Stalking theAlaskanPrincess!!
How To Tell If You’re Still Being Stalked By theAlaskan Princess
Here’s some words from theSam!! whom used to work for thePrincess and unfortunately is still being stalked by herHighness.
1. You still think Positively and still surround yourself by others who think the same!
$10 left in theBank account and you’re weak from hunger but theSmackDown Girls are in town?? Where do I buy tickets? Can I get a ride to theClub?! Dudes, I know a way to get in theBack door and crawl through the false ceilings to get into their dressing rooms.
2. You avoid the trap of demanding too much of yourself and instead always demand Too Much for Yourself.
Besides, nothing was too good or ever enough for thePrincess clients. Why shouldn’t her ex-employees benefit too? Order the 5000Channel Satellite tv package, Get Biggie sizes for Pop, Fries and the 4 for a dollar apple pies at McDees, and insist that your friends always address you as theGuardMeister when they speak of you.
3. You always get help if works tasks are too big for you.
Enlist the Jr security officers to kneel down behind theBoss or theHot (but Big) Secretary as theOther Jr Officer helps you push!
4. At theStart of each day, you always write down your list of things to do, then set reasonable priorities.
Throw rocks at theBoss’ car windows, his car tires rate 2 bullets each.
Smack theHot Admin Gal on theButt every time you see her, and see if you can boost her “Hot-or-HOT!!” website ratings by posting pics of her at theWater Cooler
Return to theSecurity parking lot 10mins after everyone leaves for their Patrol routes and Draw smiley faces on everyone’s car windows. Guards that finish their last nights route faster than you get air let out of tires and slower guards get leftover pop & foods tossed on their hoods.
5. Divide big tasks into smaller, more manageable ones.
Lose the friends, lose the pesky boyfriend, lose the cell phone, lose theClothes and hey.... Sweetheart.
Are you ready for me to do your hair and massage? What a coincidence that we’re in my Apt without your stuff!
6. Eat a well balanced diet, full of whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Limit sugar.
Hey sugar, you can’t eat all that. Let me get most of that Pasta, the fruit salad and the Broccoli & Cheese, Ok?
7. Get plenty of sleep each night.
*laughs* Yeah right. But seriously, define “Night” to an Officer that works from 4pm to 8a.m. please.
8. Include moderate exercise into each day to boost your energy level and improve your mood.
Finding the next Transients trespassing upon Client property, you commence to working your Delts, Lats and Biceps with vigorous shakes and punches. Next stop, working your waist, hips, thighs and Jackboots as you Kick away more trespassers!
9. Make time for relaxation. Try listening to soothing music, meditating, gardening, playing with a pet, reading a good book, or doing whatever helps you relax.
theLast time I lent an Ennya tape to a Guard buddy he fell asleep at theWheel in rush hour traffic and caused a 10car pile up on Old Seward. He still blames me for his pins in his knees and ankles.
theLast time I was caught meditating was in the bathroom of one of theClients upscale office buildings. Darn janitor was upset that I drooled so much while slumped against theWall sleeping.
As for gardening, believe me, you’d dig a hole and hop in if you were patrolling around a building and saw a Mama moose with two calfs! There’s nothing relaxing at all about being seconds away from a good stomping.
And if chasing a Dr’s Chihauhau around theMedical building classifies as “Playing” then I liked that one.
As for good reading, Barnsen Noble books won’t ever let me in the building unless I’m in Civilian clothes.
10. Avoid tobacco, alcohol and drugs. They only make matters worse.
How did you know theNick names of my 3 favorite high school girls? And no, it isn’t them that makes matters worse, it’s those darn parents, theSchool Principal and theSchool Board grilling with MY bosses in attendance and those darn news camera crews that make matters worse.
11. Use mistakes and setbacks as opportunities to learn.
I wouldn’t call the two newest, Greenest guards such names, but yes, I intentionally mislead them and then learn from their situations. They’re so damn funny.
12. If possible, say “NO” to tasks that you know will be stressful for you.
Just call in sick for theNext 18hr day.
13. Confide in at least one friend, and share your disappointments, as well as achievements with him/her. Talk things out so that minor frustrations don’t build up.
Just remember that after you burn up funds from one company credit card, get someone else’ card to make the next 1-800 number Hot Talk phone call.
Or else just call up any one of theHot Admin Chixxx and breathe heavily into thePhone, but remember to activate Caller ID Block first!!
14. Be ready to admit when you are wrong
..............................................................
15. Laugh! Look for the humor in life and take time to have fun.
Just remember that a Pie-in-the-Face of theHot Payroll girl ISN’T funny. Last time you did that you didn’t eat or pay your bills for two months
But sending theBoss’ Cadillac to thePaint shop and delivering it to him personally and seeing theLook on his face, now THAT is funny. You had theCompany Picnic photos, the cofidential company clients listings and the Pregnancy test results of his Mistress all airbrushed onto theCar. and you had all theGuard photos embedded into the New windshield so he’d never forget the40 reasons to get up in the Morning.
16. Enuf!!!
THE ALASKAN PRINCESS
More Stalkings from theLady in White (apron!!)
1. You get email updates of Real-time photos of you taken where ever you are at that moment in time!!
2. The last time you went to pay your monthly rent to your Jamaican Landlady, you noticed that she had dropped 150lbs and talked with a New Jersey accent, and that her brown eyes were blue.
