theSleeping!! Lady posts a HALP!! wantAd.
theSleeping!! Lady posts a HALP!! Wonted ad!! for Food & Beverage Stupff .... Staphf!!
(Anchorage Job Position!!: Recumbent, Supine / Prone!!)
Reply to: theSleeping!! Lady, West, west NorthWest of Anchorage d:oP
Date: Well duh!!, if that’s what you call it, I’m snoozing half theTime anywayz, so who knows!? what goes on-when I Go Out!! (or when I PassOut!!...from sleep!!)
APPLICATIONS AVAILABLE AT ALL LOCAL PILLOW, SLEEPING BAG, LIQUOR!! & MATTRESS STORES!!
except for that really tall, Bald whiteGuy that dances with those cows at his store on tv, he creeps me out!!
Position: Bartender
($5.25 - $7.50 Plus Gratuitous gratuity & BodyShot!! Privileges)
Obligations, Expectations & Duties Include:
1. Greets Me!! (of course) every morning in my MidTown Condo
(or SouthTown, HillTop, Mtn View!!. Except for theEastSide!!, that location mysteriously burnt down recently *whistles a tune....*)
and takes beverage orders from me, or any kind of the following orders:
-Fluff up my Pillow!!,
-fluff up my Implants!! & Moisturize them too!! (Guys!!),
-fetch my NewsPaper or run to StarBucks or Kaladas for my DoublePint of MochaMist!! and a box of pastries!! etc etc.
Must be willing to put theCarrot!!, Lettuce stalk!! or Cucumber!! into theDrink!! stupid, NOT INTO ME!!
I’m a hot, sexy SLEEPING LADY!! and as such I demand tha... t *yawnn..*
that I be treate..... *Yawnn..* mmmmhhhmmmm....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
*snores!!*
(sometime later!!)
2. Serves Beverages & Food to guests!!, but only after serving Me!! of course FIRST.
Must be willing and able to lift 10lbs (each Breast!!) up to 130...
no.. 120,
uhmm... How do I scratch out..
Must be willing to lift 180... no.. 160... awe shit..
Must be willing to lift ME!! as you serve ME (of course!!) to my Guests, after first placing said beverages & food INTO Me!!
Must be willing to serve theUsual round of Whiskey, Wine, and Slushie shooters to include,
Actually Shooting ANY guests for me!! and then being able to carry theBody!! and hide it somewhere in my Condo (and start a fire!!)
I mean, it sucks having to wake up from a sleepingBout and thePolice are there waiting to talk to me and theLastHelp left theBody!!
*sigh....*
I’m never using THAT tempAgency ever again!!
Must be willing to expand Foody!! boundaries, tastes and culinary skills while........
while basically expanding....... me.
I mean.........
buffalo Salmon fillets smothered in hotSauce is very painful to feed to my guests let alone emplace within, if you get my drift!!
and no, nO, NO!! I’m not doing theTokyoDrift anymore!!
I may look Asian, but I don’t do weird stuff with squid, octopi or eels!! We’ll save theLive SushiBar experience for my 6 LodgeMistress buddies, theAlaskanPrincess‘!!
oh... and you Must bring your own Mixing, Serving and Storage cups!!
I’m tired of exEmployees running off with my utensils and.... *yawns.....*
ooooohhhh!!, *stretches and slowly starts to relax and go limp....*
zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz
*snores and DROOLS*
(some time later!!)
3. Responsible for monitoring intoxication level of Me!! first and then of all guests!!
After another 3 months then theCourts!! say that I no longer have to be monitored and then I can continue to drink howEver much I want (not that they ever said that I could drink as much as I wanted, but... I’m just sayin’!!)
And to that end!!
Must be willing to vacuam up theLivingRoom carpet on moments Notice and Sweep & Mop up any stains, spills, broken Glass, litter, blood, bone, TEETH!! etc
as theItems pertain to any Festive fun gathering or loud party, and speaking of Loud parties.
Applicant(s) must be willing and able to Monitor ALL EMS channels as any traffic might pertain to MY loud parties and any fights and Gunfire that might occur!!
I must NOT ever crawl around or drop on theSpot into Sleep!! upon a soiled floor.
I don’t like it when I wake up to cigarette butt-burns on my hands, arms, back, etc
and neither do my guests like this experience either!!
It’s bad enough crawling around trying to answer theDamn cellPhone only to find out that it’s theDoorBell that’s been buzzing all along and I can’t get out of theKitchen,
or crawl from behind theSofa and get stuck under theEndTable because theHalp!!
didn’t clean up properly and put stuff back where they found it!!
