Extreme Alaskan Redneck
You're Extreme!!
I stole this one from..... from whom ever!!
lovs,
theSam!!
-------------
You're An EXTREME Alaskan Sledneck When....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter throttle up blue smoke rings by the dinner table in front of her kids!!
you also let her wear her old engine Piston rings as dogCollars or HoopEarRings!!
at least people know her work is legit, even that SLAYER guitarist guy wears "her" studs on his left arm!! d:oP
2. The Blue Book value of your RMK goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it!!
true true,
and as far as a LoveLife!!, your RMK shocks have seen more ups and downs than your marriageBed after 21 yrs
3. You've been in 3 major HighSpeed accidents three times and still have the same cowling, frame, engine and spare parts!!
you've also left 3 major body parts somewhere out in theWoods too. But not to worry.
This is Alaska and you're all family!!
You've all shared EVERYTHING with each other over the years after each of you crashed burned, flew apart, got sliced in half, etc. while enjoying your SnowMachines on the trail.
your teen son's got gramma's ears AND her hearing!!
your tween daughter shared stem cells with you and now you wonder why you actually "LIKE" hannahMontana instead of wanting to jump her!!
you gave your left Kidney to your teen daughter, now she's THE alcoholic in the family,
but not to worry,
now YOU'VE got BreastCancer!!
* a child bumps your arm at theDinner table and you react loudly*
"damnit son, you know I can't see with that eye!!,
now spoon me up some gravy, you know this Arm is false!!
Extra gravy damnit, my teeth are gone!!,
oh.. and easy on thePuddin',
my rectums gone remember!?"
4. You think a woman who is out of your "EngineClass" cuts Trail or Highmarks up on theRidge on a different night.
also,
you think being run over or "tracked" by StudSpikes is just forePlay!!
and speaking of which,
even your friends get uncomfortable around you as you get visibly excited and start sportin' wood and "leaking" your pants whenever a Cowling is Lifted up or a Seat is "removed"
5. You wonder how service stations out in theWoods keep their rest-rooms so clean,
as you stand & whizz or squat & pinch by trailSide
"damnit, no toilet paper again!!" you swear.
Then you patiently turn and wait for the next group of Speeders to zoom by flinging up snow to "trailWipe" you!!
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
after which, you immediately uploaded theFootage to youTube!! grin-toothless
and..
this Happened in snowLess, 70deg F summer weather on bare ground!!
and as usually happens in alaska,
these engine explosion mishaps that happen in theWoods resulted in thousands and thousands of charred burnt acres of Woodland and thousands and thousands of dollars in revenue for a few thousand local firefighters for the rest of the summer
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader,
but then again,
someone might have said "dumb Perry's son!!" when referring to someone taking out a treeLine at last weeks hillside rally
(after years and years of exposure to screaming engines your hearings gone bad)
and in fact, they DID this after downing a Litre of dom Perignon!!
Personally, You think that the storage compartment in front of the HandleBars is the best place for the bottle of OJ & vodka mix and you instead,
carry the Python .45 under your arm,
you know.
for theWolves!!
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by your Polaris' exhaust blast!!
but was fixed by "100mph and 6 miles of trail!!,
and you had the nerve to jokingly charge her for theStylist fees,
then you enjoyed that nice 6 mile walk home in -10deg F weather and a light snowfall!!
9. Your last Polaris dealer offered free day care!! (you say LAST because it was mysteriously burned to the ground by a competitor)
and your new local Polaris Dealership offers Care too as well as PetGrooming for your pet SledDog (every alaskan owns a dog of sorts!!)
their Kitchen puts out theBest burgers around!! and even their mechanics take a look at your pickup truck while you test ride this seasons newest Sleds
10. You think the last words of theTesoro IronDog Snowmachine Race is; "Mmpphpphtt hmmppthph mmpht!!"
you're not really sure though, cos of the 200 or so shrieking engines around you at starting line,
And it's not like you wear a helmet anyway, those things restrict your vision AND you can't hear a damn thing around you,
11. Your such a great engine mechanic on theTrail, that you can break down your machine's engine and rebuild it so tightly fitting and then prime it with fuel
and light a match against theCarbs air intake and your Trail buddy's machine (behind you) explodes right off its tracks.
12. The Skull dudgery motif pinstriping on your daughters Machine cowling has more teeth than your spouse.
and theCrimsonRose blushed flames on your wife's TrampStamp has more blood in it than your wife & daughters monthly periods combined,
the "IQ Shift" logo on your son's worthless ArcticCat should read,
"I can't shift!!"