3. Now and then, in your Apt, you can hear someone S-L-O-W-L-Y crawling around above you in the attic crawlspace.
4. In your rear-view duty truck mirror you see that you are followed by a small White Van being driven by a Huge, pretty Chicano girl, a hot Spanish chica is the front passenger and a young Philipino boy is taking cell phone cam pics of you while another girl is sleeping in the back of theVan!!
5. People still knock on your Apt door and ask to borrow your camera or CD player.
6. You get text messages on your Multi-media Cell phone reminding you that you need to keep checking your Apt’s refrigerator temps every 2 hours!
7. Now and then in public, a cute young girl will grab your arm and ask you:
“Does this blouse make me look fat?”,
“Does this color clash with theDecor?”,
“Why can’t you Love me!!??”
8. When you go to theAthletic Club and check in, theFront Desk girl clumsily tries to cover up theCRUISE pin on her lapel.
9. When you open up your Athletic Club locker, you notice the faint smell of Floor cleaner, Citrus air freshener and....*sniff-sniff* Tater tots??
10. When you get your monthly review statements from theState Food Stamp division you see that the form letter has a “Sea-Witch” watermark logo and the envelope has a Seattle address.
11. When driving around on Patrol one night and you had to ask some Pot-smoking Inebriates to leave Mall property, One man’s Joint was pointed at you and taking pictures, and later on you thought that those young men & women looked familiar, as if you’d worked with them at one time.
12. When you are typing on the Computer and occasionally watching theTV, you notice out of the corner of your eye, that the TV show characters watch you and take notes!!
13. As you walked through Downtown Anchorage one night you thought you saw a young pretty blonde woman getting a tattoo on her lower back and you then realize that she was...............!!
14. As you check certain downtown parking Garages while on Security patrol you notice that a small White Van is parked at every one of your stops.
15. As you stand Watch at a certain Liquor store in a rough Anchorage neighborhood you notice a group of white kids, mostly girls, that loiter around the end of the store. Later on you see that they’ve built a small campfire out back in the Woods and are drinking and shouting loudly and the Police are Calling YOU telling you to make those girls quiet down!!
16. All theHardware stores where you and your Guard buddy pick up Payroll $, and deliver cash to complain that someone’s stealing all their hammers and other hand instruments.
17. You freaked out during first Snowfall when you stopped to tie your boot laces and saw that your boottracks all had the Circled “SeaWitch” logo and that as far as you could see, you had been leaving SeaWitch tracks.
18. One night as you went to catch theLast bus home, you saw a blue haired Inebriate woman turn her head to Her Right, toss her hair and laugh. You walked two hours that night but made it back to your Apt.
19. One early morning while atop a Downtown High rise in Anchorage, You were admiring the PreDawn scenery and noticed an Mirage in theDistance. It resembled a large Red 3 story Lodge with immense bay windows and people playing shuffle board out front. Then it seemed that hundreds of People poured out from the Doors of this Lodge and everyone waved enthusiastically at you until you put your binoculars down.
20. Everytime that you go to practice on thePiano keyboard, the darn power cord is gone or else the darn machine is stuck on any setting but Piano. And when you went to play your beat-up, cheapo guitar you bought at thePawnShop, you found that it had been replaced by a Stratocaster with hand machined tune knobs and buttery smooth neck action.
The front and back of theGuitar had personally been signed by the Hot girl bands: LaCuna Coil, ArchAngel and Kittie!!
And Look!! someone had hacked your computer just to access your private music tablature and had printed up all your music!! It’s as if someone, besides your Apt roomies and theJamaican Landlady, didn’t want you to keep playing piano anymore!!
21. When you went to Wendy’s Drive Thru with theDuty truck. Your Double Whopper and fries order had been replaced by Pan-seared Lamb chops with garlic cloves and buttered parsnips, the Hollandais sauce was tart and theHot Apple crisp was still steaming and theIce cream was smooth and rich.
22. You had to switch from DDS back to paper checks as your bank statements Reminder Notes from AK Hostels & Properties kept getting more sappy and the occasional death threat from thePrincess was just too annoying.
23. You opened theNewsPapers last month and read of theMemorial for Golly B. Ladder whom died inside you last October and had to be removed. And to further invade your privacy was a photo snap shot of theChild Golly playing with a piece of hard candy!!
24. When you attended a local TAM’s, Techniques in Alcohol Management Server class this last summer just for the heck of it. All thePamphlets handed out by CHARR (the sponsoring organization) had 3x5 photos of 10 of thePrincess’ most heavy underage drinkers including theOne who rolled her SUV and the Girl that got mauled by a Brown bear!! Even all 6 Alaskan Princess’ photos were included.
25. Every Liquor store that you walk by has Posters and signs of all theAK Princess employees as visual cues that indicate what Under 21 Drinkers! look like And the New 2007 CHARR & State of AK Alcohol Controlled Board reminder Logos now indicate that if You are younger than an AK PrincessLodge Employee you cannot buy Alcohol.
26. You keep getting E-mail spam inviting you to a MYSpace site and after months of deleting those things. You accept an invitation and finally find out Who stole your Pickup truck for a few hours while you slept one day, when you once worked for thePrincess.
You look at a list of pics on theInternet and see a Group of theGirls!! wearing your Police gear that you kept stashed in your truck. The girls are all nude and they each have a piece of gear. Someone’s got your Vest on and not much else, another girl is holding theShotgun and another girl has your cuffs and leg irons on etc. Silly girls.
theAlaskan Princess!!
after Dinner, tie one on!!! and then tie up a few female Employees
theAlaskan Princess!!
