theVillageChixxx!! Are Just Happier
This Post was sat On by an Cute VillageChick!! albeit an cute Hot Fat one!!
She's having fun topping out thePosts here at AK VillageTales at 160!!
theVillageChick!! is fat coz she's Pregnant!! d:oP
Shamelessly plagiarized from "theMen Are Just Happier" joke. One among many spams that I get in my Email box from all over thePlace!!
Reasons Why VillageChixxx!! Are Just Happier!!
-People-- What do you expect ...WE ARE such simple creatures.
Just give us the$, theBooze, theCigs and theTV remote, the iPod!!, let us Be on theInternet and no one gets hurt!!
-Your last name stays put.
Completely Kaput!! like some SafetyOfficer careers in theVillage!!
But seriously, Your last name stays put on Every arrest and investigation report for Decades to come.
In fact so much, that your Granma's Great grandKids have never ever forgiven your Granma's Great Great Grandparents for ever ever Once helping out THEIR VPSO!!
-The garage is all yours.
What Garage!?
This is theVillage!! and OUR storage warehouses are called an "ArcticEntry", that little 10ft by 5ft room between theOutside and theMainhouse.
These "NoMan'sLand" places are chock full of old Clothes, Shoes, boots!!
Car parts, snowMachine parts, animal skins and even whole fish and Half-Moose hanging up to Dry right next to theLaundry,
There's old TV's, computers, boxes and boxes of bullets for each hunting rifle and practically every house in theVillage!! has an souvenier body part or article of clothing hanging on theWall from at least one of their old / former VPSO's,
One family boasts an complete OuterBallisticVest and an pair of old boots from their Villages most recent Officer, speaking of which.
You'll find and even one Villagers ArcticEntryway actually had an VPSO lost inside for several years!!
theHostFamily just collected his paycheck each month for him and drove his POV / personal owned vehicle during his "absence", But one day theGravyTrain ran out-Literally!!
theHostFamily ran out of GravyTrain dog food and thus theVPSO was forced to head West in his wanderings and found theFreezer!!
Eureka!! food, survival and when theHouseMatron!! (theMeanestVillageChick!! that lived there) went to theFreezer to thaw out Steaks for dinner,
theVPSO scampered to safety into theLivingRoom!! and was surprised to find that BarneyMiller and Hawaii Five-O was no longer shown on television, but this Officer was lured back to theArcticEntryway by promises of a new Improved dog food to survive on called-"AttaBoy!!"
-Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Hey, You're a cute, Hot Sexy young VillageChick!! and if you're NOT HAPPY.
NO one in theDamn!! village will EVER be Happy!!
why, just look at your Mom for example!!, and your sisters, yourCousins, your best friends, your Grandma, and aunties.....
-Chocolate is just another snack.
And you absolutely hate it when theGeneralStore is out of M&M's, Hershey bars and those CaraMellow's because theStupidVPSO bought out that weeks supply!!
So to fight fire with fire, You buy up all theBoxed Milk and PopTarts then Get rowdy like you're throwing an Drinking party and torment theVPSO when he arrives by having everyone eating PopTarts and You're all Sober!!
-You can be President!..........
of theVillageCouncil!!
because you're already president of theLocal VillageChixxx!! regional chapter.
And you've got numerous Beauty contest plaques and awards upon your Bedroom walls, your front living room and in theHouses of Neighbors on Both sides of you including the 4 houses across theStreet!!
What's NOT to Like about you!?
-You can never be pregnant.
Enuf!!
Last summer when those Religious Revival tents blew down and got damaged your family salvaged the12oz canvas for Maternity dresses for you, your sisters and your first through 4th cousins Including your MOM.
But you kept theGood Montana-blend, the6 ounce cording and the8oz fabric all to yourself!!
-You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
It's called-theRiver!!
since your family has been known to "borrow" Engines, Props, gas!! off theVPSO's riverBoat anyway, might as well make theMost of your summer time fun,
oh.. and don't forget to borrow theCamera!! (again)
-You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
and deep deep in theVPSO's photo archives somewhere is photographic proof of this!!
-Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Or else!!
Because theLast City mechanic that fleeced you, his business got a sneak visit from your cityRelatives!!
Besides, it's theVillage!! and you may look hot and sweet and your Nails and Hair is perfect,
You can change out an set of tires in 5mins, take apart an modernEngine and reinstall theTimingChain in 2 hours!! and you don't need no stinkin' enginePulleys either.
Though it was hard to see that one time when you used your Goth "DevilEyes" lenses for safety EyeWear and they got scratched from theSparks!! when you Rechanneled theGear Teethboxes with your dad's Lathe,
just to get an Edge!! upon running from theVPSO when you were driving in Alcohol and Drugs to theVillage!!
-The world is your urinal.
......Too!!
Winter, Spring, Summer and lateConstruction!! You got all 3 Alaska seasons covered when it comes to having Pee'd anywhere and at anytime your Bladder called!!
You still laugh at theVPSO because you backed up to an Men's locker room Urinal one time when he was using theSchoolShowers.
This a few months after that One incident when that Pre-SexChange Op Tranny / It / Thing came to theVillage!! and got arrested for assaulting your Relatives!
Your VPSO is so jittery now around women cos he doesn't know whom really IS and ISN'T anymore!! d:oP
-You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
See thePosting above, "all theVillage!! is Your Urinal", yeah, that one!!
-You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You just have to turn on a Nut!! by fluffing your hair and rubbing your arms & tummy real sexy and waving mrOfficer on over. Then you act helpless and get him to do stuff for you!!
Hurry up quickly before he realizes that you're just using him and he Bolts!!
Actually, at times You really want him to Bolt!!
to Bolt down food that you feed him and to bolt down water that you offer as well.
-Same work, more pay.
what?!, You. Work?!
Never!!
Your local Officer just does all that icky stuff for you and you sit around with your family just watching tv and fighting over thePlayStation!!
then Granma loudly quells theDispute because she wants to listen to theCaribouClatters A.M. talk show, so someone has to take her out to theLateModel pickup Truck and drive her around for an hour!!
-Wrinkles add character.
....at least to your man's forehead, face, neck and WhatNot!!
But to Your forehead, face, eyelids and mouth it means at least an $500 a week deduction on your VPSO income,
what with all those Cigarettes he buys and some of theAlcohol that he "Loses" from his confiscation "takes" and.... and...
oh shut up... Next Posting please.
-Wedding dress $5000.
of someone Elses hard earned $/money!!
You cared not to tell your new Officer husband of your Native status membership in Tribal affairs and theMonthly shareHolders dividend that you get and other Stipends deposited into your bank account just for being an Village(chick!!)Native!!
-Tux rental-$100.
You would have charged your newGroom more for Tux rental (saved from your last Marriage) but you looked at him eating BeenieWeenies and PopTarts with Milk from theGeneralStore and decided that you'd get $ from him in OtherWays!!
-People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
They're either staring at your Preggo belly all theTime!! or else they stare incredulously at your 3rd Boob!! your new VPSO hubby,
just awestruck at your new found position of Wealth and Privilege in theVillage!!
Ha!!
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
..........of YOU!!
I mean, come on!!
If theOfficer at first was shocked at seeing such Manners come from your PreggerTeen cousins when he first arrived in theVillage!!
then Why Not from you?! Just spice things up a bit with juvenile hand sounds like your sister does when she's arrested and cuffed with hands behind her back!!
Since your man finally made you shave your armPits, have a little fun with that soundmaking too, Oh.. oh..
and remember that Queef video that you vaguely remembered doing one night when you borrowed "His" camera!!
*BBRRAAPP!!*
giggle.. giggle..
*fffffffffffffffffffffttttthbhpbhbhpbhpbhpbhbhbhbhpbhphpbhbhbhbphth!!*
giggle..gigle..
