Honey, I Drunk theKidz!!

In keeping with this Blogs silly tradition of quirkiness,
theVillageChixxx!! presents this next Installment of AlaskaVillageTales!!

namely Our cute chapely ones!! Oh.. we joke!!

Since we basically talked and cried, coaxed, cajoled and hugged our way into Exclusive VPSO office access we then,

looked the Other way while a few “Other” friends took over theInet and sorted through theArrestReports,

This is one dedicated man folks,
he eats, sleeps and breathes thisVPSO stuff,

has Journals that log each days events and contacts,
Even when he never spoke to anyone or had to break up any Parties,

he just logs what he sees, and later on Pieces theEvents together like a Puzzle and figures out who’s hanging with Whom,

whom is related to whom and basically how many of us are going to follow in theFootSteps of our Imbibing older relatives and whom will leave theVillage!! in a few years,

and thePictures he takes are incredible,
He shoots everything from everyday house interiors and foot prints, vehicles and other items of interest,

then he goes back to his Office or to his LodgeRoom and examines each days photos to get himself in the Heads of the house hold residents,

we have mixed feelings though, he protects most of us Girls and theElders and other men too, but on the other hand, he could really do some damage if he were to turn Criminal,

sneaking in and out of parties after everyone’s passed out and checking on everyone.
Someone’s little Toddler was wide awake in what looks like one photo montage,

he held her for awhile and mixed her formula, fed her, changed her and left.

theSam!!
theVillageBarTenders!! best friend

(Ha!! yeah right)

VillageChick!! BarTendingBasics!!
Among many things you’ll need as an VillageBarTender, you’ll need the very basic items such as a few we’ve listed here.

Equipment:

BarSpoon,
a long handled spoon with a Twisted shaft that, when you’re Drunk and can’t feel a thing in your hand, makes stirring your Drinks very easy.

Also, having theSpoon around to stir theMooseSoup, theGravy and theSimmering veggies or even theBowl of Cereal!! that you’ll use “as Props!!” when theVPSO visits your house and looks around theKitchen,

You and your friends can be quickly eating, Thus Masking your alcohol breath.
But use common sense please.

You don’t want any more repeats of last time you and your friends were guzzling “PipingHot!!” stew in front of theVPSO,

all of you didn’t eat or drink anything else for a week until your burnt mouths, esophogus stopped hurting.

And since theBarSpoon is easy to grip during all conditions both Inebriate & Sober, you can use it to thump theHeads of your little ones, encouraging them to keep quiet, while “Daddy” searches theHouse for contraband!!

BarTowels,
Small aborbant terryCloth towels to soak up various Spillage, Splashes!! and such as you and your friends rush around theKitchen and house “Hiding” everything before theOfficers!! come by,

Also, when selecting your WardRobe, pick big Baggy Hoodies,
Big baggy T’s and even long sleeved T’s as necessary,

because all that absorbant cloth you’ll have at your disposal will also “PickUp” any spilt drinks and wipe away any evidence of You drinking!!

but at least One / (1) of your Cute friends needs to be partially unDressed,

wearing Low-cut, lowSlung lowRiders that expose her Trampstamp!! and a mini SeeThru Peasant top or microT that exposes her tattood arms, upper shoulder blades and her Long Hair needs to be freshly tousled and in an messyUpdo!!

And always, always have some dishes in theSink AT ALL TIMES throughout theEntire year!! so that when theOfficers!! do visit your house Impromptu,

you can look up innocently, “what?!, me!! Drinking?! Never!!

BottleOpeners,
Do Not!! I repeat. DO NOT carry this essential item in your waistband or openly displayed in your backPocket if you’re an Cute VillageChick!!,

just give it to your homely girlfriends and let them carry all theKey drinking tools,

let them openly carry theAlcohol and Drugs because theOfficers won’t be paying attention to them anyway!!

Although theBottleOpener is the standard tool for removing bottle caps,
when was the last time anyone bought/brought/stole any “bottledBeer” to theVillage!!

Beer always comes in cans and the hard alcohol comes to theVillage!! in bottles,
besides, if you want to Import anything in “GLASS”, it’s just an Sacrificial Shipment, driven in by Villagers that were directed,

that were meant to be Caught and you let theVPSO’s be happy for a few hours or days as they take time from their work to head out to theDump and shoot theGlass!!

Though all sorts of designs exist for an Bottle Opener, pick one that’s right for you and don’t forget theNaturalBottleOpener that you were born with, Your Front teeth or else those back teeth!!

CheeseCloths,
these items are handy for straining solids from steeped mixtures, like when boiling Salmon or other WildLife meat for canning, you strain theBroth out into theStorage jars for the final cooling and cooking before waxing theLids and capping.