Alaskan Glacial tours, putting your Relatives on Ice!!
theAlaskan Princess!!
a Full-service Tourist fleecing company, Come work for us!!
no experience necessary,
theAlaskan Princess!!
want Adventure?? It’s right in our backyard where our employees drink!!
theAlaskan Princess!!
size does Matter, our hot female employees are bigger than yours
to Serve our Clients better.
theAlaskan Princess!!
Employee Profiles
Deb L. 18, BarTender, theDenaliAlaskan Princess
tAP: So Deb, how long have you been a bartender?
DL: About 10 & 1/2 yrs now, I’m from Chicago, but I’ve been here since I first started as a bartender.
tAP: How did you get started??
DL: About 10yrs ago when I first came to Alaska with my parents. We stayed at one of theAlaskanPrincess Lodges down south and late one night when my parents were drinking,
Dad asked me to shake him a Martini from behind theBar and I stepped behind thePullTabs and never looked back since.
I mean. I had no choice really, my parents drank up a massive bar tab and had to sign me over to thePrincess Lodges and they basically kept me behind the scenes and kept me busy.
It’s been a great time and it doesn’t feel like work!! Except for that time thePrincess made me dress up and participate in that 3 yr marketing blitz.
I was one of theVillage Children. The company casting directors said that I was perfect for the part because my complexion was so white and I knew so much about Mixology at such a tender young age.
Most Village kids know about Alcohol by age 2 so all the other Village kids razzed me and never let me forget my place!!
tAP: Do you get a lot of tourists here??
DL: Of course, I love tourists. I’ve made really great friends with most of them and I’m sure my photos and videos are on a lot of websites now a days.
I’ve still got a rash on my neck from those Asians but I’m fine now. I know... I was young and stupid to let those guys......But I’m not 10 anymore, or 15. or.....17.
tAP: What’s your favorite part about working here?
DL: TheDenali Princess, which of course Is YOU!!!, often needs to get away and she often needs Body Doubles to stand in for her at theLodge.
I’ve been “Her” a few times now. I get to hang out with her and a few other Girls that most resemble thePrincess. We shadow her and learn her mannerisms, did you know that she can hide a two liter bottle of alcohol up her......
tAP: *ahem..!! cough, coughs*
DL: Last year when I was “Her” for a week here at theLodge I got to double order all theAlcohol I wanted from our Vendors, it was so cool. I don’t remember the last part of that weekend though because I was so hammered.
And I think that I authorized some 2006 and 2007 Lodge expansion modules and let a few more Client Vendors into theGroup, now thanks to me our visiting HoneyMooner Guests can consumate their Marriage while Nude bungee Jumping over theSouth Volcanic Crater Summit of Denali.
And Sr’s and Military card holders can nude body surf down theMountain while doing Ironist pressing on our excess Linens and uniforms. The laundry loves the extra help once they get past theSkidmarks.
tAP: So Deb, how do I know that you are not me and I am not you right now??
DL: huh?
tAP: Since you’ve been my body double, how do our readers know that You are not interviewing Me!!
DL: Oh!!!! I get it. *laughs*, Well. I’m an Innie and You’re more of an Outie while still being a bit Innie and I’m talking about your navel piercings. I can’t stand pain, I had to get totally stoned to get my navel ring and I just keep it there.
And you’ve got those bear scar and car tire inspired “brandings” and tattoos on your flanks. I don’t have them. I mean. It wasn’t my idea at that time to go out in theWoods and smoke pot. It wasn’t Suzie’s fault that she got mauled when she stepped away from our group to pee!
*breaks down crying*
(one hour later after DL stopped crying, and whipping up a round of drinks for theDept heads and Acid for Security)
tAP: What do you think about the new smoking ban?
DL: Smoking and drinking go hand in hand, kind of like our one front desk girl and one HouseKeeper girl when they come to work!! I’ve gotten used to smelling like an Ashtray well over 8 yrs ago and it doesn’t bother me now, except for the recent early morning hacking bouts and spitting up buckets of phlegm.
But after a few Martini’s and some scotch I’m ready to start my work shift and I’m fine after that. It’s only when I’m feeling down I just knock on a certain Employees door and shove a $50 bill under the door and voila!! I get “E!!”
tAP: What kind of sports nights or Theme nights do you have here at theLodge?
DL: We always have early morning Sunday mass and then everyone bellies on up to theBar for the rest of the day. The Phrase, “Mother May I” takes on a weird new meaning for me.
In fact, I got “Saved” last weekend after theHoly rollers had services. But I had to put my foot down on letting them into theBar, they kept disrupting everyone elses dining experiences throwing themselves all around.
Even our one Head Server got into a Rolling act but then we realized that she was actually on fire.
She got saved too, only her body was saved. We still can’t do anything about her Immoral soul,, the catty slut!
What with the new distillation processes in the new Alcohol drinks these days. The poor girl was smoking out back and this after being on a 4 day Bender!! She was expelling alcohol from every pore and with every breath and she flicked her Bic!! and POOF!!
We never would have known she was on fire and burning up if it hadn’t been for her clothes and hair starting to disappear. I guess the new alcohol everyone drinks burns smokeless and you can’t see the flame.
Now it takes 4 Bartenders, One Admin dept head, theSecurity officer and a random guest to authorize theOpening of theWine racks and thePouring of any hard alcohol.