-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
But new boots that are one size too big do!!
As what happened to your Man a couple years ago when he first went out on theFireLines as an Alaska emergency fire fighter and you had to buy boots for him last minute.
Ha!!
-One mood all the time.
Drunk!!
End of discussion.
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
At least with your friends,
with your family you just have to look and Nod at each other and pass theMessage on that theBootLegger competition is going to do another ImportRun into theVillage!!
so act fast and "Tip!!" your OfficerHubby about this News
-You know stuff about tanks.
those large Red painted "GREER" fuel tanks that is.
Every home in Alaska has them and you know to theOunce how much fuel you can sneak out of them without ever using theChained Up dispensing tubeGun or by removing theWaterFiltertankTrap.
Heck, you don't even have to open theTop fillCaps either!!
And your vast knowledge of fuel tanks runs theLine from snowMachine fuel tanks, boatMotor fuel tanks to cars and truck tanks too.
This is knowledge that every Villager!! knows from at least 12months of age!!
-A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
And ONE plane ticket to Hawaii, YOURS!!
But theLast time you bought and Used TWO tickets, was when you and your best friend flew off to Hawaii during Winter Ice BreakUp
when everyone was still freezing in theVillage!! at -40deg below zero and you strolled along kapiolaniBlvd in Honolulu sampling all theFood shops and even the HighEnd stripClub that served steaks and Lobster with their LapDances!!
Next year during PFD time, you're planning to go to Mexico-Alone!!
-You can open all your own jars.
After all, your 2nd Cousin theNext Village-over and across theGlacialRange taught you how to make Hootch in just One Jar!!
You'd better know how to c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y open that Jar.
There's an Reason why your 2nd Cousin is in that WheelChair, and Blind!!
Because she "bumped" her arm against theWall while C-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y removing theLid to her Jar!!
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Honestly though, theWholeVillage!! learned when you were 2yrs old that they get peace and quiet from your Temper tantrums when they acknowledge your very existence EVERY DAY and praise you Endlessly!!
-If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
And only if they were:
1. Passed out for days and forgot to invite you!!
2. They were in jail and passed out for days and forgot to invite you!!
3. They were dead in jail for days and forgot to invite you!!
-Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
What underwear!!
Honestly, theLast time you ever said "under where?" was when your mom and dad were trying to tell you at age 3 just where they hid your EasterEgg basket full of candy and toys!!
Ever since then you've never really worn undies, ever!! And you've literally saved tens of thousands of dollars too over a life time.
-Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
1. theHookerHeels!!
2. theF**K Me Pumps!!
3. and theLounge-About-theHouse!! stiletto ThighHighs!!
-You almost never have strap problems in public.
Recently because you quit wearing Bras and also because you're just so cute and hot.
Your man spanks (straps) your firm butt alot in public too.
But (pardon thePun here) theOnly problem with that was he used that THICK SamBrown duty belt, now praise be!! that he now carries all his Tools in that BallisticVest!!
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
As canvas Maternity dresses are Wrinkle resistant and rot proof!!
and besides, You can't find your glasses that you lost 3yrs ago at that house party anyway, but you're married to theCop!! who cares what your clothes look like?!
-Everything on your face stays its original color.
Champagne Blush!!
WhiskeySour Red!!
VodkaAssault Blue!!
CrimsonSchnapps!!
and Black magic marker (OWNED!!)
-The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
But who cares about your man's hairstyle,
this Post is all about you and your $300 per Salon visit every two weeks.
You whose most valued possession in theWorld is your Boar bristle HairBrush and your Mirror, along with your BlushCompacts, your hairCurlers, your F**K Me Pumps!!, your.......
-You only have to shave your face and neck.
Or as your man puts it, your "turkeyNeck!!" and we're not talking about what's above Your neck!!
we're talking of down below your Navel. AANNDD moving on....
-You can play with toys all your life.
your CordlessDrill!!, your VibratorEgg!!, your handBuiltWhippingHorse!!, theKidz NerfFootBall!!