...just pitiful really. Cos that one 2000 model of his, the Mountain Flier!! should have been "Mount, and Die!!"
cos it never got out of the yard on its own unless it was on your trailer headin' back to shop!!
and their stupid 2002 Renegade model DID just exactly that!!
they Renege on their promises of performance!! sheeesh.....
and their "Mountain Sled" is pathetic, more like Mount Is Dead!!
but the RMK logo on your machine pretty much describes life in high school with your girl friends,
"Rim Me, k?!"
and sadly, theWideTrak!! Touring machines of your wife & daughter pretty much describes them Physically as well as what they both do around town when you're gone, they're WIDE and everyone has a Touring go around on them!!
uhm...
TMI!! (too much info)
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge,
and you hop from your bed onto your Polaris and fire it up, then spin around 3 times and fastTrak down theHallway of your Trailer!!
and oddly enough, You don't wake up anyone else in your trailerCourt!!
but you do make theVPSO sit up suddenly in his bed!!
14. One of your kids was born on your Polaris RMK,
to which you still regret that night of your kids conception when,
You got tired of "Rimming" your girlfriend and decided to highmark up a bit,
?!
or was she ON her tummy that night........
wait... You can Massage 'em to sleep, You always put your women on their sides!!
15. You need one more hole punched in your Discount card to get a freebieJacket or snowSuit pants at the House of Polaris!!
last weeks $200 purchase got your name entered into a raffle for a case of oil and last months $2000 in purchases got you a BOGO dinner purchase at a local burgerHouse
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart while double jumping and performing a "DoubleIronCross-FlyingDutchman Immelman barrelRoll", mainly because there's a law of Physics against it,
besides, thePreacherMan that CAN go up with you drives a rinky dink LongTrak with a monoSki in front, and you know that in mid flight,
his wind resistance would be less and he'd spin faster than your newBride even though her ParkaPantsSuit with Wedding Veil would put her in theLead with velocity x speed,
but her weight (that darn 4 month pregnancy!!)
she'd parallel first and then, maybe you and then thePriest,
naw....
better stick with the DoubleLooped In theAir-SledExchange while exchanging rings then Vows!! and let thePriest go Inverted over you both,
besides, he's a skinny old fart, who cares if he longTrak won't make theLanding!!
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk,
but it means to put another gallon of gas in the 2005 brokeDown Polaris RidgeTour and lock open theThrottle so theBelt can agitate theMechanical Wash machine for another 20 minutes,
18. Your oldest daughter recycled theSpikedTrakBelt off her 2006 model by making fashion belts, Collars and wrist bands for her barDancer!! friends at work,
erhh..
did we mention theMetalHead gearPron that is worn live in concert by some leading Metal acts!?
tongue-out
19. After a car accident that left your wife in a coma, you were on scene when EMT workers were removing her clothing
and as they started to cut OFF her weddingRing you kept insisting on soaking her hands in diesel fuel or at least pb blaster then prying it off with a screwDriver!!
after hearing about that episode she slapped you upside the head and demanded to know why you didn't use her spare canister of pb blaster, which she had in her purse at the time of the accident, cos she uses it for HairSpray!!
she was also pissed off that you let the EMT's ruin her Wedding Dress!!
20. You were so inspired after being Impaled by a fence post after LastWipeOut,
that theJaggedScar on your left butt cheek is now an UpperArm Tattoo on You, theWife, your 2nd oldest daughter and your 8th grade daughters 4th youngest child too!!
theTattooArtists refuse to Ink the 3 month old, at least not until he's 8months.
21. You know from experience, that sometimes you Own theRide and sometimes theRide Owns You!!
Sad
22. Your new perspective on Life doesn't come from alcohol or drugs, but from doing headstands off an 30' tall outcropping at 85mph on a 50deg snow & Ice covered slope!!
23. theCompetitors models have appropriate names like "ranger",
cos whenever you're out riding and you see an ArctiCat sitting idle, you "range" it and shoot!! (repeatedly)
but I've already bitched about competitors names above already
and you love the new Polaris Dragons in season, cos even with one drop of Oil and a whiff of fuel, they drag on another Hunnert mile!!
Thumbs Up
24. Your 2nd job is "mannequin" at Industry Tradeshows,
your Polaris handlers carry you in, dress up UP in logo gear and prop you on a Machine where you sit or stand all day!!
kids love it!! and for $20 people get to position you and get their picture taken!!