Basically if someone wants to put anything on tv for all to see we’ll put it on. I just have to draw the line with theWeather Channel and C-Span. And if you look over there by theNew 290” tv screen with those funny butter-fly paintings on the wall??
Some Bikers were here last Monday and after every round of drinks they’d strip one of our Waitresses down, paint her butt cheeks and “Butt-Print” the wall.
tAP: How come the Butter Fly prints all look the same size and shape?
DL: I.... I was theOnly BartTender and Waitress on duty last Monday and I had to close the bar early because I developed an immediate case of Hives from the Paint.
tAP: is that mark a Mole??
DL: I thought you knew that already. What with your stringent tongue and hand physicals you personally gave to us when choosing girls to be your Body doubles.
tAP: What’s your favorite shift to work within Food & Beverages here at theLodge?
DL: If I haven’t been raving on Exstacy out in the Woods till 0500hrs I like to open up theBarista stand at 0600hrs.
There’s just something about stumbling over to theLodge bleary eyed and putting on my Makeup between theEmployee entrance and theEmployee bathroom. I think everyone’s got to do that at least once.
The Security Guard keeps on bugging me about wanting to know my makeup secrets!
One month I would exit theEmployee Quarters module where I live in and go Right and I’d stumble along and I showed up for Work early, except that I had only taken a wrong turn and ended up out in the Woods at a Vendor’s secret pot growing site.
I love the smell of scalding milk in theEspresso machines. I like the tinkle of change in theTill and right now it’s great to see if Lori my friend will show up for work today. She’s been tweeking now for 2 weeks and she hasn’t slept one wink. It will be interesting to see how much lunch and dinner she’ll cook today!
tAP: Who’s Lori?
DL: theSous Chef, she’s a great worker and often she IS theFirst Chef. What with theKitchen Staff being chased around theWoods last month by our Security Guard and they all got lost.
So that left Lori with having to Cook for that Visiting delegation from theAK Legislature and she hasn’t put down her Spatula since then....seriously. During theSummer months she swats mosquitos with theSpatula.
Although on occasion when we watch horror movies in theEmployee TV Lounge she scares the crap out of everyone when she waves her butchers knife. But she did impress Security and later on they taught each other combat knife fighting tricks.
*laughs some more*
I mean. during that first time she found herself all alone in theKitchen with Staff and theFood & Beverage Mgr staring at her, waiting on her to speak, and realized that she had to cook theMain meals and inspect all dishes before they went out to guests.
She was in the back room downing glasses of Sherry and Port, drinking 2 glasses per one glass added to theRecipes! I hope her liver holds out.
DL: *glances at watch* In fact, right after 1000hrs today I have to help her and theBell boys chase chickens, wring their necks and pluck them for dinner! As for the Bell boys, they’ll make good stock base and we’ll keep them in theWalk in freezer for next season.
tAP: If you could do one thing different here per season at theLodge, what would you do?
DL: *after much pause*, I dunno. I’ve.. I mean. We’ve pretty much done it all. Not just me.
I’ve led KickBox Areobics in theFitness Center and then had to transition to EMT when I punched out those two Guests by accident.
I then had to dry wall and paint the damage that I caused and was joined by Housekeeping and Landscaping when we changed out that 3000’ feet of bloody carpet. And then I became really good at Litigation when those Guests flew home and then Sued theLodge.
Later on I helped lead theFitness Team as they became impromptu birthing team for Kelli in theSauna whirlpool after she gave birth to her cute baby boy!! Funny how the 2nd Fishing Vendor resigned his post after that and divorced his wife.
That week prior to her birthing, that one morning when she was having false labor I had to stand in for her during Aerobics, and me. After doing a double shift from Laundry and Motor Pool maintenance.
We had to overhaul Van # 72 after the 8 Biggest Employee girls drove their day off to theCity and then tore up the1st and 2nd gears climbing the Mountains coming back to theLodge. Between you and me, I saw Heidi step on that Laundry weight scale and it was 280!!
She weighed more than our Security Guard!!
I’ve Cooked, I’ve cleaned. I’ve been PR and Admin assistant, I’ve even had to do voice promos for Marketing.
I’ve had to grab theYolk when that one Elderly pilot croaked after letting two of his skydivers jump. I’ve even raked in Thousands in 3 days from theAdult Lounge and wore latex body suits for theAlaskan Princess XXX Channel pay-per-View too.
And during that one Terrorist group attempted a takeover of theLodge and nearby resort chalets of our competitors a bunch of us helped the two Security Guards fight back. We made door breech charges from theBreakfast pancake batter, two Cookies and my IUD device. wow those guys are good.
I’ve driven theLodge Limo’s around too and for that week when thePipeline Crews needed extra help repairing that Leek next to theLodge here, 12 of us Barkeeps and Servers did Double Lodge shifts and managed to work an extra 15hrs per day with thePipeline crews.
I’ve stayed up three days deep in theBowels of theDenaliLodge slaving over theServers and reconfiguring theMother board matrix’ with a tweezer, a simple soldering iron and a simple magnifying glass.
All of us Employees have pretty much been shoved into Cross training at one time or another.
Um.. ask me what I Haven’t done for this Lodge and for theAlaskanPrincess chain.
tAP: Ok... What have you NOT done while working here for me?
DL: had a good nights sleep.
theAlaskanPrincess!!
and there ya’ have it!!
DL: Wait, is that camera on?? I thought you were just practicing with me while theGuys set up the stuff.
Oh God.. I called Heidi and theGuard a cow,, and you know about the Kickbacks I get from thePot growers...and and ...