-Your belly usually hides your big hips.
Your Preggo belly!! that is.
And if your man just stands about 6 to 8 feet away from you as You lounge Supine on theSofa, your prego belly hides his Hips and his Belly too!!
You just see his pleasant face talking to you while you listen to your Nano iPod LOUDLY!!
-One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
Both of them are HIS of course.
You just hide One under an Bosom and keep his Shoes under theSofa!! or under theBed!! and confiscate them whenEver he gets home for theDay or night.
You use theOtherBosom!! to hide all theVehicleKeys and theCreditCards!!
-You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
Your legs used to look great, but after the3rd Child by time you were 19, you were wearing Maternity dresses all year and forgot about how your legs look,
But everyone says they look great and you're still CUTE!! so.. Ok!!
*turns up Nano iPod even louder and changes channels on Satellite tv.
-You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
But you have to be careful about 'which' knife of HIS that you use.
As your man carries at least 3 different blades on his person.
theCurved one for closeIn Defense (if he needs to ever use it) and theTitanium folder is for field use,
leaving theRazor sharp Tanto folder for pickup up Icky stuff at VillageCrime scenes!!
or was it, he uses theCurved blade for Icky stuff handling and theTanto for BladeDefense and.....??
-You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
........and a Beard!!
But only below your navel and only during theCold winter months!!
other times, You have to be hairLess!! or else!!
-You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
And if you hurry-Up, you can Kiss and Hug all your VillageRelatives at 2330hrs on 31
December in 15mins flat!!
But if you Slip some Tongue now and then you finish at 0008mins,
vs finishing at 0012mins last year and at 0019ms the year before last when 10 cousins, 5 strangers and 3 toddlers visited from DownRiver!!
------------------------------
But really!! SEE!?
No wonder men are really happier!!
luvs theSam!!
yyeechch.. and when I first got to theVillage!!
My girlfriend that year wanted to Cuddle too which set her another 4mins behind schedule,
But she's getting better and faster each New years!!
She's having fun topping out thePosts here at AK VillageTales at 160!!
theVillageChick!! is fat coz she's Pregnant!! d:oP
Shamelessly plagiarized from "theMen Are Just Happier" joke. One among many spams that I get in my Email box from all over thePlace!!
Reasons Why VillageChixxx!! Are Just Happier!!
-People-- What do you expect ...WE ARE such simple creatures.
Just give us the$, theBooze, theCigs and theTV remote, the iPod!!, let us Be on theInternet and no one gets hurt!!
-Your last name stays put.
Completely Kaput!! like some SafetyOfficer careers in theVillage!!
But seriously, Your last name stays put on Every arrest and investigation report for Decades to come.
In fact so much, that your Granma's Great grandKids have never ever forgiven your Granma's Great Great Grandparents for ever ever Once helping out THEIR VPSO!!
-The garage is all yours.
What Garage!?
This is theVillage!! and OUR storage warehouses are called an "ArcticEntry", that little 10ft by 5ft room between theOutside and theMainhouse.
These "NoMan'sLand" places are chock full of old Clothes, Shoes, boots!!
Car parts, snowMachine parts, animal skins and even whole fish and Half-Moose hanging up to Dry right next to theLaundry,
There's old TV's, computers, boxes and boxes of bullets for each hunting rifle and practically every house in theVillage!! has an souvenier body part or article of clothing hanging on theWall from at least one of their old / former VPSO's,
One family boasts an complete OuterBallisticVest and an pair of old boots from their Villages most recent Officer, speaking of which.
You'll find and even one Villagers ArcticEntryway actually had an VPSO lost inside for several years!!
theHostFamily just collected his paycheck each month for him and drove his POV / personal owned vehicle during his "absence", But one day theGravyTrain ran out-Literally!!
theHostFamily ran out of GravyTrain dog food and thus theVPSO was forced to head West in his wanderings and found theFreezer!!