I’m still mad about losing that 2005 lawsuit against a local furnitureStore!! for selling me that Colonial leather SleeperPullout & Endset with matching Ottoman footers,
and I got boxed into the 15sq ft enclosure of Couch!! and couldn’t get out till I sobered up!!
Had to eat crackerz, cheese, snackies and suck on spilled juice from under thePullout for 3 days.
theBarTender!! applicant must also be updated and heavily experienced in Alcohol & Drug detection, FST / field sobriety tests etc etc,
as theSituation warrants theApplicant in ONLY!! and I repeat.... ONLY Monitoring me or my guests to determine theIntoxicationLevel,
Further training and testing will be given by Me!! so you can determine if an appropriate Intoxication / Drug Induced Level warrants giving theGuests any pharmacuetical pills!!, extra Weed!!, a gun or sending them out to theSwimmingPool!! or out behind theCondo to theLake!! to keep drinking and to Swim,
or heck!!
to just give ‘em their car keys and boot them from my Condo!!
4. Ensures that minors are not served alcohol!!
blah blah blah, hobbidy hobbidy yap yapp yap yapp ahhhh Phoooey!!
*wink-wink, Nudge!!*
5. Enters orders into POS!! / Point of Sale computer system. Collects payment!!
I do not need any Gamerz to apply for this job position, because I’m sick and tired of Employees using PicturePaint to sketchOut each weekly party and email to thePolice!!
In fact, I’m not permitting any Internet access from my POS consoles anymore,
it’s bad enough that I have to do weekly downloads of Tax revenue info to theMunicipal servers.
And it all started when theLocal warehouses I’d buy from thought I was a Restaurant or Bar at first,
they couldn’t believe I drank so much and basically kept all theAlcohol for myself!!
So they made me get an AlcoholLicense.
I’m so upset now thinking of that...
which reminds me.
All applicants will be responsible for getting themselves angry every Other week or after Holidays and smashing thePOS screen in with their own fists,
and in case of PowerFailure!!
You must resort to theVillage!! Method of Finance summation and just use 5 fingers or else just write on your hand, your arm and theWall!! in marker,
oh.. and you must also be a handyMan too!!
Just in case you have to repair any holes in theCondo walls, replace theDoors!! that thePolice damage when breakingIN!!,
and you must be able to reTile theKitchenCounterTops, especially when we really HAD to MAKE some Guests “Disappear!!” last year during that one weekend
and so we broke out theChef Cutting Knives, theCleavers, those Machetes and bought new Freezers and food storage bi....
uhh..
aa.. and you need to paint over those lewd bathroom drawings and limmericks that I might leave behind!!
6. Reconciles cash and charges at the end of each shift!!
Do you have common sense to charge each customer after every “shift”,
such as when you or they “shift” positions!? it’s a small price to pay to be able to hang with theSleepingLady!!, which, btw is Me!!
I’m so Cool!!
*yawn..*
and right now,
so damn...
sleeeee
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
*slowly reclines back and arms out, legs open*
(some time later!!)
wher.. Where’d everyone go?!
And why am I all gooey inside!? noh....
Guess I’m going to have to finish typing theHALP wonted Add myself.
Maybe I should get some Assistants like theAlaskanPrincess!!’s do,
each one of them has hundreds of Slaves at their Resorts, Lodges, Hotels & Casinos.
And I’ve just got me here in this Condo.
I mean, reconciling Cash and Charges every 4 hours shouldn’t be so hard,
I mean, I got loads of that Money at theToyStore!!, theCash-n-Coin Bundle from toyco.
I even run live cards through theToyCreditCard machine to make duplicates of.....
*ahem*
anyway,
7. Stocks bar and takes inventory as required!!
I guess I could do that all by myself, but then again, I dunno how to get out of the Refrigerator if I should lock myself in again!!
these darn things!! * hefts and adjusts theBoobs!! ( . )Y( . ) *
8. Maintains a clean and organized bar area!!
As the6 AlaskanAthabascanPrincess' always say: "Cleanliness is next to Impossible!!"
But those chicks!! got their Lodges, Resorts and business to run and keep clean and tidy,
and they've got legions of Employ... erh. "Slaves!!" and I'm just posting for a couple of people to work for me,
I just ask that theAbba's Gin alllllll the way down theDrinks list to theZugaZest!! be alphabetized upon theShelves,
Since I drink Vodka theMost, THAT must be upfront and "reachable" from across theBar!! (where I'm often sitting, if not slouched over while Sleeping!!)