25. You and your Wife have gone through 8 marriage counselors in 3 yrs,
all because none of them quacks understand that when you first see a problem with your wife, you want to first identify if her problem is Fuel or Ignition,
If she keeps stopping by Taco bell or Wendy's you know her problem isn't "Fuel".
So then you see when's the last time you two made love,
If it's been a few days then "Ignition" is her problem, so then you might want to check her spark plugs and then clean them,
but those damn therapists just don't understand!!
and lest we forget this Wifely description,
You're honey, at first, is a One Stroker!! cos she's that HOT
Then after a few years (and a few kids) she becomes a Two Stroker plus she expands Out to a WideTrak
Later on she slows down and becomes a safe, Soft!! dependable Touring model,
but lookout, she's still sports those Studded Belt cleats that Bite!! Uh Oh
and if you piss her off one too many times,
You'll have NO access to under her Cowlings or inside theSeatCompartment (not even to warm your hands on her two spongeGripped handWarmers!!)
26. You know when MotherInLaw / MIL!! is mad at you when you can see her menacing CatLike, Beastly glare eyes coming at you postHaste!! in the Alaskan darkness from a mile away,
and that's just her everyday "without any makeUp" look!!
and speaking of Women!!
27. Just like theSeasons, just like MOODS, just like Weight, breastSize, Thigh expandage, girthGripes!! (and Grips) your wife, your MIL!!, even your tweens & teens daughters ALL change around.
One can be a dragon!!,
One can be a WideBodied, Glaring GlassEyed sported Up Cowling enhanced!! (boobJob!!) performance Pro!!
One can be a safe soft Slow Tour Model with half theNeighborhood guys upon her back end!!
and I'm not even finished describing theWife here!!
describing what MIL and my girls have been is even more scary
and just thinking about what my Sons have been with their ArctiKat (pussyModels),
their Skid(marks!!)DooDoo!!
etc
makes me wanna highmark theMeltingRidges in Late spring!!
I tell ya',
bein' a Polaris Owner Extreme Alaskan SledNeck dad is Tough!!
d:oP
-----------------
-theSam!!
STILL NOT wanted in 300+ Villages and 48, 49...50 States!
-HeavyMental guitar!!
YZARCM
HHGAAA
EMPOTS
-Hey BartenderSam!!, Another shot please!!
*BANG*
-Hey BartenderSam!!, Draw 3 glasses of beer!!
.....hey, Put down that Sketchpad!
I stole this one from..... from whom ever!!
lovs,
theSam!!
-------------
You're An EXTREME Alaskan Sledneck When....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter throttle up blue smoke rings by the dinner table in front of her kids!!
you also let her wear her old engine Piston rings as dogCollars or HoopEarRings!!
at least people know her work is legit, even that SLAYER guitarist guy wears "her" studs on his left arm!! d:oP
2. The Blue Book value of your RMK goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it!!
true true,
and as far as a LoveLife!!, your RMK shocks have seen more ups and downs than your marriageBed after 21 yrs
3. You've been in 3 major HighSpeed accidents three times and still have the same cowling, frame, engine and spare parts!!
you've also left 3 major body parts somewhere out in theWoods too. But not to worry.
This is Alaska and you're all family!!
You've all shared EVERYTHING with each other over the years after each of you crashed burned, flew apart, got sliced in half, etc. while enjoying your SnowMachines on the trail.
your teen son's got gramma's ears AND her hearing!!
your tween daughter shared stem cells with you and now you wonder why you actually "LIKE" hannahMontana instead of wanting to jump her!!
you gave your left Kidney to your teen daughter, now she's THE alcoholic in the family,
but not to worry,
now YOU'VE got BreastCancer!!
* a child bumps your arm at theDinner table and you react loudly*
"damnit son, you know I can't see with that eye!!,
now spoon me up some gravy, you know this Arm is false!!
Extra gravy damnit, my teeth are gone!!,
oh.. and easy on thePuddin',
my rectums gone remember!?"
4. You think a woman who is out of your "EngineClass" cuts Trail or Highmarks up on theRidge on a different night.
also,
you think being run over or "tracked" by StudSpikes is just forePlay!!
and speaking of which,
even your friends get uncomfortable around you as you get visibly excited and start sportin' wood and "leaking" your pants whenever a Cowling is Lifted up or a Seat is "removed"
5. You wonder how service stations out in theWoods keep their rest-rooms so clean,
as you stand & whizz or squat & pinch by trailSide
"damnit, no toilet paper again!!" you swear.
Then you patiently turn and wait for the next group of Speeders to zoom by flinging up snow to "trailWipe" you!!