Eureka!! food, survival and when theHouseMatron!! (theMeanestVillageChick!! that lived there) went to theFreezer to thaw out Steaks for dinner,
theVPSO scampered to safety into theLivingRoom!! and was surprised to find that BarneyMiller and Hawaii Five-O was no longer shown on television, but this Officer was lured back to theArcticEntryway by promises of a new Improved dog food to survive on called-"AttaBoy!!"
-Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Hey, You're a cute, Hot Sexy young VillageChick!! and if you're NOT HAPPY.
NO one in theDamn!! village will EVER be Happy!!
why, just look at your Mom for example!!, and your sisters, yourCousins, your best friends, your Grandma, and aunties.....
-Chocolate is just another snack.
And you absolutely hate it when theGeneralStore is out of M&M's, Hershey bars and those CaraMellow's because theStupidVPSO bought out that weeks supply!!
So to fight fire with fire, You buy up all theBoxed Milk and PopTarts then Get rowdy like you're throwing an Drinking party and torment theVPSO when he arrives by having everyone eating PopTarts and You're all Sober!!
-You can be President!..........
of theVillageCouncil!!
because you're already president of theLocal VillageChixxx!! regional chapter.
And you've got numerous Beauty contest plaques and awards upon your Bedroom walls, your front living room and in theHouses of Neighbors on Both sides of you including the 4 houses across theStreet!!
What's NOT to Like about you!?
-You can never be pregnant.
Enuf!!
Last summer when those Religious Revival tents blew down and got damaged your family salvaged the12oz canvas for Maternity dresses for you, your sisters and your first through 4th cousins Including your MOM.
But you kept theGood Montana-blend, the6 ounce cording and the8oz fabric all to yourself!!
-You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
It's called-theRiver!!
since your family has been known to "borrow" Engines, Props, gas!! off theVPSO's riverBoat anyway, might as well make theMost of your summer time fun,
oh.. and don't forget to borrow theCamera!! (again)
-You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
and deep deep in theVPSO's photo archives somewhere is photographic proof of this!!
-Car mechanics tell you the truth.
Or else!!
Because theLast City mechanic that fleeced you, his business got a sneak visit from your cityRelatives!!
Besides, it's theVillage!! and you may look hot and sweet and your Nails and Hair is perfect,
You can change out an set of tires in 5mins, take apart an modernEngine and reinstall theTimingChain in 2 hours!! and you don't need no stinkin' enginePulleys either.
Though it was hard to see that one time when you used your Goth "DevilEyes" lenses for safety EyeWear and they got scratched from theSparks!! when you Rechanneled theGear Teethboxes with your dad's Lathe,
just to get an Edge!! upon running from theVPSO when you were driving in Alcohol and Drugs to theVillage!!
-The world is your urinal.
......Too!!
Winter, Spring, Summer and lateConstruction!! You got all 3 Alaska seasons covered when it comes to having Pee'd anywhere and at anytime your Bladder called!!
You still laugh at theVPSO because you backed up to an Men's locker room Urinal one time when he was using theSchoolShowers.
This a few months after that One incident when that Pre-SexChange Op Tranny / It / Thing came to theVillage!! and got arrested for assaulting your Relatives!
Your VPSO is so jittery now around women cos he doesn't know whom really IS and ISN'T anymore!! d:oP
-You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
See thePosting above, "all theVillage!! is Your Urinal", yeah, that one!!
-You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You just have to turn on a Nut!! by fluffing your hair and rubbing your arms & tummy real sexy and waving mrOfficer on over. Then you act helpless and get him to do stuff for you!!
Hurry up quickly before he realizes that you're just using him and he Bolts!!
Actually, at times You really want him to Bolt!!
to Bolt down food that you feed him and to bolt down water that you offer as well.
-Same work, more pay.
what?!, You. Work?!
Never!!