Mom, Dad, can I come home now!!??
Here’s some words from theSam!! whom used to work for thePrincess and unfortunately is still being stalked by herHighness.
1. You still think Positively and still surround yourself by others who think the same!
$10 left in theBank account and you’re weak from hunger but theSmackDown Girls are in town?? Where do I buy tickets? Can I get a ride to theClub?! Dudes, I know a way to get in theBack door and crawl through the false ceilings to get into their dressing rooms.
2. You avoid the trap of demanding too much of yourself and instead always demand Too Much for Yourself.
Besides, nothing was too good or ever enough for thePrincess clients. Why shouldn’t her ex-employees benefit too? Order the 5000Channel Satellite tv package, Get Biggie sizes for Pop, Fries and the 4 for a dollar apple pies at McDees, and insist that your friends always address you as theGuardMeister when they speak of you.
3. You always get help if works tasks are too big for you.
Enlist the Jr security officers to kneel down behind theBoss or theHot (but Big) Secretary as theOther Jr Officer helps you push!
4. At theStart of each day, you always write down your list of things to do, then set reasonable priorities.
Throw rocks at theBoss’ car windows, his car tires rate 2 bullets each.
Smack theHot Admin Gal on theButt every time you see her, and see if you can boost her “Hot-or-HOT!!” website ratings by posting pics of her at theWater Cooler
Return to theSecurity parking lot 10mins after everyone leaves for their Patrol routes and Draw smiley faces on everyone’s car windows. Guards that finish their last nights route faster than you get air let out of tires and slower guards get leftover pop & foods tossed on their hoods.
5. Divide big tasks into smaller, more manageable ones.
Lose the friends, lose the pesky boyfriend, lose the cell phone, lose theClothes and hey.... Sweetheart.
Are you ready for me to do your hair and massage? What a coincidence that we’re in my Apt without your stuff!
6. Eat a well balanced diet, full of whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Limit sugar.
Hey sugar, you can’t eat all that. Let me get most of that Pasta, the fruit salad and the Broccoli & Cheese, Ok?
7. Get plenty of sleep each night.
*laughs* Yeah right. But seriously, define “Night” to an Officer that works from 4pm to 8a.m. please.
8. Include moderate exercise into each day to boost your energy level and improve your mood.
Finding the next Transients trespassing upon Client property, you commence to working your Delts, Lats and Biceps with vigorous shakes and punches. Next stop, working your waist, hips, thighs and Jackboots as you Kick away more trespassers!
9. Make time for relaxation. Try listening to soothing music, meditating, gardening, playing with a pet, reading a good book, or doing whatever helps you relax.
theLast time I lent an Ennya tape to a Guard buddy he fell asleep at theWheel in rush hour traffic and caused a 10car pile up on Old Seward. He still blames me for his pins in his knees and ankles.
theLast time I was caught meditating was in the bathroom of one of theClients upscale office buildings. Darn janitor was upset that I drooled so much while slumped against theWall sleeping.
As for gardening, believe me, you’d dig a hole and hop in if you were patrolling around a building and saw a Mama moose with two calfs! There’s nothing relaxing at all about being seconds away from a good stomping.
And if chasing a Dr’s Chihauhau around theMedical building classifies as “Playing” then I liked that one.
As for good reading, Barnsen Noble books won’t ever let me in the building unless I’m in Civilian clothes.
10. Avoid tobacco, alcohol and drugs. They only make matters worse.
How did you know theNick names of my 3 favorite high school girls? And no, it isn’t them that makes matters worse, it’s those darn parents, theSchool Principal and theSchool Board grilling with MY bosses in attendance and those darn news camera crews that make matters worse.
11. Use mistakes and setbacks as opportunities to learn.
I wouldn’t call the two newest, Greenest guards such names, but yes, I intentionally mislead them and then learn from their situations. They’re so damn funny.
12. If possible, say “NO” to tasks that you know will be stressful for you.
Just call in sick for theNext 18hr day.
13. Confide in at least one friend, and share your disappointments, as well as achievements with him/her. Talk things out so that minor frustrations don’t build up.
Just remember that after you burn up funds from one company credit card, get someone else’ card to make the next 1-800 number Hot Talk phone call.
Or else just call up any one of theHot Admin Chixxx and breathe heavily into thePhone, but remember to activate Caller ID Block first!!
14. Be ready to admit when you are wrong
..............................................................
15. Laugh! Look for the humor in life and take time to have fun.
Just remember that a Pie-in-the-Face of theHot Payroll girl ISN’T funny. Last time you did that you didn’t eat or pay your bills for two months
But sending theBoss’ Cadillac to thePaint shop and delivering it to him personally and seeing theLook on his face, now THAT is funny. You had theCompany Picnic photos, the cofidential company clients listings and the Pregnancy test results of his Mistress all airbrushed onto theCar. and you had all theGuard photos embedded into the New windshield so he’d never forget the40 reasons to get up in the Morning.
16. Enuf!!!
THE ALASKAN PRINCESS
More Stalkings from theLady in White (apron!!)
1. You get email updates of Real-time photos of you taken where ever you are at that moment in time!!
2. The last time you went to pay your monthly rent to your Jamaican Landlady, you noticed that she had dropped 150lbs and talked with a New Jersey accent, and that her brown eyes were blue.