Always remember to soak theCheeseclothe with water first, then Twist real hard and wring out theWater before you strain any type of Alcohol drink through theClothe or else your loose MUCH of your concocted drink INTO theCloth,

since we are VillageChicks!! we already have small readily available, handy-Dandy pieces of “CheeseCloth” upon our persons!!

at least for those of us that wear Panties & Thongs,
Use that teensy Tiny strip of microMesh cloth to strain out any liquid mixture!!

theBostonShaker!!
this is an 2 Part implement that has an Larger Metal cup and an slightly smaller Glass cup,

You just measure into either cup theIce, the ounces of various Alcohol into that and cap theEnd with the remaining Cup and shake theBostonShaker really hard a few times,

Just imagine holding onto your VPSO’s neck and really throttle that Shaker for 10 to 20 seconds!!

Then “break” the seal of the cups EVER SO SLIGHTLY on one Side, it should be broken enough to just barely let theAlcohol mix Inside, pour out without any Ice getting out,

Most people use an Ice strainer but this is theVillage!!
an Efficiently made drink and an quickly consumed drink is theBest drink!! and not ever an confiscated one.

You don’t need to spend $75 to $200 for an readyMade, Glass end that is PreMarked with Measurement lines and Directions are written on the sides for you, and theMetal cup is precisely machined smooth and stainless!!

Any two sized cups will do as long as you can join theRims together and make an halfway decent seal while shaking,

heck, Marla and hattie are Village reknowned for using their McDonalds & Wendy’s cups just for DrinkMaking!! and Granma Beel has to fortify her morning coffee with Gin and WhippedCream.

She just caps her coffeeMug with an styrofoam cup as she shakes with Ice!!

Funnels
These are useful for transferring liquids into small mouthed containers and bottles. Just keep an large collection of funnels in your Arctic entry and label ALL of them as “Automotive Oil” or “No Food”

just to keep theVPSO unaware that every time he walks through theEntryway of your house when he visits, socializes and whatNot,

he’ll have no idea that those 3 small funnels and the 8ft tubing with theMarble in theEnd were the Implements that easily transferred his 8 containers of 5gallonsGas each!!

into your friends and relatives various cans and buckets just the week previous from theBack of his Pickup truck!!, and that later that night

You and your sisters did celebratory Pounding-downs of GrayGoose & BeerChasers through the 3ft FlexiTubing shoved straight past your PyloricValve!!

VillageChixxx!! Drink Recipes
Most book recipes call for exact quotes, but this being theVillage!! and most notably, as one nearby City!! is touting to all theWorld with their; Big, Wild!! themes,

We’ll say that out here away from Civilization, we too have had our Big, Wild Village!! moments.

So we’ll skip the exact measurements and just be sure to pour each drink that will fill up an glass!!

Acid
-Bacardi Rum
-Wild Turkey Bourbon
-Coke, pepsi or Dr Pepper for a Chaser.

You can often substitute theVPSO for an Chaser, as the name of this drink implies bitterness and taint,
but it really is an Statement!!

I Said!! put that alcohol down, I Said, everyone Out!! now!!

Pour theRum into an Glass or tall cup, add theBourbon and then when theVPSO’s duty vehicle can be heard pulling up Outside,

Drink in one hurried Gulp, wipe your mouth with a smile and get chased!!
This drink is flavorful, fun and is also best enjoyed by just watching events happen Next Door!!

A Day In Jail
-Capt Morgan Rum
-Amaretto if you must, but really!!
-Orange Juice
-a little bit of Grenadine and Pineapple or Strawberry for garnish

Pour theRum theAmaretto and theOJ!! into an ice filled shaker and shake well!!
Pour theLiquid into an tall glass or washed out McDonalds cup,

Drip theGrenadine on top and garnish with theFruit,
Now, this being theVillage!! we just don’t often get fresh Pineapple or Strawberry hardly ever!!

So, having substituted thePineapple or Strawberry with some type of similar fruit from an Can of Fruit you acquired from theGeneralStore you can enjoy just as well,

Just be sure to savor this one in an period of 5mins to 2hrs as that is the Time frame from when your Relatives call theOfficers that is their GlovedHand upon yourHouse door Response time.

Then, spend the rest of the day in Jail!!

Angel’s Tits
Believe it or not, this is an actual Recipe.
who would have thought that one quiet, shy beauty from theInterior could be State reKnowned!!

-12 oz to 75ml of basically ANY hard liquor (x 2 and on an empty stomach!!)
-a Dollap or two, Or even theEntire Can of WhippedCream!!
-and One / 1 Maraschino cherry to garnish.

Then when the Responding Officers come through theDoor!!
Lift your breasts and flash Sam!!, then hurl the remaining jar of cherrys at them.