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
after which, you immediately uploaded theFootage to youTube!! grin-toothless
and..
this Happened in snowLess, 70deg F summer weather on bare ground!!
and as usually happens in alaska,
these engine explosion mishaps that happen in theWoods resulted in thousands and thousands of charred burnt acres of Woodland and thousands and thousands of dollars in revenue for a few thousand local firefighters for the rest of the summer
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader,
but then again,
someone might have said "dumb Perry's son!!" when referring to someone taking out a treeLine at last weeks hillside rally
(after years and years of exposure to screaming engines your hearings gone bad)
and in fact, they DID this after downing a Litre of dom Perignon!!
Personally, You think that the storage compartment in front of the HandleBars is the best place for the bottle of OJ & vodka mix and you instead,
carry the Python .45 under your arm,
you know.
for theWolves!!
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by your Polaris' exhaust blast!!
but was fixed by "100mph and 6 miles of trail!!,
and you had the nerve to jokingly charge her for theStylist fees,
then you enjoyed that nice 6 mile walk home in -10deg F weather and a light snowfall!!
9. Your last Polaris dealer offered free day care!! (you say LAST because it was mysteriously burned to the ground by a competitor)
and your new local Polaris Dealership offers Care too as well as PetGrooming for your pet SledDog (every alaskan owns a dog of sorts!!)
their Kitchen puts out theBest burgers around!! and even their mechanics take a look at your pickup truck while you test ride this seasons newest Sleds
10. You think the last words of theTesoro IronDog Snowmachine Race is; "Mmpphpphtt hmmppthph mmpht!!"
you're not really sure though, cos of the 200 or so shrieking engines around you at starting line,
And it's not like you wear a helmet anyway, those things restrict your vision AND you can't hear a damn thing around you,
11. Your such a great engine mechanic on theTrail, that you can break down your machine's engine and rebuild it so tightly fitting and then prime it with fuel
and light a match against theCarbs air intake and your Trail buddy's machine (behind you) explodes right off its tracks.
12. The Skull dudgery motif pinstriping on your daughters Machine cowling has more teeth than your spouse.
and theCrimsonRose blushed flames on your wife's TrampStamp has more blood in it than your wife & daughters monthly periods combined,
the "IQ Shift" logo on your son's worthless ArcticCat should read,
"I can't shift!!"
...just pitiful really. Cos that one 2000 model of his, the Mountain Flier!! should have been "Mount, and Die!!"
cos it never got out of the yard on its own unless it was on your trailer headin' back to shop!!
and their stupid 2002 Renegade model DID just exactly that!!
they Renege on their promises of performance!! sheeesh.....
and their "Mountain Sled" is pathetic, more like Mount Is Dead!!
but the RMK logo on your machine pretty much describes life in high school with your girl friends,
"Rim Me, k?!"
and sadly, theWideTrak!! Touring machines of your wife & daughter pretty much describes them Physically as well as what they both do around town when you're gone, they're WIDE and everyone has a Touring go around on them!!
uhm...
TMI!! (too much info)
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge,
and you hop from your bed onto your Polaris and fire it up, then spin around 3 times and fastTrak down theHallway of your Trailer!!
and oddly enough, You don't wake up anyone else in your trailerCourt!!
but you do make theVPSO sit up suddenly in his bed!!
14. One of your kids was born on your Polaris RMK,
to which you still regret that night of your kids conception when,
You got tired of "Rimming" your girlfriend and decided to highmark up a bit,
?!
or was she ON her tummy that night........
wait... You can Massage 'em to sleep, You always put your women on their sides!!
15. You need one more hole punched in your Discount card to get a freebieJacket or snowSuit pants at the House of Polaris!!
last weeks $200 purchase got your name entered into a raffle for a case of oil and last months $2000 in purchases got you a BOGO dinner purchase at a local burgerHouse
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart while double jumping and performing a "DoubleIronCross-FlyingDutchman Immelman barrelRoll", mainly because there's a law of Physics against it,
besides, thePreacherMan that CAN go up with you drives a rinky dink LongTrak with a monoSki in front, and you know that in mid flight,
his wind resistance would be less and he'd spin faster than your newBride even though her ParkaPantsSuit with Wedding Veil would put her in theLead with velocity x speed,
but her weight (that darn 4 month pregnancy!!)
she'd parallel first and then, maybe you and then thePriest,
naw....
better stick with the DoubleLooped In theAir-SledExchange while exchanging rings then Vows!! and let thePriest go Inverted over you both,
besides, he's a skinny old fart, who cares if he longTrak won't make theLanding!!
