an Anchorage born & raised native!!
7. When you answer theApt door one Saturday morning theJayDubb!! (giving door to door religion pamphlets) IS your 3rd favorite Chef'sHelper / Bartender / ServerGirl!! / GenMgr at your 4th fave Hangout in theCity!!
8. When you're enjoying an recent Sunny afternoon in a downtown Park,
two nativeHomeless approach and coax & cajoles you out of half your Deli FriedRice w/ChickenSesami meal by literally stealing your food and running away!!
As they get away from thePark, you notice their disguises start to come off and see that it was really 2 localBarTenders that took your food!!
-----
d:oP
I'm theSam!!
and after visiting theHoliday convenience store just down the street, after midnight, You'll never in a million years guess whom I saw behind theCash register!!
She had blonde hair, blue eyes, Was kinda Fattie and Hot!! and can pour, Mix and Shake my drinks once a week, But after she bent down behind theCounter out of sight
Upped popped a Brotha' 5'tall with close shaven hair and There was NO ONE else in the store!!
d:oP
Comments