3. Now and then, in your Apt, you can hear someone S-L-O-W-L-Y crawling around above you in the attic crawlspace.
4. In your rear-view duty truck mirror you see that you are followed by a small White Van being driven by a Huge, pretty Chicano girl, a hot Spanish chica is the front passenger and a young Philipino boy is taking cell phone cam pics of you while another girl is sleeping in the back of theVan!!
5. People still knock on your Apt door and ask to borrow your camera or CD player.
6. You get text messages on your Multi-media Cell phone reminding you that you need to keep checking your Apt’s refrigerator temps every 2 hours!
7. Now and then in public, a cute young girl will grab your arm and ask you:
“Does this blouse make me look fat?”,
“Does this color clash with theDecor?”,
“Why can’t you Love me!!??”
8. When you go to theAthletic Club and check in, theFront Desk girl clumsily tries to cover up theCRUISE pin on her lapel.
9. When you open up your Athletic Club locker, you notice the faint smell of Floor cleaner, Citrus air freshener and....*sniff-sniff* Tater tots??
10. When you get your monthly review statements from theState Food Stamp division you see that the form letter has a “Sea-Witch” watermark logo and the envelope has a Seattle address.
11. When driving around on Patrol one night and you had to ask some Pot-smoking Inebriates to leave Mall property, One man’s Joint was pointed at you and taking pictures, and later on you thought that those young men & women looked familiar, as if you’d worked with them at one time.
12. When you are typing on the Computer and occasionally watching theTV, you notice out of the corner of your eye, that the TV show characters watch you and take notes!!
13. As you walked through Downtown Anchorage one night you thought you saw a young pretty blonde woman getting a tattoo on her lower back and you then realize that she was...............!!
14. As you check certain downtown parking Garages while on Security patrol you notice that a small White Van is parked at every one of your stops.
15. As you stand Watch at a certain Liquor store in a rough Anchorage neighborhood you notice a group of white kids, mostly girls, that loiter around the end of the store. Later on you see that they’ve built a small campfire out back in the Woods and are drinking and shouting loudly and the Police are Calling YOU telling you to make those girls quiet down!!
16. All theHardware stores where you and your Guard buddy pick up Payroll $, and deliver cash to complain that someone’s stealing all their hammers and other hand instruments.
17. You freaked out during first Snowfall when you stopped to tie your boot laces and saw that your boottracks all had the Circled “SeaWitch” logo and that as far as you could see, you had been leaving SeaWitch tracks.
18. One night as you went to catch theLast bus home, you saw a blue haired Inebriate woman turn her head to Her Right, toss her hair and laugh. You walked two hours that night but made it back to your Apt.
19. One early morning while atop a Downtown High rise in Anchorage, You were admiring the PreDawn scenery and noticed an Mirage in theDistance. It resembled a large Red 3 story Lodge with immense bay windows and people playing shuffle board out front. Then it seemed that hundreds of People poured out from the Doors of this Lodge and everyone waved enthusiastically at you until you put your binoculars down.
20. Everytime that you go to practice on thePiano keyboard, the darn power cord is gone or else the darn machine is stuck on any setting but Piano. And when you went to play your beat-up, cheapo guitar you bought at thePawnShop, you found that it had been replaced by a Stratocaster with hand machined tune knobs and buttery smooth neck action.
The front and back of theGuitar had personally been signed by the Hot girl bands: LaCuna Coil, ArchAngel and Kittie!!
And Look!! someone had hacked your computer just to access your private music tablature and had printed up all your music!! It’s as if someone, besides your Apt roomies and theJamaican Landlady, didn’t want you to keep playing piano anymore!!
21. When you went to Wendy’s Drive Thru with theDuty truck. Your Double Whopper and fries order had been replaced by Pan-seared Lamb chops with garlic cloves and buttered parsnips, the Hollandais sauce was tart and theHot Apple crisp was still steaming and theIce cream was smooth and rich.
22. You had to switch from DDS back to paper checks as your bank statements Reminder Notes from AK Hostels & Properties kept getting more sappy and the occasional death threat from thePrincess was just too annoying.
23. You opened theNewsPapers last month and read of theMemorial for Golly B. Ladder whom died inside you last October and had to be removed. And to further invade your privacy was a photo snap shot of theChild Golly playing with a piece of hard candy!!
24. When you attended a local TAM’s, Techniques in Alcohol Management Server class this last summer just for the heck of it. All thePamphlets handed out by CHARR (the sponsoring organization) had 3x5 photos of 10 of thePrincess’ most heavy underage drinkers including theOne who rolled her SUV and the Girl that got mauled by a Brown bear!! Even all 6 Alaskan Princess’ photos were included.
25. Every Liquor store that you walk by has Posters and signs of all theAK Princess employees as visual cues that indicate what Under 21 Drinkers! look like And the New 2007 CHARR & State of AK Alcohol Controlled Board reminder Logos now indicate that if You are younger than an AK PrincessLodge Employee you cannot buy Alcohol.
26. You keep getting E-mail spam inviting you to a MYSpace site and after months of deleting those things. You accept an invitation and finally find out Who stole your Pickup truck for a few hours while you slept one day, when you once worked for thePrincess.
You look at a list of pics on theInternet and see a Group of theGirls!! wearing your Police gear that you kept stashed in your truck. The girls are all nude and they each have a piece of gear. Someone’s got your Vest on and not much else, another girl is holding theShotgun and another girl has your cuffs and leg irons on etc. Silly girls.
theAlaskan Princess!!
after Dinner, tie one on!!! and then tie up a few female Employees
theAlaskan Princess!!