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk,
but it means to put another gallon of gas in the 2005 brokeDown Polaris RidgeTour and lock open theThrottle so theBelt can agitate theMechanical Wash machine for another 20 minutes,
18. Your oldest daughter recycled theSpikedTrakBelt off her 2006 model by making fashion belts, Collars and wrist bands for her barDancer!! friends at work,
erhh..
did we mention theMetalHead gearPron that is worn live in concert by some leading Metal acts!?
tongue-out
19. After a car accident that left your wife in a coma, you were on scene when EMT workers were removing her clothing
and as they started to cut OFF her weddingRing you kept insisting on soaking her hands in diesel fuel or at least pb blaster then prying it off with a screwDriver!!
after hearing about that episode she slapped you upside the head and demanded to know why you didn't use her spare canister of pb blaster, which she had in her purse at the time of the accident, cos she uses it for HairSpray!!
she was also pissed off that you let the EMT's ruin her Wedding Dress!!
20. You were so inspired after being Impaled by a fence post after LastWipeOut,
that theJaggedScar on your left butt cheek is now an UpperArm Tattoo on You, theWife, your 2nd oldest daughter and your 8th grade daughters 4th youngest child too!!
theTattooArtists refuse to Ink the 3 month old, at least not until he's 8months.
21. You know from experience, that sometimes you Own theRide and sometimes theRide Owns You!!
Sad
22. Your new perspective on Life doesn't come from alcohol or drugs, but from doing headstands off an 30' tall outcropping at 85mph on a 50deg snow & Ice covered slope!!
23. theCompetitors models have appropriate names like "ranger",
cos whenever you're out riding and you see an ArctiCat sitting idle, you "range" it and shoot!! (repeatedly)
but I've already bitched about competitors names above already
and you love the new Polaris Dragons in season, cos even with one drop of Oil and a whiff of fuel, they drag on another Hunnert mile!!
Thumbs Up
24. Your 2nd job is "mannequin" at Industry Tradeshows,
your Polaris handlers carry you in, dress up UP in logo gear and prop you on a Machine where you sit or stand all day!!
kids love it!! and for $20 people get to position you and get their picture taken!!
25. You and your Wife have gone through 8 marriage counselors in 3 yrs,
all because none of them quacks understand that when you first see a problem with your wife, you want to first identify if her problem is Fuel or Ignition,
If she keeps stopping by Taco bell or Wendy's you know her problem isn't "Fuel".
So then you see when's the last time you two made love,
If it's been a few days then "Ignition" is her problem, so then you might want to check her spark plugs and then clean them,
but those damn therapists just don't understand!!
and lest we forget this Wifely description,
You're honey, at first, is a One Stroker!! cos she's that HOT
Then after a few years (and a few kids) she becomes a Two Stroker plus she expands Out to a WideTrak
Later on she slows down and becomes a safe, Soft!! dependable Touring model,
but lookout, she's still sports those Studded Belt cleats that Bite!! Uh Oh
and if you piss her off one too many times,
You'll have NO access to under her Cowlings or inside theSeatCompartment (not even to warm your hands on her two spongeGripped handWarmers!!)
26. You know when MotherInLaw / MIL!! is mad at you when you can see her menacing CatLike, Beastly glare eyes coming at you postHaste!! in the Alaskan darkness from a mile away,
and that's just her everyday "without any makeUp" look!!
and speaking of Women!!
27. Just like theSeasons, just like MOODS, just like Weight, breastSize, Thigh expandage, girthGripes!! (and Grips) your wife, your MIL!!, even your tweens & teens daughters ALL change around.
One can be a dragon!!,
One can be a WideBodied, Glaring GlassEyed sported Up Cowling enhanced!! (boobJob!!) performance Pro!!
One can be a safe soft Slow Tour Model with half theNeighborhood guys upon her back end!!
and I'm not even finished describing theWife here!!
describing what MIL and my girls have been is even more scary
and just thinking about what my Sons have been with their ArctiKat (pussyModels),
their Skid(marks!!)DooDoo!!
etc
makes me wanna highmark theMeltingRidges in Late spring!!
I tell ya',
bein' a Polaris Owner Extreme Alaskan SledNeck dad is Tough!!
d:oP
-----------------
-theSam!!
STILL NOT wanted in 300+ Villages and 48, 49...50 States!
-HeavyMental guitar!!
YZARCM
HHGAAA
EMPOTS
-Hey BartenderSam!!, Another shot please!!
*BANG*
-Hey BartenderSam!!, Draw 3 glasses of beer!!
.....hey, Put down that Sketchpad!
Comments