Don't hide theRemote!! either, cos I don't wanna miss my Soaps, and if I'm still at theBar!! after 3a.m., you'll need to hide theCreditCards from me,
as I, in my Stoli!! or Absolute! fueled torpor, might end up ordering more "Klene-n-Brite" miracleMix!! thinking that it's a drinkMix Additive.
*sigh*
All applicants to this job listing must not be allergic to Vacuams, CleaningRags, DustMops, Brooms,
and you certainly must NOT be allergic to 30gal plastic trash bags,
as I insist that, in light of last summers incident of having a body in theCondo!! right there next to me when I awoke from a 3 day drinking party,
all bodies found next to me or within my Condo!! must be suitably wrapped, sacked!! and ready for disposal, or else theOffendingEmployee!! will be sacked!!
9. Other duties as assigned!!
You must have a working vehicle, be heavily insured and willing to drive and pick up my Pizza orders, cos after last summers incident!!,
they don't wanna deliver to my MidTownCondo!! anymore. -sad- d:o(
Applicants must also be willing to undergo extensive Background checks,
you can start in MY backYard!!
cos I lost my contact lenses there last week when I crawled out theSlidingDoors and my cat locked me out!!
and your CreditChecks!! must be verbatim, whatever I drunkenly slurr out to you to repeat back to me-yourEmployer!! to Credit "ME" with,
then you'll have to Check!! me for contraband, alcohol bottles, etc before brushing my teeth, reading me a bedtime story,
making me say myPrayers!! and putting me to bed!!
* ParishPriests, SchoolPrincipals & Teachers, and other AuthorityPosition only!!
* Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster, it's bad enough that my previous emps made Illicit contact with me as it is!!
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
In fact, Don't reply to this joblisting!!
Just hang out for now by theNearestAlcoholVendor stores and you should see me stagger on up!! erhh.. If you don't have a vehicle to help carry my Stash!! home with me then don't bother me!!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
It's bad enough that I get accosted by Panhandlers, Inebriates, pesky whiny kids!!
it's bad enough that "these very types!!" are in my employ to begin with!!
sheeeesh!!
I'll post more JobOpenings once I figure out which "window" on my computer is my textWritingProgram,
I've got too many Gaming, Pron, YouTube!! and blog windows open right now.
I will be needing a Cook, a DishWasher!!
etc.
tata!!
theZleepingLady!!
zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
(Anchorage Job Position!!: Recumbent, Supine / Prone!!)
Reply to: theSleeping!! Lady, West, west NorthWest of Anchorage d:oP
Date: Well duh!!, if that’s what you call it, I’m snoozing half theTime anywayz, so who knows!? what goes on-when I Go Out!! (or when I PassOut!!...from sleep!!)
APPLICATIONS AVAILABLE AT ALL LOCAL PILLOW, SLEEPING BAG, LIQUOR!! & MATTRESS STORES!!
except for that really tall, Bald whiteGuy that dances with those cows at his store on tv, he creeps me out!!
Position: Bartender
($5.25 - $7.50 Plus Gratuitous gratuity & BodyShot!! Privileges)
Obligations, Expectations & Duties Include:
1. Greets Me!! (of course) every morning in my MidTown Condo
(or SouthTown, HillTop, Mtn View!!. Except for theEastSide!!, that location mysteriously burnt down recently *whistles a tune....*)
and takes beverage orders from me, or any kind of the following orders:
-Fluff up my Pillow!!,
-fluff up my Implants!! & Moisturize them too!! (Guys!!),
-fetch my NewsPaper or run to StarBucks or Kaladas for my DoublePint of MochaMist!! and a box of pastries!! etc etc.
Must be willing to put theCarrot!!, Lettuce stalk!! or Cucumber!! into theDrink!! stupid, NOT INTO ME!!
I’m a hot, sexy SLEEPING LADY!! and as such I demand tha... t *yawnn..*
that I be treate..... *Yawnn..* mmmmhhhmmmm....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz
*snores!!*
(sometime later!!)
2. Serves Beverages & Food to guests!!, but only after serving Me!! of course FIRST.
Must be willing and able to lift 10lbs (each Breast!!) up to 130...
no.. 120,
uhmm... How do I scratch out..
Must be willing to lift 180... no.. 160... awe shit..
Must be willing to lift ME!! as you serve ME (of course!!) to my Guests, after first placing said beverages & food INTO Me!!
Must be willing to serve theUsual round of Whiskey, Wine, and Slushie shooters to include,
Actually Shooting ANY guests for me!! and then being able to carry theBody!! and hide it somewhere in my Condo (and start a fire!!)