AttaBoy!!
(from theDogYard of Bill theVillager!!)

-2 bottles of Gin
-1/2 bottle of sweet Vermouth (unless your hands don’t drop theBottle and break it, 1 Bottle)
-1/4 bottle of grenadine

Wake up from an weekend bender in your Storage shed and in an fit of hunger you Scoop up a pail of Dog food and stagger into your house,

seeing that you have NO water available but Plenty of alcohol,
you soak theDog food and cook it on the stove,

Add table scraps as necessary and when Done, decide that this dish is too good to feed to theDogs first,
Eat your fill and then feed theDogs,

Pat each of your Mutts on the head exclaiming, “AttaBoy!!”

Hoodie Shirt Bingo!!
-1 late model Car or SUV
-4 close friends
-Spiced Rum
-Vodka
-Cranberry Juice

Blend theDrinks amongst all your friends and whip up some fun inside theVehicle as you drive around theVillage!!

After theVPSO or theVPO follows you and attemps to VehicleStop,
As theVehicle is In Motion, Change Drivers and change Hoodies too!!

After you get bored and finally stop, finish the Cranberry Juice to mask your breath.
When theOfficers ask “Are You girls Drinking?!

Shout out in Unison “BINGO!!”

BloodyMary!!
(an seemingly favorite amongst theVillagemen!! and not so much among theWomen, but noneTheLess, an very popular drink)

-Velvet Canadian Whiskey
-Russian Vodka
-any Striking implement within reach,
-a bottle or two or Worcestershire Sauce
-a bottle of Ketsup

Feed your anger and bad mood with the Vodka and chase it with theWhiskey.
After making accusations towards “mary” or whomEver your VillageChick!! girlfriend’s name is,

Pick up any common houseHold item and use it as an striking weapon upon “Mary” until just before theVPSO shows up,

Take theWorcestershireSauce or Ketsup and squirt it on “Mary”,
wherever she bled and vehemently deny any Violence done to her,

in fact, call yourself!! theVictim here!!
Of which you are about to be.... from theOfficers Impact weapons.........

Breast Caresser!!
(or Bosom Caresser, Bosom Bouncer)
-Peach Schnapps
-Light Beer
- an -40deg Cold winter night
-pack of Camels

Consume all theBeer first, then nurse theSchnapps as you discard your jacket and top to stand outside your House while Smoking.

Insist to theVPSO that it’s not cold outside as he tries to convince you to go back inside where it’s warm.
rub your bosoms and your arms too and dance around to show that

No, you’re not cold and it’s perfectly fine weather here!!
Rub breasts repeatedly and hug them close while smoking.

This Drink is prelude to Caressing your VPSO’s BallisticVest and his closeShaven head as you pull off his KnitCap and put it on Your head!!

theVillageChixxx!! Drink Recipes Continued!!

theVPSO’s 15 Speed!! (if it’s summer)

theVPSO’s SnowMachine!! (if it’s winter)

-Canadian Whisky
-Cinnamon Rum
-GrayGoose (name brand Only, as this is theWhole reason for drinking tonight!!, or WAS.)
-Kahlua coffee coolers
-Fruit coolers

After being stopped on theVillageRoad!! and every bit of Alcohol is confiscated from your vehicle, go home and plot your revenge,

Then, during an moment of Officer inattentiveness, Steal his Bike!! or have one of your Kidz steal it,
or if it’s winter, have your Cousin’s steal theSnowMachine.

theSilver Bullet!!
(also known as theBrenneke Knockout, theLeadSlinger, theMagazine Stack or else in some more Humorous circles, theBakerz Dozen!!, theBCND - Bad Cop!! No Donut!!)

-Vodka
-Whiskey
-Schnapps
-Tequila
-any other Alcohol
-an Pastry

-take some Empty handgun Brass and after steamCleaning in the DishWasher,
stack them neatly Open side UP in appropriate plastic shell holders,
Chill theBrass / Plastic before hand.

Most handgun rounds come 20 per Box,
ShotGun slugs and shot come 5 per Box

Prepare theAlcohol drinks and EyeDropper them into theBrass / Plastic one brand of Alcohol per bullet Row and one alcohol per shotgun Slug before Serving!!

Each Brass and shotgun plastic has to be consumed One-At-a-Time, NO EXCEPTIONS!!
and before serving thePastry to Whomever, take a bite out of it first!!

enjoy!!

theSpitFire!!
(this type of Punch can be served Hot or Cold, though it’s best to deliver Stronghand and often by surprise after theOfficers take your drinks from you,

Remember, they may take your Alcohol away but they’ll never take away your “fighting spirit and inner resolve”)

Enjoy!!
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d:oP

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