Alaskan Glacial tours, putting your Relatives on Ice!!
theAlaskan Princess!!
a Full-service Tourist fleecing company, Come work for us!!
no experience necessary,
theAlaskan Princess!!
want Adventure?? It’s right in our backyard where our employees drink!!
theAlaskan Princess!!
size does Matter, our hot female employees are bigger than yours
to Serve our Clients better.
theAlaskan Princess!!
Employee Profiles
Deb L. 18, BarTender, theDenaliAlaskan Princess
tAP: So Deb, how long have you been a bartender?
DL: About 10 & 1/2 yrs now, I’m from Chicago, but I’ve been here since I first started as a bartender.
tAP: How did you get started??
DL: About 10yrs ago when I first came to Alaska with my parents. We stayed at one of theAlaskanPrincess Lodges down south and late one night when my parents were drinking,
Dad asked me to shake him a Martini from behind theBar and I stepped behind thePullTabs and never looked back since.
I mean. I had no choice really, my parents drank up a massive bar tab and had to sign me over to thePrincess Lodges and they basically kept me behind the scenes and kept me busy.
It’s been a great time and it doesn’t feel like work!! Except for that time thePrincess made me dress up and participate in that 3 yr marketing blitz.
I was one of theVillage Children. The company casting directors said that I was perfect for the part because my complexion was so white and I knew so much about Mixology at such a tender young age.
Most Village kids know about Alcohol by age 2 so all the other Village kids razzed me and never let me forget my place!!
tAP: Do you get a lot of tourists here??
DL: Of course, I love tourists. I’ve made really great friends with most of them and I’m sure my photos and videos are on a lot of websites now a days.
I’ve still got a rash on my neck from those Asians but I’m fine now. I know... I was young and stupid to let those guys......But I’m not 10 anymore, or 15. or.....17.
tAP: What’s your favorite part about working here?
DL: TheDenali Princess, which of course Is YOU!!!, often needs to get away and she often needs Body Doubles to stand in for her at theLodge.
I’ve been “Her” a few times now. I get to hang out with her and a few other Girls that most resemble thePrincess. We shadow her and learn her mannerisms, did you know that she can hide a two liter bottle of alcohol up her......
tAP: *ahem..!! cough, coughs*
DL: Last year when I was “Her” for a week here at theLodge I got to double order all theAlcohol I wanted from our Vendors, it was so cool. I don’t remember the last part of that weekend though because I was so hammered.
And I think that I authorized some 2006 and 2007 Lodge expansion modules and let a few more Client Vendors into theGroup, now thanks to me our visiting HoneyMooner Guests can consumate their Marriage while Nude bungee Jumping over theSouth Volcanic Crater Summit of Denali.
And Sr’s and Military card holders can nude body surf down theMountain while doing Ironist pressing on our excess Linens and uniforms. The laundry loves the extra help once they get past theSkidmarks.
tAP: So Deb, how do I know that you are not me and I am not you right now??
DL: huh?
tAP: Since you’ve been my body double, how do our readers know that You are not interviewing Me!!
DL: Oh!!!! I get it. *laughs*, Well. I’m an Innie and You’re more of an Outie while still being a bit Innie and I’m talking about your navel piercings. I can’t stand pain, I had to get totally stoned to get my navel ring and I just keep it there.
And you’ve got those bear scar and car tire inspired “brandings” and tattoos on your flanks. I don’t have them. I mean. It wasn’t my idea at that time to go out in theWoods and smoke pot. It wasn’t Suzie’s fault that she got mauled when she stepped away from our group to pee!
*breaks down crying*
(one hour later after DL stopped crying, and whipping up a round of drinks for theDept heads and Acid for Security)
tAP: What do you think about the new smoking ban?
DL: Smoking and drinking go hand in hand, kind of like our one front desk girl and one HouseKeeper girl when they come to work!! I’ve gotten used to smelling like an Ashtray well over 8 yrs ago and it doesn’t bother me now, except for the recent early morning hacking bouts and spitting up buckets of phlegm.
But after a few Martini’s and some scotch I’m ready to start my work shift and I’m fine after that. It’s only when I’m feeling down I just knock on a certain Employees door and shove a $50 bill under the door and voila!! I get “E!!”
tAP: What kind of sports nights or Theme nights do you have here at theLodge?
DL: We always have early morning Sunday mass and then everyone bellies on up to theBar for the rest of the day. The Phrase, “Mother May I” takes on a weird new meaning for me.
In fact, I got “Saved” last weekend after theHoly rollers had services. But I had to put my foot down on letting them into theBar, they kept disrupting everyone elses dining experiences throwing themselves all around.
Even our one Head Server got into a Rolling act but then we realized that she was actually on fire.
She got saved too, only her body was saved. We still can’t do anything about her Immoral soul,, the catty slut!
What with the new distillation processes in the new Alcohol drinks these days. The poor girl was smoking out back and this after being on a 4 day Bender!! She was expelling alcohol from every pore and with every breath and she flicked her Bic!! and POOF!!
We never would have known she was on fire and burning up if it hadn’t been for her clothes and hair starting to disappear. I guess the new alcohol everyone drinks burns smokeless and you can’t see the flame.
Now it takes 4 Bartenders, One Admin dept head, theSecurity officer and a random guest to authorize theOpening of theWine racks and thePouring of any hard alcohol.
Basically if someone wants to put anything on tv for all to see we’ll put it on. I just have to draw the line with theWeather Channel and C-Span. And if you look over there by theNew 290” tv screen with those funny butter-fly paintings on the wall??