I mean, it sucks having to wake up from a sleepingBout and thePolice are there waiting to talk to me and theLastHelp left theBody!!
*sigh....*
I’m never using THAT tempAgency ever again!!
Must be willing to expand Foody!! boundaries, tastes and culinary skills while........
while basically expanding....... me.
I mean.........
buffalo Salmon fillets smothered in hotSauce is very painful to feed to my guests let alone emplace within, if you get my drift!!
and no, nO, NO!! I’m not doing theTokyoDrift anymore!!
I may look Asian, but I don’t do weird stuff with squid, octopi or eels!! We’ll save theLive SushiBar experience for my 6 LodgeMistress buddies, theAlaskanPrincess‘!!
oh... and you Must bring your own Mixing, Serving and Storage cups!!
I’m tired of exEmployees running off with my utensils and.... *yawns.....*
ooooohhhh!!, *stretches and slowly starts to relax and go limp....*
zzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz
*snores and DROOLS*
(some time later!!)
3. Responsible for monitoring intoxication level of Me!! first and then of all guests!!
After another 3 months then theCourts!! say that I no longer have to be monitored and then I can continue to drink howEver much I want (not that they ever said that I could drink as much as I wanted, but... I’m just sayin’!!)
And to that end!!
Must be willing to vacuam up theLivingRoom carpet on moments Notice and Sweep & Mop up any stains, spills, broken Glass, litter, blood, bone, TEETH!! etc
as theItems pertain to any Festive fun gathering or loud party, and speaking of Loud parties.
Applicant(s) must be willing and able to Monitor ALL EMS channels as any traffic might pertain to MY loud parties and any fights and Gunfire that might occur!!
I must NOT ever crawl around or drop on theSpot into Sleep!! upon a soiled floor.
I don’t like it when I wake up to cigarette butt-burns on my hands, arms, back, etc
and neither do my guests like this experience either!!
It’s bad enough crawling around trying to answer theDamn cellPhone only to find out that it’s theDoorBell that’s been buzzing all along and I can’t get out of theKitchen,
or crawl from behind theSofa and get stuck under theEndTable because theHalp!!
didn’t clean up properly and put stuff back where they found it!!
I’m still mad about losing that 2005 lawsuit against a local furnitureStore!! for selling me that Colonial leather SleeperPullout & Endset with matching Ottoman footers,
and I got boxed into the 15sq ft enclosure of Couch!! and couldn’t get out till I sobered up!!
Had to eat crackerz, cheese, snackies and suck on spilled juice from under thePullout for 3 days.
theBarTender!! applicant must also be updated and heavily experienced in Alcohol & Drug detection, FST / field sobriety tests etc etc,
as theSituation warrants theApplicant in ONLY!! and I repeat.... ONLY Monitoring me or my guests to determine theIntoxicationLevel,
Further training and testing will be given by Me!! so you can determine if an appropriate Intoxication / Drug Induced Level warrants giving theGuests any pharmacuetical pills!!, extra Weed!!, a gun or sending them out to theSwimmingPool!! or out behind theCondo to theLake!! to keep drinking and to Swim,
or heck!!
to just give ‘em their car keys and boot them from my Condo!!
4. Ensures that minors are not served alcohol!!
blah blah blah, hobbidy hobbidy yap yapp yap yapp ahhhh Phoooey!!
*wink-wink, Nudge!!*
5. Enters orders into POS!! / Point of Sale computer system. Collects payment!!
I do not need any Gamerz to apply for this job position, because I’m sick and tired of Employees using PicturePaint to sketchOut each weekly party and email to thePolice!!
In fact, I’m not permitting any Internet access from my POS consoles anymore,
it’s bad enough that I have to do weekly downloads of Tax revenue info to theMunicipal servers.
And it all started when theLocal warehouses I’d buy from thought I was a Restaurant or Bar at first,
they couldn’t believe I drank so much and basically kept all theAlcohol for myself!!
So they made me get an AlcoholLicense.
I’m so upset now thinking of that...
which reminds me.
All applicants will be responsible for getting themselves angry every Other week or after Holidays and smashing thePOS screen in with their own fists,
and in case of PowerFailure!!
You must resort to theVillage!! Method of Finance summation and just use 5 fingers or else just write on your hand, your arm and theWall!! in marker,
oh.. and you must also be a handyMan too!!