Your local Officer just does all that icky stuff for you and you sit around with your family just watching tv and fighting over thePlayStation!!
then Granma loudly quells theDispute because she wants to listen to theCaribouClatters A.M. talk show, so someone has to take her out to theLateModel pickup Truck and drive her around for an hour!!
-Wrinkles add character.
....at least to your man's forehead, face, neck and WhatNot!!
But to Your forehead, face, eyelids and mouth it means at least an $500 a week deduction on your VPSO income,
what with all those Cigarettes he buys and some of theAlcohol that he "Loses" from his confiscation "takes" and.... and...
oh shut up... Next Posting please.
-Wedding dress $5000.
of someone Elses hard earned $/money!!
You cared not to tell your new Officer husband of your Native status membership in Tribal affairs and theMonthly shareHolders dividend that you get and other Stipends deposited into your bank account just for being an Village(chick!!)Native!!
-Tux rental-$100.
You would have charged your newGroom more for Tux rental (saved from your last Marriage) but you looked at him eating BeenieWeenies and PopTarts with Milk from theGeneralStore and decided that you'd get $ from him in OtherWays!!
-People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
They're either staring at your Preggo belly all theTime!! or else they stare incredulously at your 3rd Boob!! your new VPSO hubby,
just awestruck at your new found position of Wealth and Privilege in theVillage!!
Ha!!
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
..........of YOU!!
I mean, come on!!
If theOfficer at first was shocked at seeing such Manners come from your PreggerTeen cousins when he first arrived in theVillage!!
then Why Not from you?! Just spice things up a bit with juvenile hand sounds like your sister does when she's arrested and cuffed with hands behind her back!!
Since your man finally made you shave your armPits, have a little fun with that soundmaking too, Oh.. oh..
and remember that Queef video that you vaguely remembered doing one night when you borrowed "His" camera!!
*BBRRAAPP!!*
giggle.. giggle..
*fffffffffffffffffffffttttthbhpbhbhpbhpbhpbhbhbhbhpbhphpbhbhbhbphth!!*
giggle..gigle..
-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
But new boots that are one size too big do!!
As what happened to your Man a couple years ago when he first went out on theFireLines as an Alaska emergency fire fighter and you had to buy boots for him last minute.
Ha!!
-One mood all the time.
Drunk!!
End of discussion.
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
At least with your friends,
with your family you just have to look and Nod at each other and pass theMessage on that theBootLegger competition is going to do another ImportRun into theVillage!!
so act fast and "Tip!!" your OfficerHubby about this News
-You know stuff about tanks.
those large Red painted "GREER" fuel tanks that is.
Every home in Alaska has them and you know to theOunce how much fuel you can sneak out of them without ever using theChained Up dispensing tubeGun or by removing theWaterFiltertankTrap.
Heck, you don't even have to open theTop fillCaps either!!
And your vast knowledge of fuel tanks runs theLine from snowMachine fuel tanks, boatMotor fuel tanks to cars and truck tanks too.
This is knowledge that every Villager!! knows from at least 12months of age!!
-A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
And ONE plane ticket to Hawaii, YOURS!!
But theLast time you bought and Used TWO tickets, was when you and your best friend flew off to Hawaii during Winter Ice BreakUp
when everyone was still freezing in theVillage!! at -40deg below zero and you strolled along kapiolaniBlvd in Honolulu sampling all theFood shops and even the HighEnd stripClub that served steaks and Lobster with their LapDances!!
Next year during PFD time, you're planning to go to Mexico-Alone!!
-You can open all your own jars.
After all, your 2nd Cousin theNext Village-over and across theGlacialRange taught you how to make Hootch in just One Jar!!
You'd better know how to c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y open that Jar.
There's an Reason why your 2nd Cousin is in that WheelChair, and Blind!!
Because she "bumped" her arm against theWall while C-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y removing theLid to her Jar!!
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Honestly though, theWholeVillage!! learned when you were 2yrs old that they get peace and quiet from your Temper tantrums when they acknowledge your very existence EVERY DAY and praise you Endlessly!!