Some Bikers were here last Monday and after every round of drinks they’d strip one of our Waitresses down, paint her butt cheeks and “Butt-Print” the wall.
tAP: How come the Butter Fly prints all look the same size and shape?
DL: I.... I was theOnly BartTender and Waitress on duty last Monday and I had to close the bar early because I developed an immediate case of Hives from the Paint.
tAP: is that mark a Mole??
DL: I thought you knew that already. What with your stringent tongue and hand physicals you personally gave to us when choosing girls to be your Body doubles.
tAP: What’s your favorite shift to work within Food & Beverages here at theLodge?
DL: If I haven’t been raving on Exstacy out in the Woods till 0500hrs I like to open up theBarista stand at 0600hrs.
There’s just something about stumbling over to theLodge bleary eyed and putting on my Makeup between theEmployee entrance and theEmployee bathroom. I think everyone’s got to do that at least once.
The Security Guard keeps on bugging me about wanting to know my makeup secrets!
One month I would exit theEmployee Quarters module where I live in and go Right and I’d stumble along and I showed up for Work early, except that I had only taken a wrong turn and ended up out in the Woods at a Vendor’s secret pot growing site.
I love the smell of scalding milk in theEspresso machines. I like the tinkle of change in theTill and right now it’s great to see if Lori my friend will show up for work today. She’s been tweeking now for 2 weeks and she hasn’t slept one wink. It will be interesting to see how much lunch and dinner she’ll cook today!
tAP: Who’s Lori?
DL: theSous Chef, she’s a great worker and often she IS theFirst Chef. What with theKitchen Staff being chased around theWoods last month by our Security Guard and they all got lost.
So that left Lori with having to Cook for that Visiting delegation from theAK Legislature and she hasn’t put down her Spatula since then....seriously. During theSummer months she swats mosquitos with theSpatula.
Although on occasion when we watch horror movies in theEmployee TV Lounge she scares the crap out of everyone when she waves her butchers knife. But she did impress Security and later on they taught each other combat knife fighting tricks.
*laughs some more*
I mean. during that first time she found herself all alone in theKitchen with Staff and theFood & Beverage Mgr staring at her, waiting on her to speak, and realized that she had to cook theMain meals and inspect all dishes before they went out to guests.
She was in the back room downing glasses of Sherry and Port, drinking 2 glasses per one glass added to theRecipes! I hope her liver holds out.
DL: *glances at watch* In fact, right after 1000hrs today I have to help her and theBell boys chase chickens, wring their necks and pluck them for dinner! As for the Bell boys, they’ll make good stock base and we’ll keep them in theWalk in freezer for next season.
tAP: If you could do one thing different here per season at theLodge, what would you do?
DL: *after much pause*, I dunno. I’ve.. I mean. We’ve pretty much done it all. Not just me.
I’ve led KickBox Areobics in theFitness Center and then had to transition to EMT when I punched out those two Guests by accident.
I then had to dry wall and paint the damage that I caused and was joined by Housekeeping and Landscaping when we changed out that 3000’ feet of bloody carpet. And then I became really good at Litigation when those Guests flew home and then Sued theLodge.
Later on I helped lead theFitness Team as they became impromptu birthing team for Kelli in theSauna whirlpool after she gave birth to her cute baby boy!! Funny how the 2nd Fishing Vendor resigned his post after that and divorced his wife.
That week prior to her birthing, that one morning when she was having false labor I had to stand in for her during Aerobics, and me. After doing a double shift from Laundry and Motor Pool maintenance.
We had to overhaul Van # 72 after the 8 Biggest Employee girls drove their day off to theCity and then tore up the1st and 2nd gears climbing the Mountains coming back to theLodge. Between you and me, I saw Heidi step on that Laundry weight scale and it was 280!!
She weighed more than our Security Guard!!
I’ve Cooked, I’ve cleaned. I’ve been PR and Admin assistant, I’ve even had to do voice promos for Marketing.
I’ve had to grab theYolk when that one Elderly pilot croaked after letting two of his skydivers jump. I’ve even raked in Thousands in 3 days from theAdult Lounge and wore latex body suits for theAlaskan Princess XXX Channel pay-per-View too.
And during that one Terrorist group attempted a takeover of theLodge and nearby resort chalets of our competitors a bunch of us helped the two Security Guards fight back. We made door breech charges from theBreakfast pancake batter, two Cookies and my IUD device. wow those guys are good.
I’ve driven theLodge Limo’s around too and for that week when thePipeline Crews needed extra help repairing that Leek next to theLodge here, 12 of us Barkeeps and Servers did Double Lodge shifts and managed to work an extra 15hrs per day with thePipeline crews.
I’ve stayed up three days deep in theBowels of theDenaliLodge slaving over theServers and reconfiguring theMother board matrix’ with a tweezer, a simple soldering iron and a simple magnifying glass.
All of us Employees have pretty much been shoved into Cross training at one time or another.
Um.. ask me what I Haven’t done for this Lodge and for theAlaskanPrincess chain.
tAP: Ok... What have you NOT done while working here for me?
DL: had a good nights sleep.
theAlaskanPrincess!!
and there ya’ have it!!
DL: Wait, is that camera on?? I thought you were just practicing with me while theGuys set up the stuff.
Oh God.. I called Heidi and theGuard a cow,, and you know about the Kickbacks I get from thePot growers...and and ...
Mom, Dad, can I come home now!!??
Comments