Just in case you have to repair any holes in theCondo walls, replace theDoors!! that thePolice damage when breakingIN!!,
and you must be able to reTile theKitchenCounterTops, especially when we really HAD to MAKE some Guests “Disappear!!” last year during that one weekend
and so we broke out theChef Cutting Knives, theCleavers, those Machetes and bought new Freezers and food storage bi....
uhh..
aa.. and you need to paint over those lewd bathroom drawings and limmericks that I might leave behind!!
6. Reconciles cash and charges at the end of each shift!!
Do you have common sense to charge each customer after every “shift”,
such as when you or they “shift” positions!? it’s a small price to pay to be able to hang with theSleepingLady!!, which, btw is Me!!
I’m so Cool!!
*yawn..*
and right now,
so damn...
sleeeee
ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
*slowly reclines back and arms out, legs open*
(some time later!!)
wher.. Where’d everyone go?!
And why am I all gooey inside!? noh....
Guess I’m going to have to finish typing theHALP wonted Add myself.
Maybe I should get some Assistants like theAlaskanPrincess!!’s do,
each one of them has hundreds of Slaves at their Resorts, Lodges, Hotels & Casinos.
And I’ve just got me here in this Condo.
I mean, reconciling Cash and Charges every 4 hours shouldn’t be so hard,
I mean, I got loads of that Money at theToyStore!!, theCash-n-Coin Bundle from toyco.
I even run live cards through theToyCreditCard machine to make duplicates of.....
*ahem*
anyway,
7. Stocks bar and takes inventory as required!!
I guess I could do that all by myself, but then again, I dunno how to get out of the Refrigerator if I should lock myself in again!!
these darn things!! * hefts and adjusts theBoobs!! ( . )Y( . ) *
8. Maintains a clean and organized bar area!!
As the6 AlaskanAthabascanPrincess' always say: "Cleanliness is next to Impossible!!"
But those chicks!! got their Lodges, Resorts and business to run and keep clean and tidy,
and they've got legions of Employ... erh. "Slaves!!" and I'm just posting for a couple of people to work for me,
I just ask that theAbba's Gin alllllll the way down theDrinks list to theZugaZest!! be alphabetized upon theShelves,
Since I drink Vodka theMost, THAT must be upfront and "reachable" from across theBar!! (where I'm often sitting, if not slouched over while Sleeping!!)
Don't hide theRemote!! either, cos I don't wanna miss my Soaps, and if I'm still at theBar!! after 3a.m., you'll need to hide theCreditCards from me,
as I, in my Stoli!! or Absolute! fueled torpor, might end up ordering more "Klene-n-Brite" miracleMix!! thinking that it's a drinkMix Additive.
*sigh*
All applicants to this job listing must not be allergic to Vacuams, CleaningRags, DustMops, Brooms,
and you certainly must NOT be allergic to 30gal plastic trash bags,
as I insist that, in light of last summers incident of having a body in theCondo!! right there next to me when I awoke from a 3 day drinking party,
all bodies found next to me or within my Condo!! must be suitably wrapped, sacked!! and ready for disposal, or else theOffendingEmployee!! will be sacked!!
9. Other duties as assigned!!
You must have a working vehicle, be heavily insured and willing to drive and pick up my Pizza orders, cos after last summers incident!!,
they don't wanna deliver to my MidTownCondo!! anymore. -sad- d:o(
Applicants must also be willing to undergo extensive Background checks,
you can start in MY backYard!!
cos I lost my contact lenses there last week when I crawled out theSlidingDoors and my cat locked me out!!
and your CreditChecks!! must be verbatim, whatever I drunkenly slurr out to you to repeat back to me-yourEmployer!! to Credit "ME" with,
then you'll have to Check!! me for contraband, alcohol bottles, etc before brushing my teeth, reading me a bedtime story,
making me say myPrayers!! and putting me to bed!!
* ParishPriests, SchoolPrincipals & Teachers, and other AuthorityPosition only!!
* Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster, it's bad enough that my previous emps made Illicit contact with me as it is!!
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
In fact, Don't reply to this joblisting!!
Just hang out for now by theNearestAlcoholVendor stores and you should see me stagger on up!! erhh.. If you don't have a vehicle to help carry my Stash!! home with me then don't bother me!!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
It's bad enough that I get accosted by Panhandlers, Inebriates, pesky whiny kids!!
it's bad enough that "these very types!!" are in my employ to begin with!!
sheeeesh!!
I'll post more JobOpenings once I figure out which "window" on my computer is my textWritingProgram,
I've got too many Gaming, Pron, YouTube!! and blog windows open right now.
I will be needing a Cook, a DishWasher!!
etc.
tata!!
theZleepingLady!!
zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
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