-If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
And only if they were:
1. Passed out for days and forgot to invite you!!
2. They were in jail and passed out for days and forgot to invite you!!
3. They were dead in jail for days and forgot to invite you!!
-Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
What underwear!!
Honestly, theLast time you ever said "under where?" was when your mom and dad were trying to tell you at age 3 just where they hid your EasterEgg basket full of candy and toys!!
Ever since then you've never really worn undies, ever!! And you've literally saved tens of thousands of dollars too over a life time.
-Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
1. theHookerHeels!!
2. theF**K Me Pumps!!
3. and theLounge-About-theHouse!! stiletto ThighHighs!!
-You almost never have strap problems in public.
Recently because you quit wearing Bras and also because you're just so cute and hot.
Your man spanks (straps) your firm butt alot in public too.
But (pardon thePun here) theOnly problem with that was he used that THICK SamBrown duty belt, now praise be!! that he now carries all his Tools in that BallisticVest!!
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
As canvas Maternity dresses are Wrinkle resistant and rot proof!!
and besides, You can't find your glasses that you lost 3yrs ago at that house party anyway, but you're married to theCop!! who cares what your clothes look like?!
-Everything on your face stays its original color.
Champagne Blush!!
WhiskeySour Red!!
VodkaAssault Blue!!
CrimsonSchnapps!!
and Black magic marker (OWNED!!)
-The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
But who cares about your man's hairstyle,
this Post is all about you and your $300 per Salon visit every two weeks.
You whose most valued possession in theWorld is your Boar bristle HairBrush and your Mirror, along with your BlushCompacts, your hairCurlers, your F**K Me Pumps!!, your.......
-You only have to shave your face and neck.
Or as your man puts it, your "turkeyNeck!!" and we're not talking about what's above Your neck!!
we're talking of down below your Navel. AANNDD moving on....
-You can play with toys all your life.
your CordlessDrill!!, your VibratorEgg!!, your handBuiltWhippingHorse!!, theKidz NerfFootBall!!
-Your belly usually hides your big hips.
Your Preggo belly!! that is.
And if your man just stands about 6 to 8 feet away from you as You lounge Supine on theSofa, your prego belly hides his Hips and his Belly too!!
You just see his pleasant face talking to you while you listen to your Nano iPod LOUDLY!!
-One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
Both of them are HIS of course.
You just hide One under an Bosom and keep his Shoes under theSofa!! or under theBed!! and confiscate them whenEver he gets home for theDay or night.
You use theOtherBosom!! to hide all theVehicleKeys and theCreditCards!!
-You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
Your legs used to look great, but after the3rd Child by time you were 19, you were wearing Maternity dresses all year and forgot about how your legs look,
But everyone says they look great and you're still CUTE!! so.. Ok!!
*turns up Nano iPod even louder and changes channels on Satellite tv.
-You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
But you have to be careful about 'which' knife of HIS that you use.
As your man carries at least 3 different blades on his person.
theCurved one for closeIn Defense (if he needs to ever use it) and theTitanium folder is for field use,
leaving theRazor sharp Tanto folder for pickup up Icky stuff at VillageCrime scenes!!
or was it, he uses theCurved blade for Icky stuff handling and theTanto for BladeDefense and.....??
-You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
........and a Beard!!
But only below your navel and only during theCold winter months!!
other times, You have to be hairLess!! or else!!
-You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
And if you hurry-Up, you can Kiss and Hug all your VillageRelatives at 2330hrs on 31
December in 15mins flat!!
But if you Slip some Tongue now and then you finish at 0008mins,
vs finishing at 0012mins last year and at 0019ms the year before last when 10 cousins, 5 strangers and 3 toddlers visited from DownRiver!!
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But really!! SEE!?
No wonder men are really happier!!
luvs theSam!!
yyeechch.. and when I first got to theVillage!!
My girlfriend that year wanted to Cuddle too which set her another 4mins behind schedule,
But she's getting better and faster each New years!!
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